Walk in the Woods

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Daily Journal: #93 Forging an Artist

I am very content in knowing I’ve “done something” over the last month. It might not be much or particularly note-worthy, but the half a dozen small oil pastel drawings and ten sketches represent as much or more as I would’ve completed in previous years. When I lay down my self scrutiny, I see the progress I want.

LINKS

The field at Churn Creek Trail. 
The field at Churn Creek Trail.

A month ago, I wrote a post in celebration of my first completed art piece since 1999. I was genuinely thrilled to finish the painting, and… I have done very little in the aftermath. (That’s not entirely true. I have completed half a dozen small works and a series of sketches I rather enjoy.) I planned to begin another painting, of a leaf falling into a puddle, but haven’t moved to do it. While I am armed with a bevy of excuses - I traveled, my marketing business picked up, my supplies were stolen (true story), the sun wasn’t shining on the north side of the tree stump- I cannot let myself settle back into “wanting to be an artist.” I have to step forward into what comes.

The Money Problem

My contending issue is I compare myself to a fantasy of what I should be. It’s not fair to myself. I drift into dangerous territory by imagining a future where I am a professional artist. I envision my works sold in galleries and developing a following. It’s a dangerous trap because this is where I find motivation, in the money. If I am a successful artist, I can be a successful husband. But, what if the money never comes? Would I put my creativity on the shelf?

No, I can’t put being a creator on the shelf, so I have to disconnect it from fantasies associated with future riches. The problem then becomes “what’s the rush?” As my day fills up with business meetings and projects we find a major pitfall of my life. In the absence of financial reward, I have to find new sources of inspiration and determination. It’s easy to grow and change and produce when we believe in a tangible benefit, but what are we when it’s gone?

Historically, money is not my motivator. When I mentally experiment with what it would be to be rich, I literally get board. My life becomes one of the countless games in the App Store- dull and repetitive. And, while I do not embrace poverty, I no longer wish to be rich. I can’t. Seems boring. If I find one day my financial decisions are measured as wealthy, so be it, but I can’t run after God and money.

And yet…I worry about money. I worry I won’t have enough of it for my future wife and family. This is a thought I’ve internalized for decades. Coupled with my inability to dedicate myself to life-sucking careers, I end up being a man terrified of being a poor leader without a way to fix it. Money isn’t everything, but poverty sucks.

(This is where showing up in the fog and going to work counts. F-ck the outcome.)

Progress is Progress

I am very content in knowing I’ve “done something” over the last month. It might not be much or particularly note-worthy, but the half a dozen small oil pastel drawings and ten sketches represent as much or more as I would’ve completed in previous years. When I lay down my self scrutiny, I see the progress I want.

This creative year was suppose to be about doing, experimenting, and producing regardless of the outcome. And, as usual, as I type I am to see more clearly so the issues I battle.

The money/family fear is real, and something to be given to the Lord. Some of my most spectacular failures came when I tried to control my life. Another issue is trying to project the future. All of imaginings have been wrong, might as well keep doing.

Lastly, I still battle the quality of my work. I want to be accepted and esteemed. And the only way I’ll get better is to create, learn, grow, evolve, and create some more. (I’m being insanely vulnerable right now. LOL. Makes me a bit scared for anyone to read this, but I’m being honest. At my worst I am insecure and long for the acceptance of others. My person hamster wheel.)

Randomly last night this video played as I let YouTube run. I like this channel (Wheezy News), mainly because the creator, Craig, is my age and conducts experiments I find interesting- like 30 Days without social media or 30 Days as a Vegan. Any who, in this video he explains his perspective on being a creative and it’s very refreshing. He seems almost dispassionate about his work, and I know he isn’t. Wisely, he says not to linger over a project, keep going.

As he talked about his perspective, I felt the a weight lift from my mind. I’ve made being an artist a canyon to cross rather than a journey to enjoy and explore. I took something that is suppose to feed my soul and made demands on it, loading it down with the burden of expectation.

It’s funny how the Lord can encourage me, who he uses, and when. I’m fairly certain my friend Craig is not a believer, but that’s ok. His words are still wise, and what I needed. I suspect I will continue to battle expectations. It’s ok. I’m learning. I’m proud of myself for sticking with it- it being Jesus AND loving myself. I can’t properly love myself without exercising my creativity.

Progress is easier when I have grace for myself. It makes the low moments short and not so low. Thank you Lord.

