Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 8/18/21 Nik Curfman 8/18/21

Vol II: #17 Too Tired :)

Not a real post today. I promised a discussion about romantic relationships, but I’m drained after a long day. Since it’s my blog, I don’t feel any guilt for breaking my vow. Friday will work too.

I have a great blog for today, but it will wait until Friday. Today was a long- but ultimately successful- day. My brain is exhausted, and I’m ready to fall asleep. A comfy bed awaits me. Catch you tomorrow.

Nik Curfman 5/23/21 Nik Curfman 5/23/21

Journal: #287 Lessons From EZ Company

I’ll end this short post with this: Just like EZ Company, I am weary and disheartened. But sooner or later, I’ve got to drive the enemy from the next town. And I’m the only one qualified to do it. I’m the toughest bastard in my life, and I know I’ll win.

There’s a scene in Band of Brothers, during Easy Company the Battle of Bulge, when the soldiers debate their next step. Some of the men hoped to be taken off the front, while others knew better. As Bill Guarnere put it, “See that town[Foy] over there? It’s full of people called Germans. And guess who they are gonna want to go knocking on the goddamn front door?” It turns out Wild Bill was right. After taking heavy casualties holding the line, Easy Company received the order to storm Foy, just north of Bastogne. The men were weary and cold. They were also the toughest bastards in Europe. Of course, they were asked to take Foy, which they did.

I think about that scene and the very real moment it portrays. The troops in the Easy Company of the 101st Airbourne were battered and broken. The Battle of the Bulge took out half the company. Then, they marched forward. Feels a lot like life. The next day comes, no matter what we do to delay or postpone it. It’s how my life feels today. I’m fighting fear and insecurity. And, there’s no rest. Tomorrow, I will march into the next engagement, whatever it is. Thankfully, I’m not battling well-trained German soldiers. I’m fighting me and all the bullshit between me and my destiny.

Thanks be to God.

Nik Curfman 4/22/21 Nik Curfman 4/22/21

Journal: #263 Writing Every Day Is A Helluva Goal

This writing everyday goal is a helluva challenge. In talking to my author friend in Sacramento two weeks ago, her eyes grew three sizes when I told her how often I write. I realized it’s not normal. Adding together my blog posts, handwritten journaling, and poems, I’m on pace to write over 200,000 words. It’s enough to fill two large novels.

I don’t have much in the tank today, and not because I’m overwhelmed. Today was a good day. The weather was cool for South Carolina in late April. I enjoyed my strolls more than normal as a result. Work went well. And, I got to spend some quality time with my parents. Also, and this is an important point, I don’t feel anxious, afraid, or guilty. It’s nice.

When I began this quest to blog every day I couldn’t comprehend the demands needed to finish the task. I started with a simple Tumblr blog and a desire to express myself. I still want to express myself. I haven’t lost my voice, but on days such as this- I’m at a loss for words. I’m ok with it. Come July, I’m going to make some changes in line with my goals for year two. As of now, I’ll continue to grind and hone my new craft, whether I have the words or not.

Nik Curfman 2/5/21 Nik Curfman 2/5/21

Journal: #197 I Have Not Yet Begun To Fight

It’s a perfect way to end this imperfect day. That’s no complaint. I’m not mad at today. I’m not even mad about my deleted post. I’ll write and post it tomorrow. It’s that whatever energy I had to fight such a disappointing moment is gone. It is what it is.

I had it 80% finished, the post about my break through yesterday. It was going to be great for me to publish. And yet, technology being what it is, I hit the wrong button. 90 minutes of work and research vanished into the digital void. Just like that.

Such is life.

Today, was another slobberfest, by the way. I encountered more tears and sudden outbursts of emotion. Thank God I work from my laptop and have freedom to go for walks at any time.

I took time to enjoy the stars on my late evening stroll tonight. I thought about the the time required for the light from the closest start to reach my eyes. It’s 81,000 years. That’s a really long time. So on a day like today, I’m allowed to be disappointed and upset. Tomorrow will come, and the sun will shine.

I have no yet begun to fight.

Thank you Lord for loving me. It’s the greatest honor.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 8/27/20 Nik Curfman 8/27/20

DJ: #45 Tired and Raw.

“You look awesome,” she said. “You seem like a completely different person,” she continued. With a smile on her face and tears in eyes, my mother landed one final blow,”It’s great to see you.” I could barely hold on to my emotions and strained to finish lunch.

I traveled more than three thousand miles in under ten hours to surprise my parents with a visit. The trip included a two hour drive to an airport, two flights, and a rental car. The last hour I felt my excitement rise the closer I got to their house. I love my parents and consider myself lucky to have a healthy relationship with both. I couldn’t wait to hug them and be face to face, no technology necessary.

All I wanted was to melt into their world for a few days. Enjoy them, and my east coast friends. But as my mother spoke her words of affirmation, I could only think of one person. Why? Why now? Frustration began to complicate the moment. I quickly left the table to take a shower, to rinse the jet fumes and shame down the drain.

For a brief moment, I felt as though was I back to a former being. But that’s not true. Today I was able to distance myself from the sadness without condemnation. I am not weak. I am not stuck. I am not a sad sack.

I AM STRONG. I CHOOSE TO LOVE AND LIVE FROM MY HEART. I ACCEPT SADNESS AND PAIN AS PART OF LIFE. JESUS HAS HEART IN HIS HANDS AND NOTHING WILL SEPARATE ME FROM HIS LOVE. AND I LOVE ME!

So yeah, for a few minutes I felt like shit, and then felt like more shit for feeling like shit. But I’m not shit.

I’m amazing. I was amazing then, and I’m amazing now. I’ll be amazing tomorrow. And hopefully with a good night of sleep.

Holy Spirit, I accept your will for my life today. I accept your peace and your grace and your joy. (ha! just typing the word!) I lay down my hurt and my sadness. I lay down my defenses. I let the waves pass over me. You are the breath in my lungs and the blood in my veins. I love you now and forever.

Amen.