Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 11/14/23 Nik Curfman 11/14/23

Vol IV: #32 He’s On A Mission

There was a season in which the prayer chapel was empty most mornings. Six months ago, that changed when my thin friend showed up, and he never misses a day. At first I didn’t like having my unofficial alone time ruined by a visitor. But I knew he had every right to the chapel, and I had no right to harbor any ill will toward the man.

He’s quiet and keeps to himself, though I’ve seen him wave to Mr Yellow Car(another new visitor) who prays in the opposite corner. Each morning he sits two chairs to my right facing the back garden. He’s skinny. And his hair is buzzed to the nub, which leaves a dark sort of halo covering his head. His clothes hang on him like towels on a line, and he removes his blue sandals before he settling in his chair. Once seated, the young Chinese man crosses one leg over the other and places his hands in lap. And then, he prays, earnestly. Sometimes his head is down, eyes closed as he prays. And at other times, his head is tossed back, hands splayed right and left as if waiting for the rain.

My praying companion wears the same clothes almost everyday and I assume he can’t work, at least not legally. And I wonder if he lives in his tiny Nissan hatchback, a increasingly common occurrence in a state with few homes and too many people. Perhaps I’m wrong, and he simply prefers to wears the same shirt and pants seven days in a row. Whatever his financial state, I don’t think he’s living the high life. This man came to Redding and spends his waking hours in the prayer chapel because he’s on a mission.

Nik Curfman 8/17/23 Nik Curfman 8/17/23

Abstract: A Prayer To Prepare

A poem, about asking for endurance and tools to complete the journey.

If I am an arrow,

Lord make me straight and sharp,

and ready for the hunt.

If I am a stone,

Lord make me strong and smooth,

and prepared for the load.

If I am land,

Lord make me fertile,

that I might feed your people.

My Father in heaven,

Whatever I am and the person you made me to be,

grant me the tools and opportunities to be my best,

and train me to sustain til the end.

Nik Curfman 2/3/23 Nik Curfman 2/3/23

Vol III: #59 Matthew 633 Is Real

I’ve posted blogs to Fearless Grit for two and half years, and this post is the one I’ve longed to write. And today’s post is the product of a good God and my commitment to being whole, holding nothing against anyone and believing the best is yet to come. What I will confess in the following paragraphs isn’t profound or original. I’m not trying to be. Today is about the joy of feeling whole and unbound by failure.

Certain dates stick in our minds like a grease stain on our favorite sweatshirt. For me, January 13th, March 8th, and May 31st were embedded in my conscious. And no amount of forgiveness, anger, or intoxication erased them. Each day was tied to a particular lady and what I thought would be between us, but then those dates became sour and annoying. And I can’t count how many times I prayed, “Lord, just take this from me. I don’t even want her, or anything from her, I just want to move on. No apologies or explanations needed.” Then today happened. I sensed the shift when I woke up: it is finished.

I stated aboveI have nothing profound to offer. But today, and without reason, my heart and mind finally moved on. I can’t explain the relief, contentment, and joy I feel. No more anger. No more bitterness. No more fear of dating. This is a work only the Holy Spirit can do, and I praise God for answering my prayers.

Everything that follows is what I’ve heard from friends and family, and what I told myself. To explain it as best I can, and in the simplest terms, my soul latched onto the truth. I am a man of destiny because I walk with Jesus. Whatever I lose has a purpose. He has saved from sins, the wrong people, and death. (And by wrong people I don’t mean murders and crackheads. Well, yes murders and crackheads, but also the wrong friends, a less than best wife, and poor career choices.) And this guidance is a far greater gift than amount of money, success, or honor. I am living proof of the Matthew 6:33 promise. I’ve seek the Lord with intention, every day, and He cares for my needs.

Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up. Whatever is lost will be redeemed, and you will know the Lord is good.

Nik Curfman 9/13/21 Nik Curfman 9/13/21

Vol II: #27 Clint

Today, with tears on my cheeks, I lifted my old friend to the Lord. I don’t know why I thought of him as the music began, but I did. That bastard still means something to me, and I know the Lord loves him. My Father doesn’t care about Clint’s rejection or resentment. He’s got His arms wide open, patiently waiting for his son to come home. The goodness of God is without end.

