Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 7/19/23 Nik Curfman 7/19/23

Abstract: Blue Bird Joy

A poem, about choosing joy admit sadness.

Sometimes, when I’m blue I wish I were a bird,

so I could fly high above my shame and sadness,

feel the wind on my face,

and gaze at the glorious colors and shapes below.

The world is beautiful,

And there’s joy in remembering it is so.

Life is the great wonder,

to be lived, shared, and adventured,

explored and loved.

My sadness cycles and fades as night dances with the day,

but the laughing river and the wise mountain remain,

as does the joy we have at hand.

Nik Curfman 5/1/23 Nik Curfman 5/1/23

Vol III: #80 Coffee Shop Summit

The elder asks the younger a series of questions and listens to their reply, and in doing so, validates their presence. He’s talking to them as worthy peers, uninterested in the ticks or breaks in focus. He doesn’t care when they glance down at their phones or change the conversation. He flows with them rather than against them.

Four excited teenagers sit at a coffee bar made of dull corrugated siding and a formica counter top with a potted pothos spilling down over each end. Three boys and a girl, dressed like you’d expect California teenagers to be dressed, surf shoes, colorful socks and skinny jeans. From behind the counter, a curly haired man sporting a Jesus beard and a maroon t-shirt makes small talk with the quartet. The elder asks the younger a series of questions and listens to their reply, and in doing so, validates their presence. He’s talking to them as worthy peers, uninterested in the ticks or breaks in focus. He doesn’t care when they glance down at their phones or change the conversation. He flows with them rather than against them.

And now the curly Jesus is propped up on his arms across the counter, and he’s drinking a macha tea, and still in the exchange. And it’s clear the teenagers could leave. Their’s nothing in the dialogue forcing them to their seats, by obligation or expectation. And then the conversation became animated and exciting, one boy bouncing in his seat as the volume of the discussion rose. Then like thunder, one, now two, high fives echo through the shop, above the folk music and low drum of hushed conversations.

Through out the exchange, I receive over-the-shoulder glances from each member of the coffee shop summit, as I observe and type. I am the interloper, obviously. And they do not know why I sit and smile at my screen and off into the distance. They don’t know I am happy to observe their world where adults and teenagers respect each other and have joyful conversations. And I hope they keep on talking and enjoying each other, but if they don’t, I hope they latch onto these moments, where life wasn’t awful or complicated or newsworthy, but it was good.

Nik Curfman 9/29/22 Nik Curfman 9/29/22

Vol III: #20 Head Up Not Head Down

There are choices we make when we are young and unaware of the consequences of our choices. Though the choices greet us everyday, we are pushed to one side or the other by parents and teachers and the culture surrounding us. We fidget and think simple thoughts and follow. Before we know it, we walk and talk like those around us. And, we live a life of self-defeat and frustration.

I heard an old man talk about his children, how he worried for his teenage daughters alone at home. His mind raced and created the worst outcomes. How could he be so foolish? He was their father and protector. How would they survive without his presence? When he’d finally pulled into the drive way, his fears fell away. No signs of a break-in. No blood. His girls were safe as normal.

After decades of these moments, of expecting the worst and planning for grief, the old man dared asked does it have to be this way? Through an old friend his question was answered, no. You do not need to live in fear of life. And so, the gray-haired man put his feet on the other path, the one he missed as a child.

The truth is life will try to steal, kill, and destroy every good thing. But, we need not trudge our way through life, head down and depressed. Whatever happens in our lives, what we choose is how we live. We can dance and laugh and look for the sun every morning regardless of the onslaught to come. Or we can shelter in the back room waiting for every evil thing to rip us apart.

And this is the secret, to choose life and joy, to look foolish in the storms and peace among our enemies. The grief will come, so what? God is still good. Joy is always real and peace is meant for the lowest moments.

Lord, I laugh at my mistakes and anxieties.

I am daily your delight,

You delight in me and who I am.

And, I will grab onto You every morning.

Whatever comes, I will show my face to Yours,

and receive Your love and word.

Nik Curfman 7/11/22 Nik Curfman 7/11/22

Vol II: #91 Think On These Things

However I affect the world it will not be out of anger or fear. If I want a peaceful and kind world, I must be peaceful and kind. And to be peaceful and kind, I’ve got to shut off all the channel aimed to distract me from Jesus. He’s the source and His kingdom is my home. Whatever I do and however I affect people will be because of the Jesus inside me, not how educated and articulate I am on social/political issues.

