Journal: #132 Not My Story Intro

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

One of my most annoying tendencies is to hang onto pain and rejection. I wish I was that guy who could break up with someone and move on, but it’s not my history. This morning I stood in forest and shook my fists in frustration. Why am I like this? Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?

My dating history is full of rejection. In almost every relationship of my life, I was dumped. When I look back on what I did wrong and what I can change, I have obvious errors and areas of improvement. Regardless, I was never a bad boyfriend. I loved without regret and wanted the best for each lady. So why do I keep being rejected?

What Do I Want?

I want a confident woman and refuse to define someone. I have and continue to ask “what do you want?” I ask that question because I do not accept the trope that women are lesser humans who “need a man.” And, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for emotional intelligence and brave communication. Women are not victims even though we live in a world that allows them to be.

I aspire to be a powerful man, and I want to partner with a powerful woman. I want a lady who will challenge me and back me up, because that’s what I plan to be for her. There’s nothing less sexy than the words “I don’t know.” (To be gracious, “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer on occasion, but not as a way of life. People who perpetually don’t know what they want don’t know who they are, or they are afraid to be who they are.)

Recent History

The frustrating truth about my last girlfriend is she showed glimpses of being a powerful woman. I knew I wanted to date her the day she told me I was wrong about an issue at work. It was awesome, because she was right. I loved that she used her voice and insight to speak into the inner workings of complex business relationships.

By the end of our relationship she was riddle with anxiety, so a breakup was the best move. She seemed determine to prove me wrong about how special I think she is. Painfully, I admitted she needed space to level out and find her center in Jesus. When she came to break up with me, I let her go without a fight. I still consider her a friend, and pray for blessings on her life.

We broke up six months ago, and most of the time I have my heart and mind looking forward. Yet, part of me still hangs onto to her, to who she is, despite the heart ache. In those moment, I engage my new weapons in the fight with rejection and fear: questions and gratitude.

What’s true? It’s not her or nobody? You don’t know the future. You want a woman who wants you.

Gratitude Is A Weapon

As I turned to walk back to my car I turned my heart toward the sky and gave thanks for the beautiful weather, the trail, and my friends. I dove into what my friends mean to me. My prayer led to tears of joy as I thought about Bob and Nixon*, and then…I thought about their wives and the paths that led to them.

After I thought about Bob and Nixon, I thought about Kyle and Mitch. Each of these men have a unique marriage story. All of them faced failure and rejection, and all of them are in healthy, functional marriages. I’m happy for and proud of each man.

Most importantly, I’m glad the Holy Spirit shifted my vision as I struggle with my journey toward marriage. Gratitude opens doors to see paths hidden by shame. My dating history is not my story, just part of it. Over the coming week I will detail the story of each man and where I find encouragement in it. For anyone looking for stories of redemption, grace, and the kindness of God, stay tuned.

Happy Sunday.

*For the sake of this series, I changed their names and will omit a few details. My intent is to tell my story which includes the stories of others. I have no desire to expose or use anyone.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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Journal: #131 Being Who I Am