Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/13/23 Nik Curfman 1/13/23

Vol III: #53 Scraping Travel Plans

I woke up last week with a peaceful notion in my head and a bit of disappointment in my heart. “I’ve got to cancel my travel plans for 2023. All of them.” The thought is peaceful because my brain is now freed from the task of planning and financing my trips. And though my heart wanted to visit new places and hug old friends, I know the wise thing is to sit home for the year. Stillness has its benefits.

On the other hand, and as much as I appreciate Redding, the idea of a ‘still’ season is unappealing. The summers in particular are hot and empty. The city empties of people and life grinds to a halt under the relentless sunshine. Most locals spend the season indoors or on a lake and all the college students return home. And anyone with an extra dollar will vacation on the coast or LA. Fortunately, spring and fall are lovely which means my task will be to find a way through the that long summer stretch that lasting from June til early September. I

’ll have to a have a plan, suppose I’ll get out to hike more and maybe camp for a night or two. I’d rather be outside as it is. My scraped plans are a disappointment, but it opens new doors to explore more of the California mountains, forests, and beaches. Not a bad concession if you ask me. Not bad at all.

Nik Curfman 7/22/21 Nik Curfman 7/22/21

Abstract: Paddling

I bought fresh sketchbooks and new pencils,

dreamed of greatness, and plotted my course.

Some days I paddle as hard as I can,

and some days I dream of paddling as hard as I can.

I bought fresh sketchbooks and new pencils,

dreamed of greatness, and plotted my course.

Some days I paddle as hard as I can,

and some days I dream of paddling as hard as I can.

Even more, some days I dream of dreaming,

and at that point, I am not paddling.

My eyes are trained on the shore,

not far from me and my little boat.

The journey to the other side seems so far from here,

and the waves conspire to knock me off my route.

Even still, I will push on,

away from the comfort of dreaming,

toward the reality of doing.

Today is not the day I become a master,

rather one day closer.

Nik Curfman 6/4/21 Nik Curfman 6/4/21

Journal: #298 Ever Shifting Community

In all seriousness, I need new people in my community. The question is, do I suffer this summer in silence, or do I make an effort with what I’ve got? I know I need people- every single day. That’s why I was so very thankful for today. I hope for more, and if it doesn’t happen, September will be here soon.

One skill I am proud to possess is the ability to maintain friendships over time and space. It’s a real blessing to be able to share life with so many quality people. One intriguing aspect of having such a wide group of good friends is the cycle of contact and communication. I enjoy watching some relationships fade to the back while others shine for a spell. Then, like a lava lamp, the flow reverses. Cold relationships become warm again as memories and updates swapped.

The last year has been one of social isolation. Between COIVD and remote work, I rarely see people. Today was a bit of an anomaly. I went for a hike in the morning with Hudson, then hosted Alex for dinner tonight. It was nice. The older I grow, the more work I’ve got to put into my friendships. Nearly all of my friends are married, and most are several children deep into family life. Ironically, their single friend in Redding is not as important as their screaming daughters. What jerks.

Nik Curfman 1/31/21 Nik Curfman 1/31/21

Journal: #192 Jesus Changed My Life

I know what it’s like to feel stuck in front of a wall of defeat, unable to find myself. I also know what it’s like to be on the other side, no longer afraid or scared. I’m thankful for it. It’s the grace and goodness of God.

I agree with the sentiment first attributed to Mark Twain “Comparison is the death of Joy.” Psychology research says it is who we compare ourselves to that matters most. Regardless, when we compare our lives to others we play a dangerous game. We are the Lord’s. How dare we look to other’s to judge our progress or worth.

Heart Broken for a Friend

Today, I saw an Instagram post from a dear friend which broke my heart for them. I know this person struggles to love who they are, and to see them still struggling was tough for me. They constantly compare and judge their life as inadequate. I wish I could download my experience and wisdom into their veins. All I could do was pray for their heart and a fresh release of vision from the Holy Spirit.

Happy For Me

In the same instant my heart broke for my friend, I felt a personal sense of success. I haven’t seen my friend in months but at one point we shared a lot of life together. Then our paths diverged. I went up the mountain, and they went on their way. If recent posts are an indicator, they still seem to be surrounded by doubt and worthlessness. That’s a douchey way to say it. Perhaps I will discover a more apt expression of my personal feeling, but for now success is it. (Proud perhaps?)

Since I read the Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth, my life hasn’t been the same. I’m not sure why I needed to read a book at the age of 38 to understand the meaning of hard work and determination, but I did. The Lord knew it was was a major piece necessary to get me over a few big life hurdles.

