Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/9/22 Nik Curfman 1/9/22

Vol II: #47 The Entertainment Fast Defined

In short, for my purpose entertainment is an inclusive concept. I’m not going to give myself wiggle room. The spirit of this fast is to remove an idol from life, to make room for more of the good stuff. I don’t believe the removal of one thing will automatically cure wait ails me, but it will provide the needed space for the healing to occur.

In yesterday’s post, I wrote about my long affair with TV and entertainment. I also mentioned the beginning of my commitment to be TV-free for a year. Today, I will define what I consider to be “TV” and the boundaries of my commitment.

In the age of streaming, I think it’s best if I start with a definition of TV. I used the word TV liberally in my post yesterday, but today it makes sense to define it in broader terms of entertainment. The internet and smart devices turned all of our screens into little TVs, and entertainment is more than the network programming I grew up watching in the ’80s. (Ten-year-old Nik would’ve peed himself if he knew he could watch football from a handheld video phone.)

For the purpose of my Entertainment Fast, I define entertainment as the following:

Entertain is any recorded or live streamed, broadcast, or stored file program, sporting event, or movie. This includes any streamed show from an app such as Netflix or Apple+, broadcast from network TV, YouTube videos, and DVDs. It also includes old movies, any and every sporting event- including the coming Winter Olympics-, sitcoms, reality TV, documentaires, etc.

Now that we have a rough definition of what is considered entertainment, the next task is to set the rules. Should I run from the room screaming when my roommate flips on the living room TV? Must I avoid ESPN.com for its video clips? Must I pluck out my eye if I watch an episode of Law and Order- for the bad acting, amiright? Below are what I think are five six good rules for the next year.

When I’m home, no entertainment unless invited to do so by my roommate. So, when Ben fires up the TV, I will casually excuse myself soon after. If Ben invites me to watch a show or movie- at home or in the theatre- I give myself permission to accept or decline his invitation.
When I’m visiting family or friends, entertainment is ok as a means of social interaction. The Super Bowl is in February and I’ll go watch it at a friend’s house. This is acceptable because it’s an invitation to be with other people.
When I’m visiting family or friends, entertainment is not ok as a means of distraction or self-medication.
I will allow myself to watch movies or videos for relevant educational and health-related purposes. My art classes are pre-recorded online classes, so I will continue to watch them, as are my yoga classes. If I want to learn how to make falafel, I’ll log onto YouTube. What doesn’t qualify would be a series of videos on 18th century Prussia. While educational, they aren’t relevant. If I genuinely want to learn about Prussian history, books still exist.
Video highlight clips of news and sports are ok. Remember, this fast isn’t about being cut off from the world. It’s about putting my life in proper priority. Watching the occasional clips of news or sports is very different than watching an entire 4-hour game.
OOPS. Adding a sixth! All rules are suspended on a plane. I can’t read on a plane, and movies help pass the time. (I’m not much of a podcast listener.)

As of today, the biggest hurdle is going to be what I do when my mind is desperate to “veg out.” I feel that way right now. My mind is telling me I want to watch a nature documentary. It doesn’t, but that’s what it’s telling me. So, I assume I will go through an adjustment period. My brain is going to be rewired and I don’t know how long it’s going to take.

Nik Curfman 1/25/21 Nik Curfman 1/25/21

Journal: #217 Old Friends, The Good & The Not

I love my friend AND I’m not required to put up with his shit. The boundaries remained intact, and I’ll enforce them. I don’t want anything from my old friend, but I’m worried he wants something from me. All I have is Jesus. So whatever he wants, that’s what he’s going to get.

I’m tired and want to go to bed. Despite how I feel I’m not going to end my day without a some gratitude and a question.

To begin, I spent the day seeing old friends and enjoying their company. The day was jammed to brim with short but meaningful conversations. It started by saying goodbye to my friend Blake, then on the Nathan’s, followed by Brandon and Trevor, then Chris. My busy day ended with an evening visit to my brother’s house.

