Vol III: #72 New Life

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One of my oldest memories- as I’ve discussed in previous posts- is when my dad got the call when his brother Todd died. That moment was traumatic for that little boy. How could anyone have known it would be? Death is part of life. And in my life and the in my family, he became a regular visitor. Eventually, I stopped going to funerals and wakes, choosing to remember the dead as alive rather than painted and posed in a box. Again, I’ve talked about how I thought I would die in my 20’s.

And now, as death seems to surround the elderly in my family, my eyes and hopes have shifted, from what’s possible to what must be done. Then today, I did something I’ve never done before. I imagined living to be 100, then 108, then 125, then 138. It was a wild but life-giving exercise. For a brief moment, alone in my room, I saw my 42 years as a beginning, not a middle, and nowhere near the end. I saw grandkids and great-grandkids. And I envisioned being the old man in the corner, telling stories of about corded phones and wiping my butt with paper (because everyone will use a bidet in the future- they are more sanitary and easy to use.) I’ll make jokes no one understands and teach my offspring to make tomato sandwiches the way my momma taught me. And I’ll repeat the same stories summer after summer, about how me and my dad battled our cars all over Columbia, laughing at our luck and lack of wisdom. And ultimately, my life will stand as a testimony to the kindness and generous love of the Father.

This fun little exercise gave my heart a new hope, and it exposed a sad truth. As long as I can remember, I let death drive my thoughts, internal dialogue, and actions. For example, over the last two years, I’ve lived with a constant existential dread. Some of the dread is external, like will the Russians bomb us? Will I die of COVID? Will Trumpian idiots rip the country apart? Will woke leftist tear the country apart? And some of the death-based anxiety is internal to me Will I ever find a woman who will love me? Will I be too old to be a dad? Will I die in my 60s? Or 70s?

For the most part, I don’t struggle as much with external threats. I can’t control Vladimir Putin’s actions and I’m not going to live in fear of COVID-19. The internal dialogue is a different story. I have routinely criticized myself and felt ashamed at the state of my body and finances, not to mention my martial state. And this leads to impatient, unachievable, short-term goals. And I constantly fail at my terrible, unwise, short terms goals, all adding up to string of failures and an overwhelming sense of being a failure.

Put more simply, my fear of death has created a cycle of failure in my life, leading to feeling like a failure. And feeling like a failure leads me to believe, I’m a failure. And so I have very little endurance or patience because I need results now! I’m gonna die soon! It’s a terrible cycle, and one I aim to break. Because, despite the the fact I may die tomorrow in a tragic walking accident, I can’t let fear of death be my master. And as with all things, in the process of repentance, I will do more than try not to think about death. I must focus on what it means to live, and how to get from today to 2080.

As I close this post, I must admit aging a real thing, but so is engaging in a healthy, life-giving lifestyle. People who live to be 100 eat well, get outside, have a higher purpose, close family and friends. They believe in God, go to work, and have hopeful outlooks. The cynical pessimists, the lazy, and the inactive tend to die young, or at least younger. And we all know stress is a killer.

In a way, I felt like I was given a new life today. And over the coming days and months, I will continue to defined what it means and how to get there, knowing I’ll battle the old poverty mindset from time to time- for the enemy never concedes ground he once held. But, I know this will become an area of strength, a man once consumed by death, not beaming with life, on my way to 100. And if I die before August 29th, 2080, then so be it. When the Lord calls me home, I will go, and it will not be unjust or unfair. And that is up to Him.

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Vol III: #69 Remote Work, AI, and the Future

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The term ChapGPT burrowed it’s way into the popular zeitgeist this year. The pro-tech crowd lauds the chat bot while the usual suspects huddle in the corner, forever afraid of the future. I first used a chatbot three years ago to help write ads for a few clients. Chat GPT isn’t new or immoral. It’s a tool. And like any object, the morality lay of the object in the hands and intent of the user. My business uses ChatGPT to generate copy for websites, emails, and ads. We still employ copy-writers. And by using a chatbot, they produce four times the volume of work. Then we pass along the savings to our customers- who are all small businesses.

I’m not sure why humans freak out at every technological advance, last year it was NFTs, another vastly misunderstood tool. If time travel were real, I’d want to see how people respond to the wheel or toilet or the spoon. My guess is when Billy Bob the caveman decided to use a rock to shovel his food into his mouth, his buddies called him weak or posh. Look at Billy, poor bastard thinks he’s too good to use his hands.

I assume most people react to new technology with caveman skepticism because they don’t know what’s in it for them. In my quest to be wise, I’ve learned to ask “what’s possible?” rather than develop a strong opinion to one side or the other. Fifteen years ago, I never thought Facebook or Twitter would be ground zero for every idiot with internet access or that I’d work remote. But in 2023, I work from my couch and manage a team of people spread out across the planet.

