DJ: #44 Slipping into the Sacred
I did not expect for the process of writing poems to produce such a stir in my heart. Two days ago I wrote about my fears in relation to writing, specifically poetry. Unpredictably, it led to facing my arrogance and pride. Yesterday, I wrote about the death of my Uncle Todd and the impact it made on three year-old me. It ruined my day a bit. In a good way.
By the time I was ten, death was a normal part of life. I attended so many funerals they lost any personal sting. By twenty, I stopped going to death related ceremonies altogether. Why? Because of the pain on display. The dead person didn’t bother me as much as the anguish of the living people mourning the deceased. Perfect example, my aforementioned Uncle Todd. I didn’t know him, can’t ever remember meeting him. My pain was for my father*. And yesterday was the first time I addressed the subject with the Lord.
As I wrote my poem yesterday, I didn’t know where or how it would end. I examined the usual desire to go back and fix it, which is a hopeless position to take. It’s like being on the other side of soundproof glass. We can bang and pound, scream and holler. No one is listening. So I waited. Lord, help. And then, on cue, I saw the end.
In my mind was three year-old me, and I asked, “what would that little boy tell me?” Unexpectedly, the little boy looked directly into my eyes and smiled. Then he repeated back to me everything I wanted to tell him.
It was a powerful moment as I sat in my office chair, head buried in my hands, sobbing. I felt something drop off my mind, a weight I didn’t know was there. It’s very possible whatever took place is deeper than I realize.
For starters, I have no idea what it’s like to live life without thinking of others first, their well being, their happiness. I’m not trying to get away from it either. Part of a balanced life and walk with Jesus is loving my family, friends, community, neighbors, and enemies. The burden has always been the need to fix other people’s pain. I slung that yoke over my shoulder at three years of age, and never let it go. Until recently. There’s a Great force at work.
If you read this blog, you will read about my journey further into the center of God, but now I feel as though I’m being drawn into it. I suppose I could stop the momentum, jump off the tracks. But why would I? All of the weight of expectations is gone. The need for perfection? Destroyed. Having a grand plan for the future? Yeah, f-ck that.
My biggest problem now is being present, being me in the moment. I still find I drift into the future, where everything is awesome. I know the trap all too well, escape into the future to avoid the present. Thing is, I’m not trying to escape the present. Drifting into the future is an old practice. Some old practices take time to whither and die. I now have more grace for myself than ever. I no longer see a need to constantly criticize my actions or get worked up over mistakes.
Every day I wake up and choose Jesus is a day I walk away from all I was. It’s scary and exhilarating. Each day I notice a part of me die a little more. One salient example is my desire to smoke weed. I haven’t smoke in ages, yet I’ve maintained I probably would, in the future. This month I observed a shift in my attitude toward puffing the green dragon. I no longer have a desire for it or be around it. Where did that come from? Not sure. I can’t say what’s changed, I just know something changed**.
I am separating from what I was.
The internet is not in agreement on how to define the word sacred, so I came up with my own: devoted and separated into the Lord. It’s what I feel is happening to me. Day-to-day, in the moment, life is slow and unyielding. But when I step back, sit on the mountain with Him, I can see my steps took a sharp turn up the path. The only way up the path is through determined devotion, and it is not part of the main stream. Even in the Christian world.
*I’d say I’ve only truly grieved the death of three or four people, on a personal level. As deep a thinker and feeler as I am, the certainty of death is never something I put to God. Which I’d like to explore at another time.
**I have absolutely no qualms with anyone using marijuana. Zero. (It needed to be said.)
