Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 9/6/23 Nik Curfman 9/6/23

Short: Cooler Than This

Cooler Than This, A 21st Century dating story.

“And then she said ‘I thought you were cooler than this.’ “ whimpered Paul through his hands while he held his face.

I shot a glance over at Dave who looked like a confused dog, his head tilted toward his left shoulder, his forehead furrowed in the middle.

“What does that mean? Cooler than what?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I guess she thinks I’m boring.” offered Paul.

My spine lengthened as I sat back in my chair, righteous indignation rising in my thoughts and four letter words on my tongue.

“What are you gonna do?” Dave continued.

“We agreed to have coffee on Thursday at The Roastery.”

Confused, I demanded to know why? Why would he see her again after all she’s put him through since December?

“Bobby told me to fight for her. So that’s what I’m gonna do,” answered Paul.

Hannah and Paul officially met at an ugly sweater Christmas party three months prior. She was petite, with curly shoulder length hair and a button nose though her small stature belied a deep voice and sarcastic tone. They were an odd couple from the start but Paul was desperate for a date. He’d surprised himself by asking her out only moments after meeting her. He preferred to wait until solidly in the friend zone, when defeat was certain, to ask a woman on a date. But he hit it off with Hannah and Bobby was there to encourage the invitation. That night, Paul buzzed into our shared double wide and regaled Dave and me with the good news. We celebrated his victory with beers and pelvic thrusts.

Within weeks of their first date, Paul got a new haircut that he styled just so. And a month later, he brought home shopping bags stuffed with new jeans, a black leather belt, snazzy wool sweaters, and a pair of Chuck Taylors. The makeover was complete. And I admit, he looked handsome in his new clothes and spiffy hair. Still, he didn’t seem to enjoy spending time with Hannah. And when she was invited to dinner at our place, she often made snide comments regarding our board games and stacks of books.

Then, just after Valentine’s Day, and just after Paul made a beautiful risotto with roast duck for the occasion, he came home from a date in tears. Hannah had berated his choice of restaurant. Apparently, cheap tacos and a beer is not a date she told him. In an effort to console Paul, Dave tried to remain diplomatic. I kept quiet. I knew, if I let my anger spill into my words and he ended up marrying this she-beast, I’d never live it down.

Damn it Bobby, I thought as Paul sobbed into his hands. That sonofabitch is never around to see the result. But, I knew. Now was not the time to blame Bobby for what Hannah said to Paul. She was the one who built up my friend in her mind then tore him down, tried to mold him in her own image.

Thankfully, Dave said what needed to be said- which allowed me to keep my peace.

“Ok. You do what you think you need to do. But, I just want to say, that’s not how she should talk to you. Right? You know that?” Dave spoke as lightly as he could, his right hand on Paul’s shoulder, his eyes level with Paul’s tearful eyes. Then Paul sat back in his seat and hung his head, his chin resting on his chest. Dave and I remained still and attentive, waiting for a response. We needed to know. We needed to see or hear Paul acknowledge he deserved more from a partner. And after a silent pause, Paul looked at us, his eyes shifting from my face then to Dave’s. Then he curled his upper lip inside the lower and slowly began to nod his head up and down, almost like a bobber in the water.

Nik Curfman 6/11/22 Nik Curfman 6/11/22

Abstract: Lizards On The Trail

A poem, about lizards and dating.

Two alligator lizards darted through the dried grass beside the trail today,

one after the other.

One in pursuit,

and the other unconvinced.

The larger, more colorful male, his choice made,

followed his desire where ever she turned-

from the rock under the brush,

back over the trail to the yellowing fescue.

Finally, she paused atop a downed oak branch,

and the boy decided this is where he would dance and strut,

like we all do,

to impress his lady.

From my view on the trail,

the poor bastard had done everything a man could to win a champions reward,

but today was not his day.

His love wondered off into the woods,

and he stood on the trail,

exposed and alone, as a constant reminder: it is the pursued who decide the fate of any couple, not the pursuer.

The pursuer has already decided,

took his leap and brought his heart to bear,

hoping she will match his yes.

