Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 8/23/23 Nik Curfman 8/23/23

Vol IV: #12 Hard To Write Stories

It’s a story worth telling, worth writing and publishing. Maybe someone will read it and see themselves in Drake as he sits in the chair, suffering verbal abuse. And they’ll find the courage to run as fast and far as possible, away from their Abbey. Or, perhaps this is my opportunity to practice sharing my ugliest stories.

Gary and Mary was fun to write (and I hope it’s fun to read.) I enjoyed creating the main characters, researching subway lines, and trying to recall the sights and sounds of New York in the spring. And the plot gave me room to explore new-to-me concepts. I couldn’t wait to write each day once I envisioned Mary the magic paint brush. And I experienced an ease to the process I didn’t expect.

My newest short is more complicated and personal than the first. For one, it’s almost entirely autobiographical. And two, the tale is unflattering, unfunny, and somewhat shameful to compose. Yes. I was buried deep inside a relationship with an abusive drug addict. Yes. I kept going back to her in an attempt to save her. How dumb? How stupid could I be? And the passage of time doesn’t make it easier to relate. However…it’s a story worth telling, worth writing and publishing. Maybe someone will read it and see themselves in Drake as he sits in the chair, suffering verbal abuse. And they’ll find the courage to run as fast and far as possible, away from their Abbey. Or, perhaps this is my opportunity to practice sharing my ugliest stories.

Nik Curfman 8/17/23 Nik Curfman 8/17/23

Vol IV: #9 Straight Truth

I needed to say this today.

I’m forcing it today.

I feel like I need to write something good and readable, and I hear ten competing voices in my head. They are judging my words and telling me how my intentions are bad. And I admit, I sensor myself a bit, because I know who reads my blog. And sometimes I want to write about a moment or subject but I pull back. I edit my words to the point that what I’m saying is barely worthy of writing. I’m afraid I’ll offend or reveal too much.

And these are my problems, not my readers’. It’s up to me to be honest and vulnerable, to believe the best of anyone who stumbles by rather than the worst. And I’m thankful for this hurdle now at my feet. It is high and I don’t know how to jump over it, but I must.

Nik Curfman 9/2/21 Nik Curfman 9/2/21

Abstract: Life In The Tongue

A poem about learning to be honest, and the frustration of the process.

“Am I the asshole?”

Is a reoccurring question,

after a moment of honesty with another.

A previous version of me,

was nice and agreeable,

and dishonest.

I wasn’t a liar,

but I kept my truths to myself,

my deep hopes and childish dreams,

the ancient wounds and broken thoughts.

They would bubble up at times of despair and loneliness,

when I needed emergency surgery on my life and emotions.

But, I’m trying to live more honestly, intentionally,

with less trips to the ER.

I want to be healthy, and isn’t honesty good for us?

The cliche “best policy?”

As with anything new, I am a novice,

a child learning to use my honest legs.

I’m bound to rap my head on floor a few times,

and run into glass walls I didn’t know where there.

But, walking is better than crawling,

and running is healthy for my heart.

Lord, teach me.

May I learn how to speak in a honest tongue,

and always give life with my words.

Nik Curfman 8/25/21 Nik Curfman 8/25/21

Vol II: #20 Love and Friendship Are Not The Same

A couple of summers ago, I asked a pretty lady on a date. She, kindly and directly, said no to my face. Sure, I was disappointed, but I moved on. I appreciated her reply even though it’s not what I wanted. I hope Mr. Will sees my response for friendship similarly. I didn’t waste my time going to lunch with a man I dislike. I didn’t avoid him or passively string him along, and I honored myself.

I can be a bit of an odd duck. Most people don’t tell others, “I don’t want to be your friend,” but I do. Today, I told a grown-ass man, “you're not my cup of tea,” after he extended an invitation to lunch. Mr. Will* is probably a good dad and husband. He’s successful in his career, and he introduced one of my best friends to his wife. Still, when his text rang out from my phone, I had a visceral reaction in the pit of my stomach, “I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE LUNCH WITH HIM!”

The main reason I told him no is simple: I don’t like Mr. Will. He dominates conversations and possesses a ton of spiritual ambition. By spiritual ambition, I mean he wants to be famous within the Christian world. The rest of us are along for the ride if only we could recognize his holy brilliance. He’s the type of guy who would be Tik Tok famous if he wanted to be. He craves validation, and I refuse to give it.

(The rationale behind my blunt rejection is Mr. Will is a sales guy. He was gracious in his follow-up text if a bit bewildered and possibly hurt.) Much of his success is based on his determination to push through passive forms of communication. Soft no’s do not work with him.

After the deed was done, I thought about my choices. (Of course, I did.)Did I do the wrong thing? The answer is no. I don’t like Mr.Will. Would I stop to help him on the side of the highway? Yes. That’s called love. Love helps those in need of help. But, love is not an automatic pathway to friendship. Friendship is a personal choice. I look at it from this perspective: it’s acceptable to reject a romantic advance bluntly. Therefore, friendship advances should be handled the same way as romantic advances. Our culture may frown on such an approach, but so what?

In my head, right now, are ten people I wanted to befriend. They, in their passive ways, proved they did not feel the same way. Their rejection still hurt me- every unanswered call, every one-word text response, three days later. Passive rejection is no less painful than direct rejection. I knew I didn’t want to befriend Mr. Will. I did him a favor by being blunt…I cut him loose. No wondering, no wasted effort. Be free little buddy.

I’ll end with this rhetorical question: don’t we owe each other honesty? I believe we do.

