Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/20/22 Nik Curfman 6/20/22

Vol II: #82 Old Promise, New Understanding

The truth I now know is I can’t lose the Lord. He’s not going anywhere. I can fail but I won’t lose. All those years ago, He knew what I needed and branded my heart with a promise. Now I know it’s a promise I can’t undo. I can’t make Him go away or forsake me. (I laugh at that last thought. No matter how much of an asshole I may be, He’s always with me.)

In the middle of a prayer last week, the Lord hit me with a promise- rather a reminder of a previous promise. Years ago the Lord promised “I’ll never leave you and I’ll always be with you.” I’ve thought this was odd as this is two ways to express the same idea. Why not leave it at “I’ll never leave you” or a simple “I’ll always be with you?” Regardless, it’s pretty nice to have the God of All Things promise to remain with me throughout my life. And 23 years after the promise was made, I testify to it being a promise kept. The oddity of the two in one promise still stands, however.

So back to last week in prayer.

I can’t remember what I said or how I got there, but the Lord responded with “You’re not going to lose me.” In that moment, I felt like my largest fear was yanked from the depth of my heart and exposed for what it is. I am afraid I’ll lose the Lord, that I’ve got to walk a tight rope to please Him and I can’t fall. I’m afraid that not matter what I do, I’ll fail. And in my failing, I will miss what the Lord has for me.

The truth I now know is I can’t lose the Lord. He’s not going anywhere. I can fail but I won’t lose. All those years ago, He knew what I needed and branded my heart with that promise. Now I know it’s a promise I can’t undo. I can’t make Him go away or forsake me. (I laugh at that last thought. No matter how much of an asshole I may be, He’s always with me.)

Nik Curfman 6/30/21 Nik Curfman 6/30/21

Journal: #322 Random Coffee Thoughts

I am over-caffeinated right now. I can feel that my eyes are slightly bulgy, and my thoughts are frantic. Not bad frantic, just sporadic and quick. My ability to focus is suffering, which makes this a humorous enterprise— at the moment. As I type I am concerned about the looming coffee crash. Oh well. Perhaps this afternoon will require an extra dollop of grace.

Here’s a random sample of my brainscape:

This morning I went to Wal Mart to buy supplies for my trip to Mt Hood. The workers were busy re-stocking empty shelves, and the store was as peaceful as a Wal-Mart can be. Most of the employees looked middle-aged and tired— the type of workers with families and middle-aged concerns. Few made eye contact, even less smiled. Working for Wal-Mart probably carries few social perks. Netflix does not make specials on the glory of hourly work in big retail (the opposite is more little.) I wanted to hug each person I saw and thank them for their hard work.
Last year, I didn’t know what to do for my 40th birthday, so I fled to South Carolina. At the time, I thought throwing a party for myself would be lame. I do not think that anymore. If I want to host a party for myself, I will.
A loss of hope can usher in fear, which leads to the dark side of life— judgment, anxiety, shame, etc. As a Christian, whenever we lose hope, it’s an opportunity to turn to the Holy Spirit. In all likelihood, we need a new infusion of hope from the Lord, or we need to move on from the situation. No unnecessary handwringing or strain. (Or, as like as possible.) We need to grow more comfortable “moving on.” And, as always, the Lord is the answer.
I’m ready for an infusion of new friends. Nothing against my current friends. They are God’s goodness and grace to me. Most of them are also married, with kids. Even my two newest friends— Nathan and Hudson- will both be married by the end of October. I need the everyday type of community. (Which I lost when a certain couple moved back to Texas.)
My trip to Mt Hood is going to be emotional- in a good way. I can feel it.

This is a good place to stop. I have more thoughts but most of them are fragments. Tomorrow, I will write my entry from Oregon.

(God is good. All the time. Which means I am good…all the time. You too. Any voice, no matter how convincing, that tells us otherwise is bullshit.)

Nik Curfman 5/1/21 Nik Curfman 5/1/21

Journal: #270 My Reset Button

The last five weeks of my life were a challenge. I batted loneliness, nicotine addition, and anger. I lacked grace for myself and my family. And, I forgot what faith is. But today, on a barrier island north of Charleston, South Carolina, none of it mattered. It's as though all the heart-ache and striving melted away. Nature is the Lord's constant miracle, and my reset button.

Away from the crowds near the board walk, I wandered to the quiet end of Isle of Palms. I loved the way my feet splashed through the surf and the cool wind at my back. For a few moments I sat in the sand to consider the waves and gulls, the life around me. Before my trek back to humanity, I stuck my feet in the Atlantic ocean. The water was cold, but the current was soft. I shut my eyes and let the sunshine bathe my soul. It was good. Somewhere between Columbia and that beach, the load I carried the last month broke off.

