DJ: #53 No More Porn

I don’t know where to begin to compare my porn-watching habits to the next person’s. I once described myself as a porn addict, but I think that label is a bit much. I could go for up to a year with looking at porn. But when I did, it would be for hours. And then not again for weeks or months; however, when life felt overwhelming, porn was a drug of choice. It gave me something food can’t, regardless of it’s counterfeit nature.

I never justified my porn binges. (And despite the mixed messages from the scientific community, porn is a soul killing enterprise for everyone involved, the actors, the production crew, and the viewers. And we are becoming increasingly aware of how often the actors are victims of human trafficking.) Never once did I finish and go about my life as normal. Attached to it was the guilty and shame us religious folk feel when we know we did a uh-oh. 

Whenever I watched porn, I was in a mental and emotional hell. My self-esteem was low. And porn was just the right amount of disgusting to prove the central thesis of my life “I AM A PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT.” It was a weird way to confirm this belief. “I am a loser. Guess I’ll watch porn. See! You watch porn, so you must be a loser.” 

Fast forward to September, the Year of our Lord 2020, and I can’t remember the last time I watched porn. Some time early last year, 2019? Potentially close to 18 months ago? It’s a sign of something the Lord is doing in my chest. And instead of pride, I feel gratitude in my heart.  

I can’t speak for anyone else, but porn was always a symptom of deeper flaws in my heart, never the flaw itself. And while I haven’t watched porn in a long time, I have felt slight pulls to return to it every month or so, when my guard is down, and my self-pity rises. Fortunately, I now recognize this temptation as the signs it is. If I feel tempted to watch porn, I know I’m not doing well. So I enact my self-pity escape plan- pray, go for a walk, text some friends, and sit before the Lord until it passes. (I don’t f-ck around with self-pity. It leads to everything nasty and self-destructive in my life.) 

More recently, I’ve begun to feel victorious over porn, as in I will not struggle with it again. It is part of the fruit of the Lord in my life. Like I said above, it’s not pride. It’s confidence. I know if I continue intentionally walk with Jesus, the self-hating, needy Nik has got to die. In its place, growing even now, is the me I always wanted to be. 

Lord, thank you. I always hated porn, hate that watched it, and hated how it gave me brief moments of pleasure. Thank you for giving me something far greater than an ability to avoid sin and temptation. You’ve given me life and purpose and peace. You’ve given me tools to use and people to lean on. You took my sad heart and broken mind and gave me your heart and your mind. 

Lord I ask for your grace and love to coat this planet. Strike the heart of every man and woman and child. Give them eyes to see your glory, and ear to hear your voice, and a brain to receive your blessings. 

Amen. 

DJ: #52 Choice is My Super Power

The last time I stepped on a scale I weighed 231 pounds. Officially, it marks a loss a 74 pounds from 305 pounds. (I think I weighed closer to 310 at some point, but I’ll never know what my highest weight was.) I was stoked when I saw the number. Every pound lost, no matter how long it takes to fall, represents the the fruit of the decision I made and my commitment to my decision. 

Should you wonder, my commitment isn’t to a particular diet or exercise program. I am one of those people who used food as a drug to drown my shame and self-hatred. The choice I made was to love myself as my Father loves me- to accept myself as is, to be kind and gracious when I need it, and to affirm myself so I don’t live off others. 

This morning I thought about humanity, how we have this gift we labeled choice. Each of us has the ability to wake up and be something different than we were the day before. All of hell may raise within us, try to drag us back to our prisons, but everyday is a day to be whatever we want to be. 

Should I need to say it, I will. I am not referring to the unrealistic mantra of our age “You can do anything to set your mind to do.” That’s a load of bullshit. It sets people up for failure and disappointment. I cannot now or ever play in the NBA. It was never on the table. 

What I am focused on is the how we live. Do we believe the glass is half full? With more on the way? Do we believe in ourselves? Life is full of an infinite amount of variables beyond our control: who are parents are, our DNA, where we were born, etc. And we, in and of ourselves, have a small impact on our world. Most of us will live and die in relative obscurity. So what? All the better to live and take chances, never accept you are defeated. I’ve been overweight my entire life. And I know deep in my bones, those days are coming to an end. Permanently. 

I don’t know how smart I am (really), or wise, or kind, or loving, or peaceful, creative, manly, etc. Who does? But I do have the ability to choose, to decide how I will live my life with the Lord and in relationship to those around me. 

I choose to live in the Sun. To be eternally hopeful and push on toward whatever greatness I am capable of beholding. 

What a gift. What a power. 

DJ: #51 The Expressed Me, Confident or Insecure?

If you believe in such modern who-hacky, I am a two on the Enneagram. It means I can love and want to help people, but when I’m unhealthy I can turn to people pleasing. I become needy and insecure. 