Nik Curfman 5/30/22 Nik Curfman 5/30/22

Vol II: #73 Simple Dating Rule

I think the best I can do is be honest and forward and myself. And the woman who responds to me, as I am, is the one I should ask out for an afternoon together. Given my penchant for complexity, sometimes it pays to remain simple when it comes to women. Do I want to spend more time with this lady? Yes or no? If yes, then ask for that time. If no, move on.

Dating in 2022 is strange and familiar and complicated. The married, be they happy or miserable, offer their best answer for each new frustration. But the simple truth is no one knows what the hell they’re talking about. In the last 12 months I was told my “picker is broken” and “to take risks” and to be “patient.” I feel a bit like a man trying to hang a painting with the help of my friends. Each person shouts something different and directly opposed to the others, “UP! To the Right…No, Lower. Tilt the corner down! It’s not level.”

Easy enough…right?

Nik Curfman 5/30/22 Nik Curfman 5/30/22

Abstract: Dating Wisdom

A poem, about dating.

Botanists and farmers know the value of good sun and a steady stream of water,

And Roman engineers designed bridges we still use.

And, when you learn to cut an onion, they’ll tell you pull your fingers back from the knife,

and let you knuckles guide the blade as you cut.

My finger tips are proof that this is good instruction.

Our race has learned and passed on the wisdom of each age,

and we, in our time, live under the blessing of this relay system.

Libraries and databases are stacked with what we know or will know,

but the dynamics between a man and woman remain the mystery of our being.

How comical and rude it should be this way,

no set patterns or rules,

and each man must figure it out for himself.

Nik Curfman 7/29/21 Nik Curfman 7/29/21

Abstract: I Promise to be Average

Hey Lady,

Yeah, Hi. My name is Nik.

I am imperfect and will do my average best to show you who I am.

Average? Yes, average.

Why average? Because.

I’m tired of trying “my best.” It never works out.

I’ve given woman after woman my best, and each turned me aside.

My best wasn’t good enough.

Hey Lady,

Yeah, Hi. My name is Nik.

I am imperfect and will do my average best to show you who I am.

Average? Yes, average.

Why average? Because.

I’m tired of trying “my best.” It never works out.

I’ve given woman after woman my best, and each turned me aside.

My best wasn’t good enough.

To my credit, I backed off the last one.

I said, “I don’t know,” when I didn’t have an answer,

and I was willing to look weak and be vulnerable.

I even cried in front of her— without regret.

As for you, you will get my average,

which I am sure sounds terrible.

Who wants average? The very word is offensive.

Don’t we all want the best? Obviously, we do.

Allow me to continue,

I don’t mean I am average.

Far from it.

I promise I won’t put effort into all your interests.

Meaning, I will not try to be Superman,

or look over my mental shoulder to see if you approve of what I like.

Sure, I’ll support you—100%.

But I’m just not going to care about every little thing you believe to be important, cute, or interesting.

That’s not real or sustainable.

You can be boring too.

Oh, I will be boring some days,

And anxious, nervous, distracted,

or moody.

And despite my great love for Jesus,

on occasion, my actions will contradict my Heart.

Trust me. I’ll know it.

You will not need to remind me.

I promise to try,

and sometimes fail.

I promise to misunderstand and take offense.

And I expect the same from you.

But I will try.

I will listen.

And, I will seek you out when a wedge dares form between us.

I promise to walk by your side— without end.

The butterflies are great,

who doesn’t love waves of oxytocin,

flooding through their brain?

I know I do.

However…

When the feelings die,

and we are left with who we are,

It will be my average you can depend on,

to see us through the valleys and dry places.

Nik Curfman 7/19/21 Nik Curfman 7/19/21

Vol II: #5 The Setup…Bonus Content

When I look at the last week concerning Rachel, I find strength in our actions. Whatever Rachel is facing, it was a ballsy move to text a guy four days after his last text. I applaud the courage needed for such a move. And, I like how I handled the situation. I didn’t let my emotions control my responses, and I was kind to everyone involved without backing away from the moment's strain. Is this what healthy conflict looks like? I believe so.

I didn’t anticipate another chapter to the story of The Setup(Part 1), but here we are. You may read Part 2 via this LINK.