Memory is an interesting concept. Without it, we’d be lost- literally. Memory is how we learn and grow and remember everything good about our lives. Of course, memory also stores our suffering. (Our ability to move on from these painful recollections helps determine our path in life. Everyone has shitty memories. The immature hide from the lingering pain, while the mature move through it.) What I remember most about life are the moments of wonder- my first time in the Redwood forests or a fantastic meal- and people. Today, while I worshipped with my fellow students, I thought about a few men from the season I spent in Charlotte, men(and women) I loved, and the friendships long-ended.

Clint was a young, charismatic man with a great story of God’s love and deliverance. He was a former drug dealer and addict. The Lord met him in a lonely apartment, and the presence of God was so thick he had to crawl on the ground to get out of his bedroom…or so the story goes. Clint and I bonded over our independence from conventional church teachings. Neither of us was afraid to disagree with church leaders or smoke clove cigarettes. Before my second year of ministry school, we decided to be roommates. That fall, we moved into a large townhouse with three other young idiots, unaware of the trials to come.

Before the Christmas of 2002, a sewer pipe broke and flooded the entire basement of our apartment. It was an apt metaphor for the entire year. Every single man in that apartment was tested that year- in one way or another. Brandon- the budding youth minister- suffered a break due to his “involvement in a cult.” Tim was the cliche “fish out of water” as the only roommate from Hickville, Georgia- we didn’t understand him, and he didn’t understand us. He felt isolated and alone most of the year. Our drinking and “sinful” behavior didn’t help. Matt suffers one self-induced romantic failure after another. But, the worst was what happened to Clint and I. (Not to mention- the tragic death of our friend Steve in early November.)

In early 2003, in the midst of feeling like a complete loser, I dropped out of ministry school. I drank heavily and isolated myself from everyone who loved me. Brandon was too busy to notice, and Matt and Tim kept their distance. And Clint was kicked out of ministry school. Supposedly, he made out with a fellow student. She felt guilty and reported it to school leadership, who promptly dismissed Clint. What Clint experienced was typical of that ministry school, and he did not respond well. Despite all the bullshit Clint experienced, he was the one friend who wouldn’t go a day without checking in on me. He’d tell me I was loved and the had good things for me. He was my friend.

As the summer of 2003 arrived, everyone in the townhouse went in a different direction. I re-enrolled in ministry school to finish what I started. And Clint went down the rabbit hole. He never recovered from his dismissal and began to order painkillers from India online. By 2004, this man, who felt the presence of the Lord and was set free from addiction, was back to his old lifestyle. I remember the day he proclaimed he was no longer a Christian, evident by his barren bookshelves. The love of God had become a law to him too burdensome to carry. I get it. Life without the presence and love of the Father is horrible.

Over the following years, Clint became increasingly self-destructive and dishonest. He took advantage of people and was never far from a bottle of whiskey. He was a shadow of the man I met in 2001. The people in his life either served his selfish intentions or were expelled. All this because some ministers treated him like shit. (I don’t excuse the poor leadership or Clint’s terrible choices in the aftermath of his expulsion. Many people from that school experienced the same treatment, and most of us did not self-destruct.)

I think Clint knew the Lord but longed for affirmation and acceptance. This is a common problem among immature believers. And, without foundation in the Holy Spirit, the enemy uses suffering to drive a wedge between the Lord and us. That’s what happened to Clint. Eventually, Clint moved to Los Angeles, where he continued his pattern of self-sabotage. The last I heard from him, he tried to avoid jail time in Texas, claiming to be an addict. It’s true, but some jail time would probably do him good. I had to tell his parole officer to stop harassing me as I would get calls when Clint didn’t check-in.

Lord, touch my friend Clint. Flood his heart and mind with your love and kindness. Show him the eternal wave of grace over his life and destroy all chains on his life.

- Amen.

