Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 2/5/21 Nik Curfman 2/5/21

Journal: #197 I Have Not Yet Begun To Fight

It’s a perfect way to end this imperfect day. That’s no complaint. I’m not mad at today. I’m not even mad about my deleted post. I’ll write and post it tomorrow. It’s that whatever energy I had to fight such a disappointing moment is gone. It is what it is.

I had it 80% finished, the post about my break through yesterday. It was going to be great for me to publish. And yet, technology being what it is, I hit the wrong button. 90 minutes of work and research vanished into the digital void. Just like that.

Such is life.

Today, was another slobberfest, by the way. I encountered more tears and sudden outbursts of emotion. Thank God I work from my laptop and have freedom to go for walks at any time.

I took time to enjoy the stars on my late evening stroll tonight. I thought about the the time required for the light from the closest start to reach my eyes. It’s 81,000 years. That’s a really long time. So on a day like today, I’m allowed to be disappointed and upset. Tomorrow will come, and the sun will shine.

I have no yet begun to fight.

Thank you Lord for loving me. It’s the greatest honor.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 2/4/21 Nik Curfman 2/4/21

Journal: #196 Mentally And Emotionally Fried

The trek out of the Valley of Death is longer than I hoped it would be, but I can see the light on the hills. A slip or a trip is part of walking, it shows I am on the move. So be it. I’m thankful for all the days between today the last day I felt a bit crazy.

Today, thus far, is a f*cking wild one. My emotions have swung from steady and optimistic to despair to calm to sad, then back to optimistic. Literally, WTF?!

My day in brief:

During my morning walk, I had a great break through concerning my art and sculpting. (Truly. I’ll blog about it tomorrow.)
Then after a successful Zoom meeting, I slipped into heavy worthlessness. By the time I made it home for lunch I was a sloppy mess.
On the way through the door into my apartment to each said lunch, I found out I got a raise and a small bonus from my marketing firm.
My response to the good news? I sat on the floor and cried. I don’t deserve a raise.
Not to worry, I had another call to snap me out of my pity party. It went well.

As I write this blog, I’m mentally and emotionally fried. And…I’m hopeful. I haven’t hit a low like this in a while, months perhaps. Since I decided to be more honest to myself about my feelings, this outburst is a sign of progress not regression.

Several times through today, the Holy Spirit came. We laughed through the tears. To feel so much sorrow and yet so much unexplained joy is odd. It is also welcomed. I’d rather laugh at myself with the Lord than give into shame.

God is good.

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Nik Curfman 2/4/21 Nik Curfman 2/4/21

Abstract: Assurance of The Unseen.

Tonight is the night to latch onto hope,

And lean into the assurance of the Unseen.

The gates closed, and I beat my fists bloody,

Knocking to be let in.

Lost and alone in the night,

I blamed me,

I slandered me,

I convicted me,

Of worthlessness and sins beyond redemption.

What we honor, what we love, we do not leave to the darkness to rust,

For vandals and thieves.

Exhausted from the pounding struggle,

To be accepted and loved,

I relented to my nothingness, naked without purpose or use.

For good measure,

The foul wind whistled and cackled at my sorrow,

Each breath from my lungs,

Exposed by the chill and the moon light,

A harsh reminder,

I am here, but will soon be forgotten.

In the stillness I remained,

And more I waited.

The lies began to die, and accusations faded.

For too long stared at the locked gates,

The embodiment of my shame,

Rejected again.

With my eyes closed,

I focused on my breath,

One deep draw after another, my chest rising and falling in rhythm.

I began to sway with the evergreens and enjoy the scent of their pines.

At my back, the river laughed like a chorus of children,

Innocent and clean,

Nature extended her kind hand.

I have demanded honors I could not accept,

and longed for lovers I did not deserve.

I could stay.

I could dance for the people in the watch towers,

Cook to delight the king and queen inside,

I could do all the things to make myself into something they want,

What I do not want to be.

What I thirst for is not behind locked gates.

What I want is not the momentary approval,

Cheap graces and easily won loyalty.

Chin tucked to my chest,

Only honest words existed in this moment of solitude.