Since the fall of 2018, I dive head first into whatever I decide to do. Go hard, or go home. Half-assed effort is the mark of the immature and afraid. I apply this approach in business, personal relationships, and my walk with Jesus. When I feel like crap, like a fraud or a failure, I don’t let it stop me. I’m willing to show up despite the negative thoughts and heavy emotions.

Show up Everyday

I named this website Fearless Grit because it’s how I see my walk with the Lord. It’s real work. Some days feel like my mind is stuck in the quick sand of distraction. On others, doubt and insecurity build walls around my heart. There always seems to be a reason to run from the Lord. Yet, I show up and say “here I am, Lord. I trust you.”

Am I proud of this? Yeah. A little. Since the beginning of last year I’ve: found the source of my anger and rooted it out, discovered my identity in the Lord, overcome fear, found my callings, exposed the desires of my heart and developed the faith to run after them.

No matter what anyone else can see, I know the Lord has rewarded my effort. He’s proud of me, and He loves me. Every day is an opportunity to fight back against evil and be a light to those around me.

Back to Instagram. I know what it’s like to feel stuck in front of a wall of defeat, unable to find myself. I also know what it’s like to be on the other side, no longer afraid or scared. I’m thankful for it. It’s the grace and goodness of God.

If I can say anything to any of my fellow Christians, let it be that the Lord is good and His love endures. The more you expose your heart and mind to Him, the more you will see chains fall and roads become straight. Show up(everyday). Let Him love you. It’ll change your life.

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Nik Curfman 1/11/21 Nik Curfman 1/11/21

Journal: #172 Gratitude Of Change

It’s the blessing of the Lord for Him to shine a light on path I need to forge. He’s trying to help. I’m not deep in a romantic relationship with my on fire, or tied to a dead-end business partnership. Right now is the best time to face these demons, far outside any metaphorical city.

The following might be a bit of a challenge for some, but it’s my life.

Last night, I felt insecure and knew I needed to connect with the Lord. My thoughts were running unhindered into dark places, and I was arguing with myself. I tried to meditate and create a space for the Holy Spirit. Eventually, I found a peaceful spot as I sat on the couch.

As I’ve done a thousand times over the last year, I questioned the narratives in my head. I know whatever distance I feel, however far I think I am from the Holy Spirit, it’s not true. He’s always with me. Furthermore, Jesus is the Prince of Peace, not the author of anxiety. The self-judgement and insecurity I sense is my head, not my Kingdom reality.

Maturing In My Relationship With Jesus

Toward the end of the evening I closed my eyes to listen to the Lord. My mind went quiet and I waited. As is normal, I began to cry as I waited on Him. This routine began when I was a child, and I’ve never questioned it. After a bit, in mind, I saw the face my Grandmother Lean and she asked me,”Why are you crying?”

In more ways than one, it’s funny she would be the person to ask me such a question. On earth she was very matter-of-fact and tolerated little non-sense. Her blunt nature could be mistaken for being cold and unfeeling. In this situation, it fits she would ask me such a direct question.

I couldn’t really respond to her, but I knew the answer. I cry in the presence of the Lord because I don’t feel worthy to be there. So her question was not meant to embarrass me, but rather to challenge me. In all my time with Jesus over the last year, I still feel unworthy. (Not all the time, and with less frequency than ever.)

Do It Now, or Later. Choose Now

I thought about what the Lord has exposed in me this year: what my biggest desires are, what my biggest fears are, and my lasting grudge toward ministers. My heart sank. I thought about this never ending cycle of self-perfection. What’s the point? Yet, I know this moment is the Lord trying to pull weed out of my heart.

Something about that last thought “this moment is the Lord” struck my heart. I’ve looked at this all wrong. It’s the blessing of the Lord for Him to shine a light on path I need to forge. He’s trying to help. I’m not deep in a romantic relationship with my life on fire, or tied to a dead-end business partnership. Right now is the best time to face these demons, far outside any metaphorical city.

Instead of sitting in self-pity, I’m going to be thankful. Like I wrote yesterday, better to move when the Lord says move than wait for the pain to show itself.

Thank you Lord for being good to me. Thank you for showing me, this is grace and mercy too. To take me into the wilderness to grow and find peace.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/6/20 Nik Curfman 10/6/20

DJ: #80 My Top 5 Practices For Change

I defeated the anxiety by utilizing the five practices below. My victorious moment came while I was 1) in prayer, 2) fighting anxiety(refusing to give into rejection), 3) being kind to myself, 4) prioritizing myself, and 5) speaking life and God’s word over my life. It was as though I hit reset button.