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Daily Journal: #92 Pushing Through A Day

Quick Life Pro Tip: When the God of the Universe says you are worth dying for, pay attention. How dare us believe anything else. How dare we allow anyone define or set our value. I’m amazing and so are you.

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A Long Day

You ever have a day so long it makes yesterday seem like a week ago? That’s me today. I can remember yesterday, but it seems ages since. I spent most of the day making and sending revisions (of a photo banner) to a customer incapable of being satisfied. I’m thankful most of my work is not design work. God bless graphic designers.

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In addition to work being a mental and emotional challenge, I’ve experienced an annoying level of resentment toward a few friends. I say annoying because I don’t want to be bitter or upset with them. Truly. I don’t enjoy spending any energy addressing past offenses or perceived slights. Yet, I know I’ve got to face the disappointment .

As I sensed my emotions rise this evening, I made a choice. I put on my shoes and went for a long walk. It was good to get outside and feel the cool air on my face. The smoke finally cleared out a few weeks ago, and Redding is in full autumn bloom. It’s beautiful. The changing leaves and striking skies were enough to remind me to be in moment. Yes, I’ve felt frustrated by life and work today. But, my life is good. I am good. Nature in all its glory did work in my heart.

Moving Through It

If I learned anything the last year it is to face pain before it controls me. Real or imagined, any amount of suffering reveals something about me. I think today I learned I still have a bit to go in my battle with rejection and self-worth. When I believe in me, nothing can touch me. When I have healthy expectations, I’m good. And when I want something from someone who doesn’t have the capability or desire to deliver? That’s the place sorrow and pain grows.

It’s easy to want to hold people to their word and promises. After all, they set the tone and contributed to the expectation. But what am I to do? Make laws out of what someone said, so I can crucify them later, when they fall short? That’s not grace. That’s not love. That’s not friendship. That’s being a dick, and I refuse to be a dick.

I think it’s ok to feel whatever I feel. It’s not healthy to deny our emotions, and I can’t face my flaws without being honest. But emotions are not the truth of moment, they merely represent my interpretation of life in a given moment. I start to move through frustration and sorrow when I stop trying to fix the problem before acknowledging it exists.

Writing this blog helped. It helps to go back, way back to why I find myself in a hole. I get in trouble when I interpret behavior as a statement on my self-worth. No one gets to determine what I’m worth including me. Jesus loves me, and the says I am worth His life.

Quick Life Pro Tip: When the God of the Universe says you are worth dying for, pay attention. How dare us believe anything else. How dare we allow anyone define or set our value. I’m amazing and so are you.

Lord, I believe you. No matter what comes, I am your son. As your son, no one can tell me what I am worth. It hurts when I want something I will not receive. But, that’s not my destiny. My future is with You, not my expectations.

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #90 Learning to Keep Sabbath

I think I need a sabbath just to a have a day to remind myself it’s not about what I do. I’m allowed to relax and have a day to myself. It feels ironic, but good.

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My Irreverent View of Tradition

Admittedly, I don’t have a high value for observing Jewish holidays and traditions. I don’t see the point. (And to each their own, it just isn’t for me.) Jesus didn’t seem concerned with Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur or Passover. Paul, being a Jew’s Jew, didn’t promote the observance of Jewish law or traditions. So it would seem the New Testament lacks a certain reverence for them.

I’ve always chuckled at Messianic Christians. (Messianic Christians are Christians who incorporate Jews dietary laws, traditions, and other practices into their Christianity.) Like…why? Bacon is delicious, and seder is depressing. It’s as though they dismissed the Jesus who came to set us free from rigid rule-keeping and mindless tradition. However, as already stated, to each their own. Anyone who will read this blog will easily poke holes in what I say and do. Being on the outside of a thing is easy. I hope each dedicated Messianic has powerful encounters with Jesus. That’s what matters most.

So, What’s Up with Sabbath?

Three months ago, my friend Alex told me about his efforts to observe a sabbath each week- a whole day dedicated to rest and relaxation. He doesn’t have a strict set of rules. For instance, he cooks for himself and will do small tasks like fill his tank with gas if need be. Aside from these minimal tasks, he has managed to do almost nothing but enjoy the passing of a day, maybe going for a walk with his dog or swimming in the river.

As he spoke, I felt a need to listen. I stopped observing a true day off as a way to rebel against church, and now I worked nearly everyday. In fact…I feel guilty and lazy if I don’t do something productive everyday. And in case you haven’t read anything else I’ve written this year, I am learning to love myself which includes learning to relax, to let go of expectation.

