Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/18/21 Nik Curfman 1/18/21

Journal: #179 Favorite Moment of 2020: New Heights With Jesus

Early in the morning, through the joys of a new relationship, through the pain of a breakup, in the middle of quarantine, when my body aches and my emotions frown, late at night, without excuses, in the car, on planes, during trips, and regardless of motivation…I sought Him.

He did not disappoint.

This post is first and favorite Moment of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, #4 Discovering Myself here, #3 Learning to Love Myself here, and #2 Grace and Patience here.

I grew up in church, but I consider my walk with Jesus to be 22 years old. 2020 was without question the most special and rewarding year in my pursuit of His Kingdom. I can’t say enough about it, but I’ll try.

The greatest of what I encountered last year was not in one glorious moment or series of moments. It came in the daily practice of letting God be God in my life. I experienced more freedom, joy, grace, and love than ever, and it’s all because I let Him into the dark corners and dusyt backrooms of my heart.

I’m not going to belabor this point or waste words.

Jesus promised all the needs of our lives would be met if we “seek first the Kingdom.” Very simply, that is my testimony. Everyday of 2020, I sought Him.

He did not disappoint.

I will add a few important tips for anyone who wants to experience the fullness of the Lord:

Every day means every single every day. Show up before the Lord no matter how you feel or what the voice in your head says.
Be honest. Tell the Lord what you feel, exactly how you feel it. If the thoughts in your head are sad or depressing, start there.
Listen. The Lord loves us. His voice is kind and patient. There is no condemnation.
Find something to be grateful for in each day. It does not matter how mundane it is, start with the weather or the roof over your head. But when you look for God’s goodness in your life, it will become obvious everywhere.

That’s it. I’m tired and have a good blog to write for tomorrow. For now, I’m going to end my list here. 2020 was a wonderfully awesome, sad, and amazing year. I wouldn’t trade it for all the rice in China.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/14/21 Nik Curfman 1/14/21

Journal: #175 Favorite Moments of 2020: Grace and Patience

The difference between me in January of 2021 and a year ago is the grace and kindness of the Lord. I don’t have to be perfect or punish myself when I’m wrong. And the further I look down the road, the better my decisions become. Patience and grace are gifts of love from Him to me.

This post is second of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, #4 Discovering Myself here, and #3 Learning to Love Myself here.

It would be an understatement to say I learned about grace and patience in 2020. Entering 2020, I had some patience- the kind of patience you have for a crying child or waiting in line. I did not have long-term life patience. Whatever I wanted had to happen the moment I wanted it, or it was never going to happen. As for grace, I didn’t have a clue. I do now.

Learning From the Kids

In 2020, I was introduced to a number of “kids.” I call them kids because they were all mostly ten years(or more) younger than me. Through them I was encouraged and challenged, but also assured. I see them make the same mistakes and fall into the same traps I did.

It’s hard to watch them stumble through pain and insecurity, impatience, and fear. I want to shake them by the shoulders and scream until they shut up. They haven’t yet given themselves into the hands of the Lord. In that tension, one foot in Him and the other in man, they will never find contentment or peace.

But I can’t be that guy, the “all-knowing” douche bag. For starters, if I had my shit together I’d be “farther along” than I am. Right? Wrong.

Enter, grace and patience.

Grace Is Unearned Favor

I am blessed to befriend these younger versions of me. I get to walk with them, and they are not my responsibility. Some mistakes need to be made, like a hand on a hot stove. And when the door is opened, I will share what I have to give. It’s the best of both worlds.

I know now, grace is always flowing and available to me. I’m the one with my hand on the knob. I decide whether or not I’m going to allow the Lord to be Himself in my life.

Grace is about possibilities and redemption of lost opportunities. I’ve seen it over and over the last year, in my life and the lives of my friends. Perfection is not I requirement for those in Christ Jesus. Pursuit is. I’ll give you an example.

As I write this blog post, the marketing company I work for stands posed to land a huge contract. In a real literal sense, I am not qualified to do the job they are asking me to do. I am not as knowledgeable or experienced as others in the marketing world. But, I am wildly creative in that space, and they recognize the intangibles I bring to the team. I think like an owner and connect like details back to the big picture. I can manage production teams and meet with clients. And, I’m creative.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I don’t think I can meet the challenge. Of my own strength and track record, I shouldn’t be in this situation. Yet, I will not let go the opportunity in front of me. I don’t have to be perfect or have all the answers. This is a fantastic moment to grow.

