DJ: #81 I Can’t Hate On 2020
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Seems like most people agree 2020 is/was a shit year. Without question 2020 has held some dark moments- coronavirus, the UK leaving the EU, racial injustice, rising unemployment, international tensions, the nastiness that is a US Presidential election, rising violence, various shortages, etc. Good Lord, it’s a lot. And, we still have roughly 82 days left in the year. Geez.
But, on a personal level, 2020 is awesome. Extremely hard, but awesome. I’ll look back on this year as a year I decided to soar. I no longer define my life by what I lack or how I fail. I no longer seek instant fixes or freak out over moments of insecurity. I am not who I was, and I’m thrilled about it.
I think what I find most interesting is I’m not tired of the fight. I battle shit everyday- anxiety, depression, disbelief- and I’m unfazed. Usually, I would be deep down a hole of self-judgment by now. (Come on Nik, this is the third week in row.) How human a thing to do, to judge ourselves? But here I am, happy with me. I finally understand Paul’s admission to the Corinthians (4:3-4.)
3 I care very little, however, if I am judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not vindicate me. It is the Lord who judges me.
I am encouraged because I see the true value of persistence and dedication. It also helps to have vision beyond the moment, month, year. By valuing persistence and vision, I do not place undue burden on the present. Whatever we are, and whatever we become, is the work of a thousand decisions.
It only takes one choice to change direction, and a change in direction is the beginning of new journey. I am often thrilled to begin a new thing, as I envision the payoff. Where I, and many others, bog down is in the middle. After the novelty wears thin and the reality of the mission takes center stage, my heart has to be in it- whatever I’m pursuing.
Everything I’ve ever quit was because I didn’t think the pain was worth the payoff. Everything I’ve endured, I did. It’s really that simple.
As an adult, I rarely lacked the ability to endure what my heart didn’t support. It was super frustrating to believe I wanted a career or relationship only to realize it isn’t what I wanted. (Until this year, most of my motivation stemmed from shame and fear.) I believe most people know the feeling.
Now my fears come from what if I fail? Fortunately, the more I lean into being who I am the less I need affirmation. In fact, it’s not about “success vs failure”. I see now its about being, not a measurement. I write a blog everyday, and hardly anyone reads them. I don’t care. I’m here because I want to be here. I like writing, and I feel alive when I type.
Despite the failures of 2020, I fell in love with Jesus and myself. And if nothing else progresses, I will celebrate that. Always.
Thank you Lord for 2020. I’m so happy for this year.
