Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 11/22/22 Nik Curfman 11/22/22

Vol III: #41 Push Back

The world has always been a spinning pile of shit, held together by the Lord’s grace and kindness. Every generation and era has seen it’s share of violence, economic failure, and social upheaval. We are not special or different. The people alive in 2022 are every bit as human as the first people. Our technology and relative comfort makes us feel superior, but I assure we are not. Feeling better yet?

The prevailing sentiment of our time is that life is bad, very very bad. Each day the media people bring us a new tragedy. Today it was an earthquake in Indonesia. Last I saw, 250 were confirmed dead with the more to come. Yesterday, we were told about more tech company layoffs. The day before that we witnessed another mass shooting. And lest forget, Russia is still trying to invade Ukraine- the specter of nuclear war lingering. It’s all gloomy and upsetting to anyone with a desire for peace or an ounce of compassion. Those poor people. (Then, of course, we have our personal crises.)

The thing is, so what? The world has always been a spinning pile of shit, held together by the Lord’s grace and kindness. Every generation and era has seen it’s share of violence, economic failure, and social upheaval. We are not special or different. The people alive in 2022 are every bit as human as the first people. Our technology and relative comfort makes us feel superior, but I assure we are not. Feeling better yet?

In all of this I hold onto to two thoughts. One is a declaration and the other a promise. First, the Word says we were created for such a time as this because the Lord has made everything for its own purpose. I think about this concept, a lot. Why was I born in 1980? In America? Raised in the South? By Yankee parents? Either it’s all random chance or purposeful. Secondly, Jesus the Messiah God, promised we will do greater things than these. That’s a wild promise to make for a guy who raised the dead and healed the sick and cast out demons and fed multitudes of people with a few pieces of bread and some fish.

When I look at the world, I weep. There is no hope aside from Jesus. But we- the called who said yes- we made for this moment. We were chosen to shine on the hills and proclaim what we know. It’s a tough job. No point in denying the truth. But we were made for this world at this exact moment in time. Each one of us carries the talents and gifts to walk in peace and love and joy, to contrast a narrative that says life is very very bad. Because, in all honesty, that’s a load of horseshit. Life is a gift and it is amazing.

Happy Tuesday.

Nik Curfman 7/26/21 Nik Curfman 7/26/21

Vol II: #8 Going Fishing

Despite twenty years of romantic frustration, I endure to hope. Even when my mind creates scenes of failure— to temper the dream- my heart refuses to quit. I know relationships are hard, but my chances improve the more hands I play. I know whatever frustration I feel today will melt away when the time comes. One day soon will be the last day I describe myself as single. And, today I am as ready as I’ll ever be. My vision moving forward is no longer obsessed with self-perfection, but fishing.

I, for most of my life, was afraid to set my sails with the wind. I battled insecurity and doubt, unwilling to raise my flag in a declaration of who I was. In a manner of speaking, I wanted to fish but never went fishing. After all, fishing isn’t unique or special. Do you know what else isn’t special? Insecure, people-pleasing, bitch-ass men too scared to blaze the trail set just for them. If I want to be loved for who I am, I best be who I am. All my years of trying to be someone produced nothing, so I have nothing to lose. Literally.

My Old Man recently told me I would “catch fish while I’m catching fish.” We both laughed because the phrase needed no explanation. Good, strong women, want and recognize good, strong men. Conversely, weak men and women find each other like ants on sugar. The stronger I grow, the fewer excuses I make for people. (Grace and kindness are not dependent on worthiness.) If a woman doesn’t text back for five days, I am not required to overcome her communication issues. I’m not an asshole for having healthy expectations. (I have no idea if Ms. Rachel was interested in me, but I know she respects me.)

In a way, I feel like everything in my life is imploring me to walk down the road so clearly under my feet. Yet, these steps have been a bit harder to take. I have stood at this intersection for months now. I say I want to make art and investing a priority, but they remain hobbies. They remain hobbies because I feel like an imposter in both fields. In all fairness to myself, I am an amateur in both fields. But…that’s not the point. This blog and my job in marketing taught me what I can do if I dedicate myself to a task.

