Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 5/30/22 Nik Curfman 5/30/22

Vol II: #73 Simple Dating Rule

I think the best I can do is be honest and forward and myself. And the woman who responds to me, as I am, is the one I should ask out for an afternoon together. Given my penchant for complexity, sometimes it pays to remain simple when it comes to women. Do I want to spend more time with this lady? Yes or no? If yes, then ask for that time. If no, move on.

Dating in 2022 is strange and familiar and complicated. The married, be they happy or miserable, offer their best answer for each new frustration. But the simple truth is no one knows what the hell they’re talking about. In the last 12 months I was told my “picker is broken” and “to take risks” and to be “patient.” I feel a bit like a man trying to hang a painting with the help of my friends. Each person shouts something different and directly opposed to the others, “UP! To the Right…No, Lower. Tilt the corner down! It’s not level.”

Easy enough…right?

Nik Curfman 8/13/21 Nik Curfman 8/13/21

Vol II: #15 Success Is Not A Feeling

Around 11 AM today, I got a text from my buddy Blake. He is in a bit of a work lull, which is normal in the video production industry. Projects pop up, and sometimes there are more projects than others. Newly married, my friend feels the very real weight men often experience when we don’t “pull our weight” financially. I rattled off a few encouraging words and went back to work. Moments later, Blake called me because what I said, “meant a lot to him.”

As soon as I set my phone down from my conversation with Blake, Hudson asked via text to meet up for an afternoon coffee. I told him I could meet around 2 PM, which is what we did. Again, I talked him through a tough work scenario. We’ll talk again tomorrow.

Wednesday afternoon, I chatted with Jonathon. (Yes, with an -on instead of an -an.) He talked about his frustration with his job too. Again, I walked him through why he hates it. Johnathon is a people person- like me. He lives his best life whenever he meets new people. He’s everyone’s friend and has the innate ability to put anyone at ease. The problem is, he hates sales regardless of how well he does. It’s a real shame. He’s so good at it. If I was building a sales team he would be the second call I make.

On a personal level, today feels like a slog, as though I’ve lost both shoes in a swamp and I’m miles from dry land. What I love about my state, despite the lack of positive emotions or thoughts, is I still have wisdom for others (and myself.) I feel like a failure because of all the things I didn’t get done this week. And yet, I had three friends seek me out for advice. Isn’t that success? Yes. It is.

I don’t feel successful, but I am.

Nik Curfman 3/1/21 Nik Curfman 3/1/21

Journal: #217 Don’t Complicate Jesus

Today wasn’t my day. Oh well. Tomorrow will be. My task isn’t to try and fix all the problems I see. It’s not my calling to put the world on my back. And I can’t hasten the Lord’s promises any more than Abraham did. My journey is simple. Love the Lord. Seek Him. Everything else will line up.

I know for an absolute fact I wrote and posted a blog last night. It was about my trip to Charlotte and how I intend to handle a situation with an old friend. I know I wrote it. I know I added a picture. And today it’s gone, like it never existed. This tiny example typified my day.

Today was a day full of false starts. For the shear fact that I do not want to rehash all of the frustrating moments, I’ll skip to the end.

By the time I opened my laptop to begin writing this post, I felt that old familiar hopelessness I know I left to die in 2020. The question “What good is my life if the lives of people around me aren’t affected?” surfaced. It’s a terrible question born of self-pity and judgement. It’s a form of anxiety. Really.

The thing is, I know what’s true. I know how to beat this. It’s not complicated or difficult. It’s a simple as saying Lord, I feel like shit. I know that’s not true, but that’s where I am. Thank you for being here with me.

A few moments ago I read Romans 4. What a timely read. It’s about Abraham and his faith in the promises of God. Paul was a loquacious Roman Jew. I think he gets a bit wordy; however, his point is solid. Abraham was righteous because he believed God. That’s it. Even when he balls were old, and no one would consider having a child, he held on.

