Vol III: #72 New Life
One of my oldest memories- as I’ve discussed in previous posts- is when my dad got the call when his brother Todd died. That moment was traumatic for that little boy. How could anyone have known it would be? Death is part of life. And in my life and the in my family, he became a regular visitor. Eventually, I stopped going to funerals and wakes, choosing to remember the dead as alive rather than painted and posed in a box. Again, I’ve talked about how I thought I would die in my 20’s.
And now, as death seems to surround the elderly in my family, my eyes and hopes have shifted, from what’s possible to what must be done. Then today, I did something I’ve never done before. I imagined living to be 100, then 108, then 125, then 138. It was a wild but life-giving exercise. For a brief moment, alone in my room, I saw my 42 years as a beginning, not a middle, and nowhere near the end. I saw grandkids and great-grandkids. And I envisioned being the old man in the corner, telling stories of about corded phones and wiping my butt with paper (because everyone will use a bidet in the future- they are more sanitary and easy to use.) I’ll make jokes no one understands and teach my offspring to make tomato sandwiches the way my momma taught me. And I’ll repeat the same stories summer after summer, about how me and my dad battled our cars all over Columbia, laughing at our luck and lack of wisdom. And ultimately, my life will stand as a testimony to the kindness and generous love of the Father.
This fun little exercise gave my heart a new hope, and it exposed a sad truth. As long as I can remember, I let death drive my thoughts, internal dialogue, and actions. For example, over the last two years, I’ve lived with a constant existential dread. Some of the dread is external, like will the Russians bomb us? Will I die of COVID? Will Trumpian idiots rip the country apart? Will woke leftist tear the country apart? And some of the death-based anxiety is internal to me Will I ever find a woman who will love me? Will I be too old to be a dad? Will I die in my 60s? Or 70s?
For the most part, I don’t struggle as much with external threats. I can’t control Vladimir Putin’s actions and I’m not going to live in fear of COVID-19. The internal dialogue is a different story. I have routinely criticized myself and felt ashamed at the state of my body and finances, not to mention my martial state. And this leads to impatient, unachievable, short-term goals. And I constantly fail at my terrible, unwise, short terms goals, all adding up to string of failures and an overwhelming sense of being a failure.
Put more simply, my fear of death has created a cycle of failure in my life, leading to feeling like a failure. And feeling like a failure leads me to believe, I’m a failure. And so I have very little endurance or patience because I need results now! I’m gonna die soon! It’s a terrible cycle, and one I aim to break. Because, despite the the fact I may die tomorrow in a tragic walking accident, I can’t let fear of death be my master. And as with all things, in the process of repentance, I will do more than try not to think about death. I must focus on what it means to live, and how to get from today to 2080.
As I close this post, I must admit aging a real thing, but so is engaging in a healthy, life-giving lifestyle. People who live to be 100 eat well, get outside, have a higher purpose, close family and friends. They believe in God, go to work, and have hopeful outlooks. The cynical pessimists, the lazy, and the inactive tend to die young, or at least younger. And we all know stress is a killer.
In a way, I felt like I was given a new life today. And over the coming days and months, I will continue to defined what it means and how to get there, knowing I’ll battle the old poverty mindset from time to time- for the enemy never concedes ground he once held. But, I know this will become an area of strength, a man once consumed by death, not beaming with life, on my way to 100. And if I die before August 29th, 2080, then so be it. When the Lord calls me home, I will go, and it will not be unjust or unfair. And that is up to Him.