Nik Curfman 5/17/21 Nik Curfman 5/17/21

Abstract: To Be Honest

It’s a silly notion,

to question the placement of honesty,

based on the reaction of the receivers,

who merely want to be part of the discussion.

What is honesty?

How does it work?

Indeed, does it work?

By work, I intend when does honesty provide value, and where is it limited?

The classic answer is honesty is the best policy,

a liberating sentiment for the preacher,

our minds unburdened by fake reality,

and its imaginary details.

But what if honesty bring unwanted attention,

discussions thrust upon the author,

to rehash topics and words,

left behind.

It’s a silly notion,

to question the placement of honesty,

based on the reaction of the receivers,

who merely want to be part of the discussion.

As truth tellers,

it is incumbent on us,

to continue to speak the truth,

and hone our ability to communicate it.

If you don’t like the feedback,

don’t yell at the audience,

rather see it as the opportunity it is,

a moment to grow and expand our reach.

For, there is a difference between speaking the truth and how we say it,

tone, words, phrasing, and pace,

all contribute to how our truth is received.

Nik Curfman 4/8/21 Nik Curfman 4/8/21

Abstract: Where I Am Today

Why does my heart cling to hidden hopes,

of a moment orchestrated by God,

an epic resurrection?

It feels wrong,

to give up on something,

I believed was good.

Keenly,

I’m aware,

I was the only one who dared believe such a thing.

Every relationship,

is about two,

always two.

Their hopes and fear,

past and preferences,

pain and desires.

One cannot carry two,

be the source of joy and peace,

or dismantle doubts and fears of the other.

Every relationship,

is about each of the two,

each fighting for themselves and the other.

She stopped fighting for herself,

for me,

and sunk into her shame place.

Still,

why is it so hard for me,

to give up on her?

Why does my heart cling to hidden hopes,

of a moment orchestrated by God,

an epic resurrection?

I have no answer,

so I offer none.

This is where I am today.

Nik Curfman 3/3/21 Nik Curfman 3/3/21

Journal: #219 Honest With God

Yesterday, I felt a huge relief when I finally told the Lord about some doubts in my heart. They were about Him. This life of faith isn’t a straight line or one of perpetual bliss. I know it. Heck, the Lord told be this year would be like a rollercoaster back in January.

Honesty with God is important. It’s important to me. I tend to do this thing where I hide my thoughts from God and pretend everything is ok. Or, try to make everything ok. It’s not intentional on my part. I am still developing my ability to be completely open and honest with the Lord.

He knows what’s going on me, so my honesty is more for me than Him. I can’t seem to move through a problem if I don’t confess it. In any case, I’m not going to get down on myself. Practice makes perfect. I’ll spend the rest of this week being honest, to keep my heart free.

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Nik Curfman 10/12/20 Nik Curfman 10/12/20

DJ: #85 There and Back Again

Thankfully, His grace and mercy is new every morning. It doesn’t matter how productive or unproductive I am. It doesn’t matter how many times I f-ck up. The main thing is to keep Jesus the main thing. That’s it. That’s all I want. Let him be Jesus, which starts by being honest.

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“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”
- Thorin Oakenshield

Yesterday was the first day(non travel related) without a blog post in nearly three months. I thought about it, and nearly wrote about Rosa. I worked with Rosa at a sushi restaurant ten years ago. She was a squat, dark-skinned Honduran woman with crooked teeth. She laughed at everything and took pleasure whenever she yelled “Caliente Hot!” as she pulled her latest creation from the fryer.

I was going to write about her in reference to peace. How one day, while I melted down, Rosa looked into my eyes and whispered a soft but firm, “Tranquilo, Nik.” But, I decided to go to the prayer chapel instead of write.

While in the prayer chapel I lost my temper as two old people decided to pray aloud. I wrestled with my frustration and their insistence to be heard. As I walked away from the building I had a good laugh. What a day. I went from thinking about Rosa and peace, to completely giving my peace away…whilst I prayed.

Today, same same. I had a great morning walk with Jesus, then melted down in the car a few moments ago. I can feel a pull into self-pity and bullshit, but I refuse to stay down. If I fall a thousands time, in a day, I will get up a thousand and one. I only lose if I let fear and anxiety win.

I was triggered today by something someone said. And it was something I want to hear, so that’s fun. It was a mature statement made by a mature person. Before I knew what was happening, I was in a hole. I felt like I had to react, or will have to act on what they said. None of that is true, fortunately. It took a good cry and an admission I am afraid for me to move through it.

This is me. This is real. I am a man facing my humanity, daring to believe I will be fully me.

One area of improvement, something to be thankful for, is I do not feel worn out or stuck. The enemy likes to pile on layers of condemnation and pity- to judge our judgment and pain. But, I’m not doing that. I might feel sad or confused, but I am loving myself through it.

I realized this morning I stopped verbalizing my pain. I stopped being vulnerable, and began to skip to “fixing myself.” So today is about getting back to a basic vulnerability in my life. In truth, I can’t find peace or healing if I am trying heal myself. That’s not how it works.

Sometimes, I want to look for solutions without looking for the source and cause of my suffering. The process of healing includes looking first at what is, allowing the Lord to be the Lord, and receiving His grace.

Thankfully, His grace and mercy is new every morning. It doesn’t matter how productive or unproductive I am. It doesn’t matter how many times I f-ck up. The main thing is to keep Jesus the main thing. That’s it. That’s all I want. Let him be Jesus, which starts by being honest.