Nik Curfman 8/23/21 Nik Curfman 8/23/21

Vol II: #19 Honest Prayers

I won’t divulge the details, but know this, the Lord fulfills His promises. Keep praying. Never stop talking about what’s important to you, even if it’s what you said yesterday. The Lord is all ears. He’ll lead you through the most painful moments of your life in ways you can’t fathom. On the other side is peace. Real peace. Stay honest with Him. He can take it because He already knows. Honesty with Him is really being honest with yourself.

A year ago- when I spent hours crying in the woods- I would’ve told you to be honest with the Lord in prayer. On the heels of a broken business venture and a romantic failure, I couldn’t keep the pain and disappointment to myself. My sorrow and shame bubbled out of me like a volcano, and the Father was gracious to listen. This process kept me honest and hopeful in the midst of the upheaval.

Sometime earlier this year, I stopped being honest with the Holy Spirit. I wasn’t dishonest; no one can lie to the Lord. But, I stopped talking about the deep hurts still in me and the day-to-day bumps in the road. I’d need a professional and a few hours of counseling to determine why I stopped. Whatever the answer, it must include embarrassment. I was embarrassed to continually talk about the same hurts. Some people love to complain without end, but I’m not one of them.

My desire to “get over” pain is a form of unhealthy pride, which is based on fear. I don’t want to be a whiney bitch. Right? Shut up. Be a man. Get over it. (Does that ever work, by the way? Does anyone just “get over” whatever held them up? I have yet to see it. We either act or remain frozen.)

Last week I read Philippians 4 and it crushed me. Paul was brazen enough to write the words “Be anxious for nothing,” which in modern context sounds like a burdensome command. But, it isn’t. There’s a translation of the New Testament by Kenneth Wuest. It’s said to be the most rigid translation from Greek to English available. The “Be anxious for nothing” verses look like this:

Stop worrying about even one thing, but in everything by prayer whose essence is that of worship and devotion and by supplication which is a cry for your personal needs, with thanksgiving let your requests for the things asked for be made known in the presence of God, and the peace of God which pass all power of comprehension shall mount gaurd over your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus.

With all do your respect to every other translation (I love The Message for its poetry, though it leaves room for improvement), I choose to believe Paul would approve of this version. And, what do we learn? Nothing new. How many times does an angel, Jesus, or the Lord say “be not afraid” in scripture? Many, many times. It usually comes when the Lord is in the room and we begin to focus on ourselves; our sins, weakness, and pain. “Be not afraid” and “Be anxious for nothing” are Biblical ways of saying “Everything is going to be ok.”

Paul goes on because he knows we hurt. He knows we have real fears and shames. Needs are more than physical, more than food on the table, or relational. Life isn’t simple and mental/emotional scars are more real than anything on our skin. Paul is well aware of the human tendency to stuff our needs and desires to the back of our lives. In the next few verses, he told the Philippians to take all their cares and worries to the Lord. In this practice, we will find the peace of God beyond words. That’s one hell of a promise.

Last night, I prayed about a few things I previously dared to discuss. It was by His leading. I didn’t want to talk about some old, old wounds. I prefer to think of myself as healed and whole. Regardless, that’s what we did. I snotted and cried my way through it. In the end, I felt that peace, and few pounds lighter.

Nik Curfman 2/14/21 Nik Curfman 2/14/21

Abstract: You Are My Friend

Is it fun,

In your cell?

Does the weed dull your brain?

Are there enough shots the bottle to shush the truth away?

Is it fun,

In your cell?

Does the weed dull your brain?

Are there enough shots the bottle to shush the truth away?

Sure seems like they gave you everything to make you comfortable,

During your stay.

Behind those bars, they keep the dopamine flowing,

Your head down,

Your pride intact.

I can see your dilemma,

Because I’m not distracted by your guards: greed, sloth, and anger.

You’re so far from the brilliance made for you,

From before time,

You can’t risk the safety of your doom.

But, I am your friend.

I will not relent.

I will pray and fight for your tender heart.

Greater is the One in me than than the drugs that lock you in the haze.

And He,

He loves you.

His heart is an open ocean of love,

All for you.

Nothing you believe or do can separate you from Him.

So, I will stand my post, and my watch,

For you.