Saturday evening, I hauled ten pounds of grilled tri-tip over to a friend’s house for dinner. My friend Gabe, a bald, middle-aged man with a bushy red beard, is set to move to Nashville in August. While I wish he would stay in Redding, it’s what’s best for his family. Gabe and his wife Sara have six children, and California is expensive. They made green beans and mushroom side dishes to accompany the tri-tip, a proper California meal. We stuffed ourselves and talked about what their hopes are for the future.

A few hours later, I said my goodbyes and walked out the front door. On my way to my car, I glanced down at my phone only to discover a text from Rachel*. Yes, Rachel. That Rachel, the one who ghosted me earlier in the week. I was instantly annoyed. “Why did she bother to text me now?” I wondered. I waited until I was safely home to read her text. It was kind yet unapologetic. Rachel acknowledged her communications gaffe and offered to meet me for coffee the next day. A small part of me admired her boldness- to reply days after my last text and to ask me out. A small part of me…

The devil on my shoulder wanted to blast Rachel with my thoughts and feelings regarding her communication style. The Jesus in me knew better. It was not the time to remind a fellow human— and child of God— of her imperfections. My task was to be kind, honest, and gentle. I decided to let her down as easily as possible while being firm and direct.

I told Rachel I appreciated her reply, but the window of interest was closed. Then, I thanked her for the coffee invite and wished her luck. She thanked me for my answer and wished me luck too. All-in-all, I was who I was, and so was Rachel. We weren’t on the same page, and that’s ok. “Onward and upward,” my good friend Blake says.

The next day, Sunday, I thought about my response to Rachel’s invite. Was I too harsh? Should I have been more gracious? Or forgiving? The answer to all three questions is no. Four days between texts is too long. Period. As for grace and forgiveness, I have forgiven her and I was gracious. That doesn’t mean I have to pursue her romantically. Healthy communication is important to me, vital even. I do not want to begin a relationship with a woman who can’t seem to communicate simple needs. (I respect the fact Rachel ‘isn’t a texter.’ If she would’ve sent me the same text Tuesday or Wednesday, or even Thursday, we would’ve had coffee on Sunday morning.) I don’t know if I did the right thing. I made the best decision for myself with the information I had on hand.

Late on Sunday, I received a text from Carrie, the woman who tried to pair Rachel and me. She apologized for Rachel’s actions, and I told her not to apologize. Adults are not to blame for the actions of other adults. I was thankful for the opportunity and consideration. It’s high praise when a woman offers to connect a man with one of her friends. So, I thanked Carrie for her efforts.

When I look at the last week concerning Rachel, I find strength in our actions. Whatever Rachel is facing, it was a ballsy move to text a guy four days after his last text. I applaud the courage needed for such a move. And, I like how I handled the situation. I didn’t let my emotions control my responses, and I was kind to everyone involved without backing away from the moment's strain. Is this what healthy conflict looks like? I believe so.

Onward and upward.

Nik Curfman 7/14/21 Nik Curfman 7/14/21

Vol II: #2 The Setup

As I circled the pool I began to get a better picture of who the lady is. She’s a teacher, and believes in social justice for African-Americans and those in poverty. Having given part of my life to such people, I liked what I heard. I appreciated the condor of my friends, because they did not paint a rosy picture or inflate my expectations. I left the house with a better idea of who she is, and…I stalled the inevitable long enough. I was always going to say yes to the setup. No matter what.

While fishing on the Bayou last week, I received a text message from Carrie*. “Nik, I got someone you need to meet!!” it read. It’s the first time in years someone offered to set me up, and two conflicting emotions immediately went to war in my heart. First, there was joy, for the opportunity and consideration by my friend. And second, there was fear, lingering from the dating failures before it. Carrie, an unashamed lady, did not wait for my reply and quickly demanded an answer. What I chose in the moment was honesty. I was tired and had questions. In the moment, I did not have an enthusiastic answer to give- which disappointed my dear friend. Thankfully, she was gracious and agreed to push the conversation to the next day.

