Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 2/24/22 Nik Curfman 2/24/22

Vol II: #52 Keep Calm, Carry On

I want to write a post about the craft of writing but I feel it is a disservice to my prior post. “How can anyone write about writing when Russian is steam-rolling through Ukraine?” This is, of course, one of the plagues of our time, to going living in the face of grave circumstances, to choose joy and hope over despair or outrage, to live from the heart and never by the news.

I want to write a post about the craft of writing but I feel it is a disservice to my prior post. “How can anyone write about writing when Russian is steam-rolling through Ukraine?” This is, of course, one of the plagues of our time. The present culture demands endless contrition. Our task is to going living in the face of theses grave circumstances, to choose joy and hope over despair or outrage, to live from the heart and never by news reports.

Artistic expression always appears vain at times of war and protests but it is not. Especially now, we cannot shrink back from any aspect of who we are which demonstrates who He is. The critics will talk about appropriate times to laugh or relax. We were made to rebuke the storms and calm the seas.

Nik Curfman 1/25/22 Nik Curfman 1/25/22

Vol II: #48 COVID-19, the Destroyer of Goals

Intellect and ego demand a villain. The defendant, in this case, is COVID-19. As of today, I am still positive for the virus according to several tests. But rather than serve my pride, I choose to forget the last 20 plus days of quarantine and frustration. I have decided to laugh at the last three weeks because I can’t think of a more apt response. Nothing develops character or resolve more than winning the moments designed to test your dedication. I win not because I won, but because I will not give up the fight.

Laughing at a problem is far superior to fearing said problem. All the more, it’s best to venture headfirst into the hysterics of belly laughs and stretched cheeks when faced with a stack of crap. By any measure or means, January was not a success for Nik. The first month of 2022 was a stack of crap. Therefore, given the premise developed above, I will giggle and guffaw at the hurdles presented by December’s baby.

I am behooved to confess, I watched a few movies, and some football, and pretty much anything I wanted to consume only four days into my TV fast. The break-up with lady Television didn’t take. She’s a real temptress, easy and available. Take heart, I haven’t given up my quest to live life without boundless entertainment. What lay beyond this break-up is everything I want. In a few days, my strength will return and I’ll renew the battle.

Nik Curfman 8/11/21 Nik Curfman 8/11/21

Vol II: #14 The 80’s Lied To Us

I’m in the middle of my montage, but I don’t have a Hollywood editing crew to make it look neat and cool. It’s messy and never a straight line. And the real truth is I will never be a finished product. I will forever own places of shame in my life- areas I dare not reveal to another soul. I will, despite my desire to the contrary, piss people off and have failed relationships. Some days will be better than others. That’s just life.

The 80’s movies lied to us. Not all of them, of course, but most of the popular films are guilty. For whatever reason, most of the biggest Hollywood hits of the era are happy/feel-good movies: E.T., Karate Kid, Back to the Future, Return of the Jedi, Rocky, etc. Goonies was one of my favorites- a group of working-class kids discover a pirate’s booty. I spent hours pretending to find treasure after I saw it. Then there was Karate Kid, the story of Daniel Larusso and Mr. Miyagi. Our hero, similar to the Goonies, is from the wrong side of town. In a span of two hours, he wins the heart of a lady AND a karate tournament. It’s the dream of every straight man- beat the bad guy, then win the girl.

Almost all of these movies have a montage dedicated to the progress of the hero or heroes. These montages usually show our champion in the throws of intense practice or preparation. In the beginning, we see them fail at simple tasks or challenges. Then, over the course of three minutes and many quick cuts, they master a skill. For example, the Karate Kid had no balance as he teeters at the end of Mr. Miyagi’s rowboat. By the end of the movie, he performs his kata without a swim break. These montage moments are the lies I want to dissect moving forward.

For starters, no way Daniel LaRusso goes from karate novice to All Valley Champion in two months. That’s not real. The only way to master a skill is through years of practice or being one of the first to do it. It would’ve taken LaRusso years to catch his peers outside of the fantasies created by screenwriters and directors. He would’ve shown up to the tournament and lost promptly in his first match. That’s real life. Mr. Miyagi should’ve asked for two years.

As BSSM looms on my horizon, I’ve begun to feel the weight of uncommunicated expectations. I’m not where I want to be. I’m not as fit as I want to be or financially secure. I don’t have the career I wish I had. These are not the thoughts of a man committed to what the Lord has for him. They are the thoughts of a man concerned with approval. What if I’m not enough? Of course, I’m enough.

I know what path I walk and the Hand I hold. I am not aimless in the dark, rather guided by the Lord. What I find difficult and gracious to comprehend is how little perfection He demands of me. Honestly, it’s one of the hardest truths to live within. Jesus doesn’t ask for perfection*; He commanded pursuit. One is attainable; the other is not. Today, I run after Jesus, not a Hollywood ending.