More tomorrow. Love y'all.

Nik Curfman 4/24/21 Nik Curfman 4/24/21

Journal: #265 Godly Books

Kirk gave me a book, not a link to podcast. I don't listen to podcasts. Not my thing, which Kirk does not know. My father knows does. He also knows I need encouragement and what my reading habits are. So, He gave me a book last summer to ferry me from where I am to where I want to be. Amazing.

I am not an avid reader. Not yet. I read in great spurts when my mind or heart is hungry for knowledge. My appetite will last for weeks to a few months. Then I reach a point of satisfaction, my belly full of new ideas and stories. I find humor in it now, but this feast or famine pattern bothered me until my late 30’s. It didn’t suit my desire as an intellectual. After all, smart people read. Do they not?

At 40, I care less about the intellectual thing. If I am judged by the books I read or number consumed, I'm hanging with the wrong people. I like that I read in sprints, because I prefer to read when prepared to receive the story. For example, I needed two years to finish Tattoos on the Heart. It’s not a hard read. A serious reader might finish it in a day. I could not. Most of the stories gripped my heart, leaving me in snotty tears. The best I could do was a few pages a week.

So, why am I talking about my reading habits? That's a good question I will now answer: Two days ago I picked up a book given to me last summer by my business coach Kirk. It's called The War of Art, which is about the battles creatives wage when we attempt to face our fears. Much like Tattoos on the Heart, I am challenged every 2-3 pages.

I love it. I love the timing of it, and the fact the content speaks to an area of my life where I need help. (God is so good, eh?) What I need is courage to create, to risk being misunderstood. The author- Steven Pressfield- is a skilled warrior in this fight. Through his words, he stands at the top of the ridge calling me onward. Perfection isn't real. It's about the doing. The opinions of others do not sculpt or draw, write or sing. It's about the doing. The Lord knows this, which is why He put nuggets like The War of Art in my path.

I thought about this dynamic this afternoon. Kirk gave me a book, not a link to podcast. I don't listen to podcasts. Not my thing, which Kirk does not know. My Father does. He also knows I need encouragement and what my reading habits are. So, He gave me a book last summer to ferry me from where I am to where I want to be. Amazing.

Thank you Lord for loving me in extraordinary ways. Thank you for books and wisdom. And, your tireless devotion to me. I love you.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 4/9/21 Nik Curfman 4/9/21

Journal: #252 Celebrate Victories

I’m glad to be where I am today. The last ten months tested my faith and determination, and I expect more the same in the future. For today, I will celebrate this victory. I felt knocked off my mountain, but I put my trust in the Lord to lead my back to the summit. As Jesus said, the Lord did. That’s the greatness of a true and living God.

Yesterday was the first “good” day since…January? I’m not sure. And by good I mean to say a day where I felt good about me and my life. I still battled some anxiety and sadness, but only in small bouts. This morning I woke up in a bit of a funk, but quickly snapped out of it during my morning walk at Lima Ranch. I like the direction I’m headed in life, and look forward to the summer months to come. My heart feels relieved and eager to move into this next season.

As I reflect on the last five months, I feel as though I cleared a significant test of my heart and mind. On the heels of last summer’s heart ache, I was highly motivated to shed my chains of fear and self-doubt. The Lord opened up my world, and I found a certain ease in the uncertainty. As summer churned into autumn, my motivation began to slip, as the path ahead of me began to form. In my heart, I knew this decline in optimism would happen. Most new ventures are curbed by reality. Still, I pushed through. Winter held the cruelest gifts, and my only goal was to continue to show up- to seek Jesus everyday.

So now, as Spring blossoms, I reap the fruit of my labor. I have beheld the goodness of God in every season, and it is my joy to confirm Matthew 6:33 is more than bullshit words from a dead philosopher. The promises of Jesus- the Messiah- are truth. I have fought through shame, sorrow, depression, anxiety, apathy, anger, arrogance, pride, distraction, and lies to seek first the Kingdom. If I could tell the world anything, I would parrot what the Lord told Peter, James, and John in Matthew 17:

4 Peter broke in, “Master, this is a great moment! What would you think if I built three memorials here on the mountain—one for you, one for Moses, one for Elijah?”
5 While he was going on like this, babbling, a light-radiant cloud enveloped them, and sounding from deep in the cloud a voice: “This is my Son [Jesus God], marked by my love, focus of my delight. Listen to him [His promises are real].”
(The Message)

Show up. It’s worth it.