I ate a pile of terrible food. It was delicious. I discussed mortgages, both side of the political divide, football, and Jesus. It’s a day I am grateful to have and could relive a thousand times over. The likelihood is small, so I’ll savor today for what it was.

Now. Onto my question.

Late last night I received a messages from the sister of an old friend. He’s “looking for me.” I find humor in the statement because, A) I’m not hiding, and B) I have the exact same phone number since 2011. The sister requested my number to pass to her brother. I paused to consider my choices.

My old friend was like a little brother to me. I was his advocate when life seemed unfair, gave him opportunities when no one would, and routinely forgave his intentional mistakes. In 2013, after his repeated degradation of people I love, I was forced to set clear boundaries with him. I told him he couldn’t drink at my house or talk trash about my friends. I haven’t seen him since that day.

Here I am eight years later. I have two thoughts about letting this man back into my life.

What’s the worst that could happen? Love hopes all things.
I don’t want to put up with his shit.

Today, I responded to the message from his sister. I gave her my number to pass along with the note “It’s the same number I’ve always have.” The truth is I never went anywhere. He’s the one who disappeared.

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Nik Curfman 12/5/20 Nik Curfman 12/5/20

Journal: #138 Yes, There Is Life On The Other Side

If you’re reading this and you think you need to let someone go, be assured. There is something greater on the other side, because you are making room for it to happen. It’s a move of faith. God will bring you more than you thought was available.

I wrote several intros to this post. One was quite boring, and another lacked the honesty I want to be a hallmark of my writing. I can complicate a simple thing, so here’s the gist of the this post: I made some big life changes that resulted in the loss of a few relationships. It sucks…and…I made new healthy friendships. Hurt people attract hurt people, and healthy people attract healthy people.

The Setup

Whenever I make big life changes I am usually worried about what I will find on the other side. Big life changes usually include a change in how I associate with the people around me, particularly my friends and family. It’s more obvious when I moved across the country to northern California, and a little less obvious when I stopped smoking cigarettes.

This year, a year of growth and changes, I decided to change how I relate to the world. I stopped treating my body like a garbage dump, and prioritized my walk with the Lord. These choices meant I turn down offers of junk food and leave parties early.

Lifestyle changes like diet and exercise are usually acceptable to friends and family. The tough one is asking a loved one to change the relationship.

Taking the Risk

I have two desires that appear to compete with each other. The first desire is to love myself. It includes eating well, exercising, and believing in myself. The second is to love people well. I want to be a source of love and strength for the people around me. On the surface, it seems possible to love myself and others well. But, it isn’t, not at all times.

In the effort to love myself, I had to set boundaries. Fundamentally, boundaries are a way to say “our relationship is broken, but it doesn’t have to be.” As of this writing, my attempts to set boundaries cost me five friendships. I stated how the relationship was broken, they did not agree.

Hurt People, Hurt People

Not everyone responded poorly. My roommate stuck with me when I told him I would probably never want to go to Napa Valley, and despite my changes in diet (prior to this year we usually ate dinner together, but we no longer eat the same foods.) In addition, I’m thankful my customers respect my hours of operation. I no longer spend nights and weekends working on “emergency projects.” Thank God.

As for those who did not respond well, I get it. All of them are hurting people. They see boundaries as judgment of who they are, rather than a chance to be powerful. One lady friend said I was too sensitive, another said I am controlling. A couple in Colorado said I let them down. The exact quote was from them was “we’re bummed we ever trusted you.”

In each situation, the response I received confirmed I made the right call.

Friends Don’t Abuse Friends

I’ve read books, spent hours in counseling, and prayed about it. After years of feeling like I must suffer the abuse of others, I am believe that is a lie. Love is a must, friendship isn’t.

