DJ: #45 Tired and Raw.

“You look awesome,” she said. “You seem like a completely different person,” she continued. With a smile on her face and tears in eyes, my mother landed one final blow,”It’s great to see you.” I could barely hold on to my emotions and strained to finish lunch. 

I traveled more than three thousand miles in under ten hours to surprise my parents with a visit. The trip included a two hour drive to an airport, two flights, and a rental car. The last hour I felt my excitement rise the closer I got to their house. I love my parents and consider myself lucky to have a healthy relationship with both. I couldn’t wait to hug them and be face to face, no technology necessary. 

All I wanted was to melt into their world for a few days. Enjoy them, and my east coast friends. But as my mother spoke her words of affirmation, I could only think of one person. Why? Why now? Frustration began to complicate the moment. I quickly left the table to take a shower, to rinse the jet fumes and shame down the drain. 

For a brief moment, I felt as though was I back to a former being. But that’s not true. Today I was able to distance myself from the sadness without condemnation. I am not weak. I am not stuck. I am not a sad sack.

I AM STRONG. I CHOOSE TO LOVE AND LIVE FROM MY HEART. I ACCEPT SADNESS AND PAIN AS PART OF LIFE. JESUS HAS HEART IN HIS HANDS AND NOTHING WILL SEPARATE ME FROM HIS LOVE. AND I LOVE ME!

So yeah, for a few minutes I felt like shit, and then felt like more shit for feeling like shit. But I’m not shit. 

I’m amazing. I was amazing then, and I’m amazing now. I’ll be amazing tomorrow. And hopefully with a good night of sleep. 

Holy Spirit, I accept your will for my life today. I accept your peace and your grace and your joy. (ha! just typing the word!) I lay down my hurt and my sadness. I lay down my defenses. I let the waves pass over me. You are the breath in my lungs and the blood in my veins. I love you now and forever. 

Amen.