DJ: #53 No More Porn

I don’t know where to begin to compare my porn-watching habits to the next person’s. I once described myself as a porn addict, but I think that label is a bit much. I could go for up to a year with looking at porn. But when I did, it would be for hours. And then not again for weeks or months; however, when life felt overwhelming, porn was a drug of choice. It gave me something food can’t, regardless of it’s counterfeit nature.

I never justified my porn binges. (And despite the mixed messages from the scientific community, porn is a soul killing enterprise for everyone involved, the actors, the production crew, and the viewers. And we are becoming increasingly aware of how often the actors are victims of human trafficking.) Never once did I finish and go about my life as normal. Attached to it was the guilty and shame us religious folk feel when we know we did a uh-oh. 

Whenever I watched porn, I was in a mental and emotional hell. My self-esteem was low. And porn was just the right amount of disgusting to prove the central thesis of my life “I AM A PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT.” It was a weird way to confirm this belief. “I am a loser. Guess I’ll watch porn. See! You watch porn, so you must be a loser.” 

Fast forward to September, the Year of our Lord 2020, and I can’t remember the last time I watched porn. Some time early last year, 2019? Potentially close to 18 months ago? It’s a sign of something the Lord is doing in my chest. And instead of pride, I feel gratitude in my heart.  

I can’t speak for anyone else, but porn was always a symptom of deeper flaws in my heart, never the flaw itself. And while I haven’t watched porn in a long time, I have felt slight pulls to return to it every month or so, when my guard is down, and my self-pity rises. Fortunately, I now recognize this temptation as the signs it is. If I feel tempted to watch porn, I know I’m not doing well. So I enact my self-pity escape plan- pray, go for a walk, text some friends, and sit before the Lord until it passes. (I don’t f-ck around with self-pity. It leads to everything nasty and self-destructive in my life.) 

More recently, I’ve begun to feel victorious over porn, as in I will not struggle with it again. It is part of the fruit of the Lord in my life. Like I said above, it’s not pride. It’s confidence. I know if I continue intentionally walk with Jesus, the self-hating, needy Nik has got to die. In its place, growing even now, is the me I always wanted to be. 

Lord, thank you. I always hated porn, hate that watched it, and hated how it gave me brief moments of pleasure. Thank you for giving me something far greater than an ability to avoid sin and temptation. You’ve given me life and purpose and peace. You’ve given me tools to use and people to lean on. You took my sad heart and broken mind and gave me your heart and your mind. 

Lord I ask for your grace and love to coat this planet. Strike the heart of every man and woman and child. Give them eyes to see your glory, and ear to hear your voice, and a brain to receive your blessings. 

Amen.