As I walked around Bourbon Street the following morning, I thought about the type of woman I want to date. Gone are the porn-informed fantasies of my youth, and experience taught me to value character over status or accomplishment. With the smell of stale beer and old brick in my nose, I remembered the breaking points of previous relationships. Then I asked myself “who is this woman?” No doubt she is flawed, imperfect, and battling her own set of breaking points. Like me. After I scarfed down a delicious shrimp po-boy for lunch, I let my mind settle on three main questions and a plan. I’d put my questions to Ms Carrie and let her decide the next step.

I didn’t mince words in my text to Carrie later that afternoon. I asked if the woman was passionate about anything, emotionally healthy, and did she possess self-worth. This wasn’t the reply Carrie expected but she embraced it all the same- which led to a deeper more meaningful conversation. Ultimately, we decided until I returned to Redding to continue the discussion.

By Sunday, I was back in Redding, back to dry heat and cloudless summer skies. Carrie and her boyfriend lured me over with the promise of free food to discuss the setup. I was slightly nervous when I arrived and struggled to make small talk. For the next few hours we discussed everything but dating. The slow build up set my nerves at ease. Eventually, we made our way to the pool out back, and finally the conversation turned to the mystery lady.

Carrie (and boyfriend) led with how cute the woman is, which I consider annoying. I dunked my head under the surface of the water to let out a small sigh. “Of course you think your friend is cute. ALL WOMEN THINK THEIR FRIENDS ARE CUTE. It’s a throw away statement,” I screamed…in my head. I quickly turned the conversation to who this person is, not what she looks like. Physical looks are fleeting. We all end up sagging and grey.

As I circled the pool I began to get a better picture of who the lady is. She’s a teacher, and believes in social justice for African-Americans and those in poverty. Having given part of my life to such people, I liked what I heard. I appreciated the condor of my friends, because they did not paint a rosy picture or inflate my expectations. I left the house with a better idea of who she is, and…I stalled the inevitable long enough. I was always going to say yes to the setup. No matter what.

The next morning, Carrie sent me the woman’s phone number (and picture). I was annoyed (by the picture) but happy to be moving forward. The setup was in motion.

(*Name changed for obvious reasons.)

Nik Curfman 7/13/21 Nik Curfman 7/13/21

Abstract: Dating

The hope of the bloom,

fresh from the storm,

the seed of the beauty before it.

The hope of the bloom,

fresh from the storm,

the seed of the beauty before it.

But not this day, the lingering clouds too thick,

The life-giving Son absent,

and only faith remains.

In the darkness Faith whispers “these shadows will fade,

and tomorrow we renew the hope of glory.”

Nik Curfman 4/25/21 Nik Curfman 4/25/21

Journal: #266 An Odd Forward Move

I’m officially happy to announce I internet-stalked someone for the first time in a few years. Felt good. Felt like I’m moving forward. She’s a friend of a friend…of a friend. Odds are I’ll never meet her, but it was nice to be slightly interested in someone new.

A short yet significant post will do today. I’m officially happy to announce I internet-stalked someone for the first time in a few years. Felt good. Felt like I’m moving forward. She’s a friend of a friend…of a friend. Odds are I’ll never meet her, but it was nice to be slightly interested in someone new. And who knows, stranger things have happened.

I will now take time to explain exactly what I mean by “internet-stalked.” It’s 2021. Everyone googles the name of a person of interest. It’s what we do. I did it to my last girlfriend and she admitted she googled my name too. In my case it’s simple fact-finding. Now that I’ve done it, I’ll move on. All I did was look to confirm my impression. And, yes. She seems like a cool lady. It’s a good reminder. There are lots of cool ladies out there.

Nik Curfman 3/16/21 Nik Curfman 3/16/21

Journal: #230 Dating In Faith

The Lord has moved me through pain and fear over the last ten years. I’ve dated some great women and a few disasters. At one point in my life I questioned marriage. Why would anyone do it? And now, at 40, I want a special friend, someone I can love. I look forward to meeting her.

Dating can be a minefield of frustration and pain. I envy those who made it through, on to the next great adventure. Regardless, I do not pity myself or ask for it. I know I am where I need to be in life. The sting of my break up last summer still lingers on occasion, but my faith in the Lord. I want His best for my life, whoever it is. I want to be her best too.