It took me three month, but I finally got around to “observing a sabbath.” Last week, I did ok. Today? Not so good. I tried to do nothing, maybe watch some football. Then by 5 PM I felt anxiety creeping into my heart. You made a commitment to get that project done. I literally began to tell myself, “You didn’t do anything wrong Nik,” as tears leaked down my face.

I really want to be able to relax and enjoy life. More importantly, I do not want to define myself by how productive I am. It’s a trap. I spent much of my life trying to prove my worth to others and myself. It’s an endless negative feedback loop, forever discontent. I either have value or I don’t. The Lord loves me because I exist and I am his creation. That’s enough.

I think I need a sabbath just to a have a day to remind myself it’s not about what I do. I’m allowed to relax and have a day to myself. It feels ironic, but good.

Lord, thank you for being good to me. Thank you for answering my anxiety. You are my shelter and my counselor, my friend and my Savior.

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #89 Settling into the Moment

The last few days, I’ve experienced gladness and joy in more profound way than ever before. I’m not waiting on it to happen to me, rather it’s falling out of me. I am here and now, and it’s all I really have and need.

LINKS

To live in the moment is an elusive thing. It borders on mythic. At times in the my life it almost seemed like a New Age concept. And yet…isn’t that what Jesus is asking us when he says “Seek first the Kingdom?” I don’t know how to make anything happen in life, but I do know how to show up. I know how to take each day as it come. What if that’s all I must do?

In Tattoos on the Heart, Greg Boyle talks about gladness(joy) and relates it to being in the present moment:

“You don't really get Jesus saying very often there'll be pie in the sky when you die. He's really talking about now and today, and it's supposed to be like that. You're supposed to delight in what's right in front of you.”

The last few days, I’ve experienced gladness and joy in more profound way than ever before. I’m not waiting on it to happen to me, rather it’s falling out of me. I am here and now, and it’s all I really have and need.

What I knew How To Do

I know how to rob myself of the moment. That’s easy too. I do it my living in the future or looking back at the past. In my past, I am a failure, unappreciated, and frustrated. In the future, my life is perfect because I finally learned how to control everything and everyone. Everything went my way.

The other way I robbed myself of the present joy was by demanding more from a moment than it could offer. Of course, I didn’t stop there. The next step is to add a side order of judgement, and some comparison for dessert. No. Those ribs weren’t that good. They weren’t as good as Rodney Scott’s.

Then there’s the final trap of “having standards” and “excellence.” I can’t be happy with my work because it’s not perfect. I want to be excellent, and I can’t achieve excellence by being happy with my work. This line of thought is self-defeating and destroys any appreciation of the journey. Eventually it led me to the belief I would never be good enough, so why try?

What Changed?

I can’t overstate the fruit of walking with Jesus through prayer everyday. And I want to stress, I don’t have angelic visitations or out-of-body experiences (yet.) Most of my mornings are spent walking in the woods just trying to find enough words to connect the Lord, but I do it. Everyday. It’s been over four month since I started going for my morning walks, and now I’m here.

Where is here? Here is a place where I don’t judge myself (very often) or worry about the future. Here is a place where I don’t try to control my environment. And here is a place where I get to look for the gold in every moment, rather than the shit.

I also want to add, I don’t have sudden crazy instances of massive change. Whatever is happening in my life is moving at the pace of day-by-day. You can read previous blogs, even as recent as last week, when I was struggling with low-level anxiety. I continued to go for my walks, and put my faith in Him.

Keep the Main Thing The Thing

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know what I’m going to do. I’m going to do for a walk with Jesus. I’m going to talk to Him and listen. Then, I’ll do it again.

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Daily Journal: #88 Create and Destroy

I consider it joy to be able to walk in the fullness of the Lord. I don’t have to choose between power and love, miracles and justice. Back in July I asked the Lord for more, and I feel like He’s giving it to me. To be clear, I want it all. In this life, don’t want to leave anything on the table.

LINKS

In my mind 20’s, I had a dream the Lord gave me several gifts, among them a paint brush and a hammer. At the time I understood these gifts to be related to what my life would be- destroying evil and creating life. And until yesterday I had no idea how I would do either. Until yesterday, the dream was only a dream from years ago.

What Kind of Christian am I?