Today is the day I dedicate myself to the task of investments and art, and I created a set of ambitious goals for each. Over the next year, until July 26th, 2021, I will draw 330 sketches. This does not include instruction time from my drawing instructor. Second, I will finish my options trading classes by August 6th, and begin to trade options contracts by August 9th. Then from August 9th, 2020 to August 9th, 2021, my goal will be to double my investment fund. These are small steps and I know they’ll lead to big changes. This is me going fishing. God, I hope I catch a fish.

Nik Curfman 6/1/21 Nik Curfman 6/1/21

Abstract: Enjoy The Grind

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed to live without obligations to a wife or children.

I can take risks and change direction midstream.

As I have.

I realize my advantage, and I will honor it.

It seems to me, for the people who love what they do,

they love the grind of the process and as a result the process demands little of them.

It’s not work- they soul-sucking kind—if you enjoy it.

It’s why every single job has someone who is happy and many who are not.

None of us were born to file files, write emails, or organize shelves.

No child has yet to answer “I wanna be a customer service representative for a shitty cable company” when they grow up.

High school kids are not prepared to punch a clock simply to wait for the day to end.

No mid-level manager is thrilled by presentations or report computations.

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed to live without obligations to a wife or children.

I can take risks and change direction midstream.

As I have.

I realize my advantage, and I will honor it.

My task is to find what I will enjoy, even in the grind.

Nik Curfman 5/27/21 Nik Curfman 5/27/21

Journal: #291 Purpose In Our Suffering

Today, I’m still reeling a bit from that download. What do I do with it? I’m not sure. What I have is a greater sense of the Lord, His sovereignty, and grace. Regardless of how my mind tries to fit this new information into my brain, I’m glad the Lord told me. There’s purpose in our suffering if we choose the Lord in the midst of it. (And after.)

I don’t like reading the Old Testament. The Lord is angry, and the people are dumb. From Genesis to Malachi, we read about the “Children of God” and their constant struggle to uphold the commandments handed down to them. Then we have the Psalms, which I find depressing. (Not all of them, of course.) Chapter after chapter is full of lament and shame (not unlike my blog- yes, I’m self-aware.)

Thank God for the Gospel of Matthew. If you’ve ever read through the Bible, everything changed when Jesus arrived. The genocidal God of Abraham and Joshua is gone, replaced by a loving Father. We are reminded of what the most important commandment is:

Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them.” - Matthew 22:37

Jesus, earlier in Matthew, goes beyond this. He also commands us to love our enemies and pray for those who hurt us— a radical idea even now. Altogether we learn love is the answer because that’s how our Father treats us. This concept meshes well with my sense of order and peace. Why can’t we all just get along?

Over the last three years, I largely ignored the Old Testament. As discussed above, it doesn’t suit my idea of God. (And, I hate when people use obscure Old Testament scripture to justify the election of Trump. It’s a manipulation of the highest order, and many Christians bought into it.) Why would He harden Pharaoh’s heart? Up until yesterday, I would’ve argued He didn’t. Then, yesterday happened.

Without going into details, the Lord told me the reason behind some recent events in my life. In particular, He told me about His part in them. The big point being, the Lord hardened some heart around me. His goal was to have me to Himself. The thing is He was sweet and kind. He knew I was finally able to hear it. And He didn’t mince words or pull punches.

I find myself both sad and grateful for a God so loving and kind, he’s willing to hurt my feelings for what’s best for me. It’s the kind of revelation that stops life and shifts my perspective a bit. But, there’s more to it than that. Then the Lord told me why, as in why He kept me for Himself. It’s because my family (in the Great Cloud of Witnesses) asked Him to keep me. They asked the Lord to walk me through the kind of life they would live given the opportunity to live again on Earth*. Again, my mind was blown. Again, I was sad and grateful.

*If you think it’s wacky, cool. I’m not asking for acceptance or preaching this from a podium. This is my life, and I will be honest it how it is lived.

Nik Curfman 3/31/21 Nik Curfman 3/31/21

Journal: #243 Choose You

My conversation today reminded me of me. I was him until last summer. I wish I could show him how he’s taking the long way around the mountain- that he can start to build and grow his dreams today. I wish him success, but I don’t see it. I sincerely hope I’m wrong. If I’m right- in six months- he’ll come calling again. Another business idea he doesn’t love, but believes is more viable than what’s in his heart.