So, what’s in it for you? Allow me to offer one scenario, of many, but it’s mine:

Because my new job doesn’t have an office, we keep overheard low. By leveraging a virtual personal assistant in the Philippines, copy writers in Romania, and ChatGPT, we keep expenses down. By keeping expenses down we keep our prices down, and our clients- plumbers, electricians, landscapers, etc- keep their marketing costs low. You see?

Admittedly, technology can be used for evil. As soon as the printing press was invented- to mass print Bibles- pornographic material was replicated and distributed. Interstates allow drug dealers to ship meth and heroine all over the country. And crypto is being used by human-traffickers. (Which is really dumb because all crypto transactions are forever listed on public ledger.) With few exceptions, all tech has wheat and tares. And we can’t be scared of the future. It’s coming one day at a time, might as well embrace it.

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Abstract: What If, River

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There’s a River slashing through the middle of life,

It’s strong yet quiet and easy to ignore.

On a good sunny afternoon you might dangle your feet in the current,

And feel the chill rush from your feet to your head,

And the sensation makes your wonder.

What if I jump in?

What if I leave everything this shore had to offer,

And give my all to the River?

You roll your pants up and slosh from the soggy grass a few feet into the flow,

but just then you remember something back home in the warm house,

where life is safe if not boring, predictable and under control.

And then you’re content to sit by the River ignoring its call,

and you wave and smile at those brave enough to take the plunge,

but all the while you wonder,

what if?

And your mind goes on wondering about the what, how, and to where,

You don’t understand the River is your friend and guide,

And He will never let you down.

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Vol III: #56 Luke 2, Part I

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I began reading Luke this week. It’s my favorite Gospel because it the most complete Gospel. Most historians believe it to be the latest arrival of the so-called synoptic Gospels, which is why is seems to be more full of descriptions and explanations than Mark or Matthew. (Luke is also the longest book in the new testament by number of verses and words.)

Today I read Luke 2, the story of Jesus’ birth, the shepherd visit, and his 12 year-old visit to Jerusalem for Passover. I paused over the sections of the shepherds’ encounter with an angel. With my eyes closed I pictured a cool night on a hillside and then a burst of light, an angel, then many angels, and instruction on where to find “a Savior.” And then, the angels leave and the shepherds are left to act or stay with their flock, the night sky hung back in the same place it always was. Of course, we know they chose to leave their sheep- presumably in the care of a trusted friend or two- in search of the newborn. They found Mary and Joseph, postpartum in a barn, their son wrapped in rags and laying a trough. I wondered if Joseph and Mary thought of leaving Jesus in that barn. Who would know? It wasn’t Joseph’s son after all. All the world probably weighed on them, to question their dreams and visitations, everything they’d been told and believed. And then, as if the Lord where saying to Mary and Joseph “you aren’t crazy or foolish” a gang of smelly shepherds appeared outside the door. And they confirmed every damn thing Mary was told and knew to be true.

Sometimes I stumble into a dangerous line of thinking when I read stories like that of Mary and Joseph and the shepherds. It goes like this: Of course Mary and Joseph obeyed the Lord. They saw angels, saw miracles (in the form of Elizabeth’s pregnancy), and were visited by the mostly lowly of men (the shepherds) and the upper crust (the Magi.) The first Christian power couple didn’t have a choice given all the supernatural events that happened in their lives. It’s harder for me. I haven’t seen an angel or had random stranger turn up to confirm my calling.

These thoughts are, of course, a shitty load of hot garbage. I have seen and experienced miracles, had multiple supernatural dreams, had way more than a few. strangers confirm my identity and calling of my life. It’s bullshit to believe otherwise, regardless of what the world says. What I want to expose is the enemy and how he works. That asshole figured out how to lie so effectively, he’s able to get us to deny God supernatural hand in our lives. Which is why the power of our testimony is powerful beyond words. The more we repeat what we’ve seen and know, the more faith grows in us.

I will never be step-dad to the Messiah, but I am a son of the King. And He’s blessed my life through redemption and grace, miracles and signs, love and kindness. And I will never let go of these Truths.

Part 2 tomorrow.

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Vol III: #54 Finding the Words

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For a while, I’ve sought the words to describe a feeling buried deep in my heart. And Monday, I found the words in Isaiah 8. My brain exploded with joy when I read the following:

Isaiah 8:12-14

For thus the Lord spoke to me with mighty power and instructed me not to walk in the way of this people, saying,

“You are not to say, ‘It is a conspiracy!’

In regard to all that this people call a conspiracy,

And you are not to fear what they fear or be in dread of it.

It is the Lord of hosts whom you should regard as holy.

And He shall be your fear,

And He shall be your dread.

Then He shall become a sanctuary.