I am in pain,

Rejection coursing through my veins,

An old drug, from an old habit.

Tonight, I will not repent or beg forgiveness,

Rather for courage and hope,

Vision and strength.

I cannot answer why I long for the praise,

A riddle to be remedied some other day,

When the Spirit deems so.

This frigid night,

Surround by creation,

I do not curse the closed doors or those who locked them.

Instead, as my heart cries for love and acceptance,

I will not focus on what I do not have.

Tonight is the night to latch onto hope,

And lean into the assurance of the Unseen.

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Nik Curfman 2/3/21 Nik Curfman 2/3/21

Journal: #195 Stupid Triggers, Gracious God

Today, I was triggered. I went from enjoying my morning to a deep sorrow in a matter of seconds. In response, I began to defend myself between the snot and tears. Once again, I was left to prove my worth to an empty room.

I genuinely hate to be triggered. It’s that sudden snap from reality into an anxiety-riddled hellscape. All possibilities are gone and only shame exists. The future is bleak and stressful. I turn to my intellect to defend my soul, a playbook as old as me.

This trigger isn’t about them. It’s about me. I’m not worthless. I’m amazing. I’m loved and worthy of love. I’m smart, hilarious, and kind. I’m affectionate, kind, and compassionate. I’m awesome and a son of the Most High.

I’m thankful I can be triggered and have the freedom to stop my day to address it. I’m thankful the Lord exposed the lies long sowed into my heart, and I’m thankful He’s yanking them out. I’m thankful for the family and friends I can text when I linger close the cliffs of emotional hell.

More than anything, His banner of me is love. I put my faith in the Lord and His path for me. This isn’t about an outcome or the remaining wounds of a broken dream. It’s about using my voice to say this:

Lord, I feel broken in this moment. Today showed me the lasting disappointment in my heart, but I refuse to be powerless or shrink back into self-protection. I give you my heart to be healed by you. There’s only so much I can do, and it’s a place meant for only You. Heal my heart. Speak Your wisdom and grace. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear. Do things I can’t explain.
I love you, and I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, no matter how loud the fear sounds. You are greater. Always.

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Nik Curfman 2/2/21 Nik Curfman 2/2/21

Journal: #194 Old Poet Young at Heart

I’ve got plenty of growing to do, with plenty of writing, editing, and frustrations to come. The goal is to be an old poet young at heart. The goal is to be 90 and still have a voice worth using.

I watched the Netflix special Miss Americana about Taylor Swift today. Why? I don’t know. I wouldn’t say I’m a fan of her music, but I have a few of her songs committed to memory. Perhaps, I like her career arc.

Taylor Swift is Human

Taylor Swift was and is a human who wanted to sing songs for people, which propelled her to the top of the music world. With all that fame, expectation and money she was bound to make mistakes and have her share of haters. From my corner of Redding, that’s my view of it. When she started strumming her guitar, there’s no way anyone knew what would come next.

though Different I Can Relate

Let’s get the hilariousness out of the way. No. I don’t share a lot commonalities with a major pop star. Practically zero. What fascinated me were two parts of Ms Swift’s history. First, she is- or was- an epic people pleaser. And two, she wrote 150 songs by the time she was 15.

Of anything about Taylor Swift, I can relate to the people pleaser. I can relate to the desperate need for praise and affirmation, because I was unable to believe in me. Whatever anyone thinks about the woman, it’s obvious she fought for herself. I respect her ability to admit her neediness.

When she spoke about her legendary songwriting I was floored. 150 songs? By 15? Good Lord. How incredible is that? It gave me hope.

Hope in My Storms

The sun came out for the day in Redding. I took the opportunity to go for a morning stroll to soak in the fresh rays. As will happen this time of year, some heavy clouds lay off to the south. It created a very dramatic scene of dark ominous clouds and glorious sunshine.

Instantly, my heart began to weave a narrative about the storm clouds and the beautiful sun. When I got home, I typed out the lines to my last poem Sunshine and the Storm. It’s messy and needs revised but something about it struck a cord with me.

Well that Sucked

In my delight, I posted my poem to Instagram. Six hours later, its garnered a handful of likes and few encouraging comments. I hoped for more. That’s the shitty thing about writing. It’s subjective, and posting to Instagram is hardly a great platform for it. And, I’m not brilliant as I’d like to be.