I gotta believe Abraham wavered from time to time. He received that promise years before it was fulfilled. Right? He did do the sex to Hagar. So? Yeah. He tried to make it happen. Sarah gets blamed for it, but it’s not like Abraham fought her, and he wasn’t drugged. Odds are he had to “lay” with Hagar multiple times to make Ishmael. I’m sure he hated doing it.

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Nik Curfman 12/15/20 Nik Curfman 12/15/20

Journal: #148 Not My(Dating) Story PT. 2

What I love about Phil’s story is his patience. He didn’t rush the groove, because Lord knows he did not lack opportunity. On the other side, I know people who did rushed into marriage, and they suffered the consequences of impatience.

This is the second installment of my dating stories meant to encourage myself and other single people. In the intro I wrote about my heart break earlier this year. Part 1 is about Bob and his path to Kelly. Bob overcame his pain and cynicism to go after Kelly, and they are wonderful together.

Dating isn’t easy. There’s no perfect person. But, God is good. Take heart. Part 2 is the story of Phil, my Australian brother.

As we shuffled into the elevator, Phil turned to me and in a playfully serious tone said,”Be prepared. Emma isn’t like anyone I’ve ever dated.” In the 13 years we knew each other, Phil rarely prepared me to meet one of his girlfriends. They came and went, and most of the time I didn’t know their names. For whatever reason Emma was unique, and Phil wanted me to meet her.

Phil Is The Man

Phil is a man’s man, a Hemingway character come to life. He’s from Oz (the aforementioned Australia), climbs mountains, drinks like a sailor, and oozes confidence. He knows karate and speaks his mind. And as if he needed it, the accent made him irresistible to the ladies.

I met Phil in the summer of 2003, and instantly felt inferior. He was everything I wasn’t but wanted to be. My life seemed to be falling apart at every turn, and he never lost he cool. In truth, Phil face as much or more adversity as I did during those days. He just knew how to navigate it.

We met because I took an internship at his school. I’m thankful I was given the opportunity to work for Phil. He’s one of those people God used to flip my life from one path to another. He showed me what grace looks like- when one person allows another to be imperfect. Through Phil, the Lord began to build in me the concept of love we know as agape love. It is deep, and doesn’t need emotion to endure.

I don’t know where I’d be without my friend Phil.

The Dating and Waiting

Like I mentioned earlier, Phil rarely talked about his lady friends. His dating pattern was consistent, date and move on to the next. Before Emma, I recall one serious interest: Becca. They seemed to be a good fit. They both loved being outside, and she could handle his bravado. The only problem was she didn’t want him.

At the time when Becca said no to Phil, he was 35. I know what that feels like. Rejected at 25 sucks, but you pick yourself up. At 35, it’s natural to wonder “is this gonna happen for me.” I’m sure Phil had those thoughts. It’s tempting to get desperate. Phil didn’t.

He met Emma 10 years later.

Emma Is Different

Unlike Bob and Kelly, I would not have put Phil and Emma together. She’s from Texas, neat, orderly, and believes in etiquette. Her politics are on the right side of center while Phil maintains his more socialistic Aussie values. And, she’s a bit younger than him…by 15 years. Despite all of it, they are perfect together.

I want to clarify. They are not perfect, but they are meant for each other. Who could’ve seen it coming? I didn’t. Phil didn’t. When Becca rejected Phil, Emma was a teenager. Yet, this is God’s goodness too.

Weird Encouragement

When I start to sink under the weight of dating self-pity, I think about Phil. Even before he met Emma, I’d think “Phil is nine years older than me. I can make it too.” Now that he’s married I still take comfort in the knowledge a man as awesome as Phil was single into his late 40’s. (Sh*t, I’ve known lesser men to who were married, divorced, and remarried before Phil made it to the alter.)

The True Lesson

The tricky part is what we label as patience. Sometimes we call fear patience. We pass on something good because we are broken and afraid to fail. But, when our heart is united with His we let go of anxiety and pain. What that looks like can be getting married at 18 or 45.