Nik Curfman 3/23/21 Nik Curfman 3/23/21

Journal: #236 Bounce Back

What I experienced today- the bounce back from bullshit- is the product of working with the Holy Spirit. It’s about being present, declaring life over myself, and refusing to concede to darkness. It’s taken me years to get to this point, which I do not wish on anyone. My hope is people around me are less stubborn than I was. I took the long way around the mountain to be the spiritual giant I am today, *wink*.

Bounced Back, As Expected

Well, today was a pleasant bounce back from yesterday. I expected it to be so. Before I fell asleep last night I told the Lord, “tomorrow is going to be different.” And it was. The general lack of motivation is no more, and I found my emotional center as soon as I woke.

New Ideas Are Fuel

For those who don’t know, I live in the world of what’s possible. I love to consider options and create new ideas in my head. As soon as I woke up today I imagined the site redesign you see now on the homepage. I’ve got a few more tweaks, but I feel really good about it. I think it looks a tad more professional and less slapdash. (As it should, since I work in the world of digital marketing and site development.) To those who visit this site on regular basis, let me know what you think. I’d love to know your thoughts and opinions on my new design work.

The Fun Is In The Winning

A thought now imbedded in my mind is the best parts of life come after a hard fought victory. Last night, everything inside me wanted to blow up my life, for reasons I can’t explain. Instead of self-sabotage, I chose to do what’s made me successful over the last year. I showed up. I walked. I wrote in my physical journal, and I prayed. I did all the things. In between my confusion and desire to give-up, the Holy Spirit responded to my efforts. It’s amazing what can happen when I make room for the Lord to do what only He can do. Today was a day of victory over anxiety and depression.

Sudden My Ass

What I believe in less and less is the idea of “sudden” advancement. It’s a concept popular in charismatic/prophetic circles I frequent. The idea of sudden advancement is akin to winning a spiritual lottery, and it’s demotivating. God is not bestowing His grace and favor randomly or to a select few. The more I run after Jesus and pursue the Kingdom, the more my life improves (Just as Jesus promised.) It may look sudden from the outside, but it’s a patient grace and act of submission. Whatever I am today and will be tomorrow is the result of twenty years of walking with Jesus. There’s nothing sudden about it.

What I experienced today- the bounce back from bullshit- is the product of working with the Holy Spirit. It’s about being present, declaring life over myself, and refusing to concede to darkness. It’s taken me years to get to this point, which I do not wish on anyone. My hope is people around me are less stubborn than I was. I took the long way around the mountain to be the spiritual giant I am today, *wink*.

Love y’all. So does Jesus. Embrace it. Own it. Love thyself.

(I know I promised a Part 2 to Ordinary Miracles. It’s coming. Tomorrow.)

Nik Curfman 2/12/21 Nik Curfman 2/12/21

Journal: #204 Shit Day, Kinda

On days like this, the only thing I got is Him. That’s not a dismissal of anyone or anything, but my belief He makes the suffering worth it.

Today was a long grind of a day. On top of the work I had to do, I had a stack of meetings late into the evening. It was not my favorite way to spend a Friday, but that’s life as a contract marketer. I work and meet on my clients schedule. I’m thankful for the work, but there’s never an end. Work just leads to more work. Bigger, better, more, right? Isn’t that what we’re about?

I want to complain about it. I want to bitch and moan, and wonder what the f*ck I’m doing with my life. The truth is this will pass- the mood I’m in and my marketing career. It’s not a life move, but a temporary way point from where I was in BBQ to where I’ll be in the next few years.

**(As if to demonstrate my point, Justin texted me as I wrote this post.)**

In truth, I work with some great guys. They love and respect me. They’ve honored my work and given me a raise, a new title, and little gifts along the way. I can’t say enough them. Alex and Justin are the exact opposite of what I experience from my business partner last year. They care about me and listen to what I want and need for my life. (See the screenshot.)

So…like I said, I’m in a good situation. I will not complain. Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to learn and grow in an environment of honor and grace.

If I was were still slinging BBQ, I’d still be in Redding. I would not have the freedom to fly across the country to be with my parents as my dad begin cancer treatments. No. I will not complain or fall into self-pity. This moment is special. I’m happy to have it.

The angst I feel is me being hard on myself. This moment is a chance to love on me and affirm who I am. I’m tired of my life and being measured everyday. That’s why I’m so thankful for the love and grace of the Lord. It’s not about numbers with Him. His love stretches to the horizon without regret. And, He’s so kind.

On days like this, the only thing I got is Him. That’s not a dismissal of anyone or anything, but my belief He makes the suffering worth it.

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Nik Curfman 2/11/21 Nik Curfman 2/11/21

Journal: #203 New Goals

Of all my goals, this is more important than money or drawings. Positive confession over my life and heart makes everything possible. When I say I am a great poet I create a world where that is possible. When I whisper I love you Lord I remind myself of what’s important to me.