Read these words one more time: YOU ARE NOT TO FEAR WHAT THEY FEAR OR BE IN DREAD OF IT. This command is from the Lord to Isaiah and it needs to be tattooed on every handwringing-Christian’s face. And every one of us needs it tattooed on our heart. I’m tired of listening to preachers and Facebook experts complain and sow fear in the church. So what if they take my job(current situation for me), or force a vaccine, or “steal” an election. In who is your faith? Judging by the last six years, it’s elections and “American ideals.” We are meant to rise above this age and culture. And we can’t do that when we engage the cycles of fear and division. What can they do to us, really? Greater is He in us than what’s in them.

(BTW, I strongly encourage every Christian to read the Bible from cover to cover. Every chapter and verse. It is illuminating and special, though some parts are rather droll or awkward. It’s worth it.)

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Vol III: #41 Push Back

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The prevailing sentiment of our time is that life is bad, very very bad. Each day the media people bring us a new tragedy. Today it was an earthquake in Indonesia. Last I saw, 250 were confirmed dead with the more to come. Yesterday, we were told about more tech company layoffs. The day before that we witnessed another mass shooting. And lest forget, Russia is still trying to invade Ukraine- the specter of nuclear war lingering. It’s all gloomy and upsetting to anyone with a desire for peace or an ounce of compassion. Those poor people. (Then, of course, we have our personal crises.)

The thing is, so what? The world has always been a spinning pile of shit, held together by the Lord’s grace and kindness. Every generation and era has seen it’s share of violence, economic failure, and social upheaval. We are not special or different. The people alive in 2022 are every bit as human as the first people. Our technology and relative comfort makes us feel superior, but I assure we are not. Feeling better yet?

In all of this I hold onto to two thoughts. One is a declaration and the other a promise. First, the Word says we were created for such a time as this because the Lord has made everything for its own purpose. I think about this concept, a lot. Why was I born in 1980? In America? Raised in the South? By Yankee parents? Either it’s all random chance or purposeful. Secondly, Jesus the Messiah God, promised we will do greater things than these. That’s a wild promise to make for a guy who raised the dead and healed the sick and cast out demons and fed multitudes of people with a few pieces of bread and some fish.

When I look at the world, I weep. There is no hope aside from Jesus. But we- the called who said yes- we made for this moment. We were chosen to shine on the hills and proclaim what we know. It’s a tough job. No point in denying the truth. But we were made for this world at this exact moment in time. Each one of us carries the talents and gifts to walk in peace and love and joy, to contrast a narrative that says life is very very bad. Because, in all honesty, that’s a load of horseshit. Life is a gift and it is amazing.

Happy Tuesday.

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Vol III: #10 Faith of the Witnesses

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Have you read the Book of Hebrew? The first nine chapters are a bit boring. The author- often believed to be Paul- knew the Old Testament. And, they used that knowledge to build a case for Jesus as the Messiah and what his life means and represents. Chapter 7 features a weird reference to Melchizedek before moving onto a “New Covenant.”

But then, Chapter 11 happens. The author began with a soaring definition of faith, as the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. From there, they chronicle from Adams to David the faith of the Saints: Noah to build a boat, Abraham to follow the whisper into the wilderness, and Rahab to recognize and serve the Lord. The close of this epic chapter reminds us those who live by faith will suffer. But, we are part of a great Kingdom. Each one of us is a link and we will join the Great Cloud of Witnesses.

It hit me, as I read the latter chapters, faith isn’t a feeling. Faith is world view and life style.

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Abstract: Seeds

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You’ve been planted, not flung at random.

The soil around you, though it may feel harsh,

will be a friend.

And when the days between rains stretches longer than you like,

grow your roots deep, where no one sees,

into the well that never runs dry.

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Vol II: #81 Faithful, Good, and Pleased

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After BSSM, I decided to read through the Bible from Genesis to Revelation which is always a hoot. Much of scripture is never taught or mentioned in church or Bible class. Several times a week I’ll have a “that’s in the Bible?!” moment. These hidden stories and people help add to the wonder of the exercise.

This week, I finished Exodus, which ends with the Lord’s instructions for the Tabernacle. Then, a few people are selected to build the thing, and it’s gets done. The verses read like “so-and-so built the Glory seat as the Lord commanded, according to what the the Lord commanded Moses.” This portion of the Bible like reading a cell phone bill or the fine print on the warranty for your microwave. (We don’t like to call our sacred scripture “boring” but it could be applied to the end of Exodus…by a less careful person.)

Right at the end of Chapter 39, pinned onto the end of another chapter dedicated to the meticulous instructions and build of the Tabernacle, was this:

And Moses examined all the work and behold, they had done it; just as the Lord had commanded, this they had done. So Moses blessed them.