So, I was feeling a bit down until I watched Ms Swift tell her story. The real nugget is she worked on her craft for years, even as a child, before she ever stepped on a stage. She was a young star, but an old songwriter. I’m a young writer, but a middle-aged man. That’s a strength too.

Goal: Be an Old Poet, Young at Heart

I’ve got plenty of growing to do, with plenty of writing, editing, and frustrations to come. The goal is to be an old poet young at heart. The goal is to be 90 and still have a voice worth using.

The trail I decided to hike is long, and today it felt a little longer. Nonetheless, I’m in it. There’s no turning back. I’m gonna write and blog and never stop.

*(Documentaries are not documentaries any more. They are marketing films. Miss Americana is Taylor Swift’s version of her life, what she wants us to know. It’s basically an 85 minutes commercial.)

Thank you Lord for the bright sun and gloomy clouds. Thank you for pop stars, and the opportunity to completely turn my life in the direction I needed to go. Your grace and kindness sustain me. It’s awesome. Thank you.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 2/2/21 Nik Curfman 2/2/21

Abstract: Sunshine and the Storms

Nothing of this world or the next,

Not a thought, emotion, or belief,

That can or could separate me from Him,

His light and constant Grace.

Here I stand, where the dark clouds and sunshine meet.

The bright light against the ominous shadow is stunning.

All truth in a snapshot of Nature.

I once lived in fear of the storms,

Even on the sunniest of days,

My thoughts reminded me of the thunder to come.

And, come it did.

Violent wind and lightning stomped its way through my heart,

At times, in endless waves.

I felt alone and lost,

Unworthy of anything but chaos and shame.

In my powerlessness, I medicated with temporary pleasures and sad songs,

Doomed to sit in the pit of self-pity I dug for me.

“What is life?” I wondered.

Then, on an ordinary day, in an ordinary way, I beheld my constant friend,

The Sun.

Our source of life and light, warmth and health.

He’s is always there, shinning His blessing on each of us.

The downpours come and go, but the Sun remains.

Day after day, I began to focus on the Him,

And, His grace eternal.

Day after day, I began to believe in the power of the Sun to heal my life,

Rather than the ability of the storms to destroy it.

Now, I know the Truth beyond experience or feeling.

Storms are part of life- a necessary part of life.

Regardless of how black their shadow or loud their scream,

The Sun still shines on the other side, and I will behold Him again.

When the rage subsides and the cover fades,

I will march out into His bright light,

To absorb His goodness, and find my strength renewed.

There is nothing on earth, old or new,

Nothing of this world or the next,

Not a thought, emotion, or belief,

That can or could separate me from Him,

His light and constant Grace.

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Nik Curfman 2/1/21 Nik Curfman 2/1/21

Journal: #193 January Was A Long Month

As I wrote yesterday and in many post since I started this blog, God is Good. It's only wise to shop up everyday, what ever we have to give. Earlier this month I was in a dither about life, and now I’m not. The only difference is Him. He never stops talking and walking with me.

Exactly three weeks ago I sat on a conference call and sank into a pool of self-pity. Why? A '“prophetic minister” gave out prophetic words, and I didn’t get one. Childish, right? I know. It’s comical now, but I let it ruin the better part of my day.

Old Wounds

My blog post that day (Gratitude of Change) made veiled mention of the issue in my heart. How many times have I sat in a church service or team meeting only to be disappointed. Legion. I used the exposed bitterness as on opportunity to grow. The problem that day three weeks ago wasn’t my lack, rather my judgement.

I went into the meeting with high expectations. If I got a prophetic word it would be a good meeting, and if I didn’t then it was a terrible meeting. I had no grace for the meeting hosts or the guest ministers, and I left no room for gratitude.

Time to Grow Up

The Holy Spirit helped me see all of the above- the entitlement, the lack of grace and gratitude. I can laugh about it now. In a matter of minutes I reverted to a 21 year-old me. My anger and insecurity kindled by thoughtless ministry types. How silly.