Of course, I’ll have to bust my ass, but that’s a given. I’m here for it. In my past, I’d run from a moment like this, or figure out a way to sabotage it. Not today. I’ve got favor on my life and I will honor it.

Patience Is Life-Sustaining

Whatever hurdles come and trap I find, that’s when patience shines. Patience isn’t a magical power to endure. It’s vision to know this slice of time is temporary. That’s the goodness of time. It passes. Thankfully nothing last forever, and if we keep a heart of gratitude we will experience the fullness of joy in each moment.

To be more specific, patience is long-term vision. It’s the ability to sacrifice current comfort and perfection for the long gain. This is what the Father does with us. He’s not concerned with this moment, and yet His hand is moving us along all the same. He knows the outcome, so the score doesn’t matter.

To us, the score matters. We look up at the scoreboard and fret when we think we are behind. Jesus has ice water in his veins. There’s no rush in His voice, no hurry to His pace. He is patient, because He plays a different game.

It’s the game I’m trying to play. Grace is the aggressive offense. It takes chances and doesn’t flinch when it fails. Patience is the relentless defense. Sure, battles will be lost and suffering will come. Just play the next play. The best any of us can do is forget what happened and move forward. The past is not the future.

For twenty years, the Lord built His case for me. He slowly and consistently guided me until last year, when I was able to see it. That’s the definition of patience. I thought about it last night. The Lord is never curt with me or frustrated. His voice is always kind and encouraging. I can’t make that up. I’m often unkind and impatient with myself, but not Him.

They enabled me to face some of the most difficult moments in my life without shame or embarrassment. And they light my path when my head starts to sink. I am loved and worthy of love. The Lord loves me without logic or end.

I couldn’t be more grateful for it.

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Nik Curfman 1/12/21 Nik Curfman 1/12/21

Journal: #173 Favorite Moments of 2020: Self-Care

What I can do is continue do love myself everyday. So I’ll keep going on my walks, praying and singing to the Lord, writing blog posts, and distancing myself from people who seek to become anchors around my ass. One way or another, I’m going to live and enjoy my life. It’s a gift from God, and I will treat it as such.

This post is third of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, and #4 Discovering Myself here.

Learning From Disaster

The conviction to love myself sunk into my chest on a tear-filled Friday afternoon. It was on that day I finally understood there was a part of my heart designed for me- a part of my soul only I can love and service. I’ve got to serve me as I would anyone else.

On that day, my undiagnosable stomach ailment had returned, the woman I loved was losing her battle with anxiety, and my business partner had grown distant in anticipation of our split. Unable to work, I went home and sobbed into the carpet before the Lord. I tried everything I knew to avoid this pain, but it came all the same.

Stop Ignoring Me

I believe the break-up and business split would’ve happened regardless of what I said or did. Ironically, I was on both sides of each parting. My heart was in one venture, but not in the other. What I did not do well was handle the stress and strain. I didn’t care for myself through the fire, and nearly burnt out…again.

In this place, I turned to the Lord and finally laid down the last bit of control I held. For 40 years, I’ve tried to be all the things, and now I was broken. Really broken, mind, body, and spirit.

Alright Lord, let’s do this your way. Forever.

Message From Jesus: Love Thyself

What’s amazing about that moment is the Lord turned it back on me. He told me to do what’s in my heart to do, and love myself. How awesome is that? The Holy Spirit didn’t command me to scale a mountain or get a thousand people saved. It said “be you.”

Since that afternoon in late May, I’ve learned what it means to love Nik. It looks like long walks and saying no to abusive relationships. It’s taking time to rest when my body hurts and my emotions are raw. Most importantly, it is making time every day to love and run after Jesus, to pray, to cry, and praise Him for the life He’s granted me.

This Moment Was in the Works

I can see in retrospect I’ve been on this path for the last 4-5 years. I’ve learned to love being in nature. My first trip to the Redwoods made my heart come alive as I drank in the landscape of giant trees, winding streams, and mist. During the COVID quarantine I went on a lot of walks, usually with Ms C. Even without her, I found a peace and glory in just moving through the world outside of the shelters we create.

And, I finally found the inner strength to let go of toxic relationships. I wasn’t aware of the amount of stress I carried because of the power I gave to certain voices in my life. And now that they are gone, my stress level is much lower. The lack of shitty voices also created a space for new people to shine. This is the glory of God too.

Jesus Loved and Valued Himself

The world tells us we must tolerate the bullshit people fling at us. It’s not true. Jesus was not a passive doormat. He challenged his followers, questioned His mother, and refused to conform to the norms.

