DJ: #48 Old Friends
Yesterday was the day after my birthday. Forty years of life, plus one day. In the evening, I went to Freedom Park in Charlotte to meet up with some old friends: a sound engineer, a singer/song writer, a screen writer/director, and a producer. We sat on the grass across from the amphitheater and talked like old friends do as the daylight dwindled. It was as if no time or distance separated us from one another. We spent hours going over our thoughts on the coming election, COVID-19, and our families. My heart was full and grateful being in the moment.
Upon reflection, one thing was missing, one old friend: my insecurity. Usually, in any similar setting, I am consumed by the overwhelming need to prove myself, to prove I’ve got my shit together. Last night I was content to listen, content to be between career paths, and content to speak confidently when asked a question.
This morning, I felt loved. Like truly loved. And it is a healthy feeling. I say healthy because I’m not chasing an emotional high. In fact, I never really felt an emotional high. All the same, today I realized those guys, men I’ve known for 20 years, never gave a shit about what I did for work or my social status.
Here is the straight truth: I cared about my social status. I cared about my job, my relationship status, my waistline, and social standing. So I projected my insecurity onto them. Conversely, I couldn’t receive what they gave because I didn’t trust it. How can anyone value me? I’m a piece of shit. I believed they were either fooled or trying to con me. If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t be this way, or what are you trying to get from me?
God is good folks. He cares about the way we see ourselves. He patiently walked with me for the last twenty years to get me to this point, the point where I’m not an insecure emotional wreck. It feels good to fully let go of judgement and comparison, to focus on being Nik- a man with nothing to prove.
Lord, thanks for my friends. My true friends. Thank you for their love and kindness through the years. Bless them and their wives, and families. Pour out your love and grace on their hearts. Draw them closer to your center.
Amen.