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Nik Curfman 12/13/20 Nik Curfman 12/13/20

Abstraction: My Honest Prayer

Time to let Love be what it is, our great covering and unifier.

Lord, I’m going inside now.

Give me the grace and humility and kindness to be part of your church.

I can hear the shouts and amens from the parking lot.

There’s storm clouds overhead, dark and cold.

I can’t make out the words but I can feel the rhythm of the music from where I stand.

The wind is starting to shake the tree tops.

I’ve been standing in the this parking lot for twenty years.

Listened to the songs and felt the beat.

Even said my own prayers.

I learned a lot out here on my own, how to stand, to love.

But this storm is new, unlike any I’ve seen.

Now is not the time to be cynical, afraid, or self-righteous.

We need each other. I need them, and they need me.

Of course, I’m worried. I ain’t them.

We read the Gospel but see a different Savior.

Their’s is a harsh and cruel God. And, needs evil men to accomplish His will.

Mine needs us, His people. Not a pussy grabber.

Still, the thunder once distant, is now getting close.

Time to let Love be what it is, our great covering and unifier.

Lord, I’m going inside now.

Give me the grace, humility, and kindness to be part of your church.

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Nik Curfman 11/27/20 Nik Curfman 11/27/20

Journal: #130 Keep Showing Up

So today, as with most days in 2020, I will sit before the Lord. I will confess my doubts and disappointments out of faith. The mountain will move and the road will be made straight. When the time comes tomorrow, I’ll do it again. I will use the power of my words to tell Jesus how I feel and then partner with Him to move beyond it.

Yesterday I posted my How He Loves story. In an effort to do my best, I must’ve read it a hundred time looking for errors, odd wording, and flow. Each time, I usually found myself in tears. I was caught in the story, of how one moment affects another, and what the Lord can do when He let Him be God.

It’s at moments like this I feel caught up in something far greater than my normal day-to-day pettiness or self-interest. My normal day is spent trying to avoid pain and unpleasant thoughts. While I think about the future, I’m obsessed with my current discomfort. At my worst, I lock up and sink into self-pity. On days like yesterday I know there is something greater than my normal routine. And…I’m starting to tap into it.

New Life

2020 is a remarkable year for me despite the pandemic and a heap of personal failures. It’s the year I decided to pursue the Kingdom as an everyday practice rather than occasional adventure. It’s a small change, but it felt like crossing the Rubicon. I don’t measure my life in the same terms I once did, and I finally found the space to be myself.

In a way, I often feel as though I’m in school. I’m eager to learn and grow. Some subjects are easier to grasp than others, and some lessons are only learned via hands-on training. I’ll use the power of words as an example.

Jesus clearly believed His words held weight. He also believed our words held weight- to give live or deliver death. The comically absurd example He used to demonstrate His point was a the movement of a mountain:

..If anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

This concept is not new, the power of the spoken word. The Old Testament bluntly says power of life and death is in the tongue. Jesus, however, added the space for us to partner with the Father. In it, He create a space for God to be God. He made the power of words into an act of faith rather than another measuring stick of our righteousness. It also creates room for potential disappointment or unmet expectations.

Physician, Heal Thyself

I believe the best prayers are the most honest prayers, a fact I often forget. I find myself holding onto self-judgment and shame. Then I try to fix “it.” The answer is more simple and easy (dare I use that word) than I make it. One area I still struggle with is feeling like I have to clean myself before I approach the Lord or other people. My healing is on the other side of confession: Lord, I feel like shit and a failure. Oh, I’m not shit or a failure? You love me and say I’m worthy of love. Ok. I trust that. Thanks.

Not always, but very often it is that simple.

Old Wisdom

For most of my life I thought success and meaning were the gifts of fate or random chance*. I also believed I was a victim of my circumstances. Today, I do not. More than ever, I see life as a series of little choices and daily decisions. We tend to overburden big moments while we devalue the ordinary. But, who I am and my calling are a matter of the little things- my daily walks with the Lord, healthy routines, and loving boundaries. It’s the wisdom of the ant, and the Ancient.