Yesterday as I wrote my blog post (Coming Full Circle), I connected thoughts and ideas I didn’t previously connect. I’ve always seen Christianity divided between conservative yet miraculous Christianity and liberal justice oriented Christianity. I discussed two of my heroes- Smith Wigglesworth and MLK Jr as an example of this divide. But…what if that doesn’t need to be the case? What if I can live a life of love, miracles, and justice? That’s what Jesus did.

In truth, Christians who focus on the social justice aspects of Jesus’ life aren’t wrong. Jesus championed the marginalized groups- the poor, the widows, the refugees, women, children, etc. He even went after the Pharisees when their rigid laws forced widows into poverty:

“They devour the houses of widows and, as a pretext, recite lengthy prayers. They will receive a very severe condemnation.”

- Mark 12:40 NABRE

The big disconnect I see is when people try to use Jesus for political purposes. Jesus loved and fought for people, not a particular party or ideology. He was about His Father’s business. Jesus was not a capitalist, Democrat, socialist, or American. He is the Messiah doing the work of the Kingdom. If I know anything about the Heart of God is that it is flexible and patient. It is not a system.

On the other hand we have what tend to be more conservative Christian who dare to believe in a create miraculous God. We are crazy enough to believe God talks to us, heals the sick, and can even defeat death. We tend to hold scripture close and discourage loose interpretations of it. Of course, the earth was created in a mere six days.

This brand of Christianity doesn’t have room for evolution or socialized medicine (in America.) They seem quite content with a private company deciding your health care fate. (It’s more noble?) The saving grace of these Christians is they do create room for Jesus to be Jesus, and this is key. Jesus is not dead, and all His promises are as real and alive as they were the moment He spoke them into existence.

I have felt a need to pick between the two groups, and yesterday as I wrote I realized that’s a false choice. No, I do not need to pick between the two. I can believe and expect miracles and supernatural love AND fight for the rights of immigrants and addicts. I don’t have to choose between two parts of the same heart.

Create and Destroy

I consider it joy to be able to walk in the fullness of the Lord. I don’t have to choose between power and love, miracles and justice. Back in July I asked the Lord for more, and I feel like He’s giving it to me. To be clear, I want it all. In this life, don’t want to leave anything on the table.

The best part of yesterday was the peace that came with knowing what I will walk toward. Usually I get overwhelmed by such thoughts and feelings. Who am I? I’m not worthy. I’d define my state of being as relieved, calm, and ready. I know whatever my life is become will happen one day at a time, so I don’t need to project the future or force it.

I got to this point by intentionally sitting with Jesus one day at a time, by getting up every morning to go walk with Him. My future is based on the same intention. I don’t have to be Bob Jones, CS Lewis, Smith Wigglesworth, or MKL Jr. (Too many Christians in my circle focus on mantels and claiming spiritual “anointing”. I don’t get it.) I get to be Nik. I am called to be Nik. I embrace that, to create and destroy, to love and defend, to partner with Jesus and do the work I see Him doing.

Prayer for October 15th

Lord, thank you for this Thursday in October. Thank you for the great weather, the peace of the skies, and your Kindness. My heart is heavy for my friends. Bless them and continue to pour out your love and grace on their lives.

I lay down my burdens and desire to you. I ask for focus to do my work and do it with excellence. I accept Your peace and love, grace and hope. I give you my heart, mind, body, and spirit.

Your will be done in me and through me today.

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #87 Coming Full circle

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy or content unless I’m radically pursuing Jesus. All of my other plans for business and life must bow to that reality. The rub is when I think I’ve got to make this radical life happen. I don’t. My calling is to show up everyday and pursue the Kingdom. Whatever I am, and whatever I become will be in the daily pursuit of Jesus.

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The Power of Books

Have you ever read the first page of a book, and suddenly found yourself transported to another time of your life? It’s a bit like how a song or smell can define an era. The smell of frying bacon will always remind me my grandma Lean’s farm house, cigarette smoke on a crisp fall day a reminder of high school football in South Carolina, and You Found Me by The Fray will forever be associated with my time in West Virginia.

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Books can transport me too, although not as often, and certainly not new books. I rarely re-read a book, so transportation to the past is rare. I do have two recent exceptions, Tattoos on the Heart by Greg Boyle and When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson. I have yet to finish Tattoos because I end up in a heap of tears and snot every three pages, and I just began WHIE to similar results.

There was a time in my life when I wanted the impossible and believed it was my destiny to walk in it. My first modern “hero of the faith” was Smith Wigglesworth, and my second is Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Both of these men walked in extreme faith to different ends. They represent the breadth of God, and His holistic Love for us.