No. I don’t see Jesus as some crazed, aggressive rebel as some posit Him to be. He also wept over Lazarus, felt compassion on the poor and down-hearted, and made time for the children. He preached of an eternal loving Father, grace for all, and hope for the hopeless.

If I Want To Live, I Gotta Love

None of us can stand in the place of our calling without strength, hope, and faith. And those of us who dare to threaten hell will be tested and attacked. One way to combat this is in the daily service of our physical bodies, our minds, and our hearts. This is why Jesus slept and often went away into the wilderness.

Yes. I plan and aim to be a mighty man of the Lord, whatever it looks like. I will expand the Kingdom and push the darkness back. I can’t do that if I’m full of fear, constantly worried what people will think, or unable to care for myself.

Love Is A Daily Habit

Last year was painful at times, and I expect to have more pain in the future. If I love a woman and she can’t or doesn’t want to love me back, there’s nothing I can do about it. If someone I partner with decides to go a different way or default on our agreement, there’s not much I can do but bleed and heal.

That’s life.

What a gracious moment in the middle of a storm. To feel the conviction of what “love thyself” truly means and see what it is. Thank you Lord for this kindness. It came without guilt or sadness, and in a moment when my ears were open.

Thank you Lord. Your rebuke is truly better than secret love. It is not condemnation but a call to a higher level of life in You.

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Nik Curfman 1/8/21 Nik Curfman 1/8/21

Journal: #169 Favorite Moments of 2020: Loving Who I Am

In 2020, I learned I can no longer ignore myself. I must love who I am and respect the desires of my heart. It means I’ve got to run after what I buried…and trust the Lord. I am enough. What I want and who I am is enough.

This post is fourth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, and #5 Growing in Gratitude here.

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed if you will. Beginning in April of 2020, I was given the opportunity to explore my heart. Ignoring my heart, my soul, my being has only led to pain and suffering. On this occasion I was ready to let it be what it is, not what I think it should be.

I want to explain this process was not and is not easy. The examination of my inner being, what gives me life, where I find joy and wonder, is a scary. Yet, as I write, I am aware of a deeper more intimidating task.

It’s one thing to say what we want or who are. It’s another to guard and protect it, to nourish and feed it, to love ourselves the way we love others. This is the riskiest gambit of all. What if I fail at being me? What if my heart and soul tricked me? And, I will be poor and alone forever?

Therein lay the biggest lie: what I am, who I am, what I want isn’t good enough. But, good enough for what? For who? So now, for the first time I will admit something. I’ve been so scared of being a poor husband and father I judged all of my life choices and desires through this lens. The choices I made in life from trying to lose weight to becoming a partner in a BBQ business were for them.

The desires in my heart- to love people, to write, to sculpt, to invest- weren’t good enough. I’d never make enough money to support them the way I being myself. So….I’ve got to be someone else.

This blog is more than just a blog, is an enduring demonstration of self-love. Every day I write and post is a moment I choose to love me, to feed my heart, and be who I am. Some days are more rewarding than others, and some more difficult. Regardless of the result, I never regret this space. Regardless of how many people read my words, I will continue to write. And no matter what any woman thinks, I won’t stop.

I still have to learn a lot about what it means to love myself and serve my heart. It’s easy to slip into old patterns of fear, to put off the scary and intimidating. But, I will not relent or make excuses. Gains will be made followed by the occasion step back. I’m ok with that.

Above all, learning to love myself includes being kind and gracious with me. It’s ok when I fail and the world seems to weigh heavier than normal. It’s ok when my future seems like a long way off. And it’s definitely ok that I’m not perfect.

I love me, my brain, my heart, and my constant belief in good of each human. I love my heart for God and His presence, and delicious food. And, I really love my ability to continue on through pain and disappointment.

2020 gave me the opportunity to love and appreciate me, and face my fears. How great is that?