They almost got me last week while watching videos on YouTube. It was subtle and appealed to my intellect just like the enemy does. The first was a video on Critical Race Theory in which a clean cut young man named Andrew explained- in great detail- what Critical Race Theory is according to the people who created it. The second video was done by a young black woman from Africa. She hates wokeness and explained why. Again, she was thoughtful and did not speak in language common to Fox News or CNN. Rather, she talked about forgiveness and restoration as part of the Civil Rights process. And then, YouTube, as it does, brought me slightly darker content from less eloquent people.

I could feel my attitude shifting as I became more defensive and angry. In the following days I battled a sense of doom and hopelessness. These were not the thoughts and feeling of the Holy Tree. So…I stopped watching the videos and went back to writing and reading and drawing. However I affect the world it will not be out of anger or fear. If I want a peaceful and kind world, I must be peaceful and kind. And to be peaceful and kind, I’ve got to shut off all the channels aimed to distract me from Jesus. He’s the source of peace and kindness, and His kingdom is my home. Whatever I do and however I affect people will be because of the Jesus inside me, not how educated and articulate I am on social/political issues.

The world will say we are ignorant and useless. That’s ok. As I’ve said before, I’d rather be a hopeful idiot.

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. - Philippians 4:8, The Message

Nik Curfman 4/23/21 Nik Curfman 4/23/21

Abstract: Joy of Simple Joys

When the sun relents,

and the air blows cooler than normal,

on a spring day in South Carolina,

soak it in.

When the sun relents,

and the air blows cooler than normal,

on a spring day in South Carolina,

soak it in.

Squeeze every drop of joy from it,

stop to consider the blessing it is,

and how rare it is.

Then thank the Lord,

for beautiful spring days,

of the unexpected,

and the joy of simple joys.

Nik Curfman 3/18/21 Nik Curfman 3/18/21

Abstract: Breath of Life

Eyes closed and head tucked to my chest,

I inhale the favor of God,

and exhale my strains,

Breath of Life

Eyes closed and head tucked to my chest,

I inhale the favor of God,

and exhale my strains,

It’s a process I repeat as often as required,

because I refuse to give in,

To fear and pain.

In with joy,

out with rejection.

In with Love,

exit depression.

Each breath an act of faith,

a victory over death and its reign.

Nik Curfman 12/17/20 Nik Curfman 12/17/20

Journal: #150 Blog Posts In, Many More To Go

As with walking everyday, I write everyday because it feeds a part of my soul. Cooking doesn’t do it for me, and a great conversation with a friend is not substitute. Nothing else can take the place of watching my words appear on the screen or paper, words from my heart and mind.

I started my blog on July 11th. It’s December 17th. When I click publish on this post, it will be my 150th daily Journal blog post in the last 158 days. And, I can’t remember the last day I didn’t post something (upon review, 30 days straight, 70 of the last 71.)

Yesterday I wrote about walking. My relationship to the written word is similar in that it’s been a slow and steady build. The shelves in my bedroom have stacks of dusty journals dating back to 1997. I created and published my first blog in 2008. (This blog is my tenth blog.) It’s long been deleted, as have all the others. The 150 posts (plus poems and other posts) are collectively more posts than all the previous blogs combined. Obviously, I found something I like.

Why I Started Writing

As previously stated, I started journaling in high school. What no one knows, until now, is why. So, get ready to have your mind blown. Here’s the truth: I started journaling…for chicks. It’s an original idea, all my own. As you can probably know, it worked perfectly. (For the sake of clarity, I’m still as single as the Pope.)

In April of 1997, the movie The Saint starring Val Kilmer and Elizabeth Shue was released. I loved it. Shue became my teenage crush, and Kilmer cemented his status as one of my favorite actors.

It hit all my teenage buttons- action, a bit of mystery, romance, solving world problems like pollution and cheap renewable energy. I wanted to somehow emulate The Saint. I wanted to travel the world, stop world hunger, and end global warming. I also wanted to have an intelligent and beautiful woman fall desperately in love with me.

By now, you’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with journaling. Right? Well, in the movie, Val Kilmer’s character Simon created a journal full of poems and drawings as part of a persona he created to woo Elizabeth Shue’s character, Dr Emma Russell.