When I finally read books about the Enneagram, I knew I didn’t need to read past two. And fortunately, I’m not an immature two. I’ve progressed along the scale toward the healthy expression of who I am over the last ten years, with a sharp upgrade this summer. 

The best version of me- the person I long to be- is truly selfless, confident, empathetic, and personally detached. I use the word detached because throughout my life I judged my self-worth by those around me. I needed to produce change and affect the people around me. I needed their praise. It’s a cup with a hole at the bottom, never full. 

What I notice now is my efforts to be selfless, confident, and empathetic can and sometimes are unrecognized. (Really? If my roommate doesn’t say ‘thank you’ when I take out the trash, did I even do it? HAHAHAHAHAH. I was never that bad. I take out the trash cause it needs done, but you get the point.) When I’m healthy, I don’t even think about it. When I’m needy and insecure, I do. 

Such is being an imperfect human. 

This morning I was locked in a small skirmish with my insecurity. I felt a need to be seen as successful. AND I HATE THAT NEEDY FEELING. It’s so disgusting, and weak. 

As I finished my prayers I saw myself as having two faces. One was the old insecure sonofabitch, and the other was younger more self assured, still growing. I don’t expect to have all my insecurity rooted out any time soon. But I do expect to continue to grow into myself. I’m in process and I’ve submitted to the One in charge of my transformation. 

I expect to have many more battles with my need to be validated. It’s ok. I’ve got a winning streak going against that bastard, and I’m gonna continue to win until his needy ass stops coming around. I am enjoying the spoils of my victories as well, true gratitude, less anxiety, less control, being present. AND…I find less disappointment in the humans around me, because I am not making an unspoken contract with them- my kindness for their validation. 

There exists a bit of irony here, in this blog. Everyday I show up to write and post. And my motivations, at times, have been mixed. My truest heart is to show people the loving Jesus, everyday. I want to write about how He loves me, and them, and how life-giving it is. That’s all I really want. And yet, a lingering desire to write well, to be seen as smart and intelligent exists. Weeds growing with the wheat. 

Again, such is being an imperfect human. 

Part of my healing and growth comes through self-love. I never expected it to be so, but there it is. My daily confessions and positive affirmations are rewiring my brain. And as I wrote in a previous blog, the compliments of others barely register in my ego. I’m thankful for them,  but they are no longer fuel. They are no longer needed. 

The best fruit is my ability to step out into the undeveloped parts of my heart, to been seen as a fool, or untalented, or unskilled, to show up everyday as me regardless of the outcome or feedback. 

Sweet Jesus, thank you for all the seeds you planted in me. Thank you for watering my soil and remaining patient with me. Please continue to pull the weeds of self-doubt and neediness out of my chest. 

I don’t need to proof anything to anyone. I do not need to be seen by anyone. I am loved and valued, because I am alive. No matter what.  

DJ: #50 A New Routine

This morning I woke up to an email from a client. An ad I created for their business was rejected by Facebook for violating the “Personal Attribute Policy.” After nearly an hour of wrangling, the ad is still in review as of this post. Facebook has tightened their controls to a ridiculous degree, and it is affecting small businesses. They are literally dictating the wording I use…for a local gardening business. A garden business. People trying to help the community get the most out of their home gardens. 

Stupid. 

I was annoyed. I’m just a man trying to help his clients grow and create business. And, like it or not, Facebook has become an integral part of small business growth. I don’t like it. Facebook can make decisions, like a government, and the rest of us have to adjust. It is what is. 

I say I was annoyed, because after wrestling with the beast, I chose a different path. I got up, walked outside, and let my frustration out into the wind. The wind can have it. I don’t need or want it. I can’t control Facebook, and I’m doing the best I can. It is what it is. No need to carry it around all day. 

In the past, I was tripped and defeated by moments like this. A tiny hurdle could send me into a spiral of self-doubt. Not today Satan. 

I haven’t failed, and my life isn’t tied to the moment. This simple change in perspective is powerful. I’m not angry or worried about my future. I’m not worried about the client, partially because I know everything and everyone is going to be OK. My future doesn’t hinge on a single event. 

Thank you Lord for sticking with me. For teaching me to let go. Thank you for giving me vision for how to love myself when the winds howl in my face. Even to giggle at their failure. 

DJ: #49 Moving On, In Hope

It was the disconnect I wanted and needed ever since May 31st. Last night, I finally let her go. I finally released what was, and settled into the truth of my existence. I trust Jesus. This trust, a hope, empowers me to believe the best is ahead, not behind. 

I feel a bit like Abraham, laying my promise on the altar to be sacrificed. Thankfully, I know about Abraham, and Esther, and Job, and Jesus, and Paul. The promises of God are better than what we can imagine. He provides a way when we let Him work. 

