Journal: #130 Keep Showing Up

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

Yesterday I posted my How He Loves story. In an effort to do my best, I must’ve read it a hundred time looking for errors, odd wording, and flow. Each time, I usually found myself in tears. I was caught in the story, of how one moment affects another, and what the Lord can do when He let Him be God.

It’s at moments like this I feel caught up in something far greater than my normal day-to-day pettiness or self-interest. My normal day is spent trying to avoid pain and unpleasant thoughts. While I think about the future, I’m obsessed with my current discomfort. At my worst, I lock up and sink into self-pity. On days like yesterday I know there is something greater than my normal routine. And…I’m starting to tap into it.

New Life

2020 is a remarkable year for me despite the pandemic and a heap of personal failures. It’s the year I decided to pursue the Kingdom as an everyday practice rather than occasional adventure. It’s a small change, but it felt like crossing the Rubicon. I don’t measure my life in the same terms I once did, and I finally found the space to be myself.

In a way, I often feel as though I’m in school. I’m eager to learn and grow. Some subjects are easier to grasp than others, and some lessons are only learned via hands-on training. I’ll use the power of words as an example.

Jesus clearly believed His words held weight. He also believed our words held weight- to give live or deliver death. The comically absurd example He used to demonstrate His point was a the movement of a mountain:

..If anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

This concept is not new, the power of the spoken word. The Old Testament bluntly says power of life and death is in the tongue. Jesus, however, added the space for us to partner with the Father. In it, He create a space for God to be God. He made the power of words into an act of faith rather than another measuring stick of our righteousness. It also creates room for potential disappointment or unmet expectations.

Physician, Heal Thyself

I believe the best prayers are the most honest prayers, a fact I often forget. I find myself holding onto self-judgment and shame. Then I try to fix “it.” The answer is more simple and easy (dare I use that word) than I make it. One area I still struggle with is feeling like I have to clean myself before I approach the Lord or other people. My healing is on the other side of confession: Lord, I feel like shit and a failure. Oh, I’m not shit or a failure? You love me and say I’m worthy of love. Ok. I trust that. Thanks.

Not always, but very often it is that simple.

So today, as with most days in 2020, I will sit before the Lord. I will confess my doubts and disappointments out of faith. The mountain will move and the road will be made straight. When the time comes tomorrow, I’ll do it again. I will use the power of my words to tell Jesus how I feel and then partner with Him to move beyond it.

Old Wisdom

For most of my life I thought success and meaning were the gifts of fate or random chance*. I also believed I was a victim of my circumstances. Today, I do not. More than ever, I see life as a series of little choices and daily decisions. We tend to overburden big moments while we devalue the ordinary. But, who I am and my calling are a matter of the little things- my daily walks with the Lord, healthy routines, and loving boundaries. It’s the wisdom of the ant, and the Ancient.

*Some people are born into “better” situations, or inherit wealth, but what are we really talking about? No one can fake running after God, and who your parents are doesn’t matter when it’s just you and Him.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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Journal: #131 Being Who I Am
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Journal: #129 How He Loves Us