As I learned to do last year, I simply turned a corner and went on living my life. There’s no need to linger over our faults. Repent and more forward. As Revelation 3:19 says “The people I love, I call to account—prod and correct and guide so that they’ll live at their best. Up on your feet, then! About face! Run after God!” (The Message)

The Lord Laughs

This morning, we had another conference call with another prophetic minister. It didn’t register with me what happened until it was over. To be honest, I sent private messages to other people to assume myself, on the call during the call. I can’t recall a single thing the man said to anyone else. I can’t even remember his name. Adam?

Yet, before the call ended, he said my name. I was shaken from my role as class clown. Then the man- who I still cannot name- began to confirm everything the Lord told me over the last year. I can’t recall everything he said to me, but in the moment I thought “oh…this is the Lord confirming His goodness to me. I’m not crazy.”

After the call ended, I sat in my chair for an extended pause….and laughed. God has a sense of humor. You better believe it. Part of me feels like a real asshole for how I acted today, yet part of me doesn’t.

He Loves Us Because He Loves Us

How long do any of us need to hold onto the lie we have to act a certain way for the Lord to love us? It’s not true. Today, of all days, I didn’t “deserve” a word from the Lord. (It’s really bothering me I can’t remember the man’s name. LOLOLOLOL) It’s because He loves me I received an encouraging word today. He loved me three weeks ago too. Three weeks ago wasn’t the time, no matter how worthy I thought I was. Today was the day.

Damn, What A Long Month

As I wrote yesterday and in many post since I started this blog, God is Good. It's only wise to show up everyday, what ever we have to give. Earlier this month I was in a dither about life, and now I’m not. The only difference is Him. He never stops talking and walking with me.

January felt like a year crammed into 31 days. It’s awesome. I went from introspective to joyful in a matter of weeks. It’s not me. It’s the Lord. He’s good like that. Keep showing up friends. He’ll be there.

Lord, I lift up all my friends who are hurting one way or another tonight. To those who need a physical healing, I proclaim life to their bodies. To them who need peace and joy, I proclaim gratitude and love to their hearts.

Heal my dad’s ass.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/31/21 Nik Curfman 1/31/21

Journal: #192 Jesus Changed My Life

I know what it’s like to feel stuck in front of a wall of defeat, unable to find myself. I also know what it’s like to be on the other side, no longer afraid or scared. I’m thankful for it. It’s the grace and goodness of God.

I agree with the sentiment first attributed to Mark Twain “Comparison is the death of Joy.” Psychology research says it is who we compare ourselves to that matters most. Regardless, when we compare our lives to others we play a dangerous game. We are the Lord’s. How dare we look to other’s to judge our progress or worth.

Heart Broken for a Friend

Today, I saw an Instagram post from a dear friend which broke my heart for them. I know this person struggles to love who they are, and to see them still struggling was tough for me. They constantly compare and judge their life as inadequate. I wish I could download my experience and wisdom into their veins. All I could do was pray for their heart and a fresh release of vision from the Holy Spirit.

Happy For Me

In the same instant my heart broke for my friend, I felt a personal sense of success. I haven’t seen my friend in months but at one point we shared a lot of life together. Then our paths diverged. I went up the mountain, and they went on their way. If recent posts are an indicator, they still seem to be surrounded by doubt and worthlessness. That’s a douchey way to say it. Perhaps I will discover a more apt expression of my personal feeling, but for now success is it. (Proud perhaps?)

Since I read the Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth, my life hasn’t been the same. I’m not sure why I needed to read a book at the age of 38 to understand the meaning of hard work and determination, but I did. The Lord knew it was was a major piece necessary to get me over a few big life hurdles.

Since the fall of 2018, I dive head first into whatever I decide to do. Go hard, or go home. Half-assed effort is the mark of the immature and afraid. I apply this approach in business, personal relationships, and my walk with Jesus. When I feel like crap, like a fraud or a failure, I don’t let it stop me. I’m willing to show up despite the negative thoughts and heavy emotions.

Show up Everyday

I named this website Fearless Grit because it’s how I see my walk with the Lord. It’s real work. Some days feel like my mind is stuck in the quick sand of distraction. On others, doubt and insecurity build walls around my heart. There always seems to be a reason to run from the Lord. Yet, I show up and say “here I am, Lord. I trust you.”