Overall, I’m relieved to create a space for pure friendship with her. No expectations. No personal hopes. Something new for both of us. And if something were to develop, I wouldn’t shoot it down. But I am not going back to what we had. It was special and sweet, and incredibly flawed. Neither of us lived from our hearts. I ignored myself and got sick. But…also, some really powerful seeds sprouted too. So who knows what could happen? 

She remains, and probably will always be, one of the best people I’ll ever know. I have nothing but gratitude for her. Even now. She carries the room to a higher place, has little tolerance for cynicism, and desperately longs to walk in the love and grace of the Holy Spirit. She does all that without being condescending or weird. (And yes, she is flawed. A gift I gave myself when I first met her was I never idealized her. But her greatness will always outweigh her weaknesses.) I could go on and on about what I like about this woman, obviously. Her awesomeness was not dependent on my opinion(or anyone’s opinion, or her opinion), it’s inherent in who she is. 

As of today and onward, my faith roots are growing deeper in the Lord. She set a new standard for what I expect from a girlfriend in my life, and my expectations are higher for the future, from who ever I date and from myself. It feels good to know I’m not going backwards. I’m not laying something down to settle for less. God is so good. 

DJ: #48 Old Friends

Yesterday was the day after my birthday. Forty years of life, plus one day. In the evening, I went to Freedom Park in Charlotte to meet up with some old friends: a sound engineer, a singer/song writer, a screen writer/director, and a producer. We sat on the grass across from the amphitheater and talked like old friends do as the daylight dwindled. It was as if no time or distance separated us from one another. We spent hours going over our thoughts on the coming election, COVID-19, and our families. My heart was full and grateful being in the moment. 

Upon reflection, one thing was missing, one old friend: my insecurity. Usually, in any similar setting, I am consumed by the overwhelming need to prove myself, to prove I’ve got my shit together. Last night I was content to listen, content to be between career paths, and content to speak confidently when asked a question. 

This morning, I felt loved. Like truly loved. And it is a healthy feeling. I say healthy because I’m not chasing an emotional high. In fact, I never really felt an emotional high. All the same, today I realized those guys, men I’ve known for 20 years, never gave a shit about what I did for work or my social status. 

Here is the straight truth: I cared about my social status. I cared about my job, my relationship status, my waistline, and social standing. So I projected my insecurity onto them. Conversely, I couldn’t receive what they gave because I didn’t trust it. How can anyone value me? I’m a piece of shit. I believed they were either fooled or trying to con me. If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t be this way, or what are you trying to get from me?

God is good folks. He cares about the way we see ourselves. He patiently walked with me for the last twenty years to get me to this point, the point where I’m not an insecure emotional wreck. It feels good to fully let go of judgement and comparison, to focus on being Nik- a man with nothing to prove. 

Lord, thanks for my friends. My true friends. Thank you for their love and kindness through the years. Bless them and their wives, and families. Pour out your love and grace on their hearts. Draw them closer to your center. 

Amen.

DJ: #46, Redemption is Sweet

Yesterday I was a bit overwhelmed. Some of it was exhaustion and some of it is being back in the South. In review, I think I had a momentary anxiety attack, but I battled back. Having an anxiety attack is life. They happen. What I will not do is live in a state of anxiety. Anxiety is only the manifestation of something, and whatever that something is, I will face and fight. Every time. 

This morning I woke up with a question. How do I be myself in this place? How do I thrive here? It’s an important question because being the South is usually a white-knuckle emotional hell. I try to hang on till I land back in California. The odd thing is my parents, family, and friends are great. Truly. It’s not like a have a ton of awful memories from recent visits. 

My snag is my life, my past, when I was a Southerner. I associate the South with a painful past, one filled with humiliation, death, rejection, self-inflicted addictions, horrid life choices, and buckets of shame. Add to it, how much I’ve changed. I am not the same cynical sad sack I was ten years ago. I am a man, a grown ass confident man. Yet, the South in my view is largely still the South. I feel transported back to my shitty past when I step off the plane and the humidity kisses my face, “Welcome back old friend, remember when that person embarrassed you? You’re still not good enough.” 

Back to this morning. 

The question I asked myself- how do I be myself in the place?- was a product of a choice I made. I can no longer act helpless every time I come for a visit. I want to enjoy my time here. So I choose to enjoy my time here. I’m gonna get the most out it. 

The obvious answer to the question is be me. Be the same Nik I am in California. Go for walks. Spend time with Jesus. Refuse to enter into cynical conversations and look for joy where ever it can be found. Most of all, be vulnerable, laugh, and love.

Long walks or hikes are a daily thing in my life. I consider them essential. And in order to be me, I chose to go for a hike in a South Carolina state park near my parents house. As a kid I visited this park few days a year and usually stuck to the playground and sheltered areas. I didn’t think to explore the rest of the park. Today was different. 