Tattoos focuses my thoughts on the power of love, what patience and perseverance produces in our lives and the people we touch. The author, a Catholic priest, has spent his life ministering to the gang-infested neighborhoods of south-central Los Angeles. The book is essentially one love story after another, some of them quite tragic. It is the kind of love espoused by Dr King, where the miracle is in the doing, in the faith for the justice to come. It is the Love Jesus commanded us to pursue when He said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

WHIE pulls me back to twenty years ago when I wanted my life to be full of radically changed people, miracles on miracles, and life-giving prophetic words. I experienced some of it, but eventually settled for much less. I never lost my belief in such things, but I assumed I was not qualified to live that life. It stirred a jealousy in me I refused to admit until this past summer. I am only ten pages into it, but I already know what purpose the book serves in my life- to call me back to a higher plane with Him.

Back to the Start

Since I began this blog, I wandered what’s its purpose is. Since July (and originally on Tumblr), I’ve written a blog post nearly everyday, some days more than one. Until today, I wrote whatever came to mind to write. And today, even I write this post, I see now what the purpose of this blog is. As such, I see greater purpose for myself, for my walk with the Lord. And I glimpse the future to come.

I don’t think my story is unique. Many people, especially early in our lives, are excited about Jesus. We dream and imagine the Glory to come as we consume books and stories of our heroes. “I’m gonna be like them,” we say to ourselves. “I’m not going to sink into mediocre Christianity.” But most of us do. I did. I settled for less, took the corndog when I really wanted steak.

I sense, deep in my being, I have the unique opportunity to showcase what’s possible to those who settled like I once did. My heart has always been for my fellow Christians more than the lost. There are many frustrated Christians living a life well beneath what Jesus has for them. The purpose of this blog is to document one ordinary man’s journey back to the extraordinary. I want to be a sign post to my fellow Christians “YOU CAN DO THIS!”

The goodness of God is how He used my wandering. I didn’t waste twenty years. I’m glad I learned what Love is. I'm happy I mended roofs in the southern coal fields of West Virginia, waited tables in Charlotte, and slung technology by phone in California. And I find true joy is seeing how the Lord built my foundation. I have a foot on both the Glory of His miraculous Love, and the tender Loving Kindness He has for each and every person.

He is a God of miracles and justice. We need not settle for one or the other. Jesus said we would move mountain if only we have the faith and persistence to tell it to move. Many different types of mountains exist: racism, poverty, blindness, diabetes, depression, anxiety, jealousy, addictions, climate change, etc. We need not settle for one type of mountain or another. They all must melt before Him.

I’m enjoying my morning as I think about where I am in life. On paper I am a 40 year-old, single, white guy. But, that’s the way of the world. In the Kingdom, I’ve been trained for the last twenty years to be able to move mountains and encourage others to do the same- to pick up their callings and swords, to win the victories they were created to win. I’m back to where I started, more confident than ever.

Can’t Settle For Normal

Normal sucks, mostly. Can we agree on that? It’s safe, for certain, but it sucks. I have never been able to settle for normal. As my business coach put it “you torpedo everything normal because it’s not what your heart truly wants.” This morning as I read the first few pages of WHIE I came across something I’ve felt inside of me for a long time:

“It is abnormal for a Christian not to have an appetite for the impossible. It has been written into our spiritual DNA to hunger for the impossibilities around us to bow at the name of Jesus.”

When Heaven Invades Earth- Bill Johnson

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy or content unless I’m radically pursuing Jesus. All of my other plans for business and life must bow to that reality. The rub is when I think I’ve got to make this radical life happen. I don’t. My calling is to show up everyday and pursue the Kingdom. Whatever I am, and whatever I become will be in the daily pursuit of Jesus. I was not made to be my own Savior and Lord.

To this last point, I do find myself overwhelmed but only when I think it’s about me. Yesterday, I wrote about my fear of goal-setting, and when I think about trying to make everything happen at some distance point in the future I begin to sink. But life doesn’t happen all at once. I have today, and all I need to focus on is today. The Lord told me back in July to write and love the people in my orbit. I can do that. I am doing that.

It will be my pleasure and honor to document what’s about to happen in my life. I am wise enough to know it will have sh-tty moments, but there will be good stuff too- lot’s of miracles and healed hearts. Stick around. It’s going to get interesting.

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DJ: #86 Goal Setting and Fear of the Future

I know I made goal-setting a mountain to be moved. When I think about my life a year from now, what I want, how I want it to look, it not dramatically different than it is today. (And a few things are out of my control i.e. coronavirus, the economy, etc.)

