DJ: #46, Redemption is Sweet
Yesterday I was a bit overwhelmed. Some of it was exhaustion and some of it is being back in the South. In review, I think I had a momentary anxiety attack, but I battled back. Having an anxiety attack is life. They happen. What I will not do is live in a state of anxiety. Anxiety is only the manifestation of something, and whatever that something is, I will face and fight. Every time.
This morning I woke up with a question. How do I be myself in this place? How do I thrive here? It’s an important question because being the South is usually a white-knuckle emotional hell. I try to hang on till I land back in California. The odd thing is my parents, family, and friends are great. Truly. It’s not like a have a ton of awful memories from recent visits.
My snag is my life, my past, when I was a Southerner. I associate the South with a painful past, one filled with humiliation, death, rejection, self-inflicted addictions, horrid life choices, and buckets of shame. Add to it, how much I’ve changed. I am not the same cynical sad sack I was ten years ago. I am a man, a grown ass confident man. Yet, the South in my view is largely still the South. I feel transported back to my shitty past when I step off the plane and the humidity kisses my face, “Welcome back old friend, remember when that person embarrassed you? You’re still not good enough.”
Back to this morning.
The question I asked myself- how do I be myself in the place?- was a product of a choice I made. I can no longer act helpless every time I come for a visit. I want to enjoy my time here. So I choose to enjoy my time here. I’m gonna get the most out it.
The obvious answer to the question is be me. Be the same Nik I am in California. Go for walks. Spend time with Jesus. Refuse to enter into cynical conversations and look for joy where ever it can be found. Most of all, be vulnerable, laugh, and love.
Long walks or hikes are a daily thing in my life. I consider them essential. And in order to be me, I chose to go for a hike in a South Carolina state park near my parents house. As a kid I visited this park few days a year and usually stuck to the playground and sheltered areas. I didn’t think to explore the rest of the park. Today was different.
Today I decided to hike the three and a half mile loop around the perimeter of the park (it’s a small park as most East Coast state parks tend to be.) At the start I was still battling cynicism. The trail head and first half mile were what I expected from a walk in the woods in the Sandhills, lots of loblolly pines and sand. Yes, sand. No. We are not near a beach, unless you consider 113 miles near. I’m not a fan of the sand or the pines. Pine tree forest are known as ecological desert compared to broad leaf hardwood forests. This is the South Carolina I know.
But, onward I went.
Quickly the landscape began to change. The pines thinned out. Streams and creeks began to appear on both sides of the trail. And beautiful oaks, tupelos, and hickories dominated the forest. It was beautiful, and a completely new experience in an old, familiar place. It was a new kind of redemption and I wanted more.
My prayer took a turn toward Columbia, and the South in general. (How much f-cking pain can a person store? LOLOLOL) I began to release all the sorrow and wounds still haunting me. I let go of it all. After some tears and some laughs, I looked up. What I could see somehow looked completely different. The colors of the landscape were vivid. The air was lighter. Even the pines and sand were no longer drab.
That’s the redemption power of Jesus folks. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is beyond redemption and restoration. It’s sweet.