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I write this blog for myself as much as I write it for you. I’ve grown a lot over this year, and I want to remember the trail I’ve trodden. It’s a bit like being in school. I learn. I fail. I grow. I succeed. The thing is, I’m not tired or discouraged. This is the process of moving into a life worth living.

Most of my recent blogs centered on my battle with anxiety. I knew I had to keep fighting, as dangerous thoughts started to creep into my mind. “You’ve lost it. You were better in July. You’ve lost the magic.” None of it is true, but the most powerful lies are clothed in a hint of truth.

I defeat anxiety by utilizing the five practices below. My victorious moments come when I 1) prayer, 2) fighting the thought/emotions(refusing to give into rejection), 3) be kind to myself, 4) prioritize myself, and 5) speak life and God’s word over my life.

my top five practices to navigate change successfully

Show up. Everyday. Each day, I make significant time for Jesus- to pray, to listen, and to receive.
Matthew 6:33 is my way of life,“Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness…” In this space I cry, complain, laugh, and find my center in Him. And, as promised by Jesus and Paul, I see results. I experience fruits like joy and self-control, and my needs are met.
My major shift was making this practice- seeking Jesus everyday- a mandatory habit. Regardless of what I feel or what’s happening in my life, I make time for Jesus. I pray. I release. I listen. I receive. He is faithful to respond. He’s waiting to respond.
So, show up. Everyday. It’s not about a feeling or perfect circumstances. You’ll see progression after a week, month, six months, etc. You can’t behold Jesus and remain as you are.
Fight the fight. The way I see it, every time I let an evil thought or feeling take root in me, I set myself up for failure. Instead I must fight.
I love Paul. The more I walk with the Lord, the more is words satisfied my heart. In a letter to the Corinthians he wrote the magical words,“Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” The depressing thought is how many thoughts I have in opposition to Jesus. (LOLOLOLOLOL, it’s not that bad.)
My business coach taught me how pain and trauma don’t mysteriously disappear. Pain unaddressed leads to fear and suffering. Therefore, whenever I sense my thoughts heading south, I stop my day and fight it. I refuse to allow pain or shame to make decisions for me.
Most of my shitty moments stem from insecurity. For these moments I have a series of questions I ask myself: Why do I feel this way? What if that’s not true? What else is possible? What is the truth? What does the Lord say? These questions enable me to disarm the thought or feeling and focus on truth. They also enable me to more forward through the morass.
Positive affirmation is the other way to fight the fight. I give greater details below.
Positive confession is real. Daily positive affirmation is an amazing path forward through all the lies and fears trying to dominate me.
Jesus told us our words are powerful. He promised we will move mountains with them. Add that to Paul’s exhortation to the Romans, “be transformed by the renewing of your mind,” we have practical way to fight. Since our words carry weight, let them shower grace and speak life. And bonus, we can speak life to ourselves.
Modern science confirms the weight of our words. Words literally change the expression of our genes. Positive words improve cognitive abilities, and negative words disrupt brain function. Stop for a second. Let what you just read sink in. The words you use toward yourself will literally improve or destroy your life.
I am still learning this lesson. After weeks of battling fear and anxiety, I started affirming myself, “Nik, you’re awesome. You’re special. You’re amazing.” After five minutes, I felt lighter, like a weight dropped off my back.
Start with the promises of the God- “I am loved (John 15:9), I am worthy (Ephesians 2:10), I am special (Exodus 14:14).” And keep speaking them over yourself. I have one of two reactions when I say “Nik, you are loved.” I either agree and feel joy. Or, I hesitate. When I hesitate I sit in it. I repeat it. “Nik, you are loved, you are loved, you are loved, you are loved.” I keep going till I feel the release or start another affirmation.
Prioritize what’s important. I can’t do it all. I can’t appease everyone. I can’t be in two places at once. But, I do decide what’s important.
The biggest problem most of us face is deciding who and what we are about. We instinctively know every decision means the sacrifice of many alternatives. But it feels a lot less like sacrifice when know why you do what you do.
My decision to put Jesus first means I give up a significant portion of my day each day. It means I leave parties early, and get up early every morning. Now, the practice is a normal part of my life. Of course, I’m going to leave the party by 8 pm. It’s what I do.
I also prioritize this blog, my diet, and what I put into brain via my phone and TV. I believe in me. I love me. Accordingly, I must do for myself what no one else can do.
Be gracious toward yourself, and Love yourself. Change has painful moments. The great buffer between feeling like a failure and feeling secure is how I choose to love myself.
Jesus told us to love lots of people: God, our neighbors, our enemies, each other, and ourselves. Most of us get the first two- God and others- and we tend to neglect ourselves. We might treat ourselves on the weekend or take a moment to do something our heart loves, but day-to-day we ignore what we need. It is a sin to do so. Literally.
If you divide it into three parts- God, others, self- then it follows we need to pay as much attention and give as much grace to ourselves as we do to others. It means being forgiving, kind, understanding, patient, and persistent…with ourselves. It means serving ourselves.
Binge shopping, binge eating, drinking alcohol, smoking things, masturbating, even hanging out with friends are not self-care. Self love is doing what it takes to be our best self. It means being bold even if it looks silly. It means playing a guitar if no one listens, reading a book for fun, going for walks in the forest, whatever puts joy in our heart and feeds our soul. This is love.