Am I proud of this? Yeah. A little. Since the beginning of last year I’ve: found the source of my anger and rooted it out, discovered my identity in the Lord, overcome fear, found my callings, exposed the desires of my heart and developed the faith to run after them.

No matter what anyone else can see, I know the Lord has rewarded my effort. He’s proud of me, and He loves me. Every day is an opportunity to fight back against evil and be a light to those around me.

Back to Instagram. I know what it’s like to feel stuck in front of a wall of defeat, unable to find myself. I also know what it’s like to be on the other side, no longer afraid or scared. I’m thankful for it. It’s the grace and goodness of God.

If I can say anything to any of my fellow Christians, let it be that the Lord is good and His love endures. The more you expose your heart and mind to Him, the more you will see chains fall and roads become straight. Show up(everyday). Let Him love you. It’ll change your life.

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Nik Curfman 1/30/21 Nik Curfman 1/30/21

Abstract: Romans 8, If I Wrote It

Not one dame thing in our entire universe,

Ever could, because it never will,

Separate any of us from the Love and Goodness of our Holy Father.

This is what it means to be “in Christ Jesus.”

Always connected. Always powerful. Always loved.

Who or what or how can we be cut off from our Jesus? Tell me!

By life’s bullshit? Poor decisions? Imperfection? By circumstance? Frustration? Poverty? Or communism?

Ancient words say so…”For Him, we are murdered every single day. We are powerless to stop the powerful.”

But…I don’t believe any of it. In our sweet Jesus, weak as we are, we are made champions.

So, I’m certain, in every fiber of my soul,

Not being murdered or diseased,

Not one part of a life,

Not the distraction of an Angelic army or bastards from hell,

No sin of my past or strongholds to come,

Not the powerful politicians, Wall Street stock brokers, or academic dicks,

Not one damn thing in our entire universe,

Ever could, because it never will,

Separate any of us from the Love and Goodness of our Holy Father.

This is what it means to be “in Christ Jesus.”

Always connected. Always powerful. Always loved.

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Nik Curfman 1/30/21 Nik Curfman 1/30/21

Journal: #191 My Old Friend Gratitude

The thing about being older is I appreciate what I have in this moment. More importantly, the Lord is my top priority and I love myself. I have vision for my life and all of this ups and downs are just part of the road. I’m not rushing to get to the next “thing.”

This week was a rollercoaster of snow, promotions, and looking into the dark unknown. I made a decision to stay with my parents for a few month as my dad begins cancer treatments. My marketing firm decided to promote me. Then there was the Snowpocalypse of 2021. Of course, all of this comes as COVID-19 isolation hangs over all of us. This week I had dinner with a friend, my only in person interaction of the week.

I’m thankful for technology. I’m thankful for text messages, Zoom meetings, emails, and clients who take time to ask how I’m doing. I reserve the bulk of my gratitude for my family and friends. Every day, they call or text. I may be isolated, but I am not alone.

And, I haven’t even gotten to the Holy Spirit.

This morning when I woke up, I was tired. I’ve stupidly binged the show The 100. (It’s not great. Not recommended.) Despite feeling strung out, the Lord met me in a way I didn’t expect. He took the gloomy bullshit I’ve battled all week, and sent it somewhere. For no good reason, I felt good and happy.

On my afternoon walk, for no reason at all, I started to recall specific memories from my mid-20’s to my mid-30’s. I’m not proud of that era of my life, and often think of it as a wasted period. I asked myself why are you thinking about these moments and people? The Holy Spirit answered me,”I love this period of your life.”

I was taken back. Why was the Lord proud of me? Hearing my thoughts, he answered,”You didn’t walk away. Despite not having a clear vision and hating parts of yourself, you stuck with Me. You wouldn’t be where you are without that stretch of your life. You had to go through it.”

As the Spirit spoke, the truth was apparent and plain. I did a lot of foundational work from age 25 to 33. I worked for an NGO in West Virginia, finished my bachelors degree, and started down the path toward mental and emotional health. I learned to set boundaries and value myself. I took risks, failed, and grew. Sound familiar?