It is a lie to believe love equals doormat. I spent a ton of time reading the Gospels since 2017. Jesus was no push over. Yes, He sacrificed Himself. And, we often see it the wrong way. He crucifixion was unavoidable. He was murdered, and was going to be murdered. The pharisees wanted Him dead. Jesus did not want to die. (Fairly certain He asked for such a fate to pass from Him.)

Let’s back up a bit, and I can’t recall Jesus letting someone be a dick to Him. I can’t recall Jesus enduring the selfishness of others or their insecurity. He challenged His friends and confronted their flaws. We also know from scripture, Jesus had more than 12 disciples at one point. The 12 we know by name are those who stuck with Him. Jesus didn’t compromise His vision or who He was.

All too often we are told to compromise our peace and well-being “for others.” This is not the Gospel. Sacrifice is not self-abuse. Jesus didn’t abuse Himself.

My picture of abuse has evolved over the years. I now consider manipulation a form of abuse, because it usually demands the devaluation of one or more people. It uses statements like “if you loved me you would,” and “I thought you were the kind of person who.” These are shaming statements meant to force us into submission.

I also consider judgment to be a form of abuse. It is one I know well. I’ve been as judgmental as one can be. It is a weapon I’ve aimed at myself and others. I do not accept this behavior from myself or other people. True friendship has growth imbedded in its nature. It seeks greater love.

A Word About Grace

Abuse and manipulation are part of life, and it is impossible to build a life devoid of them. I am not trying to do that. Jesus didn’t dismiss His flawed followers for their weakness (a trait He continues to exhibit, thankfully.) Grace is real and required to make it through life. Love covers all the sins.

What I am getting at is, it’s ok to let people go. When they want to sink into cynicism or justify verbal abuse, let them go. Keep the light on, and the door open. But, let them go.

My Promise

I avoid tough conversation because I am afraid of how the other person will respond. I think it’s a common concern for many, and the main reason we suffer the bullshit of others. I am afraid of being alone and of being seen as unkind or unloving. It’s a powerful combination of fear.

The truth of my experience is this: When I move toward personal growth and love, I discover and grow in relationships with people doing the same. An adjustment period always exists, but more joy and love is on the other side.

This morning I went for coffee with Hudson, a new friend. We discussed his coming engagement, the Thanksgiving weekend, and the goodness of Jesus in our lives. It was awesome. My heart wasn’t heavy or discouraged after I left. I got to talk about what excites me and what gives me life.

I want more of it.

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Nik Curfman 11/30/20 Nik Curfman 11/30/20

Journal: #133 Words, Giver or Destroyer of Life

What bothers me isn’t the disagreement or difference of opinion. It’s the other stuff. Whenever she calls me a jerk or butt face. It’s not funny. Twenty years ago when we thought we’d take over the world, it was funny. At 40, it just looks immature and childish.

In August I intentionally stopped talking a long-time friend, mainly because I ran out of subjects to discuss. The list was already short, and every year grew shorter. Every year she grows a little more bitter and harsh. Her jokes aren’t as cute, and her words increasingly full of judgement.

A month ago she asked why I stopped talking to her- which caught me by surprise. I took my time in reply. I wanted to be honest, but I don’t think I communicated what I wanted to communicate. Her retort basically was “you’re too sensitive, intolerant, and you cut people out of your life.”

I AM Who I Am

For starters, yes I am sensitive. Can’t deny it. I feel things deeply, and I don’t love it all the time. I wish a could be a cold asshole sometimes, but I can’t. I won’t argue with the idea I am sensitive. What I take issue with is her assertion I can’t handle conflict. That’s bullshit. I swim in conflict.

On Conflict

I didn’t vote for President Trump in the recent election, and I think he’s acting like a huge baby now. Most of my family and friends did vote for President Trump. They believe the election was rigged (without a shred of real evidence. An accusation is not evidence.) As a result, I’ve had a number of tough conversations with people I love and cherish over the last four weeks. ALL of them were civic and respectful. I repeat. All of my conversations about one of the most controversial topics of my lifetime, zero hurt feelings.