I, being who I was at 16 when I first watched The Saint (and would go on to rewatch many times), decided I needed to be more mysterious and poetic. I eventually made my way to the bookstore next to theatre where I purchased my first 8.5 x 5.5 inch Strathmore Sketchbook. It currently lays among the dust covered journals in my room.

What It Means To Me Now

I flipped through that original journal a few weeks ago. It was a humorous moment filled with embarrassment and delight. 16 year-old me didn’t have a clue who he was or where he’d go. But, he did believe he had to be someone else, a person he wasn’t. If I could tell him anything, it would be this: Jesus loves you as you are. Be you buddy.

Journaling was suppose to be part of my mystique. It was suppose to be something I used to impress other people, a woman perhaps. Thankfully, it became a place of intimacy between me and the Holy Spirit. The writing isn’t dignified or noteworthy, but it is honest.

The joy I find writing these blogs and journaling is real. Once I removed the need to be famous or lauded, I found the strength to be myself. I’m not sure if any of this will lead anywhere, and I don’t care.

I Write Because I Love It

Any Plans?

I’d love to become a greater writer. Why not? For now, I’m very content to type in obscurity. Besides, writing for the public- something relevant, timely, and insightful- is difficult. It requires skill, an audience, and a bit of talent. I believe I am improving on all fronts, but I’ve got a ways to go.

The only goal I have is to post over 300 hundred blog posts by July 11th, 2021. At the rate I’m going I’ll hit close to 350, but we’ll see. Regardless, I will not ignore writing and posting blogs. I can’t. Something in me would starve, and I’d suffer.

God Is Good

I can’t explain why or how, but there is a gift from the Lord in all this. The deeper I dive into walking, writing, and praying, the more I experience the supernatural goodness of the God. It isn’t like being high or spiritually drunk, like I’d expect. It’s a confidence(faith) I see in other areas of the my life.

Love produces real fruit, and it is a lie to believe self-love is a lesser love. I once believed it was, that I had to sacrifice myself for love. Now I don’t. It’s not love to deny myself what brings me true joy.

Self-Love is Real Love

I think a lot of us believe we have to put ourselves on the back burner. It becomes habitual and expected, but it’s not healthy. I spent most of my life trying to be someone else and constantly lived in the shadows too afraid to fail at what my heart wanted most.

It’s odd isn’t it, to believe I could fail at writing or walking or pursuing the Lord? What standard was I using? I forget, because it’s not important. My testimony is real simple to this point. By embracing myself and doing what’s in my heart to do I discovered more life than I ever had before.

God is so good like that. All He ever wanted for me is to be myself. If He’s the Tree of Life, being who He created me to be is the fruit. And if writing is part of who I am, no matter the result, I can’t stop.

And, I won’t. Today I celebrate my 150th Journal post, and look forward to thousands more. Happy Thursday.

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Nik Curfman 12/7/20 Nik Curfman 12/7/20

Journal: #140 Keep Moving

I have no shame when I admit I was extra motivated over the summer to prove something to myself and a few others. On back-to-back days I broke up with my girlfriend and then my business partner. It was Biblical, or at least comical. To be fair, neither was move was a blindside and for the best.

I worked a long day today, most of it spent staring at a computer screen. Near the end I committed one of those annoying and time-consuming blunders, which meant I spent another hour redoing a tedious job. Fak, and oh well. That’s life in 2020. I’m thankful to have work and customers who value what I do for them. Thanks be to God.

After I finished my work day- about an hour ago- I went for a late night walk up the hill into the retirement community next to my neighborhood. The air was calm and crisp. It was a perfect setting to ease my muddle brain and clear out some work-related anxiousness.

Slow Progress

Near the midway point I opened the Health App on my phone. I like to track my steps in the pursuit of the fabled ten-thousand steps per day*. While I reviewed the day I decided to check on the number of consecutive days I hit 10k plus steps. Over the summer I hit 31 days in a row, and immediately followed it up with another 24 days. I knew I passed 24 a while ago.

Turns out, I was right. Today is day 30 in a streak of at least 10k steps each day. Unless some unforeseen major disaster slams into northern California, I will tie the streak tomorrow and break it Wednesday. I teared up at the thought. I’m gonna do it. The growth I experienced this summer is not a flash in the pan.

Shifting Motivation

So, I knew my motivations would shift as summer slide into autumn, and I was correct. Beginning in October and running well into November, I was worried. Would I continue to run after the Lord? Would I love myself? The answer to both is a resounding yes. Hallelujah.