God is good. Truly. Life is gonna suck somedays. The biggest choice any of us have is our focus. Do we look for what’s good in every moment, or are trained to judge and find flaws even in the best of times?

I’ve done enough bitching and complaining when life seems unfair. Bitterness is soul-sucking. Cynicism is the worst. His glory is present and alive in every atom of the universe, if only I open my eyes to see it. I wanna live and find life in every situation and in any room. I wanna see the Jesus in every person I meet and in me.

(Also, I made a dope new Stevie Wonder playlist on Spotify.)

Lord, thank you. For everything. Especially steaks and eggs and cheese. Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/29/21 Nik Curfman 1/29/21

Journal: #190 A Hard Week Leads To Clarity of Purpose

Today, as I scribbled down my what I want as insecurity nagged at my mind, I saw my future. I know my path. As I write this blog, I have no idea how to fulfill my goals and serve my heart. I don’t have to. I just need faith and courage to take a step closer each day.

I woke up in a tired daze this morning, mostly because I haven’t slept well in over a week. I’ve felt locked in a mental and emotional battle to stay above the self-pity and judgements. At times like this I tend to feel like I’m failing and distant from the Lord. Neither is true.

As I rolled out of bed and put my feet on the carpet below, I started to cry. Lord, I feel lost. Instantly He responded,”No, you aren’t. You are not in the fog. You know what you want.”

My instinct was to grab my journal and write down everything I want, the so-called desires of my heart. In fury of pen strokes, I listed everything I discovered about myself over the last eight months. It’s a new list compared to any other list I’ve ever written. I felt a peace and purpose as I wrote.

When I finished, I asked the same question I always ask when I allow myself to dream my dreams. Is this good enough? Is what I want going to be interesting enough for a wife? Countless times in my past in similar moments, I failed myself.

Today, as I scribbled down my what I want and insecurity nagged at my mind, I saw my future. I know my path. As I write this blog, I have no idea how to fulfill my goals and serve my heart. I don’t have to. I just need faith and courage to take a step closer each day.

Did I do that today? Did I take a step close to my dreams? Did I love myself? Yes. I did. This morning, I responded to the Lord. I wrote down what He’s showed me, and I embraced it. I feel like it’s a big deal, even though today was an ordinary day.

Thank you Lord for the power of Your words and gentle nudges. Thank you for cutting through my roadblocks to speak to my heart.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/28/21 Nik Curfman 1/28/21

Journal: #189 Not My(Dating) Story PT. 3

Willie is a sexy man. I write this without shame or hesitation. He’s athletic, charming, and possesses a strong jawline. I like to watch heads turn whenever he walks through a crowd of people. In another life, he could’ve been a male model after his soccer career.

This is the third installment of my dating stories meant to encourage myself and other single people. In the intro I wrote about my heart break earlier this year. Part 1 is about Bob and his path to Kelly. Bob overcame his pain and cynicism to go after Kelly, and they are wonderful together. Part 2 looks at Phil, and his long winding path to marriage. He was patient. It paid off.

Dating is an introduction. It’s often misleading. No amount of dating can prepare someone for marriage. This next narrative is rough and heart-breaking, but ultimately ends in redemption. Part 3 is the story of Willie.

Willie Is That Dude

What I love about the attention he receives is Willie doesn’t care about his affect on women. He loves Jesus with all his heart, and decided to spend his life pointing the youth and young adults to the Lord. I first met Willie in a laundry room of a working class apartment complex. He was teaching Bible verses to the kids assembled there.

Willie Meets Amy

Willie met Amy at friend’s house. After a few group hangs, they began to date. By all accounts, it was a great match. He was a dashing young minister, and she a beautiful budding artist. They were married about 18 months after they started dating.

(Before I go on I want to say something. The rest of the tale of Willie and Amy is ugly, and I experienced Willie’s side of it. Every marriage and relationship involves two people. Two people have issues. Two people contribute to disfunction. The only path to stay together is when two people decided to commit to their marriage and find answers to the problems that plague them.)