LINKS

In my last session with Kirk (business coach,) he asked me to set goals before our next meeting. That was nearly two month ago. Next week we will convene to go over my goals. Of all the tasks and homework he’s given me, new goals are the scariest. He asked me to envision my future, a thing I am reticent to do.

As I prepare for next week, I am forced to confront my fears. I am afraid to admit what I want, and simultaneously afraid of what I want. I am scared of wanting the wrong thing. I fear failing in pursuit of the wrong thing. Lord knows I’ve failed…a lot.

What’s the point of having goals anyway, if what I want is always wrong and/or I never seem to get there? Seriously. What's. The. F-cking. Point?

(In my head, I know what’s happening here in this moment. My mind has closed and my vision narrowed. Life is suddenly about immediate results and binary choices. It’s as though all the wisdom, love, and grace from this year disappeared. I need to be honest with myself. I need to ask a few questions, and challenge the narrative in my head.)

I’ll start with stating the obvious, as Paul put it, “It’s no longer I who lives, but He who lives in me…and my life is now lived by faith in the holy Son of God.” My life is radically different than it has ever been. And I aim to keep it that way. I do not fear the future or failure. How can I?

I know I made goal-setting a mountain to be moved. When I think about my life a year from now, what I want, how I want it to look, it is not dramatically different than it is today. (And a few things are out of my control i.e. coronavirus, the economy, etc.)

So what do I want? I want to have written 300 more Daily Journal blog post, 100 poems, and 12 Learnt posts. I want to complete 12 major art works and 150 small sketches. I want to lose another 45 pounds of fat, payoff another $10k in debt, and increase my savings/investments by $10k. But, these are the easy goals to set. They are mostly a continuation of what I am already doing.

By this time next year, I also plan on furthering my spiritual education, and I’d like to be in a healthy romantic relationship. Both of these are hard to admit, but for separate reasons. It’s hard for me to tell people I plan to go to ministry next fall because I feel like I’m too old for it.

And the other thing? The relationship? I learned anything this year it’s that it doesn’t matter how much I want something. If the other person in the relationship doesn’t want to be in it, (whatever the reason) there’s nothing I can do but let them walk. How can I plan to be in something when I can only affect half of the thing?

I suppose I could work up the courage to ask a woman out, which would be a small victory of a sort. Of course, in order to ask a woman out I need to be in a place to meet her. Maybe my goal shouldn’t be to go on a date, rather to meet someone new. That would be nice. That approach reduces the pressure to produce a relationship- I can go years without being attracted to anyone.

What a blog. I feel like a just processed through some major stuff. Now I’m gonna go make a smoothie.

Thank you Lord for pulling me back from the ledge. I am loved and worthy of love. I do not need to fear the future.

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DJ: #85 There and Back Again

Thankfully, His grace and mercy is new every morning. It doesn’t matter how productive or unproductive I am. It doesn’t matter how many times I f-ck up. The main thing is to keep Jesus the main thing. That’s it. That’s all I want. Let him be Jesus, which starts by being honest.

LINKS

“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”
- Thorin Oakenshield

Yesterday was the first day(non travel related) without a blog post in nearly three months. I thought about it, and nearly wrote about Rosa. I worked with Rosa at a sushi restaurant ten years ago. She was a squat, dark-skinned Honduran woman with crooked teeth. She laughed at everything and took pleasure whenever she yelled “Caliente Hot!” as she pulled her latest creation from the fryer.

I was going to write about her in reference to peace. How one day, while I melted down, Rosa looked into my eyes and whispered a soft but firm, “Tranquilo, Nik.” But, I decided to go to the prayer chapel instead of write.

While in the prayer chapel I lost my temper as two old people decided to pray aloud. I wrestled with my frustration and their insistence to be heard. As I walked away from the building I had a good laugh. What a day. I went from thinking about Rosa and peace, to completely giving my peace away…whilst I prayed.

Today, same same. I had a great morning walk with Jesus, then melted down in the car a few moments ago. I can feel a pull into self-pity and bullshit, but I refuse to stay down. If I fall a thousands time, in a day, I will get up a thousand and one. I only lose if I let fear and anxiety win.

I was triggered today by something someone said. And it was something I want to hear, so that’s fun. It was a mature statement made by a mature person. Before I knew what was happening, I was in a hole. I felt like I had to react, or will have to act on what they said. None of that is true, fortunately. It took a good cry and an admission I am afraid for me to move through it.

