Journal: #292 My Future, My Present
I have a picture of success, and it’s not me— not what I look like today. In my mind, I’m sipping coffee from a mug(something I never do), dressed in trendy business casual clothes, and confident. I trade stocks in the morning and create art in the afternoon. Somewhere between those two professions, I sneak away to write or have coffee with a friend. My community recognizes my expertise which leads to many such beverage meetings. Eventually, I make my way home to the farm outside Redding. The drone of the day fades as I focus on my family. My wife sips wine and recalls her day as I make dinner. Our toddler is busy turning the living room into a hellscape of toys and overturned furniture.
That picture is devoid of many important aspects of my life, such as time spent with the Lord and miracle opportunities. It doesn’t include texting my mom, the moments I check Reddit or one-off projects. Also missing are the strains of life— inevitable bad news, random jerks, and the normal aches of being human. Maybe the wife doesn’t want to have sex, again, and I deal with the rejection. Or perhaps the county planning board declined my plans to develop my farm. Bastards. (Shasta County is conservative by California standards but not by Southern standards.) Then there’s the missionary couple staying in one of our guest homes. They are young and demanding. A light bulb broke, so I head out to change it. However, I don’t know why they can’t do it.
My reality on May 29th, 2021, seems very distant from the picture in my head. Today, I slept in before lazily making my way to an empty office. I intended to further my day trading education, which I did. Additionally, I opened my trading account on Trade Station. Later today I will complete several drawing lessons as well as the homework for each. No wife or girlfriend. No coffee with friends. No farm. I exist in the gap, the space from between where I was and where I want to be.
My progression isn’t going to be smooth. But, I have a built-in source of encouragement. This blog is nearly a year old. While I would love more readers, I worked past the need for outside validation. I want my writing to be engaging and honest. I want it to give value to the reader beyond me. Eleven months in, I am closer to that goal than ever. I’m stoked for year two. If I look at trading and creating with the same patient eyes, the next year will be rough but worth it.
I sometimes forget how big my life shifts are. I’m learning new skills and developing a brand new type of self-discipline. Ultimately my success* as an investor or artist depends entirely on my work. Both professions are brutal for beginners; therefore, I must prepare to suffer. It’s only reasonable to do so. The Nik of May 2022 will be unlike the Nik of 2020 or before. He’ll be closer to the man in the picture described at the top, but not quite. I’ll continue to learn and grow as a writer, investor, and artist. The plans for the coming year also include some dates. I could have a girlfriend by then too^. Wouldn’t that be wild?
The reason I wrote this blog is to remind myself of what I want, where I am, and where I will be. I’ll end by remembering where I was a year ago. On May 29th, 2020 I was sent home sick from work. Stress and anxiety attacked my stomach as work and a failing relationship weighed on my heart. I was afraid to admit what I wanted for my life and tired of failure. The watershed moment came when I dropped to my knees and cried out to the Lord “I can’t do this anymore. Take my life. It’s yours. I’m done trying to make things happen.” Despite the disappointment to follow, the Lord heard and acted on my prayer. He took my life, loved me back to a stable place, and showed me all the forgotten treasure in my heart. It was sweet and amazing. I would not change a single second of what happened.
Today, I’m further up the trail than ever before, the gap not as wide as it was, thanks to the kindness of God.
*Success can be defined in a number of ways. As an investor success will be tied to the ability to support me and my family. As an artist, it will be tied to productivity, not sales.
^Relationships require two people. Of course, I hope to have a girlfriend soon, but whether she stays is not in my hands.