Why? Because no one diminished the other person or mocked them. No one judged those who disagreed with them. They did not turn the conversation into a joke. My friend? That’s what she does. She uses snarky sarcasm as a defensive weapon, to protect herself.

On Tolerance

My entire life I’ve aspired to be an independent thinker and doer. As anyone with similar ideals can testify, it is often a lonely place. I'd be a miserable f-ck if I wasn’t tolerant of people, their behaviors, and opinions. Again, I refer to the Trump example. I love my family and friends, and I do not disqualify them based on their views and opinions.

Cutting People Out

Guilty. I absolutely cut people out of my life. I won’t tolerate abuse or being shit on. No apology is forth coming from me on the subject. Love is something I want to have for all people at all times; however, the friendship we bestow upon each is a privilege.

To that point I want to offer this example:

I once dated an abusive drug addict. She hit me, stole money from me, and lied to anyone who would listen about how I treated her. Am I suppose to remain friends with her? Am I suppose to keep this door open?

No. Most people would agree. I have the right to love myself and remove her from my life. Therefore, we aren’t arguing about whether “cutting people out” is itself good or bad, only the application. Every single person has the right to say who can and cannot be in their life.

Have I cut people off who maybe deserved better? Yes. I admit that. The first time I really cut people out of my life, I did it poorly. I owed them more than I gave. And…I stand by the decision.

It was a couple. I was the best man in their wedding. The last 2-3 years of our friendship, they treated my like shit. Truly. Their behavior included public embarrassments(she yelled at me in public settings multiple times), broken promises, and plenty of other douche moments. They earned it. Still, I owed them a chance to make amends.

I like to believe I developed how to set boundaries. I won’t apologize for it.

Am I Wrong?

I believe every relationship succeeds because two people work to make it work. Conversely, every failed relationship is on two people. I can’t control anyone- a true blessing. All I can do is control what I do and say. With this in mind I ask, am I wrong (about any of this)? Is there any validity to what my friend is saying?

To her three main assertions, no. She’s wrong. I’m not going to apologize for being sensitive or having boundaries. And, I know I’m a tolerant man.

One more subtle point she made, I do believe has more weight, is how I go silent. That’s real. She probably doesn’t even know how real it is. I go silent because I’m afraid to speak my mind. And I’ve held back on my friend.

This is an opportunity for me to be me, to say the things I would say if I weren’t scared of losing a friend.

Life and Death

Last week I posted this blog. In it, I discuss what I’ve learned in 2020 including how to be consistent. The main example I use is the power of the tongue and positive affirmation. My life is on completely different track in large part to what I tell myself about the promises of God. Everyday, throughout the day, I confess the love and kindness of the Lord over my life.

(And if you need more reason to change what you say, science supports what the Bible preaches. Our words matter. Cutting sarcasm, complaints, mockery, you name it. They all have a negative effect on our hearts and brains. It’s not cute or funny. It’s harmful when we pull ourselves and other people down.)

About My Friend

The bigger problem is my friend is stuck, and she’s been stuck for a while. Her life hasn’t gone to plan, and we all know what that feels like. What she needs is friend willing to be her friend and call her to a higher plane of existence. I’m not sure that’s my job.

What I can do is remain patient and set boundaries. Contrary to what she might think, I’m not trying to cut her out of my life. And I don’t think I’d be a good friend if I continued to patronize her. I love her, but I’m not going to sit and let her trash everything and everyone around her. That’s not love either.

I don’t know how this will work out. Boundaries and mutual respect often look like control to codependent people who are stuck in cycles of shame and disappointment. I can handle it, but I’m not sure she will adapt to the changes. Maybe? We’ll see.

Lord, guide me. I’m imperfect and prone to make mistakes. I want to love my friend, so show me how to do that.

Amen.