*People often confuse what Jesus asked of us in Matthew 5 when He said “Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect.” The word “perfect” is better translated as “complete”. In this context, Jesus is asking us to love as the Father does- completely. The Father loves us, Himself, and His enemies. His love is- through this lens- complete for all people/beings. This is what it means to be complete: to love the person in front of you including the person in the mirror, your nosy neighbor, and annoying coworkers.

Nik Curfman 5/29/21 Nik Curfman 5/29/21

Journal: #292 My Future, My Present

My progression isn’t going to be smooth. But, I have a built-in source of encouragement. This blog is nearly a year old. While I would love more readers, I worked past the need for outside validation. I want my writing to be engaging and honest. I want it to give value to the reader beyond me. Eleven months in, I am closer to that goal than ever. I’m stoked for year two. If I look at trading and creating with the same patient eyes, the next year will be rough but worth it.

I have a picture of success, and it’s not me— not what I look like today. In my mind, I’m sipping coffee from a mug(something I never do), dressed in trendy business casual clothes, and confident. I trade stocks in the morning and create art in the afternoon. Somewhere between those two professions, I sneak away to write or have coffee with a friend. My community recognizes my expertise which leads to many such beverage meetings. Eventually, I make my way home to the farm outside Redding. The drone of the day fades as I focus on my family. My wife sips wine and recalls her day as I make dinner. Our toddler is busy turning the living room into a hellscape of toys and overturned furniture.

That picture is devoid of many important aspects of my life, such as time spent with the Lord and miracle opportunities. It doesn’t include texting my mom, the moments I check Reddit or one-off projects. Also missing are the strains of life— inevitable bad news, random jerks, and the normal aches of being human. Maybe the wife doesn’t want to have sex, again, and I deal with the rejection. Or perhaps the county planning board declined my plans to develop my farm. Bastards. (Shasta County is conservative by California standards but not by Southern standards.) Then there’s the missionary couple staying in one of our guest homes. They are young and demanding. A light bulb broke, so I head out to change it. However, I don’t know why they can’t do it.

My reality on May 29th, 2021, seems very distant from the picture in my head. Today, I slept in before lazily making my way to an empty office. I intended to further my day trading education, which I did. Additionally, I opened my trading account on Trade Station. Later today I will complete several drawing lessons as well as the homework for each. No wife or girlfriend. No coffee with friends. No farm. I exist in the gap, the space from between where I was and where I want to be.

I sometimes forget how big my life shifts are. I’m learning new skills and developing a brand new type of self-discipline. Ultimately my success* as an investor or artist depends entirely on my work. Both professions are brutal for beginners; therefore, I must prepare to suffer. It’s only reasonable to do so. The Nik of May 2022 will be unlike the Nik of 2020 or before. He’ll be closer to the man in the picture described at the top, but not quite. I’ll continue to learn and grow as a writer, investor, and artist. The plans for the coming year also include some dates. I could have a girlfriend by then too^. Wouldn’t that be wild?

The reason I wrote this blog is to remind myself of what I want, where I am, and where I will be. I’ll end by remembering where I was a year ago. On May 29th, 2020 I was sent home sick from work. Stress and anxiety attacked my stomach as work and a failing relationship weighed on my heart. I was afraid to admit what I wanted for my life and tired of failure. The watershed moment came when I dropped to my knees and cried out to the Lord “I can’t do this anymore. Take my life. It’s yours. I’m done trying to make things happen.” Despite the disappointment to follow, the Lord heard and acted on my prayer. He took my life, loved me back to a stable place, and showed me all the forgotten treasure in my heart. It was sweet and amazing. I would not change a single second of what happened.

Today, I’m further up the trail than ever before, the gap not as wide as it was, thanks to the kindness of God.

*Success can be defined in a number of ways. As an investor success will be tied to the ability to support me and my family. As an artist, it will be tied to productivity, not sales.

^Relationships require two people. Of course, I hope to have a girlfriend soon, but whether she stays is not in my hands.

Nik Curfman 5/18/21 Nik Curfman 5/18/21

Abstract: Learn to Walk

It’s one of the hallmarks of being human,

the ability to walk,

and yet a skill very few remember,

once learned.

Before we learn to speak, add, or subtract,

and years before we are burdened with knowledge,

or the tyranny of opinion,

the first lesson we learn is how to rise from our failure (even more so for those without the use of their legs.)

It’s one of the hallmarks of being human,

the ability to walk,

and yet a skill very few remember,

once learned.

It’s a cold irony too,

the most important of human wisdom,

used and forgotten so quickly,

to be learned once more at another time- if at all.

But, let my words serve your ears,

if you exist,

if you hope,

you have the ability to rise too.

You did it once before,

and more than that,

You can rise again,

each one of us a born champion.