Here is short form list of a few more aspects of who I am:

I am more risk tolerant than most. An individual’s ability to handle risk, to live in uncertainty, face the possibility of loss or pain depends on the person. In the last ten years alone, I moved around the country, held various jobs in various fields, and met a lot of people. And the older I get the more effort I put into life. I don’t mind change or think failure is the end.
I don’t love sports, but they are ok. I was once a massive sports fan, not any more. I didn’t miss basketball or baseball when they were cancelled last spring. But, this fall, I found myself enjoying college football in a detached way. I think i could learn to be a super casual sports fan.
Being a foodie is not part of my identity. For years, I ingratiated myself to people through food. I cooked for people and propped myself up as an expert. My knowledge and experience is vast, so it’s not a bad way to lead into a new relationship. It’s just not how I want to be seen and known. I love my creativity and compassion for people, and that’s how I want to be known.
I’d rather be outside than inside. Again, thank God for COVID. Without the distraction of sports, I got outside. I love it. I love walks and hikes, the clouds and sun. The progression of nature through each season is far more interesting than anything on TV. It’s slow and methodical, yet relentless.
My future is bright. One thing I love about myself is I am a fighter. I didn’t see it until this year, but I will not be a person “stuck in my ways.” I want to learn, to grow, to live better and love people more than I did a year ago. My growth is uneven and inconsistent, but it is trending in the right direction.

I’ll finish by repeating what I wrote in the introduction. My decision to listen to the Lord and allow Him to expose my heart was an incredible moment. I’m amazing and what’s in my heart is good. If that’s all I learned in 2020, that would be enough.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for exposing the lies that held me inside. Just as importantly, thank you for showing me the goodness you put inside me. That’s your DNA, the eternal Goodness. Forgive me for ignoring it until now. I want to make up for time lost. I know we will.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/4/21 Nik Curfman 1/4/21

Journal: #166 Favorite Moments of 2020: Growing In Gratitude

I’m not a victim. My life is filled with amazing people and opportunities. Despite the current hurdles and stresses, I am awash in the favor and grace of the Lord.

This post is fifth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, and #6 Walking Away From BBQ here.

In Need of a Boost

The irony of writing this post today is not lost on me. The Lord, in all his greatness, knew I’d need a reminder about the importance and impact gratitude has in my life. In fact, my last five favorite moments of 2020 all center on my relationship with Jesus. We found new heights together last year. I do not intend, plan, or will allow myself to go backward in 2021.

The insecure victim I knew is dead. Thanks be to God.

And, that’s the point. I’m not a victim. My life is filled with amazing people and opportunities. Despite the current hurdles and stresses, I am awash in the favor and grace of the Lord.

COVID Isolation Taking a Toll

I think what I need as much as anything is a hug. Since I returned to northern California, I’ve been almost completely alone. It’s not healthy. Add to that the normal of amount of stress and pressure, I realized I’m starting to feel distant from the Lord. Which is a lie.

God of the Universe, creator of time and space, is my best friend- always there, always kind, always ready to love me and listen. Whatever gap I sense between us is really in my head, not my Kingdom reality. He’s the one who pointed out my loneliness.

Oddly, the key to beating loneliness is not to commune with a bunch of people. That’s not what loneliness is, not for me. Loneliness is the belief I am alone, because no one cares about me. I am alone because I’m unworthy of love. It becomes the lens I use to see the world, and I ultimately project that lie onto Jesus.

Gratitude is a Weapon

The way I combat and defeat loneliness is by looking at the glory of God in my life. When I begin to look at what’s good, what’s gives me joy, the amazing people I count as close friends, and doors I get to open…I laugh. I’m rich by any standard of the human condition.

Gratitude became something I knew I needed in 2017, so I started to keep a journal. By late 2018, I began each day with the prayer, “Thank you Lord for this day. I trust you.” Then early this year, I began to understand the true power gratitude. It helped me get through the roughest part of my relationship with my (x) girlfriend, and kept me steady in the aftermath of our breakup.

I appreciated her for who is she and was, not who I wanted her to be. I never focused on the problems or flaws in our relationship. (I didn’t ignore the problems, but I believed in us. I did learn I need to be more proactive in addressing complications and issues.) It’s a perspective I do not regret and want to carry with me into the next relationship.

Gratitude Creates Life

Bigger than that, I want to carry an attitude of gratitude into all areas of my life. It’s life changing. I once wondered how certain people always saw the silver lining, but now I get it. Yes. Parts of life suck.Any idiot can state the obvious when I house is in flames or a loved one is dying. I want to be the person thankful for a new house to build or the time I got to spend with my sick friend.

In my life, as I type, I have a couple of those scenarios playing out in real time. As I typed this post I also texted a friend in Texas. His dad might not make it through the night, and my friend is facing the possibility of that new reality. (We are not conceding anything to the enemy. God has performed bigger miracles than this.) I’m thankful I get to be a friend to my friend, to pray when he has neither the strength or desire, to sit with him in his grief. It’s an honor.