The biggest open secret in the Universe is this: When we let go of control and let the Lord lead, our lives with twist and churn, and are greater than we could plan. Following the Lord, running after His best, isn’t a formula. It’s a relationship based on trust and faith.

Be like Phil. Follow the Lord. Let Him lead. Stay patient. He’s got your back.

Lord, thank you for Phil. His influence in my life is without equal. Thank you for rewarding his trust and patience in You. And thank you for allowing me to see it.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/2/20 Nik Curfman 12/2/20

Journal: #135 Laughing & Crying

It’s not the first time I laughed and cried in the same instant. I assume it won’t be the last. I want to keep walking into the fog with Him, and that means being honest and naked. It means showing Him my heart and letting Him do what only He can with it.

I believe the latter months of 2020 proved to be the toughest yet. That f*cking coronavirus isn’t going away. Joe Biden will be the next President? And, my motivation took a dive. My eyes lowered from what was possible to what is, and I began to focus on looming failure and embarrassment.

Still, almost robotically, I went on walks in the forest, stuck to my diet, and wrote. Oh, I wrote. I completed my third journal of the year, and over 60 blog posts. More than that, the Lord told be to stick with Him, to keep showing up, so I did. For the first time in my life, when the clouds gathered, I didn’t run. I stood and let the darkness come.

I have a term for this given to me by the Lord over the summer: The Fog. It is a place of trust between me and the Lord, where it’s me and Him. No plans or goals, no expectations. I wrote about the Fog back in September.

This morning I am still alternating laughs with tears, overwhelmed by the goodness of God. He is not the humorless mob boss sitting in the corner, stroking His mustache. He’s the goofy, big-eared kid who doesn’t give a flying-f-ck what anyone else thinks about Him, the Eternal Optimist, the Forever Patient, the Always Kind, the Giver of the Best Gifts, the Relentless Hunter.
The Comic. The Jokester. The Creator of Comedy and Infinite Joy.

This morning I felt the weight of the world on my chest as I walked up the hill from my apartment. Tears ran down my face as I prayed. What happened, and why am I worried about everyone? For starters, I began to take responsibility for other people and their outcomes. That’s a deep hole of despair if unchecked. Then I dug a little deeper. Why did I want a plan? A goal? Something monumental to point at? Oh, that’s right. I’m afraid to date a woman with my current answer: I want to love people. What kind of a plan is that?

When I remind myself what my calling is- to love people- I know my answer is good enough. It’s good enough for me. It’s gonna be good enough for a lady friend, or…she ain’t gonna be my lady friend very long.

I walked a little further, and turned down a side street where retired folks live in mobile homes. Some of them have put out Christmas lights, and most have a dog or two. Although I felt lighter than before, my heart remained heavy. I tried every trick I knew to give it life, but nothing worked.

In a moment of faith and frustration I demanded, “Lord, I need you to be God. Heal my heart. I can’t fix it.” Instantly, I began to laugh while I weeped. It’s a feeling I can’t explain, a mix of complex emotions, of grief and joy. This is God being who I need Him to be, present in my pain. His hands, full of life and love.

I’d like to be one of those old people, watching from the front porch. I wonder what they think about me as I laugh and cry. I hope they know the wondrous God the way I do. I hope they know He will carry them when they grow weary and need love.

Thank you Lord for being my friend and amazing God. Thank for sticking to me like sap on stump. Give me grace and joy today, shower my friends with your love and kindness.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/1/20 Nik Curfman 12/1/20

Journal: #134 Not My Story PT. I

When I think about my story I take comfort in Bob’s journey to Kelly. His path included some unhealthy relationships, some false starts, and a broken heart. He overcame shame and despair to get to her, and I’m beyond proud of him.

At the age of 40 and as each year passes, my desire to find a good lady and start a family grows. I want a friend, a partner, and life long companion. It follows I am officially tired of being single. It’s a rather new state of being for me. In late 2015, as I stood (alone) in awe of the Redwoods, I first felt the pure desire for a wife. I was 35.