Today I decided to hike the three and a half mile loop around the perimeter of the park (it’s a small park as most East Coast state parks tend to be.) At the start I was still battling cynicism. The trail head and first half mile were what I expected from a walk in the woods in the Sandhills, lots of loblolly pines and sand. Yes, sand. No. We are not near a beach, unless you consider 113 miles near. I’m not a fan of the sand or the pines. Pine tree forest are known as ecological desert compared to broad leaf hardwood forests. This is the South Carolina I know.

But, onward I went.

Quickly the landscape began to change. The pines thinned out. Streams and creeks began to appear on both sides of the trail. And beautiful oaks, tupelos, and hickories dominated the forest. It was beautiful, and a completely new experience in an old, familiar place. It was a new kind of redemption and I wanted more. 

My prayer took a turn toward Columbia, and the South in general. (How much f-cking pain can a person store? LOLOLOL) I began to release all the sorrow and wounds still haunting me. I let go of it all. After some tears and some laughs, I looked up. What I could see somehow looked completely different. The colors of the landscape were vivid. The air was lighter. Even the pines and sand were no longer drab. 

That’s the redemption power of Jesus folks. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is beyond redemption and restoration. It’s sweet. 

DJ: #44 Slipping into the Sacred

I did not expect for the process of writing poems to produce such a stir in my heart. Two days ago I wrote about my fears in relation to writing, specifically poetry. Unpredictably, it led to facing my arrogance and pride. Yesterday, I wrote about the death of my Uncle Todd and the impact it made on three year-old me. It ruined my day a bit. In a good way.

By the time I was ten, death was a normal part of life. I attended so many funerals they lost any personal sting. By twenty, I stopped going to death related ceremonies altogether. Why? Because of the pain on display.  The dead person didn’t bother me as much as the anguish of the living people mourning the deceased. Perfect example, my aforementioned Uncle Todd. I didn’t know him, can’t ever remember meeting him. My pain was for my father*. And yesterday was the first time I addressed the subject with the Lord. 

As I wrote my poem yesterday, I didn’t know where or how it would end. I examined the usual desire to go back and fix it, which is a hopeless position to take. It’s like being on the other side of soundproof glass. We can bang and pound, scream and holler. No one is listening. So I waited. Lord, help. And then, on cue, I saw the end. 

In my mind was three year-old me, and I asked, “what would that little boy tell me?” Unexpectedly, the little boy looked directly into my eyes and smiled. Then he repeated back to me everything I wanted to tell him. 

It was a powerful moment as I sat in my office chair, head buried in my hands, sobbing. I felt something drop off my mind, a weight I didn’t know was there. It’s very possible whatever took place is deeper than I realize. 

For starters, I have no idea what it’s like to live life without thinking of others first, their well being, their happiness. I’m not trying to get away from it either. Part of a balanced life and walk with Jesus is loving my family, friends, community, neighbors, and enemies. The burden has always been the need to fix other people’s pain. I slung that yoke over my shoulder at three years of age, and never let it go. Until recently. There’s a Great force at work.

If you read this blog, you will read about my journey further into the center of God, but now I feel as though I’m being drawn into it. I suppose I could stop the momentum, jump off the tracks. But why would I? All of the weight of expectations is gone. The need for perfection? Destroyed. Having a grand plan for the future? Yeah, f-ck that. 

My biggest problem now is being present, being me in the moment. I still find I drift into the future, where everything is awesome.  I know the trap all too well, escape into the future to avoid the present. Thing is, I’m not trying to escape the present. Drifting into the future is an old practice. Some old practices take time to whither and die. I now have more grace for myself than ever. I no longer see a need to constantly criticize my actions or get worked up over mistakes.

Every day I wake up and choose Jesus is a day I walk away from all I was. It’s scary and exhilarating. Each day I notice a part of me die a little more. One salient example is my desire to smoke weed. I haven’t smoke in ages, yet I’ve maintained I probably would, in the future. This month I observed a shift in my attitude toward puffing the green dragon. I no longer have a desire for it or be around it. Where did that come from? Not sure. I can’t say what’s changed, I just know something changed**. 

I am separating from what I was. 

The internet is not in agreement on how to define the word sacred, so I came up with my own: devoted and separated into the Lord. It’s what I feel is happening to me. Day-to-day, in the moment, life is slow and unyielding. But when I step back, sit on the mountain with Him, I can see my steps took a sharp turn up the path. The only way up the path is through determined devotion, and it is not part of the main stream. Even in the Christian world. 

*I’d say I’ve only truly grieved the death of three or four people, on a personal level. As deep a thinker and feeler as I am, the certainty of death is never something I put to God. Which I’d like to explore at another time. 

**I have absolutely no qualms with anyone using marijuana. Zero. (It needed to be said.)