It Opens the Door to Joy

I’ll finish with one small secret. Gratitude paves the way for joy, because joy is the instant recognition of God’s goodness. Once I or anyone begin to train our minds and hearts to look for what’s good, we will begin to see it everywhere. When we see Him everywhere, we find life is enjoyable, especially when we the tide is against us.

Lord, thank you for being so good. Thank you for never limiting your compassion or favor. It’s awesome what you’ve done for me and every human on this planet. Please touch my friends suffering loss and those who are sick. I know you love them. I release healing and vision to the weary, and I bind lies and loneliness. I ask for these things in the name of Jesus the Christ.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/3/21 Nik Curfman 1/3/21

Journal: #165 Favorite Moments of 2020: Walking Away From BBQ

The Lord works in truly mind-bending ways. His plan wasn’t for Nik to become a BBQ magnate, but to put me into a position to tear down the wall between me and my destiny.

This post is sixth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, and read #7 My Love of Writing here.

The Choice

“What do you want to do?” Jason asked.

I didn’t understand the question, mainly because I didn’t think I had an option. “What do you mean?” I replied. “What do you think is best?” Jason answered.

I sat on the couch now aware of what Jason asked me. He wanted to know if I agreed with his belief: it’s best for the business if we ended our partnership. I took a moment to answer him. I held two competing answers. I could stay, and try to work it out with Jason. Or I could go, but to what?

I needed wisdom.

Bad Partnership

I moved from San Francisco back to Redding in 2019 to be Jason’s business partner at Odell Craft BBQ. It’s a business he built out of his backyard with plenty of help from his family and friends. I helped him with pop-ups and large catered events since 2016, and now we were gonna bring delicious OG BBQ to northern California.

I left the tech scene in the Bay Area and he left his comfortable mortgage broker job to make our venture work. We were both all-in.

Cliche but no less true, we had a rocky partnership from start to finish. Jason and I rarely saw eye-to-eye on anything, and we do not have the same values. He’s a task worker with passable people skills. I hate doing the same thing everyday. What he valued was my physical labor, and I did not. (Anyone can cut broccoli and clean dishes.) I value my creativity and want to move things forward. He’s a thinker who will take years to make a simple decision.

He was never going to value my contributions to the business the way I did, so I was never really his partner. I was an employee with a lot of responsibility. But, that’s not why we didn’t work as partners. None of what I just explained is.

My Heart Wasn’t In It

The problem was me. I took his “partnership” offer because it was the opportunity in front of me. And, until that point, Jason and I got along really well. My heart- the kind of heart one needs to persevere and sacrifice for a vision- was never in it.

I took the partnership offer for the money potential. It’s that simple. I will admit, I fooled myself. I thought I was made the best decision for me when I accepted Jason’s offer. I didn’t hate serving BBQ, and was happy to move back to Redding.

Ultimately, I could care less about selling food to people. A great restaurant is built on the predictability of the food and service, but I find it boring and repetitive. It’s just not for me.

The Beginning of My Beginning

Toward the end of our run together, I began to see a business coach about my issues with Jason. He identified some deep pain in my chest. And I knew, it was time to face that pain. 2020 was the year I was to slay the oldest of my dragons: fear of being myself. It was the goodness of God on my life. The Lord didn’t bring me back to Redding to sling BBQ. He brought me back to unleash the purpose He put in my heart.

It was an odd, sad, yet amazing moment in my life. As I watched my girlfriend pull away and the business slip through my fingers, I grew stronger in who I am. On a Friday afternoon, alone in my apartment, I faced my fears and released them to the Lord. I was tired of trying to be someone else, of making choices in direct conflict with my heart.

Three days later, after I told the Lord I wanted to be me, no more trying to be who I am supposed to be, Ms. C broke up with me and Jason asked “What do you think is best?”

My Decision to Walk Away

Before I answered Jason I prayed, “Lord, where is the fear? What am I afraid of?” The Lord responded, “Remove the fear from each thought, then what do you want?” I was not afraid of staying with Jason, dread was more like it. I was afraid of moving on into the unknown, but what if I wasn’t? Instantly, I knew my answer.

It was time for me to move on from OCB. It was time to put all my trust in what I could not see and be the person the Father created me to be. In that moment, I began to walk by faith and not sight.

I turned to Jason and said,”Yeah man. I don’t want to do this any more. Let’s end it.”

(For a few days, I felt like I failed as business partner. Fortunately, I had a buddy from Austin who praised me when he said,” Welcome to being an entrepreneur. Everyone has a failed partnership or two.”)