Early this year, I thought I had her, the one. I felt ready. And the breakup hit me the hardest of any so far. I wanted her, despite all problems and flaws in our relationship. Such is life. I’m too old and too wise to self destruct this time. I know I did my best, and I’ll do better with the next girlfriend.

I had a true battle for my wits last Sunday, and I wrote about in the Intro to this series. My way out of self-pity and hopelessness starts with gratitude and grace. Sunday, as I began to thank God for my friends, I remembered Bob, Kyle, Mitch, and Nixon. I thought about their roads to marriage. It gave me joy to know each of them has fought and won their personal wars to get to the alter.

This is the story of Bob.

Fast Friends

I met Bob on fall afternoon in Charlotte, North Carolina. My sister invited him our bon fire, and I’m thankful she did. He was lanky with thin brown hair and a six pack of Miller High Life tucked under his arm. He laughed easy and was confident without being a chode. That day, Bob and I became instant friends.

Over the last 15 years, I watched him date a number of different woman and turn down many more. He’s loaded with southern charm and great smile, so he had to swat them away. I admired how easy he made it look with women.

2010: The Beginning of Hell

In early 2010, Bob and I leased a small house in the south Charlotte. The next four years were some of the most difficult of my life, his life too. We both ended up in therapy and pushed the limits of self-destructive behaviors. In many ways, our lives mirrored each other. We both dated a bit, got into an unhealthy relationships, then self medicated with cigarettes, porn, and booze.

We both hit that hopeless point many immature people do. It’s the place when life beats you down after everyone else makes it look easy. To make matters worse, our community began to fall apart. Married couples began to divorce, cancer took a father of four young children, drug addiction took another.

When you’ve failed, when your community has failed, when the couples who didn’t divorce seem to hate each other, marriage isn’t a blessing. It appeared to be a death sentence to be avoided. Bob and I openly asked “why would anyone get married? What’s good about it?”

God is Always Moving

Fortunately, the Lord is good and has plans for us. I moved to Redding in 2014, and Bob got a one-bedroom brick apartment near swanky South End. I found a place to breath and relax, and Bob began to date a new lady. It was the first time either of us dated in three years.

Megan

Bob dated Megan for over a year, and started to get serious about his future with her. He left his secure company job to go into contract work. The freedom allowed him to move to a new city, the city where Megan lived. Just a month before the big move, she pulled the plug. Bob was devastated.

He loved Megan. He wanted to marry her and have children with her, and put action behind his words of devotion. And she said “no, not you.” I hated her for it. I believe my official response to Bob when he texted me was “she f*cked up.”

It was a real kick to the nads for Bob. He’s a great guy and would’ve been a great husband. He overcame a lot of insecurity, doubt, and shame to date Megan. He fought through triggers and fears, and she said no. To make matters worse, Megan reunited with her an ex-boyfriend and married within a year. Double kick to the nads.

Other Failures

The years that followed were an uneven mix of success and disappointment. It was successful because Bob continued to fight his fears and triggers. And, it was disappointing because that’s what internet/app dating is. (Certainly, some people find success on the dating apps. I was officiant of one such wedding.)

During this time, Bob refined what he knew he wanted and what he needed in a relationship. Then in the summer of 2018 he was given the number of an artist in her early 30’s. Bob waited a month before he did anything with it. Instead, he did what we do in the age of the internet. He stalked her social media to get a feel for who this woman is. Then, on a whim, Bob went to her art show.

Kelly Is The One

She didn’t know he was coming, but Kelly was still nervous when she saw him for the first time. (Because, yes, Kelly stalked Bob’s social media too.) Bob was his normal charming self. He engaged with Kelly and her friends, exchanging jokes and stories. Before he left, Bob threw out an invitation to the group to come to his improv show. Kelly wanted a personal invite. To her satisfaction, just before Bob walked out the door, she got one.

From the start, I knew Kelly was different. Even though Bob battled shame triggers and his past, he continued to date Kelly. They have the same kind of quirks and grace in life. They laugh at the same jokes and love to eat good food. Bob found what he was looking for, and Kelly did too.