No Happy ever After

According to Willie, his marriage encountered its first major hurdles on their honeymoon. Like good church folk, they smiled in public while trying to work it out in the dark. They tried counseling and read books. Nothing working. No magic key existed.

Their Hail Mary came in the form of their daughter Madison. In truth, when they had Madison, the situation only worsened. Willie tried to soothe his shame by ministering more than ever, went to counseling twice a week, and prayed every prayer possible to keep his marriage alive.

At this point in the story, I’m not sure what effort Amy made to save her marriage. I do know via social media she stopped using her married name long before the divorce was finalized. In my mind, she gave up.

From Bad to Worse

To add insult to injury, Amy filed emergency paperwork to have the courts consider Willie an unfit parent. She said he was abusive and a drunk. The court filings said his friends were alcoholics. Though not named, I was one of those people. I was not an alcoholic, but, that’s not the real travesty.

No one who spent five minutes with Willie and his daughter Madison would question their bond, his love for her, or his devotion to her safety and well-being. Amy used the courts to stick it to Willie in the worst possible ways. The marriage burned to the ground, but don’t take his daughter away. It took me years to forgive her for it.

Is Marriage Really Worth It?

At the same time Willie and Amy were suffering through the end of a difficult marriage, I was struggling too. I reeled from an abusive relationship and questioned why anyone would get married. The price appeared to be too high and rewards too slight. I didn’t have the ability to believe in the goodness of God. The lack of healthy marriages around me didn’t help.

Willie The Gracious

After the divorce, Willie suffered. He had to fight legal battle after legal battle. He was forced to step down from a leadership position at an NGO, learned to code, and continued therapy.

Despite all of it, he kept his faith in the Lord. At one of the lowest points in his journey through this hell, he said something I’ll never forget. During a custody hearing, a witness for his ex-wife took the stand and lied. A lot. Willie was angry, and knew enough about the witness to destroy her credibility to the judge. All he needed to do was lean over, whisper the sins of the witness to his lawyer, and let him pick this woman apart.

When I asked Willie why he didn’t do it, he said the words forever etched into my mind. “I didn’t want to win that way. I didn’t want to win by ruining someone’s life. It might take longer, but I trust the Lord to defend me.” I was floored. In the middle of a nasty custody battle, with the ashes of his marriage still on his heart, Willie had the grace to love his enemy.

Trusting the Lord: Faith

As the next year unfolded, Willie won small custody battles, began to minister again, and met Laura.

It was only about a year from the time they met until when they got married on a chilly Tennessee evening. In my mind, they married fast- Willie and Laura. I wondered if Willie acted hastily. The reports I got about Laura said she was sheltered woman who rarely dated. Perhaps like Amy, she idolized Willie.

I’ve never been more happy to be wrong. Laura is a human, which means she has flaws. In more Biblical terms, she is a blessing and the partner Willie needed. They minister as a team, and have similar vision for their lives. More importantly, they love each other. Willie and Laura face challenges instead of run from them.

A God of Redemption

As an observer of Willie’s life, I’m amazed by the grace and mercy of the Lord in his life. He said his forever “I do” to Amy, and believed his word was true. No one at that wedding envisioned the the struggle ahead, the contentious divorce, or horrid custody battle. In the aftermath, I couldn’t see how he’d move forward from the devastation. I’m not sure Willie did either.

What he had, and still has, is constant connection to the Holy Spirit. His heart broke. I was there. I saw it. But, he stood tall in the Spirit. He trusts the Lord to bring him better days when life sucks, and I’m blessed to be a witness.

I Trust the Lord, Not an Outcome

Last year, I thought I found my forever woman, but I was the only one. The breakup crushed my heart, and it’s still tough for me to imagine something better. That’s why I’m thankful I have Willie as an example in my life. I refuse to be motivated by anger. Instead, I want to lean into the Lord, and trust Him to bring me to someone better. Whoever she is.

Lord…thank you for Willie, Laura, and even Amy. I’m grateful to watch how you redeem the broken and heal our hearts. I’ve seen your grace and gentle glory rest on my friends. Thank you. Thank you for hearing my prayers for Willie to bring him someone like Laura. Thank you that she’s any amazing wife to him. Bless them both.

Amen.