For lunch today, I ate with an old friend. He’s one of the first people I met when I moved to Redding, and remains one of the people I stayed loosely connected to over the my time here. He “started a business” aka joined another MLM/marketing scheme. At this point, I don’t care. Some people make a lot of money working those pyramids, but most do not. I hope he’s one of the few who does.

He came for a lunch visit to discuss how to market his new “business.” I gave him my honest take on MLM companies and how best to go about build his organization. (My biggest problem with MLM’s is the focus on growing the “down-line” aka recruiting people to sell. What ends up happening is the focus becomes recruiting, not selling product. Eventually someone has to sell product. So I told my buddy how to focus on selling product to money-paying customers.) At one point during lunch he had me read a vision statement, which included his why. It was passionate and well-written. My heart broke for him. As far as he’s come, he’s still nibbling at the edges of what the Lord has for him.

No one wants to work in a pyramid scheme, just like no one grows up longing to clean toilets or work the late shift in a customer service call center. We take these jobs because we must, and there’s no shame in it. We’ve got to eat, keep the house warm, and replace old underwear. If we’re lucky we can save a few bucks and plan a vacation. This is life for most Americans. For whatever reason, we stopped pursuing the dreams in our heart. We turned back from our aspirations to service our demands. There’s no shame in hard work, but there is shame if children go hungry.

My friend is guy with a wife, with kids, and mortgage. Running after his dreams isn’t something he thinks is possible right now. He’s doing what we do in this situation. He’s putting his effort into a secondary pursuit. He wants “passive income.” Then one day…when he’s satisfied his fears, he’ll run after that thing. Except that’s not true. More money will lead to more expenses. The only way off the hamster wheel is to jump and never go back. It fear that keeps his feet to fire and afraid of failure.

If you’re reading this, please, pursue what the Lord put inside you to do. You don’t have to quit your job or ignore your commitments. But, for the love of God, you owe yourself and the world. You owe me. The biggest problem in the world isn’t sin or conflict. The biggest problem in the world is it is full of people denying themselves the grace and love required to be the unique creation the Lord made each of us to be. Fear is a sonofabitch. Lies are the worst. When they work together, they keep us tied down in cycles of bullshit and resentment. No one is worthy. It’s not about that. The best lives are lived by those who grab life by the horns and never let go.

Nik Curfman 1/29/21 Nik Curfman 1/29/21

Journal: #190 A Hard Week Leads To Clarity of Purpose

Today, as I scribbled down my what I want as insecurity nagged at my mind, I saw my future. I know my path. As I write this blog, I have no idea how to fulfill my goals and serve my heart. I don’t have to. I just need faith and courage to take a step closer each day.

I woke up in a tired daze this morning, mostly because I haven’t slept well in over a week. I’ve felt locked in a mental and emotional battle to stay above the self-pity and judgements. At times like this I tend to feel like I’m failing and distant from the Lord. Neither is true.

As I rolled out of bed and put my feet on the carpet below, I started to cry. Lord, I feel lost. Instantly He responded,”No, you aren’t. You are not in the fog. You know what you want.”

My instinct was to grab my journal and write down everything I want, the so-called desires of my heart. In fury of pen strokes, I listed everything I discovered about myself over the last eight months. It’s a new list compared to any other list I’ve ever written. I felt a peace and purpose as I wrote.

When I finished, I asked the same question I always ask when I allow myself to dream my dreams. Is this good enough? Is what I want going to be interesting enough for a wife? Countless times in my past in similar moments, I failed myself.

Today, as I scribbled down my what I want and insecurity nagged at my mind, I saw my future. I know my path. As I write this blog, I have no idea how to fulfill my goals and serve my heart. I don’t have to. I just need faith and courage to take a step closer each day.

Did I do that today? Did I take a step close to my dreams? Did I love myself? Yes. I did. This morning, I responded to the Lord. I wrote down what He’s showed me, and I embraced it. I feel like it’s a big deal, even though today was an ordinary day.

Thank you Lord for the power of Your words and gentle nudges. Thank you for cutting through my roadblocks to speak to my heart.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/11/20 Nik Curfman 11/11/20

Abstraction: Die Happy

The world is full of compromised purpose and the resulting self-hatred.

Don’t compromise yourself for someone else’s life.

Fight for yourself as He created you to be.