Yesterday, I thought about dating. I did this because I received a text from a very sweet young lady. She told me I she was thinking about and praying for my family. As I said, very kind. I kinda hate I’m not interested in her. It’s in times like this I’m grateful I’m not one of those people who date out of boredom or fear. I find it easier to walk away from an opportunity like this.

I think I’ve been on all side the dating world. I’ve been dumped, and dumped my share of ladies. I’ve held huge crushed that weren’t reciprocated. A few women thought I was the man for them when all I saw was a friend. I ghosted a women once and felt like crap after. Her name was Jill. She was smart and successful. I was weak and afraid of life. After a few dates I stopped talking to her. It was a douche move on my part.

I don’t believe dating is different than any other part of life. The more faith I have, the easier it is to say no. It’s also easier to let go. Last June, I let my girlfriend walk away from something good, because that’s what she wanted. It was tough and shitty. The moment required faith and whole lotta sisterly-love from my friend Jesse. (My guardian angel from Texas.)

As always, my faith is in the Lord to make it happen. Then, I expect Him to be our cover and foundation. I look forward to writing about it when the time comes. His will be done.

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Nik Curfman 2/18/21 Nik Curfman 2/18/21

Journal: #209 Not My(Dating) Story PT. 4

The difference is Mike believes in himself in way I couldn’t understand- until recently. He believed he could be successful at something despite a huge failure. I find it utterly amazing. That’s what I want for my life. No failure is too great if I keep moving.

Last year, I failed. I had want I wanted. She didn’t want me. So, I’m gonna be like Mike. I’m gonna keep trucking, and believe in who the Lord created me to be.

This is the fourth and final installment of my dating stories meant to encourage myself and other single people. In the intro I wrote about my heart break last this year. Part 1 is about Bob and his path to Kelly. Bob overcame his pain and cynicism to go after Kelly, and they are wonderful together. Part 2 looks at Phil, and his long winding path to marriage. He was patient. It paid off. Part 3 is the tale of Willie, his divorce, and faith in the Lord.

When Mike married Janet it was a glorious spring afternoon. The real highlight was the surprise/drunk bagpipe player hired to play amazing grace for the ceremony. Mike and Janet were solid through all types of adversity. And, then they weren’t.

College Sweethearts

I met Mike twenty years ago at his house just before he married Janet. They were college sweethearts and looked the part. Mike was and remains a bit on the reserved side. He prefers to hang back while Janet bounces around every room she enters. They played music together and dreamed of touring the country.

Solid, Right?

Mike and Janet didn’t just dream of making music and touring the country. They did it. Mike produce an album while still in college. After they married, the Janet began to make appearances on following albums. The pair then started writing songs together, and produced a few more albums. In the summer of 2007, they got to do what they dreamed of doing- tour the country.

Not long after the tour Janet became pregnant with their first child, a boy. The pregnancy was hard on Janet’s narrow body. She pull through but it was a traumatizing moment. Mike supported Janet the way you’d think a husband should. They even let several needy friends crash in their spare room for a bit.

Mike and Janet remained a strong couple in my community. They hosted parties and held people accountable. Their door was always open, and MySpace proved they lacked for nothing. Their music never hit the charts, but they seemed fine with it. Life is more than music.

Child No. 2

In a way, Mike and Janet’s daughter was a miracle. Mike and Janet did not plan to have a second child based on their experience with the first. They put several measures in place to ensure Janet would not become pregnant. (Their daughter is proof no birth control is 100% affective.)

The pregnancy was not the hurdle the second time around. The developing baby girl had a heart defect, which would require surgery with days of birth. Most children are born with great joy. Their daughter was not. Two days later she had open heart surgery, then again a few months later. I lost count how many she had in total, but it was a lot.

I Don’t Know What Happened

I can’t say what cracked Mike and Janet. I know every couple struggles at some point and weaknesses. The head-scratcher is Mike and Janet were often vulnerable about the difficulties and hurdles they face. I thought they were one of the healthy couples. I thought they’d make it. I should’ve notice when they “took a break” from playing music. Something was off.

They’ll Work It? No, They Will Not

Mike and Janet separated around the same time Willie and Amy did. Along with my personal issues, my community was falling apart. (Willie and Amy were never the solid couple Mike and Janet were.) I somewhat expected Willie and Amy to divorce, but not Mike and Janet. I thought they’d find their way back to each other.