Whenever I write a list I instantly think about what I left out. For now, I’m happy with what I wrote. Change aka Repentance is hard. It requires dedication, fight, repetition, sacrifice, and grace. It’s worth it. I can’t say where I’ll be in a year. It’s gonna be far different from anywhere I’ve been before. And if I can do it, you can do it.

Be bold. Be yourself. You are loved.

Nik Curfman 9/23/20 Nik Curfman 9/23/20

DJ: #67 My Life Ain’t Boring

There is something to be said for stability, and I assume one year of my life will be like the one before. But, I’m ok with how the last seven years unfolded. Our Father is great. In every single one of these years, I can now clearly see Him at work. Nothing was wasted. And it ain’t boring.

I apologize for being a bit vague this morning. I’m going to describe a conversation without the juicier details; however, I likely will write about the details in the next few months- one way or another.

Last night one of my very best and oldest friends randomly texted me, “Have you ever thought about X?” (X is a thing, not a person.) I responded I had thought about X, but jokingly. X seems like it could be fun, worth doing. This friend gave me some encouragement and left it at that.

Early today, I thought about X. At the earliest, it’s a year away. As I thought about September 2021, my mind spun a bit. “A lot can change in year,” I admitted to myself. Then I thought back to September of 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, and beyond. In each of those years my life was substantially different than the previous year.

September 2019: I owned a small share of a BBQ company, recently recovered from a mystery stomach illness, and generally thought my life was about to take off.

September 2018: I moved to San Francisco to pursue a career in technology. I spent the last few years in Redding a drift and thought it was a good move.

September 2017: I shut down my pop-up Cafe Prohibition and focused on contract work in marketing and project management. 2017 was my hardest year to California. I battled depression and suicide most of the summer.

September 2016: I started my pop-up, Cafe Prohibition. I left a tech sales job that August, because I knew sales and the associated grind would never be my thing. I wanted something different for my life. On a personal level I was still reeling from a break-up. I exercised to extreme levels, and lost no weight. The shame was overwhelming.

September 2015: I worked for a non-profit as a communication manager. And I started a juice fast after I watched the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. During this time I also connected with the Lord in powerful way. I was in a similar place to where I am now. I put myself in His hands everyday. My wisdom now is to stay in this place. I’m never leaving.

September 2014: Recently promoted, I worked hard to prove myself at my first tech job. My life looked up even though I hated the job. I trusted the Lord and did my best.

September 2013: This might be one of the 3-4 rock bottom moments of my life. I was submerged in shame and absolutely hated my job. I hated myself as I sold fresh fish over the phone. Management/ownership was, without question, the worst group of men I have ever worked for.

I can go on, but I’ll stop here. Over this time frame I’ve held nine different jobs, received mail at ten different addresses, and lived with twelve roommates. As you can see, almost every year from one September to the next, my life has changed in dramatic fashion. I have not held the same profession for more than a year. (To be fair to myself, I’ve hustled in marketing dating back to 2015. It just wasn’t my main gig like it is now.) If I pursue X as mentioned above, the trend would continue, more change and new people.

I admit my biggest concern, if that’s the right word, is what others will think if I pursue X. Automatically I know I shouldn’t care what others will think. I confess such thoughts to expose them. How silly it is we should allow the opinions of others is influence our decisions.

I’m so thankful I’ve spent the last seven years taking risks. It’s made me resilient and unafraid to fail. I think the decision is already made.