Journal: #133 Words, Giver or Destroyer of Life

Daily Journal

Nov 30

In August I intentionally stopped talking a long-time friend, mainly because I ran out of subjects to discuss. The list was already short, and every year grew shorter. Every year she grows a little more bitter and harsh. Her jokes aren’t as cute, and her words increasingly full of judgement.

A month ago she asked why I stopped talking to her- which caught me by surprise. I took my time in reply. I wanted to be honest, but I don’t think I communicated what I wanted to communicate. Her retort basically was “you’re too sensitive, intolerant, and you cut people out of your life.”

I AM Who I Am

For starters, yes I am sensitive. Can’t deny it. I feel things deeply, and I don’t love it all the time. I wish a could be a cold asshole sometimes, but I can’t. I won’t argue with the idea I am sensitive. What I take issue with is her assertion I can’t handle conflict. That’s bullshit. I swim in conflict.

On Conflict

I didn’t vote for President Trump in the recent election, and I think he’s acting like a huge baby now. Most of my family and friends did vote for President Trump. They believe the election was rigged (without a shred of real evidence. An accusation is not evidence.) As a result, I’ve had a number of tough conversations with people I love and cherish over the last four weeks. ALL of them were civic and respectful. I repeat. All of my conversations about one of the most controversial topics of my lifetime, zero hurt feelings.

Why? Because no one diminished the other person or mocked them. No one judged those who disagreed with them. They did not turn the conversation into a joke. My friend? That’s what she does. She uses snarky sarcasm as a defensive weapon, to protect herself.

On Tolerance

My entire life I’ve aspired to be an independent thinker and doer. As anyone with similar ideals can testify, it is often a lonely place. I'd be a miserable f-ck if I wasn’t tolerant of people, their behaviors, and opinions. Again, I refer to the Trump example. I love my family and friends, and I do not disqualify them based on their views and opinions.

Cutting People Out

Guilty. I absolutely cut people out of my life. I won’t tolerate abuse or being shit on. No apology is forth coming from me on the subject. Love is something I want to have for all people at all times; however, the friendship we bestow upon each is a privilege.

To that point I want to offer this example:

I once dated an abusive drug addict. She hit me, stole money from me, and lied to anyone who would listen about how I treated her. Am I suppose to remain friends with her? Am I suppose to keep this door open?

No. Most people would agree. I have the right to love myself and remove her from my life. Therefore, we aren’t arguing about whether “cutting people out” is itself good or bad, only the application. Every single person has the right to say who can and cannot be in their life.

Have I cut people off who maybe deserved better? Yes. I admit that. The first time I really cut people out of my life, I did it poorly. I owed them more than I gave. And…I stand by the decision.

It was a couple. I was the best man in their wedding. The last 2-3 years of our friendship, they treated my like shit. Truly. Their behavior included public embarrassments(she yelled at me in public settings multiple times), broken promises, and plenty of other douche moments. They earned it. Still, I owed them a chance to make amends.

I like to believe I developed how to set boundaries. I won’t apologize for it.

Am I Wrong?

I believe every relationship succeeds because two people work to make it work. Conversely, every failed relationship is on two people. I can’t control anyone- a true blessing. All I can do is control what I do and say. With this in mind I ask, am I wrong (about any of this)? Is there any validity to what my friend is saying?

To her three main assertions, no. She’s wrong. I’m not going to apologize for being sensitive or having boundaries. And, I know I’m a tolerant man.

One more subtle point she made, I do believe has more weight, is how I go silent. That’s real. She probably doesn’t even know how real it is. I go silent because I’m afraid to speak my mind. And I’ve held back on my friend.

This is an opportunity for me to be me, to say the things I would say if I weren’t scared of losing a friend.

Life and Death

Last week I posted this blog. In it, I discuss what I’ve learned in 2020 including how to be consistent. The main example I use is the power of the tongue and positive affirmation. My life is on completely different track in large part to what I tell myself about the promises of God. Everyday, throughout the day, I confess the love and kindness of the Lord over my life.

(And if you need more reason to change what you say, science supports what the Bible preaches. Our words matter. Cutting sarcasm, complaints, mockery, you name it. They all have a negative effect on our hearts and brains. It’s not cute or funny. It’s harmful when we pull ourselves and other people down.)

About My Friend

What bothers me isn’t the disagreement or difference of opinion. It’s the other stuff. Whenever she calls me a jerk or butt face. It’s not funny. Twenty years ago when we thought we’d take over the world, it was funny. At 40, it just looks immature and childish.

The bigger problem is my friend is stuck, and she’s been stuck for a while. Her life hasn’t gone to plan, and we all know what that feels like. What she needs is friend willing to be her friend and call her to a higher plane of existence. I’m not sure that’s my job.

What I can do is remain patient and set boundaries. Contrary to what she might think, I’m not trying to cut her out of my life. And I don’t think I’d be a good friend if I continued to patronize her. I love her, but I’m not going to sit and let her trash everything and everyone around her. That’s not love either.

I don’t know how this will work out. Boundaries and mutual respect often look like control to codependent people who are stuck in cycles of shame and disappointment. I can handle it, but I’m not sure she will adapt to the changes. Maybe? We’ll see.

Lord, guide me. I’m imperfect and prone to make mistakes. I want to love my friend, so show me how to do that.

Amen.

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WordsWords MatterLoveBoundariesFriendship

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com