This is me. This is real. I am a man facing my humanity, daring to believe I will be fully me.

One area of improvement, something to be thankful for, is I do not feel worn out or stuck. The enemy likes to pile on layers of condemnation and pity- to judge our judgment and pain. But, I’m not doing that. I might feel sad or confused, but I am loving myself through it.

I realized this morning I stopped verbalizing my pain. I stopped being vulnerable, and began to skip to “fixing myself.” So today is about getting back to a basic vulnerability in my life. In truth, I can’t find peace or healing if I am trying heal myself. That’s not how it works.

Sometimes, I want to look for solutions without looking for the source and cause of my suffering. The process of healing includes looking first at what is, allowing the Lord to be the Lord, and receiving His grace.

Thankfully, His grace and mercy is new every morning. It doesn’t matter how productive or unproductive I am. It doesn’t matter how many times I f-ck up. The main thing is to keep Jesus the main thing. That’s it. That’s all I want. Let him be Jesus, which starts by being honest.


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DJ: #84 A Prayer of Determination

Holy Spirit, I accept Joy, Peace, and Hope right now.

I give you my fears, desires, and anxiety.

I release all judgement and tension.

LINKS


Lord,

I don’t feel like I’m winning. I don’t feel like I’ve progressed, and I’m not sure I can feel those things. This is my 84th Daily Journal post. That’s something.

I went for a long walk. 5 miles. That’s something.

I signed a client to a long-term deal. That’s something.

I’m sketching almost everyday. That’s something.

I am in Love with you. That’s something.

You are in love with me. That’s something.

I am strong, smart, and kind. That’s something.

I am more engaged in my heart and my calling. That’s something.

I show up everyday to walk with you and listen. That’s something.

I can do all things through you. That’s something.

My faith is growing, despite how I fell. That’s something.

Holy Spirit, I accept Joy, Peace, and Hope right now.

I give you my fears, desires, and anxiety.

I release all judgement and tension.

I believe You in your Kindness, Humor, and Courage.

I do not measure my life in externals, but the love, faith, and righteousness coming out of me.

I refuse to accept condemnation or guilt. I am loved. I am worthy. I am amazing.

I believe in me, the me I was created to be.

Jesus, I love you. Thank you.

Amen.


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DJ: #83 The Miracle of Resurrection

In my life, I’ve always been willing to move on, to do something new. New is good. New doesn’t have a past or carry offenses. New I can trust. New isn’t devoid of problems or flaws. But, it is exciting. New is full of possibilities and wonder.

LINKS


I don’t have a deep or well-thought out discussion on the topic of resurrection, but I am meditating on it today. A friend recently reunited with his girlfriend, and it seems like the right move. (Who knows really, but in this case it seems good.) As he told me the story of his battle to go after her, I couldn’t help but think it was a resurrection of sorts. Their romantic relationship died, but now it’s alive.

I’m just gonna free-write now, whatever thoughts come to mind.

In my life, I’ve always been willing to move on, to do something new. New is good. New doesn’t have a past or carry offenses. New I can trust. New isn’t devoid of problems or flaws. But, it is exciting. New is full of possibilities and wonder.

I think a more mature understanding of new is aware flaws will be exposed, limitations realized, and eventually disappointment will come.

Resurrection is aware of limits and flaws. And yet, it is new. Resurrection carries with it a renewed hope based in reality, not fantasy. It is a different kind of miracle. And, I am blessed to know the newness and the resurrection power of God in this season. This is love too.

(No. I am not aiming this meditation at anything or anyone.) With my friend’s reunion in mind, I took my thoughts to the Lord. If I am to let people or a situation back into my life, how I am to know what it good and right? As I prayed last night, the Lord repeated His recent request “Stay with me. In all things.”

On a more humorous note: I do believe I will never darken the backdoor of restaurant or food business again. I have supreme confidence in the reality my food service days are done. I feel extreme peace about it. LOL


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DJ: #82 Rebounding from Shame

This week I’ve felt like a failure, which is a form of self-judgment. What really chaps my ass is I’ve been productive. It’s been a good week, and yet…and yet…I am suppose to live up to some herculean standard? Of what? I genuinely robbed myself of enjoying life. F-ck that.

LINKS


Some thought processes and emotional hurdles are buried deep in my being. For example, anger was more easily dumped than judgment. Anger is a process, and I can stop that train at the moment I realize I’m on its tracks. But judgment? Judgment happens in a slim second. It’s effortless, but no less damaging.