They did not.

Since it’s mostly rumors and one-sided stories (from Mike), I will forgo details. It’s my view they both gave up, and likely for different reasons. I knew it was over when Mike began to openly expressed his anger at Janet, and when Janet posted “You gotta grow up sometime” to Facebook. Whatever happened, they did not want to stay married to each other.

Mike Moves On

After the divorce, Mike didn’t take long to move on. I don’t think he was looking for his next wife, but he found Lydia on a dance floor in the NoDa neighborhood of north Charlotte. She is kind and quiet like Mike. I always get a kick out of the fact that she kinda looks like Janet, but that’s where the similarities end.

Lydia is a hero is my book. She started dating Mike during a nasty divorce, and became an all-star stepmother to his two kids. She accepted and loves Mike for who is. For me, it was good to see. I needed to see a woman love an imperfect man the way she did.

Mike Just Keeps Being Mike

What I love and admire about Mike is he who is. He’s always been a bit quiet. He’s always written and played music. I hope he never stops. It’s who he is. I’m sure some part of him would love to make money playing music, but he hasn’t let a lack of commercial success stop him. I am still struggling to get started doing what I love. Mike never stopped. Even in the middle his divorce he put out one of the most honest and raw albums I’ve ever heard.

A God of Redemption

I choose to believe most people mean “I do” the day they get married. So I can’t imagine the heartbreak of a divorce. I can’t imagine what it’s like to build a life, to overcome so much adversity the way Mike and Janet did, only to throw in the towel. Some part of me feels like it’s a waste. Didn’t they love each other? Yes. I think they did.

Last year taught me love isn’t enough. Marriage require something more, call it grit, fight, or stubbornness. I think at some point Mike and Janet ran out of juice. They were empty, and it’s a bad place to be when life slaps at our face. We all need Jesus at our center. We need His word in our heart. The other person should never have to lift that burden.

Where I find encouragement in Mike’s story is he kept trucking. At at time when I questioned marriage he got married, had kids, got divorced, and remarried. On some level, that’s faith in the Holy Spirit. I can barely date someone new years after a break up, and this dude is out there getting remarried? Maybe, I’m wrong.

Last year, I failed. I had want I wanted. She didn’t want me. So, I’m gonna be like Mike. I’m gonna keep trucking, and believe in who the Lord created me to be.

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Nik Curfman 1/28/21 Nik Curfman 1/28/21

Journal: #189 Not My(Dating) Story PT. 3

Willie is a sexy man. I write this without shame or hesitation. He’s athletic, charming, and possesses a strong jawline. I like to watch heads turn whenever he walks through a crowd of people. In another life, he could’ve been a male model after his soccer career.

This is the third installment of my dating stories meant to encourage myself and other single people. In the intro I wrote about my heart break earlier this year. Part 1 is about Bob and his path to Kelly. Bob overcame his pain and cynicism to go after Kelly, and they are wonderful together. Part 2 looks at Phil, and his long winding path to marriage. He was patient. It paid off.

Dating is an introduction. It’s often misleading. No amount of dating can prepare someone for marriage. This next narrative is rough and heart-breaking, but ultimately ends in redemption. Part 3 is the story of Willie.

Willie Is That Dude

What I love about the attention he receives is Willie doesn’t care about his affect on women. He loves Jesus with all his heart, and decided to spend his life pointing the youth and young adults to the Lord. I first met Willie in a laundry room of a working class apartment complex. He was teaching Bible verses to the kids assembled there.

Willie Meets Amy

Willie met Amy at friend’s house. After a few group hangs, they began to date. By all accounts, it was a great match. He was a dashing young minister, and she a beautiful budding artist. They were married about 18 months after they started dating.

(Before I go on I want to say something. The rest of the tale of Willie and Amy is ugly, and I experienced Willie’s side of it. Every marriage and relationship involves two people. Two people have issues. Two people contribute to disfunction. The only path to stay together is when two people decided to commit to their marriage and find answers to the problems that plague them.)

