Journal: #172 Gratitude Of Change

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

The following might be a bit of a challenge for some, but it’s my life.

Last night, I felt insecure and knew I needed to connect with the Lord. My thoughts were running unhindered into dark places, and I was arguing with myself. I tried to meditate and create a space for the Holy Spirit. Eventually, I found a peaceful spot as I sat on the couch.

As I’ve done a thousand times over the last year, I questioned the narratives in my head. I know whatever distance I feel, however far I think I am from the Holy Spirit, it’s not true. He’s always with me. Furthermore, Jesus is the Prince of Peace, not the author of anxiety. The self-judgement and insecurity I sense is my head, not my Kingdom reality.

Maturing In My Relationship With Jesus

Toward the end of the evening I closed my eyes to listen to the Lord. My mind went quiet and I waited. As is normal, I began to cry as I waited on Him. This routine began when I was a child, and I’ve never questioned it. After a bit, in mind, I saw the face my Grandmother Lean and she asked me,”Why are you crying?”

In more ways than one, it’s funny she would be the person to ask me such a question. On earth she was very matter-of-fact and tolerated little non-sense. Her blunt nature could be mistaken for being cold and unfeeling. In this situation, it fits she would ask me such a direct question.

I couldn’t really respond to her, but I knew the answer. I cry in the presence of the Lord because I don’t feel worthy to be there. So her question was not meant to embarrass me, but rather to challenge me. In all my time with Jesus over the last year, I still feel unworthy. (Not all the time, and with less frequency than ever.)

Do It Now, or Later. Choose Now

I thought about what the Lord has exposed in me this year: what my biggest desires are, what my biggest fears are, and my lasting grudge toward ministers. My heart sank. I thought about this never ending cycle of self-perfection. What’s the point? Yet, I know this moment is the Lord trying to pull weed out of my heart.

Something about that last thought “this moment is the Lord” struck my heart. I’ve looked at this all wrong. It’s the blessing of the Lord for Him to shine a light on path I need to forge. He’s trying to help. I’m not deep in a romantic relationship with my life on fire, or tied to a dead-end business partnership. Right now is the best time to face these demons, far outside any metaphorical city.

Instead of sitting in self-pity, I’m going to be thankful. Like I wrote yesterday, better to move when the Lord says move than wait for the pain to show itself.

Thank you Lord for being good to me. Thank you for showing me, this is grace and mercy too. To take me into the wilderness to grow and find peace.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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Journal: #171 Onward In Faith