Go after the dreams He put in your heart.

Die happy.

A life worth living has battles worth fighting, and the satisfaction is in the winning.

The winning might not come in the form of a trophy or public recognition,

Maybe it’s a lesson, knowledge gained, or priceless experience.

Perhaps it’s in the doing, the risk of the choice, and the joy of knowing failure happens only when you quit.

Larger prizes await the brave, this is certain.

Love shared, hearts mended, and the bliss of eternal connection. The tangible realization we are never, ever, alone.

Further still, should we press on toward the more, which blesses others, we discover what it means to lead.

True leadership is when one soul carves through the rock to free the others.

It loves to the last breath,

Lives to believe in the Good beyond good, and the Holy beyond religion.

A life worth living is one worth wanting, and never being satisfied with anything else.

There is joy, love, and triumph on the other side of risk and failure.

You are worth your effort.

The world is full of compromised purpose and the resulting self-hatred.

Don’t compromise yourself for someone else’s life.

Fight for yourself as He created you to be.

Go after the dreams He put in your heart.

Die happy.

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Nik Curfman 10/21/20 Nik Curfman 10/21/20

Daily Journal: #94 Mental Health Day

I am terrible at seeing my progress. Finding flaws? No problem. I am a Jedi master at finding flaws. Progress is bit more difficult to locate. I literally must stop my day and review the gains. Today was a good day for this reason. I got perspective on my progress as a man, and the result is a buffer between me and anxiety.

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I didn’t plan on taking a mental health day today, but I did. I went to my business coach/counselor this morning, and it kinda ruined my day- in the best way. When I got home I ate lunch and rehashed our conversation. Then I re-read and edited all my posts from the last month. (My writing has improved. I’m not Shakespeare, but I am improving.) I basically spent the entire day reviewing the last two months of my life.

Values and Goals

In my session, we talked about goals and the values sets. I know what I value. It’s love. I love to love people. That’s what I want to do with my life. Whenever I’m asked “what do you want to do with your life” my heart responds “I want to love people.” Terrified my brain quickly shits on my heart. I usually blurt some type of more relatable profession. How does one make money “loving people?”

A quick step back and I see a slew of professions related to loving people- counseling, teaching, pastoring, etc. In reality, it is not a hard question to answer. The snag is I do not want to be solely a counselor, a teacher, or pastor. Can’t I be all three? (Not joking.) Moreover, the idea of being a cog in a wheel seems dull. In the professions I mentioned above I notice a certain resigned cynicism among the people in them.

I don’t want what I love to become a life-sucking job. It would be nice to get paid to be me though. That’s my dream.

On Getting Paid to Be Me

A few years ago my dad asked me a simple question, “haven’t you ever had a job you loved?” The answer was, and continues to be, no. My current marketing gig is what it is. I’m thankful for it, and I love the guys I work with at Cultre. Alex and Justin are my brothers. I don’t hate marketing. I just don’t love it. My day is filled with a series of tasks, and very little meaningful human interaction- which is what I crave.

The idea I can craft my values and desires into a job seems like a wild jackass fantasy. For starters, I have no idea how to get paid to be me. My coach told me it's possible, as it is what he did. I’m inclined to believe him. Secondly, I have no idea what I’m offering or what value other people will have for it. What I am confident in is this: I desperately want the jackass fantasy to be true.

Jesus Drinks Patience

One word kept flashing in my mind most of the day: Patience. It’s ironic because I don’t know where I’m going. All I know is I want to get there soon. And why? Because I have a mythical woman I need to impress. (How’s that for honesty?) I’m being as vulnerable as I can when I admit that. In my mind I need to be a full package, not a collection of pieces. I put pressure on myself to have answers, to have my future “figured out.”

I can feel the truth of the moment on my skin. Wherever I am and wherever I’m going is a work in progress. I’ve got to make peace with it. I’ve got to be able to face a woman and tell her- with confidence- this is me. I am mostly poor, loaded with student loan debt, in the midst of a major life shift…and I’m thrilled af about it.

Patience, Nik. The best parts of your life will grow from the seeds watered by patience.

Thank God.

In conclusion, I want to love people and make money while I do it. I believe it’s possible; therefore, I will remain patient in my pursuit of the dream. What a crazy life.