Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 5/27/22 Nik Curfman 5/27/22

Vol II: #72 Terrible Week

Weeks like this one make me more grateful to be alive. I’m thankful for life and the people I get to love. What a gift. I’m more aware of the goodness and mercy of the Lord than ever. Why? Because. I should’ve died many times over whether it was drunk driving, nearly falling backward off a mountain, or swerving to miss a stopped car on the highway. I’m nearly 42 and I could’ve had a freak accident and write up in the paper.

Earlier this week, terrible things happened. The shooting in Texas was horrific and mind-numbing. And, a good friend lost his older brother in a freak kayaking accident. He was 42 with a wife and two young boys. As stated when I can began- terrible things, shitty things. I have no answers but to ask the Lord to comfort to the those who mourn. Heaven weeps with us.

One thing I learned from people dealing with cocked-up situations is not to let grief and anger consume me. I’ll take it a step further and say it does no good to ask “why?” or “how could God let this happen?” A) Shit happens. You’ll go crazy trying to figure out every disappointment. On the rare occasion you receive a truthful “why” answer, it will not ease the pain of absence or loss. And, B) God does want a single bad thing to happen to His children. Consider the Bible is full of shitty actions- murders, rapes, betrayal, torture, etc. God seems to “let” a lot happen. The temptation is to believe the existence of tragedy is a judgement against us but it isn’t. Shit happens to everyone and not all life can be consumed by tragedy or we would not have time to do much else.

Terrible stuff happens. God is good and so is life. All of these things are true.

Nik Curfman 1/11/21 Nik Curfman 1/11/21

Journal: #172 Gratitude Of Change

It’s the blessing of the Lord for Him to shine a light on path I need to forge. He’s trying to help. I’m not deep in a romantic relationship with my on fire, or tied to a dead-end business partnership. Right now is the best time to face these demons, far outside any metaphorical city.

The following might be a bit of a challenge for some, but it’s my life.

Last night, I felt insecure and knew I needed to connect with the Lord. My thoughts were running unhindered into dark places, and I was arguing with myself. I tried to meditate and create a space for the Holy Spirit. Eventually, I found a peaceful spot as I sat on the couch.

As I’ve done a thousand times over the last year, I questioned the narratives in my head. I know whatever distance I feel, however far I think I am from the Holy Spirit, it’s not true. He’s always with me. Furthermore, Jesus is the Prince of Peace, not the author of anxiety. The self-judgement and insecurity I sense is my head, not my Kingdom reality.

Maturing In My Relationship With Jesus

Toward the end of the evening I closed my eyes to listen to the Lord. My mind went quiet and I waited. As is normal, I began to cry as I waited on Him. This routine began when I was a child, and I’ve never questioned it. After a bit, in mind, I saw the face my Grandmother Lean and she asked me,”Why are you crying?”

In more ways than one, it’s funny she would be the person to ask me such a question. On earth she was very matter-of-fact and tolerated little non-sense. Her blunt nature could be mistaken for being cold and unfeeling. In this situation, it fits she would ask me such a direct question.

I couldn’t really respond to her, but I knew the answer. I cry in the presence of the Lord because I don’t feel worthy to be there. So her question was not meant to embarrass me, but rather to challenge me. In all my time with Jesus over the last year, I still feel unworthy. (Not all the time, and with less frequency than ever.)

Do It Now, or Later. Choose Now

I thought about what the Lord has exposed in me this year: what my biggest desires are, what my biggest fears are, and my lasting grudge toward ministers. My heart sank. I thought about this never ending cycle of self-perfection. What’s the point? Yet, I know this moment is the Lord trying to pull weed out of my heart.

Something about that last thought “this moment is the Lord” struck my heart. I’ve looked at this all wrong. It’s the blessing of the Lord for Him to shine a light on path I need to forge. He’s trying to help. I’m not deep in a romantic relationship with my life on fire, or tied to a dead-end business partnership. Right now is the best time to face these demons, far outside any metaphorical city.

Instead of sitting in self-pity, I’m going to be thankful. Like I wrote yesterday, better to move when the Lord says move than wait for the pain to show itself.

Thank you Lord for being good to me. Thank you for showing me, this is grace and mercy too. To take me into the wilderness to grow and find peace.

Amen.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 12/27/20 Nik Curfman 12/27/20

Journal: #158 When Pain Piles Up

Sometimes I feel empty, completely lacking wisdom or knowledge or talent. Despite this, I know now more than ever, I will still sing His praises. I can reach for Grace and find it. I’m not alone. These trials are but a moment, and they will pass.

A few months ago I started working a part-time gig for a non-profit organization with operations in Africa and southeast Asia. The job includes managing a sponsorship program. Under this umbrella program are a number of programs to support children, education, and families in some of the poorest countries on Earth. Everyday I’m reminded of the struggles people all over the planet face just to live.