Culturally speaking, anger is mostly frowned upon. Anger is the emotion of cavemen and the immature. Refined men don’t get angry. Healthy Christians are above it, supposedly. I don’t wrestle with its place in my life.

But judgement? That’s a different beast. We are proud of our judgments- our preferences, opinions, and view points. We are taught to be judgmental. Modern technology practically begs for our thoughts and opinions: Yelp, Google Reviews, any comment section, Uber driver ratings, Twitter, blogs, etc. And yet…my dude Paul wrote, “I don't care to be judged by you, I don’t judge myself.” Of all the my scripture reading this year, that one stands out. Where TF did that come from?

I, Nicklaus, judge myself. I judge my productivity, the quality and depth of my relationships, and just about damn near everything else in my life. As I discussed in my previous blog, this judgment is not of the Lord. It’s not of His nature or Spirit.

Despite this tendency, I refuse to accept this mentality. Life doesn’t need to be an intense experience. The prize in my war with judgement is joy (and relaxation.)

This week I’ve felt like a failure, which is a form of self-judgment. What really chaps my ass is I’ve been productive. It’s been a good week, and yet…and yet…I am required to live up to some herculean standard? Of what? I genuinely robbed myself of enjoying life. F-ck that.

As always, the Lord is good to me, and proud of me. He doesn’t measure my life (or any life) the way I do. If I can learn to love I can learn to let go of fantasies of a person I am supposed to be. Truth is I rock. I f-cking amazing. Imperfect, but amazing.

Lord, I let go of comparison and judgment. I accept life as it comes and Your will in my life. I love myself, and I forgive myself.

Amen.


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DJ: #81 I Can’t Hate On 2020

But, on a personal level, 2020 is awesome. Extremely hard, but awesome. I’ll look back on this year as a year I decided to soar. I no longer define my life by what I lack or how I fail. I no longer seek instant fixes or freak out over moments of insecurity. I am not who I was, and I’m thrilled about it.

LINKS


Seems like most people agree 2020 is/was a shit year. Without question 2020 has held some dark moments- coronavirus, the UK leaving the EU, racial injustice, rising unemployment, international tensions, the nastiness that is a US Presidential election, rising violence, various shortages, etc. Good Lord, it’s a lot. And, we still have roughly 82 days left in the year. Geez.

But, on a personal level, 2020 is awesome. Extremely hard, but awesome. I’ll look back on this year as a year I decided to soar. I no longer define my life by what I lack or how I fail. I no longer seek instant fixes or freak out over moments of insecurity. I am not who I was, and I’m thrilled about it.

I think what I find most interesting is I’m not tired of the fight. I battle shit everyday- anxiety, depression, disbelief- and I’m unfazed. Usually, I would be deep down a hole of self-judgment by now. (Come on Nik, this is the third week in row.) How human a thing to do, to judge ourselves? But here I am, happy with me. I finally understand Paul’s admission to the Corinthians (4:3-4.)

3 I care very little, however, if I am judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not vindicate me. It is the Lord who judges me. 

I am encouraged because I see the true value of persistence and dedication. It also helps to have vision beyond the moment, month, year. By valuing persistence and vision, I do not place undue burden on the present. Whatever we are, and whatever we become, is the work of a thousand decisions.

It only takes one choice to change direction, and a change in direction is the beginning of new journey. I am often thrilled to begin a new thing, as I envision the payoff. Where I, and many others, bog down is in the middle. After the novelty wears thin and the reality of the mission takes center stage, my heart has to be in it- whatever I’m pursuing.

Everything I’ve ever quit was because I didn’t think the pain was worth the payoff. Everything I’ve endured, I did. It’s really that simple.

As an adult, I rarely lacked the ability to endure what my heart didn’t support. It was super frustrating to believe I wanted a career or relationship only to realize it isn’t what I wanted. (Until this year, most of my motivation stemmed from shame and fear.) I believe most people know the feeling.

Now my fears come from what if I fail? Fortunately, the more I lean into being who I am the less I need affirmation. In fact, it’s not about “success vs failure”. I see now its about being, not a measurement. I write a blog everyday, and hardly anyone reads them. I don’t care. I’m here because I want to be here. I like writing, and I feel alive when I type.

Despite the failures of 2020, I fell in love with Jesus and myself. And if nothing else progresses, I will celebrate that. Always.

Thank you Lord for 2020. I’m so happy for this year.


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