No Happy ever After

According to Willie, his marriage encountered its first major hurdles on their honeymoon. Like good church folk, they smiled in public while trying to work it out in the dark. They tried counseling and read books. Nothing working. No magic key existed.

Their Hail Mary came in the form of their daughter Madison. In truth, when they had Madison, the situation only worsened. Willie tried to soothe his shame by ministering more than ever, went to counseling twice a week, and prayed every prayer possible to keep his marriage alive.

At this point in the story, I’m not sure what effort Amy made to save her marriage. I do know via social media she stopped using her married name long before the divorce was finalized. In my mind, she gave up.

From Bad to Worse

To add insult to injury, Amy filed emergency paperwork to have the courts consider Willie an unfit parent. She said he was abusive and a drunk. The court filings said his friends were alcoholics. Though not named, I was one of those people. I was not an alcoholic, but, that’s not the real travesty.

No one who spent five minutes with Willie and his daughter Madison would question their bond, his love for her, or his devotion to her safety and well-being. Amy used the courts to stick it to Willie in the worst possible ways. The marriage burned to the ground, but don’t take his daughter away. It took me years to forgive her for it.

Is Marriage Really Worth It?

At the same time Willie and Amy were suffering through the end of a difficult marriage, I was struggling too. I reeled from an abusive relationship and questioned why anyone would get married. The price appeared to be too high and rewards too slight. I didn’t have the ability to believe in the goodness of God. The lack of healthy marriages around me didn’t help.

Willie The Gracious

After the divorce, Willie suffered. He had to fight legal battle after legal battle. He was forced to step down from a leadership position at an NGO, learned to code, and continued therapy.

Despite all of it, he kept his faith in the Lord. At one of the lowest points in his journey through this hell, he said something I’ll never forget. During a custody hearing, a witness for his ex-wife took the stand and lied. A lot. Willie was angry, and knew enough about the witness to destroy her credibility to the judge. All he needed to do was lean over, whisper the sins of the witness to his lawyer, and let him pick this woman apart.

When I asked Willie why he didn’t do it, he said the words forever etched into my mind. “I didn’t want to win that way. I didn’t want to win by ruining someone’s life. It might take longer, but I trust the Lord to defend me.” I was floored. In the middle of a nasty custody battle, with the ashes of his marriage still on his heart, Willie had the grace to love his enemy.

Trusting the Lord: Faith

As the next year unfolded, Willie won small custody battles, began to minister again, and met Laura.

It was only about a year from the time they met until when they got married on a chilly Tennessee evening. In my mind, they married fast- Willie and Laura. I wondered if Willie acted hastily. The reports I got about Laura said she was sheltered woman who rarely dated. Perhaps like Amy, she idolized Willie.

I’ve never been more happy to be wrong. Laura is a human, which means she has flaws. In more Biblical terms, she is a blessing and the partner Willie needed. They minister as a team, and have similar vision for their lives. More importantly, they love each other. Willie and Laura face challenges instead of run from them.

A God of Redemption

As an observer of Willie’s life, I’m amazed by the grace and mercy of the Lord in his life. He said his forever “I do” to Amy, and believed his word was true. No one at that wedding envisioned the the struggle ahead, the contentious divorce, or horrid custody battle. In the aftermath, I couldn’t see how he’d move forward from the devastation. I’m not sure Willie did either.

What he had, and still has, is constant connection to the Holy Spirit. His heart broke. I was there. I saw it. But, he stood tall in the Spirit. He trusts the Lord to bring him better days when life sucks, and I’m blessed to be a witness.

I Trust the Lord, Not an Outcome

Last year, I thought I found my forever woman, but I was the only one. The breakup crushed my heart, and it’s still tough for me to imagine something better. That’s why I’m thankful I have Willie as an example in my life. I refuse to be motivated by anger. Instead, I want to lean into the Lord, and trust Him to bring me to someone better. Whoever she is.

Lord…thank you for Willie, Laura, and even Amy. I’m grateful to watch how you redeem the broken and heal our hearts. I’ve seen your grace and gentle glory rest on my friends. Thank you. Thank you for hearing my prayers for Willie to bring him someone like Laura. Thank you that she’s any amazing wife to him. Bless them both.

Amen.