Closer to home, I’ve felt slightly overwhelmed by bad news from friends. Two different friends had to rush a parent to ER with major heart problems, most of family in South Carolina is coming off fights with COVID-19, and then there are the people enduring cancer treatments on Christmas Eve.

It’s a lot. So many people are hurting. Old Nik would feel responsible for it all. How egotistical.

Oh, then there’s me. I wanted to be in Wisconsin for Christmas, but that didn’t work out. I’ve tried to ignore this particular disappointment. What can I do about it? I can’t make someone want to date me, and I believe in a better dating future for my life. But this still lingers. To be ever cliche…it is what it is.

Making Room For Jesus

I let myself feel the sorrow for a bit today while on a quick walk around the block. With tears on my cheeks I told the Lord I was sad, and “I trust you.” Almost instantly, I started to laugh. Why? I don’t know. I don’t care. All I know is the Lord was with me. He knew I was disappointed and thinking about someone far away.

It is good life is lived second at a time. I can be feel pain and failure in one moment, and with an honest simple prayer feel the peace and presence of the Eternal. He holds my future, not me. I’m not called to fix all the pain in the world. I’m a light, a voice in the night, and I will say “Keep going. It’s worth it.”

Facing Fears

Yesterday, my dad and I discussed emotional triggers. We all have them. It can be an off-hand comment that suddenly spins us into rage or fear. Or, it can be a misinterpreted text. Relationships can change in an instant when one person is triggered by the other.

In the end, triggers are intense moments when fear grips our soul. It whispers its lies to our hearts. Then we are faced with a choice. Do we let fear dominate our choices and actions? Or, do we face the anxiety with prayer and faith? Triggers left undefeated lead to a life controlled by fear. The only real choice is to stand and fight, to push back against the darkness trying to claim us.

The Answers Are On Him

In the last 48 hours, I’ve felt my triggers “you weren’t good enough for her, they’re going to die, prayer doesn’t work, you will get fat again.” None of this bullshit is true, but that’s not the point. The goal of any lie is to control the outcome. Fear wants me to stop. Sorrow wants me quit believing in the goodness of the Lord. And anxiety wants me to stop letting faith rule my heart.

I will not relent.

Sing His Praise

My goal isn’t to fix people. For starters, I can’t. I can’t bring my former girl friend. I can’t pull cancer from bodies, or unblock arteries. My skills and talent will be used to proclaim the glory of our Father to those in the storm. When my best friend is depressed by his brother’s cancer, when my family faces an uncertain future, when I feel the desire to want someone who doesn’t me…I will stand and say,“The Lord is still good. He loves us without end. Our destiny is in Him beyond these trials and pain.”

Lord, thank you for my life. Thank for the family and friends I have. Thank you they see me as a pillar of strength. That’s Your doing. Thank you for the blessings and favor I have. More Lord. Keep it coming. You are good. You are worthy of my love and affection. And I am worthy of Yours.

Thank you Jesus.

Amen.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 11/18/20 Nik Curfman 11/18/20

Journal: #122 When Faith Feels Like Death

Abraham’s story is the one we all want to live. We want to express our faith and devotion. In the back of our minds we believe “it’ll work out.” All I need to do is show up. Trust God. Everything will be ok. Except, this isn’t always the case.

I know how Abraham felt as he walked Isaac up the hill. In his hand was his promise from God, his beautiful sweet promise. The amazing aspect of this story is Abraham, promise in hand, was ready to sacrifice it. He was prepared to let go of his promise in obedience to the Father. The story in Genesis ends well, as the Lord provided a ram in thicket. God’s promise preserved.

Glory and Pain

Abraham’s story is the one we all want to live. We want to express our faith and devotion. In the back of our minds we believe “it’ll work out.” All I need to do is show up. Trust God. Everything will be ok. Except, this isn’t always the case.

Early this year I found an amazing woman. In her I saw compassion, empathy, creativity, and intelligence. She loves to learn and has an affinity for plants. I also saw her insecurity, perfectionist tendencies, and anxiety issues. For everything she was and was not, she had the look and feel of my promise. She was the woman I wanted.

As our relationship sunk, I prayed as much as I ever. I choose to love her and myself the best I could. In faith I believed our relationship would be saved, somehow. But, I prayed one prayer more than the others “Lord, Your will be done.” When she came to my apartment on that sunny afternoon in May, I knew what I had to do. I had to let her go. There would be no ram in the thicket for me.

Letting Go Hurts

In that moment I felt more like Jesus in the Garden* rather than Abraham on the hill. I saw the breakup train coming, I petitioned the Lord to stop it, but it ran me over nonetheless. I was gutted. Not my will, but Yours be done. My promise burned on the alter, and all I could do was cry and stand my ground. There would be no running from the pain this time.