Nik Curfman 3/10/21 Nik Curfman 3/10/21

Journal: #225 I Will Be Me

This is a post I need to write, but dread. I feel like something inside me died this week, something I wanted to live. It’s a moment for faith to be what I say it is- trust in the Holy Spirit.

“Fall down seven times, stand up eight.”
- Japanese Proverb

This is a post I need to write, but dread. I feel like something inside me died this week, something I wanted to live. It’s a moment for faith to be what I say it is- trust in the Holy Spirit.

What’s the truth?

My truth, as I sit on my bed with a hurting neck and stuffy nose, is I am loved. The Father has my heart in His giant hands. And, I will continue to walk toward my destiny in the Kingdom. I desire nothing else.

What do I believe?

I believe I am blessed and rich in love and grace. I am surrounded by the great people and the presence of the Holy Spirit. I am talented, smart, and healthy. I know what I want to do with my life and the direction I’m headed. (A topic for later discussion.)

I believe the Lord is good, all the time. I believe honesty and compassion are the foundations of my life. God made me special, and I cannot walk away from who I am for any reason or person. I embrace and protect my heart and dreams because they are part me and part Him.

What will I do?

I will be grateful for all the grace and kindness pour out on my and my family. I will sing and cry and stay in a place of truth. I will allow myself to be imperfect and sad, but refuse to define my life by disappointment and pain. I will over come shame and self-pity by proclaim His promises over my life- as often as required.

I will be who I am and walk in my God-given calling and grace. I will fall down and spring right back up. I will be courageous and vulnerable, unashamed and generous. I will create and love without fear. I will trust the Lord everyday and in every way I know how.

I will not relent or turn away, come what may. I will be me.

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Nik Curfman 3/7/21 Nik Curfman 3/7/21

Journal: #222 I Miss My Trails

The sad part, in my opinion, is South Carolina is a beautiful state. No one seems to care. Trash, billboards, and signs clutter the landscape. Yesterday I went for a walk down by the Congaree River in West Columbia. I couldn’t look in any direction without seeing a light, a sidewalk, a sign- something man made. It’s as though the people have to impose their will on the land.

If you read this blog, you know I love my walks in the woods. I’ve always appreciated them and the numerous miles of trails Redding has to offer. Lately, I’ve missed them.

What I want to do is complain. I want to blog about how much I dislike the southern disposition. I want to use facts and figures to prove how I’m right. California has an acre of park for every twenty acres of land. South Carolina has one acre of park for every hundred of land. Did you know that?

The sad part, in my opinion, is South Carolina is a beautiful state. No one seems to care. Trash, billboards, and signs clutter the landscape. Yesterday I went for a walk by the Congaree River in West Columbia. I couldn’t look in any direction without seeing a light, a sidewalk, a sign- something man made. It’s as though the people have to impose their will on the land.

Complaining doesn’t do any good. It’s not going to change the how people in South Carolina view land or preservation of that land. I’m not going to tuck tail and run back to California just because I can’t go for walks in the woods on a regular basis. Although, it does grate on me.

I love having the opportunity to stay with my parents at this time. And, the environment matters. I don’t love Charlotte for similar reasons, and I do not look forward to a a trip to Durham next week. I need to find a way to rise above it. I need to be able to over the environments I’m in.

Any process begins with belief, so I will start with believing I can enjoy being in Columbia. It’s not a shit hole. I will ask the Lord to show me the hidden glory in the city, and I will seek it out. This yet another place to trust the Lord. He knows I love California, it’s untouched spaces.

I refuse to act powerless or forgotten. There is joy to be found in Columbia, South Carolina. And that’s that.

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Nik Curfman 10/10/20 Nik Curfman 10/10/20

DJ: #84 A Prayer of Determination

Holy Spirit, I accept Joy, Peace, and Hope right now.

I give you my fears, desires, and anxiety.

I release all judgement and tension.

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Lord,

I don’t feel like I’m winning. I don’t feel like I’ve progressed, and I’m not sure I can feel those things. This is my 84th Daily Journal post. That’s something.

I went for a long walk. 5 miles. That’s something.

I signed a client to a long-term deal. That’s something.

I’m sketching almost everyday. That’s something.

I am in Love with you. That’s something.

You are in love with me. That’s something.

I am strong, smart, and kind. That’s something.

I am more engaged in my heart and my calling. That’s something.

I show up everyday to walk with you and listen. That’s something.

I can do all things through you. That’s something.

My faith is growing, despite how I fell. That’s something.

Holy Spirit, I accept Joy, Peace, and Hope right now.

I give you my fears, desires, and anxiety.

I release all judgement and tension.

I believe You in your Kindness, Humor, and Courage.

I do not measure my life in externals, but the love, faith, and righteousness coming out of me.

I refuse to accept condemnation or guilt. I am loved. I am worthy. I am amazing.

I believe in me, the me I was created to be.

Jesus, I love you. Thank you.

Amen.