*Some people are born into “better” situations, or inherit wealth, but what are we really talking about? No one can fake running after God, and who your parents are doesn’t matter when it’s just you and Him.

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Nik Curfman 11/23/20 Nik Curfman 11/23/20

Prayers Answered: #2 God’s Provides

I don’t not think it’s a word to play the lottery. This was a very specific message for a man getting kicked by life. The Lord was (and is) saying, “I love you Evan’s brother. And I will take care of you.”

I find a lot of humor in this one.

Today I received a text from my friend Evan in Roanoke, Virginia. He asked for prayer for his younger brother. The brother has lost multiple jobs, lost his apartment, and had to move in with his parents. He’s 35. No 35 year-old has “move back in with the parents” on the life plan. Needless to add, it’s a tough moment for Evan’s brother.

Last night Evan went to talk to his brother. It was an emotional conversation with lots of disappointment and tears. Evan’s brother is not “sensitive” man, so this outburst meant something.

As Evan left he noticed a bunny hop onto the grass at the edge of the forest. For Evan, bunnies are a prophetic sign of provision. In that moment, the Lord spoke to Evan about his brother. So he went back inside to deliver God’s promise to provide.

This morning Evan got a call from the brother. By way of a lottery ticket, he won $2,000 dollars!! HAHAHHAHAHA. That’s amazing!! And, I’m not going to judge this.

I don’t not think it’s a word to play the lottery. This was a very specific message for a man getting kicked by life. The Lord was (and is) saying, “I love you Evan’s brother. And I will take care of you.”

God is Good.

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Nik Curfman 10/10/20 Nik Curfman 10/10/20

DJ: #84 A Prayer of Determination

Holy Spirit, I accept Joy, Peace, and Hope right now.

I give you my fears, desires, and anxiety.

I release all judgement and tension.

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Lord,

I don’t feel like I’m winning. I don’t feel like I’ve progressed, and I’m not sure I can feel those things. This is my 84th Daily Journal post. That’s something.

I went for a long walk. 5 miles. That’s something.

I signed a client to a long-term deal. That’s something.

I’m sketching almost everyday. That’s something.

I am in Love with you. That’s something.

You are in love with me. That’s something.

I am strong, smart, and kind. That’s something.

I am more engaged in my heart and my calling. That’s something.

I show up everyday to walk with you and listen. That’s something.

I can do all things through you. That’s something.

My faith is growing, despite how I fell. That’s something.

Holy Spirit, I accept Joy, Peace, and Hope right now.

I give you my fears, desires, and anxiety.

I release all judgement and tension.

I believe You in your Kindness, Humor, and Courage.

I do not measure my life in externals, but the love, faith, and righteousness coming out of me.

I refuse to accept condemnation or guilt. I am loved. I am worthy. I am amazing.

I believe in me, the me I was created to be.

Jesus, I love you. Thank you.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 8/4/20 Nik Curfman 8/4/20

Frustrated and Defensive, sucks

I can feel the waves of defiance cascading through my thoughts. I’m arguing with no one. She’s not here. But, no matter. I can fight an empty room just the same.

Today, I am letting myself feel the pain of rejection- real or imagined. It fucking sucks. I hate it. I hate the way I feel small and unworthy, as though nothing about me is acceptable. And I loathe how I turn into a dick, if only to myself.

Despite these very negative admissions…I’m letting this happen. My heart is full of hurts I left unsaid, and I’ve learned to let it out. Ignoring a thing makes the thing stronger. It’s like a child with annoying toy. Once they know you hate it, they never stop playing with it. I’ve got to recognize this suffering.

My heart HURTS. Lord…speak. Please.

“Nik, you know she didn’t intend to cause you pain or discomfort. You experienced a fraction of what she went through. She gave you everything she had, and ran out of herself.

I’m with her now.

And I’ve got you. I love you, and I’m proud of you.”

Lord,

I offer my wounds and my insecurities. I don’t need to defend or compare myself to anyone. I trust in you Lord, to give me purpose, hope, and joy. I believe in my great future, and see no lack in any area of my life. Thank you for sticking with me.

Amen.