Journal: #134 Not My Story PT. I

Daily Journal

Dec 1

At the age of 40 and as each year passes, my desire to find a good lady and start a family grows. I want a friend, a partner, and life long companion. It follows I am officially tired of being single. It’s a rather new state of being for me. In late 2015, as I stood (alone) in awe of the Redwoods, I first felt the pure desire for a wife. I was 35.

Early this year, I thought I had her, the one. I felt ready. And the breakup hit me the hardest of any so far. I wanted her, despite all problems and flaws in our relationship. Such is life. I’m too old and too wise to self destruct this time. I know I did my best, and I’ll do better with the next girlfriend.

I had a true battle for my wits last Sunday, and I wrote about in the Intro to this series. My way out of self-pity and hopelessness starts with gratitude and grace. Sunday, as I began to thank God for my friends, I remembered Bob, Kyle, Mitch, and Nixon. I thought about their roads to marriage. It gave me joy to know each of them has fought and won their personal wars to get to the alter.

This is the story of Bob.

Fast Friends

I met Bob on fall afternoon in Charlotte, North Carolina. My sister invited him our bon fire, and I’m thankful she did. He was lanky with thin brown hair and a six pack of Miller High Life tucked under his arm. He laughed easy and was confident without being a chode. That day, Bob and I became instant friends.

Over the last 15 years, I watched him date a number of different woman and turn down many more. He’s loaded with southern charm and great smile, so he had to swat them away. I admired how easy he made it look with women.

2010: The Beginning of Hell

In early 2010, Bob and I leased a small house in the south Charlotte. The next four years were some of the most difficult of my life, his life too. We both ended up in therapy and pushed the limits of self-destructive behaviors. In many ways, our lives mirrored each other. We both dated a bit, got into an unhealthy relationships, then self medicated with cigarettes, porn, and booze.

We both hit that hopeless point many immature people do. It’s the place when life beats you down after everyone else makes it look easy. To make matters worse, our community began to fall apart. Married couples began to divorce, cancer took a father of four young children, drug addiction took another.

When you’ve failed, when your community has failed, when the couples who didn’t divorce seem to hate each other, marriage isn’t a blessing. It appeared to be a death sentence to be avoided. Bob and I openly asked “why would anyone get married? What’s good about it?”

God is Always Moving

Fortunately, the Lord is good and has plans for us. I moved to Redding in 2014, and Bob got a one-bedroom brick apartment near swanky South End. I found a place to breath and relax, and Bob began to date a new lady. It was the first time either of us dated in three years.

Megan

Bob dated Megan for over a year, and started to get serious about his future with her. He left his secure company job to go into contract work. The freedom allowed him to move to a new city, the city where Megan lived. Just a month before the big move, she pulled the plug. Bob was devastated.

He loved Megan. He wanted to marry her and have children with her, and put action behind his words of devotion. And she said “no, not you.” I hated her for it. I believe my official response to Bob when he texted me was “she f*cked up.”

It was a real kick to the nads for Bob. He’s a great guy and would’ve been a great husband. He overcame a lot of insecurity, doubt, and shame to date Megan. He fought through triggers and fears, and she said no. To make matters worse, Megan reunited with her an ex-boyfriend and married within a year. Double kick to the nads.

Other Failures

The years that followed were an uneven mix of success and disappointment. It was successful because Bob continued to fight his fears and triggers. And, it was disappointing because that’s what internet/app dating is. (Certainly, some people find success on the dating apps. I was officiant of one such wedding.)

During this time, Bob refined what he knew he wanted and what he needed in a relationship. Then in the summer of 2018 he was given the number of an artist in her early 30’s. Bob waited a month before he did anything with it. Instead, he did what we do in the age of the internet. He stalked her social media to get a feel for who this woman is. Then, on a whim, Bob went to her art show.

Kelly Is The One

She didn’t know he was coming, but Kelly was still nervous when she saw him for the first time. (Because, yes, Kelly stalked Bob’s social media too.) Bob was his normal charming self. He engaged with Kelly and her friends, exchanging jokes and stories. Before he left, Bob threw out an invitation to the group to come to his improv show. Kelly wanted a personal invite. To her satisfaction, just before Bob walked out the door, she got one.

From the start, I knew Kelly was different. Even though Bob battled shame triggers and his past, he continued to date Kelly. They have the same kind of quirks and grace in life. They laugh at the same jokes and love to eat good food. Bob found what he was looking for, and Kelly did too.

In the grand scheme of things, Bob and Kelly didn’t date long before they were engaged and got married. It was about 15 months in total.

I am still in a bit of shock, even as I type these words. She’s so amazing and good for Bob. I genuinely liked some of Bob’s previous girlfriends, most of them are good people. But…I love Kelly. She’s everything I wanted for Bob and I’ll do whatever a friend can do to make sure they succeed.

When I think about my story I take comfort in Bob’s journey to Kelly. His path included some unhealthy relationships, some false starts, and a broken heart. He overcame shame and despair to get to her, and I’m beyond proud of him.

My heart was crushed earlier this year, by a great woman. And, I know I will survive. I choose to believe I will find my Kelly. The path to my wife just got more interesting, and I will trust the Lord to bring me His best. I think it’s called faith. Fear is not an option.

Lord, thank you for Bob and his friendship. I love that guy as much as I could love anyone. I’m so grateful he found Kelly. Bless their socks off and pour out your love and joy on their lives.

Amen.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

MarriageDatingFrustration

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com