In the grand scheme of things, Bob and Kelly didn’t date long before they were engaged and got married. It was about 15 months in total.

I am still in a bit of shock, even as I type these words. She’s so amazing and good for Bob. I genuinely liked some of Bob’s previous girlfriends, most of them are good people. But…I love Kelly. She’s everything I wanted for Bob and I’ll do whatever a friend can do to make sure they succeed.

My heart was crushed earlier this year, by a great woman. And, I know I will survive. I choose to believe I will find my Kelly. The path to my wife just got more interesting, and I will trust the Lord to bring me His best. I think it’s called faith. Fear is not an option.

Lord, thank you for Bob and his friendship. I love that guy as much as I could love anyone. I’m so grateful he found Kelly. Bless their socks off and pour out your love and joy on their lives.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/29/20 Nik Curfman 11/29/20

Journal: #132 Not My Story Intro

As I turned to walk back to my car I turned my heart toward the sky and gave thanks for the beautiful weather, the trail, and my friends. I dove into what my friends mean to me. My prayer led to tears of joy as I thought about Bob and Nixon*, and then…I thought about their wives and the paths that led to them.

One of my most annoying tendencies is to hang onto pain and rejection. I wish I was that guy who could break up with someone and move on, but it’s not my history. This morning I stood in forest and shook my fists in frustration. Why am I like this? Why do I want someone who doesn’t want me?

My dating history is full of rejection. In almost every relationship of my life, I was dumped. When I look back on what I did wrong and what I can change, I have obvious errors and areas of improvement. Regardless, I was never a bad boyfriend. I loved without regret and wanted the best for each lady. So why do I keep being rejected?

What Do I Want?

I want a confident woman and refuse to define someone. I have and continue to ask “what do you want?” I ask that question because I do not accept the trope that women are lesser humans who “need a man.” And, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for emotional intelligence and brave communication. Women are not victims even though we live in a world that allows them to be.

I aspire to be a powerful man, and I want to partner with a powerful woman. I want a lady who will challenge me and back me up, because that’s what I plan to be for her. There’s nothing less sexy than the words “I don’t know.” (To be gracious, “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer on occasion, but not as a way of life. People who perpetually don’t know what they want don’t know who they are, or they are afraid to be who they are.)

Recent History

The frustrating truth about my last girlfriend is she showed glimpses of being a powerful woman. I knew I wanted to date her the day she told me I was wrong about an issue at work. It was awesome, because she was right. I loved that she used her voice and insight to speak into the inner workings of complex business relationships.

By the end of our relationship she was riddle with anxiety, so a breakup was the best move. She seemed determine to prove me wrong about how special I think she is. Painfully, I admitted she needed space to level out and find her center in Jesus. When she came to break up with me, I let her go without a fight. I still consider her a friend, and pray for blessings on her life.

We broke up six months ago, and most of the time I have my heart and mind looking forward. Yet, part of me still hangs onto to her, to who she is, despite the heart ache. In those moment, I engage my new weapons in the fight with rejection and fear: questions and gratitude.

What’s true? It’s not her or nobody? You don’t know the future. You want a woman who wants you.

Gratitude Is A Weapon

After I thought about Bob and Nixon, I thought about Kyle and Mitch. Each of these men have a unique marriage story. All of them faced failure and rejection, and all of them are in healthy, functional marriages. I’m happy for and proud of each man.

Most importantly, I’m glad the Holy Spirit shifted my vision as I struggle with my journey toward marriage. Gratitude opens doors to see paths hidden by shame. My dating history is not my story, just part of it. Over the coming week I will detail the story of each man and where I find encouragement in it. For anyone looking for stories of redemption, grace, and the kindness of God, stay tuned.

Happy Sunday.

*For the sake of this series, I changed their names and will omit a few details. My intent is to tell my story which includes the stories of others. I have no desire to expose or use anyone.