Today, I wanted to text her. I wanted her to know I’m alive and I think about her.

In my head I have arguments in regard to what faith is in these moments. Is faith letting her go? Or is it “fighting for her?” Both have the appearance of wisdom and fear. So today, I choose not to text my former girlfriend. It is a move of faith, not fear. I don’t have to be perfect in my walk with Jesus. (At some point, she would need to choose me back. She would need to use her words to tell me exactly what she wants rather than passively fall into a relationship. Of note, she broke up with me, and has said or done nothing to contradict her decision.)

Acting on Faith

More than that, I’m making room for God to be God. I’ve created space for His hands to work, and I’ve still got my promise. My promise is to marry an amazing woman who loves Jesus and her quirky self. Most importantly, I await the woman who will love me for the rest of time. The former lady? It’s ok we didn’t work out. She’s still a wonderful person, and I don’t need reason to move forward.

It’s time. Today is one more step into my destiny.

*I find it fitting Jesus resisted the temptation to run from His destiny in a garden. Adam and Eve were in a garden too. In the garden they chose perfectionism, lust, and gratification. When faced with the same choices, Jesus choose death. He choose the death promised to Adam and Eve. He looked up at the train and stood His ground. Resurrection waited for Him on the the other side.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

LINKS

Walk in the Woods Blog

About

Marketing Services

Contact

Best of Monthly Email Sign Up

Nik Curfman 10/12/20 Nik Curfman 10/12/20

DJ: #85 There and Back Again

Thankfully, His grace and mercy is new every morning. It doesn’t matter how productive or unproductive I am. It doesn’t matter how many times I f-ck up. The main thing is to keep Jesus the main thing. That’s it. That’s all I want. Let him be Jesus, which starts by being honest.

LINKS

About

Walk in the Woods Blog

Marketing Services

“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”
- Thorin Oakenshield

Yesterday was the first day(non travel related) without a blog post in nearly three months. I thought about it, and nearly wrote about Rosa. I worked with Rosa at a sushi restaurant ten years ago. She was a squat, dark-skinned Honduran woman with crooked teeth. She laughed at everything and took pleasure whenever she yelled “Caliente Hot!” as she pulled her latest creation from the fryer.

I was going to write about her in reference to peace. How one day, while I melted down, Rosa looked into my eyes and whispered a soft but firm, “Tranquilo, Nik.” But, I decided to go to the prayer chapel instead of write.

While in the prayer chapel I lost my temper as two old people decided to pray aloud. I wrestled with my frustration and their insistence to be heard. As I walked away from the building I had a good laugh. What a day. I went from thinking about Rosa and peace, to completely giving my peace away…whilst I prayed.

Today, same same. I had a great morning walk with Jesus, then melted down in the car a few moments ago. I can feel a pull into self-pity and bullshit, but I refuse to stay down. If I fall a thousands time, in a day, I will get up a thousand and one. I only lose if I let fear and anxiety win.

I was triggered today by something someone said. And it was something I want to hear, so that’s fun. It was a mature statement made by a mature person. Before I knew what was happening, I was in a hole. I felt like I had to react, or will have to act on what they said. None of that is true, fortunately. It took a good cry and an admission I am afraid for me to move through it.

This is me. This is real. I am a man facing my humanity, daring to believe I will be fully me.

One area of improvement, something to be thankful for, is I do not feel worn out or stuck. The enemy likes to pile on layers of condemnation and pity- to judge our judgment and pain. But, I’m not doing that. I might feel sad or confused, but I am loving myself through it.

I realized this morning I stopped verbalizing my pain. I stopped being vulnerable, and began to skip to “fixing myself.” So today is about getting back to a basic vulnerability in my life. In truth, I can’t find peace or healing if I am trying heal myself. That’s not how it works.

Sometimes, I want to look for solutions without looking for the source and cause of my suffering. The process of healing includes looking first at what is, allowing the Lord to be the Lord, and receiving His grace.

Thankfully, His grace and mercy is new every morning. It doesn’t matter how productive or unproductive I am. It doesn’t matter how many times I f-ck up. The main thing is to keep Jesus the main thing. That’s it. That’s all I want. Let him be Jesus, which starts by being honest.

Nik Curfman 9/22/20 Nik Curfman 9/22/20

DJ: #66 Growth Isn’t Pain Free

The sting of accusation I feel will likely never die, that burst of negative emotion associated with human fear. Regardless, I do see growth in the moment. My need to be understood and appreciated found a healthy pot to grow in. Fortunately, I did not spend my weekend spiraling into an emotional abyss. Instead, I battled for myself rather than allow a hurting person define me.