During my second stroll of the day, I thought about new goals. I’m fresh off hitting my last round of 45 day goal. “It’s time to up the ante,” I thought. Goals need to be hard yet achievable, at least that’s what people in the Goal Setting business say. I’ll add my contribution with this; in addition to challenging yet doable, goals need to be interesting.

Motivated to Do

I have a history of setting goals I didn’t have motivation to hit. One salient example is reading. While I love to read I am motivated to read in spurts. I bend toward non-fiction books which requires brain space to process. Fiction, on the other hand, tends to disappoint me. I’d rather watch the movie. It is what it is. Accordingly, I stopped making it a goal to read a certain number of books every year.

Only took me 20 years to figure it out.

Doable but challenging

My new goals are practical and in line with the direction my life is heading. They are:

Pay off my tuition to BSSM in the next 45 days. This assumes Uncle Sam will mail me another stimulus check. If so, I’m on the hook for $2500. It’s a tall task, but I’m up for it.
Write a poem every other day for a total of 23 poems in the same period. I like my poetry, and want to write more of it.
Draw or sketch something, no matter what it is, every other day for a total of 23 drawings. Of the three goals, this one seems to be most daunting. It will require me to do instead of judge. I need to allow myself to play and enjoy what I’m doing rather than focus on technique and style.

But Wait, There’s More

In addition to these goal, I want to keep walking 10k+ step every day, personal journaling, and blogging. I set a goal of 340 blogs over the course of my first year. This blog will be 203/340. I’ve got exactly 150 days to write 137 more Journal posts.

In retrospect, I wish I set my goal at 330 posts. I’d like to take Sundays off to rest my mind, which I will do starting in April. This first year of writing is one the most wonderful of my life, and I look forward to year two. I’m planning to reduce the number of blogs, focus on grammar, and use some software tools to help me stay organized. For now I’ve got to push through to hit my original goal.

My personal journaling is something I don’t discuss…because it’s personal. Of everything I do, it’s the most vital. The journal is where I write to the Lord, and I will do whatever it takes to keep the conversation alive. I don’t have a set goal per se, only to show up, be honest, and listen.

That’s not entirely true. The Lord has given me a few task to do. I’ll tell you about one.

Words Are Powerful

Early this year the Lord told be He was going to teach me how to live from the Spirit. He said He was going to show me how to align my heart with His Spirit. So we started with specific to me affirmations. Last year, around this time, I began to proclaim some of the basic over myself- I am loved. I am worthy of love. Etc. This time the Lord asked me to say affirmations like I am a great artist. I am a great poet. (Admitting this publicly is tough.)

Jesus talked about the power of what we speak into this world. The tongue is a sword with two blades, and it cuts both ways. We can “move mountains” and “defile” ourselves. I spent most of my life defiling myself and limiting what was possible. Those days are finished. If the mountains are going to move, I’ve first got to believe they will move.

Of all my goals, this is more important than money or drawings. Positive confession over my life and heart makes everything possible. When I say I am a great poet I create a world where that is possible. When I whisper I love you Lord I remind myself of what’s important to me.

The Lord is asking me and instructing me on how to be me. It’s pretty sweet.

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Nik Curfman 1/26/21 Nik Curfman 1/26/21

Journal: #187 Battling My Lies

If the lies are in my head, then they can be out of my head. This is my hope, and out of this hope comes faith. I don’t need to have all the answers for my flaws. It is the work of the Lord and His grace on me. I trust the Lord to do what He alone can do in my heart and mind.

I wonder if insecure feelings will ever go away. Maybe some will, like loneliness. (Loneliness is a state of mind as it is.) What I want to know is it is possible to live life without feeling inadequate or belittled? Can I live without nagging doubt?

On January 26th, 2021, I have no firm answer. How can I? My life is not completed.

Fight On

What I do know, what I believe, is I can fight through it. I’d rather not feel like a phony. It would be awesome if I never battled my self-esteem again. But, until that day, I must go to war with those emotions intended to drag me into the void of despair.

From Secure To Faith

My life was completely different a year ago. I thought I knew what was ahead and felt up to task. On days like today, it’s the opposite. I have no clue what lay ahead in my life, only a vague picture.

I know I’m loved and worthy of love. I’m thankful to be surrounded by people who love and appreciate me. Moreover, the men I work with are kind and honest. I didn’t expect to be spit out of one business venture into something built for me and my disposition.

Never Surrender to Lies

There is hope I can achieve a lasting victory over my fears. For one, life with Jesus means anything is possible. The other is more subtle. It’s mental. The lies are in my head, not my reality. Want proof? Ok. How’s this? Today, I was given a promotion. Crazy, eh?

More Lord. #LFG