The Year of Me and Him

This year, this f*cked up Covidian year, is about showing up and doing the little things for the sake of love. And, I’m not referring to romantic sap. I’m talking about patient, kind, long-suffering, but also boundary-setting, I’m-gonna-believe-in-miracles-and-let-God-be-God, love. I’m talking about cursing at the fear rather than people or the past. I’m talking about fighting the wind and pain rather than run from them. I’m talking about showing up and saying, “Lord, I’m here and I trust you.”

2020 is about vision, the type of vision that acts without a detailed master plan. It’s about faith in the things unseen. Part of it is letting go of what I thought was mine, and choosing to believe the Lord will either bring it back or present something greater.

Ultimately, this year is about me and Him. Me being me, and Him being God Almighty. For now and forever more, I can’t hate on 2020. I learned more and put more into practice this year than the previous 20 combined. Of course, the 20 years prior was a slow build, so I do not regret them either. My God truly works all things to the good whenever I let Him work.

Thankfully.

*The science says anywhere from 4,500-7,500/day is good number of steps for most people. I shoot for ten-thousand steps for multiple reasons, but mostly I like going for walks. I enjoy being outside and on the move. While the number of steps is up for debate, new research strongly recommends being outside as way to improve physical, mental, and emotional health. I highly encourage every single human to go on 3-4 outdoor walks per day. Doesn’t have to be long walks, just about ten minutes. 40 minutes per day will get you well above 5,000 steps in addition to your normal routine. It’s simple but effective.

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Nik Curfman 11/13/20 Nik Curfman 11/13/20

Daily Journal: #117 Gratitude: Seed of Joy

Living from place of gratitude, a state of constantly saying “thank you Lord, this thing/person/place is f-cking awesome and I love it,” clears the path of instant gladness when we see Him move. It positions our hearts to look with anticipation for what He will do or say next. Then we are glad, joyful, and filled with calm delight when we see it. Because we know it’s Him. We instantly know the Great God of all Creation is moving and acting on behalf of His kids.

Joy was once an elusive mistress. I thought it was something I could touch but not have. I thought it was something weirdo Christians faked, or worse didn’t fake. I believed I was too head strong or proud. Something had to be wrong with me, because- whatever joy is- I didn’t have it.

Lies and Damn Lies

I stopped trying to understand why I (or anyone) believe lies. It’s unfortunate, but we all believe lies. They do what they are intended to do which is hold us back from Him. I can’t experience joy was a real belief I held, for a long time. It’s not logical, and yet I believed it. This deception held me back from enjoying life and the people around me.

Obviously, the first step to defeating a lie is to recognize it exists. The next step is to admit something else is possible. In my case, how I experience joy may not look it does for other people. The bigger point I want to make though is this. When I admit something else is possible I open the door for new possibilities to manifest. Life isn’t binary, a stream of black or white, yes or no questions. I don’t have to perfect in my faith, but I do need to use it.

The Gratitude Pattern

The woman I dated earlier this year was the best I’ve dated in my life. She was so much more to me than anyone else. It wasn’t close. I enjoyed who she was and being with here, for the sake of it.

Part of the reason I enjoyed her stemmed from my previous experience. I appreciated her quirks and creativity. I liked how she listened and her intelligence. I was grateful to be with her. When she came over to break up with me, I was sad and heart broken. In the same moment, I felt gratitude for the experience and her efforts. I knew she gave me everything she had, and it was time for the Lord to step in.

I thanked her for dating me. I did not enjoy the break up or the gut wrenching month that followed, but I’m still grateful to have dated such an amazing person. It is this gratitude going before me that allows me to receive joy now.

The Beginnings of Gratitude

Some time in 2017 I started a gratitude journal. Eventually I wrote out index cards and carried them around with me from apartment to apartment, Redding to San Francisco, and then back to Redding. Somewhere in 2018, I began thanking the Lord for the day every morning. And now I try to drive deep into thankfulness on my morning walks.

I forget how or why I started trying to be more grateful. My guess is I was depressed and read something on the internet about it. Most likely, I read an article years ago, way before 2017. Regardless, what started as a sort of ritual to avoid suicidal thoughts is now a living-giving practice.

My favorite aspect of gratitude is how alive it is. In all honesty, when I start talking to Jesus in the morning, I am usually distracted and half awake. My mind is blank, and I start with something as simple as the sky. “Lord, I’m thankful for the sky today.” Then I go on “I’m thankful for this path, and the trees changing color. I’m thankful for my parents and they way they love me….(and on and one.)” Once I start confessing my appreciate for the Lord’s blessings in my life, they become easier to spot and admit.

