Journal: #252 Celebrate Victories

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Yesterday was the first “good” day since…January? I’m not sure. And by good I mean to say a day where I felt good about me and my life. I still battled some anxiety and sadness, but only in small bouts. This morning I woke up in a bit of a funk, but quickly snapped out of it during my morning walk at Lima Ranch. I like the direction I’m headed in life, and look forward to the summer months to come. My heart feels relieved and eager to move into this next season.

As I reflect on the last five months, I feel as though I cleared a significant test of my heart and mind. On the heels of last summer’s heart ache, I was highly motivated to shed my chains of fear and self-doubt. The Lord opened up my world, and I found a certain ease in the uncertainty. As summer churned into autumn, my motivation began to slip, as the path ahead of me began to form. In my heart, I knew this decline in optimism would happen. Most new ventures are curbed by reality. Still, I pushed through. Winter held the cruelest gifts, and my only goal was to continue to show up- to seek Jesus everyday.

So now, as Spring blossoms, I reap the fruit of my labor. I have beheld the goodness of God in every season, and it is my joy to confirm Matthew 6:33 is more than bullshit words from a dead philosopher. The promises of Jesus- the Messiah- are truth. I have fought through shame, sorrow, depression, anxiety, apathy, anger, arrogance, pride, distraction, and lies to seek first the Kingdom. If I could tell the world anything, I would parrot what the Lord told Peter, James, and John in Matthew 17:

4 Peter broke in, “Master, this is a great moment! What would you think if I built three memorials here on the mountain—one for you, one for Moses, one for Elijah?”

5 While he was going on like this, babbling, a light-radiant cloud enveloped them, and sounding from deep in the cloud a voice: “This is my Son [Jesus God], marked by my love, focus of my delight. Listen to him [His promises are real].”

(The Message)

I’m glad to be where I am today. The last ten months tested my faith and determination, and I expect more the same in the future. For today, I will celebrate this victory. I felt knocked off my mountain, but I put my trust in the Lord to lead my back to the summit. As Jesus said, the Lord did. That’s the greatness of a true and living God.

Show up. It’s worth it.

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DJ: #44 Slipping into the Sacred

I did not expect for the process of writing poems to produce such a stir in my heart. Two days ago I wrote about my fears in relation to writing, specifically poetry. Unpredictably, it led to facing my arrogance and pride. Yesterday, I wrote about the death of my Uncle Todd and the impact it made on three year-old me. It ruined my day a bit. In a good way.

By the time I was ten, death was a normal part of life. I attended so many funerals they lost any personal sting. By twenty, I stopped going to death related ceremonies altogether. Why? Because of the pain on display.  The dead person didn’t bother me as much as the anguish of the living people mourning the deceased. Perfect example, my aforementioned Uncle Todd. I didn’t know him, can’t ever remember meeting him. My pain was for my father*. And yesterday was the first time I addressed the subject with the Lord. 

As I wrote my poem yesterday, I didn’t know where or how it would end. I examined the usual desire to go back and fix it, which is a hopeless position to take. It’s like being on the other side of soundproof glass. We can bang and pound, scream and holler. No one is listening. So I waited. Lord, help. And then, on cue, I saw the end. 

In my mind was three year-old me, and I asked, “what would that little boy tell me?” Unexpectedly, the little boy looked directly into my eyes and smiled. Then he repeated back to me everything I wanted to tell him. 

It was a powerful moment as I sat in my office chair, head buried in my hands, sobbing. I felt something drop off my mind, a weight I didn’t know was there. It’s very possible whatever took place is deeper than I realize. 

For starters, I have no idea what it’s like to live life without thinking of others first, their well being, their happiness. I’m not trying to get away from it either. Part of a balanced life and walk with Jesus is loving my family, friends, community, neighbors, and enemies. The burden has always been the need to fix other people’s pain. I slung that yoke over my shoulder at three years of age, and never let it go. Until recently. There’s a Great force at work.

If you read this blog, you will read about my journey further into the center of God, but now I feel as though I’m being drawn into it. I suppose I could stop the momentum, jump off the tracks. But why would I? All of the weight of expectations is gone. The need for perfection? Destroyed. Having a grand plan for the future? Yeah, f-ck that. 

My biggest problem now is being present, being me in the moment. I still find I drift into the future, where everything is awesome.  I know the trap all too well, escape into the future to avoid the present. Thing is, I’m not trying to escape the present. Drifting into the future is an old practice. Some old practices take time to whither and die. I now have more grace for myself than ever. I no longer see a need to constantly criticize my actions or get worked up over mistakes.

Every day I wake up and choose Jesus is a day I walk away from all I was. It’s scary and exhilarating. Each day I notice a part of me die a little more. One salient example is my desire to smoke weed. I haven’t smoke in ages, yet I’ve maintained I probably would, in the future. This month I observed a shift in my attitude toward puffing the green dragon. I no longer have a desire for it or be around it. Where did that come from? Not sure. I can’t say what’s changed, I just know something changed**. 

I am separating from what I was. 

The internet is not in agreement on how to define the word sacred, so I came up with my own: devoted and separated into the Lord. It’s what I feel is happening to me. Day-to-day, in the moment, life is slow and unyielding. But when I step back, sit on the mountain with Him, I can see my steps took a sharp turn up the path. The only way up the path is through determined devotion, and it is not part of the main stream. Even in the Christian world. 

*I’d say I’ve only truly grieved the death of three or four people, on a personal level. As deep a thinker and feeler as I am, the certainty of death is never something I put to God. Which I’d like to explore at another time. 

**I have absolutely no qualms with anyone using marijuana. Zero. (It needed to be said.)