- Exodus 39:43

I’m amazed. Here we have this intricate undertaking to house the presence of God, and it went off without a hitch. If you read every verse from Genesis 1 to Exodus 39:43, you’ll know how rare it is to build something without a delay or disagreement, but not Moses and his construction crew. They bossed the assignment. Good for them.

This one line sentence gave me as hope this week because I think about pleasing God, a lot. It’ not fun because I judge myself- my effort, motivation, and results. And, perhaps all that matters to the Lord. But really, I believe He’s interested in the effort and the doing. “Good enough” exists for the Lord. Perfection isn’t what He wants and it’s not a word the Lord uses when He talks to us. He uses words like faithful, good, and pleased.

Just something to think about.

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Vol II: #69 Little/Daily Wins Are It

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A good friend is about to cross a serious milestone next week. She and her husband will make their last debt payment to the last creditor and then will be officially debt free. I forget how much they owed but it was closer to one-hundred thousand dollars than ten thousand. And they paid the debt in a short period which included two cross-country moves and the sale of a recreational vehicle. This couple and their determination stand in direct contrast to the common narrative in America today. They worked hard, made tough choices, and now stand at the edge of financial freedom. They are an inspiration.

I’m guilty of being eternally short-sighted. Most of my plans are about what I can do in the next year or two, but I never get there. I dream. I spend two weeks working toward a goal. Then, I give up. And, repeat. It’s embarrassing because, my life is littered with broken goals and dreams. Fortunately, I do have a few exceptions to the tendency. I finished my writing goal last year, graduated from college, and successfully moved from place to place. (I’m quite good at moving.) Sure. I have more successes than these, but I’ll stop here.

What each success has in common is I believed it was worth doing. What trips me are the moments when the goal seems unattainable, when the tasks required are lifeless and dull, and my mind tries to escape into the next dream. But, that’s not how greatness is built or acquired. Champions and heroes reveal themselves only after years of hard work and tough choices.

I think about David on the hillsides of Bethlehem with his father’s flock. He was far from war and politics and temples. But, he tended those sheep with his life. And the doing so, he fought and killed a lion and a bear. He practiced with his sling and waited for his opportunity. Then, after he defeated the giant and was chosen to be the next king, he spent ten years running from Saul’s spear. Nice, right?

It seems like success in life is built on Jesus and showing up everyday. For me, that’s writing, reading, drawing, and doing it all over again. And again. And again. Then, like my friends, I can stand at the edge of something big.

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Vol II: #58 The Courage of Stephen

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For reasons I can’t explain I’ve thought a lot about Stephen this year- the first martyr. The Bible says he was a righteous man initially tasked with feeding the poor. He fed the poor and much more. He also performed “signs and wonders.” Like all good Christians, Stephen was found to be at odds with the non-believing Jews. They said he preached about the destruction of the temple and rebellion against the laws of Moses. Standing before a Council, Stephen gave his defense. I assume he thought he could wow them with his understanding of the Torah. He was wrong.

Our hero didn’t help himself when he called the Council “stiff-necked” and “uncircumcised of heart.” If I know anything about New Testament, I do not want to stand before a Jewish Council. It doesn’t end well. Jesus was crucified (who remained silent.) Peter was flogged, as were others. Paul spent so much time in front of various Councils, they should’ve given him a guest pass to use the back exit. My guess is Stephen hurt his cause by insulting his accusers. Read the room buddy, am I right? Poor guy.

The idea of martyrdom is stark and unkind. Today we become heroes for simply appealing to our tribe in the face of persecution…like being forced to wear a mask. Gimme a break. What Stephen did he did alone, without camera phones or instant celebrity status. He made his defense of faith and God with the knowledge of what was to come. (Thankfully, Paul was a witness to the event and was able to add it to his account in Acts.) What a boss. What an example of courage. It’s a type of bravery I want. And when I say I wish I had his courage, I’m not wishing to be martyred. I’m saying I want to stand when I know I’m going to lose.

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Abstract: So Says Jesus

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Today is one of the days,

when no purpose or journey looks worthy of the required sacrifices,

Conversely, crying alone in the corner is no viable option,

not for a human of such fine quality and talent…

Oh no, I am not allowed to fail.

Not allowed to feel self-pity or confusion.

Not allowed to ask questions or work through the nast’ness of faith,

Certainly can’t be afraid or tremble…

My solace, my refuge at this moment, is Jesus.

On this day, when my life feels like a bag of shit,

I recite the opening lines of Jesus’ mountainside chat:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for their’s is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

I sit and type, and search for a way out of this fog,

and as disconnected as I feel,

I receive that love, that promise of heritage and grace.

When I am anxious, scared, and cut off,

my gift is Heaven.

When I cry, He will comfort me.

So says Jesus.

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