Gratitude is a form of praise and active engagement of appreciation. It’s a form of love. Whenever I say to the Holy Spirit, “thank you for the sky,” what I’m really saying is “this sky is f-cking amazing and love you for making it.”

Here Comes the Joy

The word most often used for Joy in the New Testament is the Greek word chara (silent c). It means gladness. When we read scripture joy is always the result of hearing or an action. It is the recognition of the Lord moving on our behalf when we know it could be different. It’s an involuntary response to the goodness of the God. (It’s why I was glad to date my now former girlfriend. I appreciated who she is. I wasn’t hung up on who she wasn’t.)

Gratitude plows our hearts in preparation of joy. Without it, we are doomed to feel empty and broken. Entitled people do not experience joy because they do not appreciate what they have. Judgmental people do not experience gladness because they are too busy looking for imperfections and flaws. Fearful people do not experience “calm delight” because they are too worried to appreciate anything good in their lives.

Living from place of gratitude, a state of constantly saying “thank you Lord, this thing/person/place is f-cking awesome and I love it,” clears the path of instant gladness when we see Him move. It positions our hearts to look with anticipation for what He will do or say next. Then we are glad, joyful, and filled with calm delight when we see it. Because we know it’s Him. We instantly know the Great God of all Creation is moving and acting on behalf of His kids.

Lord, thank you for loving me and my friends and family. Thank you for healing us and blessing us with far more than we need.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/16/20 Nik Curfman 10/16/20

Daily Journal: #89 Settling into the Moment

The last few days, I’ve experienced gladness and joy in more profound way than ever before. I’m not waiting on it to happen to me, rather it’s falling out of me. I am here and now, and it’s all I really have and need.

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To live in the moment is an elusive thing. It borders on mythic. At times in the my life it almost seemed like a New Age concept. And yet…isn’t that what Jesus is asking us when he says “Seek first the Kingdom?” I don’t know how to make anything happen in life, but I do know how to show up. I know how to take each day as it come. What if that’s all I must do?

In Tattoos on the Heart, Greg Boyle talks about gladness(joy) and relates it to being in the present moment:

“You don't really get Jesus saying very often there'll be pie in the sky when you die. He's really talking about now and today, and it's supposed to be like that. You're supposed to delight in what's right in front of you.”

The last few days, I’ve experienced gladness and joy in more profound way than ever before. I’m not waiting on it to happen to me, rather it’s falling out of me. I am here and now, and it’s all I really have and need.

What I knew How To Do

I know how to rob myself of the moment. That’s easy too. I do it my living in the future or looking back at the past. In my past, I am a failure, unappreciated, and frustrated. In the future, my life is perfect because I finally learned how to control everything and everyone. Everything went my way.

The other way I robbed myself of the present joy was by demanding more from a moment than it could offer. Of course, I didn’t stop there. The next step is to add a side order of judgement, and some comparison for dessert. No. Those ribs weren’t that good. They weren’t as good as Rodney Scott’s.

Then there’s the final trap of “having standards” and “excellence.” I can’t be happy with my work because it’s not perfect. I want to be excellent, and I can’t achieve excellence by being happy with my work. This line of thought is self-defeating and destroys any appreciation of the journey. Eventually it led me to the belief I would never be good enough, so why try?

What Changed?

I can’t overstate the fruit of walking with Jesus through prayer everyday. And I want to stress, I don’t have angelic visitations or out-of-body experiences (yet.) Most of my mornings are spent walking in the woods just trying to find enough words to connect the Lord, but I do it. Everyday. It’s been over four month since I started going for my morning walks, and now I’m here.

Where is here? Here is a place where I don’t judge myself (very often) or worry about the future. Here is a place where I don’t try to control my environment. And here is a place where I get to look for the gold in every moment, rather than the shit.

I also want to add, I don’t have sudden crazy instances of massive change. Whatever is happening in my life is moving at the pace of day-by-day. You can read previous blogs, even as recent as last week, when I was struggling with low-level anxiety. I continued to go for my walks, and put my faith in Him.

Keep the Main Thing The Thing

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know what I’m going to do. I’m going to do for a walk with Jesus. I’m going to talk to Him and listen. Then, I’ll do it again.