Last week, I had to make an economic decision to pick between two clients. I could not work with both. After a month of talks, I had told Client A I could not work with them. Client A did not take it well. They felt betrayed and let down. I admit I could’ve handled the let down with more tact, but I thought I did my best. I never thought they’d react the way they did.

(To be fair to myself, we didn’t have a contract. I did some work for Client A and gave them everything they needed, while they did not deliver on their end. They continued to push the contract discussion, so I took the information I had and made a choice. Regardless, I didn’t make my decision in anger. It was very matter of fact in my mind. “Client A isn’t following through, pushing meetings, etc, while Client B is delivering everything they said they would while offering a much better financial arrangement.”)

The tough part of this moment is Client A is a friend. I mistakenly thought they would understand my situation. They did not.

Over the weekend I contemplated my actions and their reaction. Did I make a poor business decision? No. I had a similar conversation earlier in the month without a similar response. Could I have handled the moving-on discussion with Client A better? Yes. Absolutely. But overall, I did not merit Client A’s wrath. They responded out of their own brokenness.

And yet…and yet…I still spent way too much energy thinking and feeling my way through the conflict. It gnawed at me all weekend, but in the same space existed a new calmness. In the past, I would’ve slashed and burned my way out. I wanted to defend myself, expose their flaws, broken promises, and general arrogance. But, I did not. I wanted to explain my thought process to comfort them. But, I did not. I worried what they might- in their anger- tell our community. Then, I let it go. I will fear no man. (To be fair, some minor part of me wanted to do be a dick. But…)

I feel a particular healthy disconnect from humanity of late. I’m still a loving and compassionate man. I just don’t feel enmeshed with outcomes. I’m not responsible for Client A, just like I’m not responsible for the any other adult making their own choices. Love knows where it is limited, and a human can only receive as much as they give to themself. Client A’s biggest problem isn’t me. It’s their lack of self-worth.

The sting of an accusation will likely never die, that burst of negative emotion associated with human fear. Regardless, I do see growth in the moment. I did not spend my weekend spiraling into an emotional abyss. Instead, I battled for myself rather than allow a hurting person define me.

One more thought before I finish: This is my new life, to live with the knowledge I will make decisions and some of them will hurt people. That’s the way life is. The best I can do is learn, adapt, and more forward. I do not want to hurt a single person, not even a little. And maybe offense is unavoidable? Seems like offense is badge of honor in 2020- we lead with our triggers expecting everyone to tiptoe around us. I would rather be unoffendable, or as close to it as possible.

Lord,

Grant me the grace to learn from my mistakes and errors. Even though my heart is to bless and love people, I know it will not be evident in all my actions and words. Please cover me with wisdom and humility. I do not want to repeat mistakes. I do not believe I am better than the traps I see others battle. Take my heart, my intentions, and my thoughts. Curve them into your plan for me. I just want to do your will Lord.

Your will be done in me, as it is in Heaven. Bless Client A with all the love and grace You have. Blast their hearts with kindness and joy beyond measure. Heal their brokenness and remove fear from their eyes.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 9/12/20 Nik Curfman 9/12/20

Abstraction: Cut by the Glass

This one picture held everything I thought I wanted, I loved. And old sorrows rose as I fixed my eyes on the screen. They got everything they wanted. Used me up. Left me to bleed. I wanted to argue, and spit, and scream.

A flick of my thumb, like a roll of this dice, I never know what will come.

The scroll stopped on a black and white photo of a restaurant. A woman worked behind the counter. My former future taunting me as I stared.

This one picture held everything I thought I wanted, I loved. And old sorrows rose as I fixed my eyes on the screen.

They got everything they wanted. Used me up. Left me to bleed. I wanted to argue, and spit, and scream.

A moment later, anger gave way to dejection as I put the glass down. Surges of sadness flooded my heart.

I closed my eyes and wept. I loved her. I loved her, I loved her, I loved her. I still love her. I can’t stop loving her. I can’t stop hoping the best for her, hoping she’s happy.

After a few deep breaths, I let silence fill the room.

I waited for the Voice above all voices, and He did not disappoint.

“I am here…Would you go back?”

No.

“Do you trust me?”

Yes.

“Good.”

Simple as that, I laid my broken heart in His hands. A practice now routine between us, I gave the Lord all my suffering, desires, and judgments.

And like He’s done a hundred times before, He washed away all that would drag me back to what I was. Back to the me before I divorced my fear.

The sadness of an unwelcome end is not to be ignored. The wounds of suffering either fester or heal, but they never fade anyway. And I will not bandage myself in the false wisdom of self-protection.

I will allow myself to bleed and weep before Him, creating room for Him to work miracles.

My heart healed, pumping to the rhythm of joy, I think back to the glass. The resentment and heartache now vanished, replaced by peace and love.

I hope they continue on toward their great destinies. I head toward mine.