Learning and Growing

I was not a good partner to Jason Odell, even though I tried. I made demands of his business he could not or ever fill. He never once saw the financial strain as a bad thing. He never once put himself in my shoes. Everything in our relationship was about him, and he only responded to my angry protests. I yelled, screamed, and cussed him out on multiple occasions. I hate that version of Nik. Literally. Hate. It.

It’s my fault. I was a round peg desperately trying to jam myself into a square hole. I couldn’t see then as I do now, it was never going to work. I caused a lot of pain because I refused to address my pain.

From this moment, I took a few nuggets forever burned into my heart:

God is good. It’s never a mistake to trust Him. His grace is new every morning.
Pain unaddressed festers and molds me into something I hate.
Any time I feel ignored, unloved, unappreciated, lonely, unqualified, etc- I face it. I take time to go sit with the Lord and root it out.
I have to be myself and do what’s in my heart to do.
No amount of compliments or praise from others will ever be enough to satisfy my insecurity. I’ve got to affirm myself and my heart (every day.)
I am a creative people person. It’s unfair to me or any employer for me to expect to be happy at task work.

I’m not sure what anyone in my community- those who know Jason and me- think about our split. Frankly, I don’t care. I know it was for the best, and we are both in better situations because of it. The Lord works in truly mind-bending ways. His plan wasn’t for Nik to become a BBQ magnate, but to put me into a position to tear down the wall between me and my destiny.

Thank God. I’d do it a million times over, because it was worth every painful second.

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Nik Curfman 1/2/21 Nik Curfman 1/2/21

Journal: #164 Favorite Moments of 2020: Writing

This blog post will be number 164, almost half way to 330 (my unofficial goal for my first full year of blogging.) I’m proud of myself. It’s not about the number or the increase in the number of readers. I’m proud I decided to do something my heart wants, and the number of posts shows that dedication.

This post is seventh of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, and #8 Family and Friends here.

No Job Satisfaction

My dad once asked me if I ever had a job I enjoyed. My quick and honest answer was no. He was shocked and sad for me. Over the course of his life he held several jobs he genuinely loved, and I had no idea what that was like. From the time I started working in my teens until this year, I was never excited about my work.

To be fair, there were moments I enjoyed my restaurants or non-profit work, but they were fleeting and not about the actual work. Whenever I liked what I did it was based on the people or the money. I held no intrinsic value for the job itself.

I’m Not Built For Task Work

For starters, I am not a task oriented person. I get very little satisfaction out of mindless tasks like cutting broccoli, responding to email, or routine marketing meetings. Boring.

I was built for challenges, to solve problems, and be creative. Rarely have my career choices offered me those options. I accept responsibility for it. I chose to neglect who I was, because I didn’t think I could be me.

What My Heart Wants

This year I decided to unearth my heart and listen to it. It told me to love people and be creative. Despite being inexperienced and undeveloped in both areas, I knew that’s what I had to do. No more dedication to mind-numbing tasks or a paycheck.

To Write

I’ve always loved to write be it in spiral journals or blogs. What held me back was a need to be seen as important or relevant. I wanted my writing to be profound and impact people. I needed the approval of others to validate what I write.

In 2020 I learned I had to do certain things, like write, because I need to do them. I write because I have to express myself, because I’ve got something to say, and because it satisfies a deep urge to create and over come a challenge. Each day and every blog post is me in my most honest form. It’s sloppy and unappealing at times. But, a day doesn’t feel like a day without it.

To Be Honest and Encourage

I hope Fearlessgrit becomes more than a place for me to write blog posts. I have plane to bring on more writers, to share their voice and experiences. The ultimate goal is to be a place of vulnerable encourage from normal folks to normal folks. However, should that never happen, I continue to type and press publish.

Simply put, writing gives me life. I take risks and push myself to be honest. At least once a week I question what I posted. Was it too honest? Did I say too much? Should I keep using cuss words? The answer is always no. This is my story and I get to tell it. As such, writing will never be about numbers or personal glory.

To Be Me

The biggest praise or compliment of my writing came from my parents. (Everyday they read my posts, which makes being honest especially nerve wracking at times.) Each parent, in separate conversation, told be how much my writing meant to them. I told myself, “good, that’s enough for me.” If the only people my writing touches is my parents, that’s more than enough.

Listen to Your Heart

To you, my dear reader, please do the thing in your heart to do. We all have something. Love yourself no matter what the result or who’s watching. You need you.

Lord, thank you for loving me and putting people in my life who helped steer me to this moment. Thank you for showing me what’s in my heart to do, and loving me even when I was miles from this place. I love you.

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Nik Curfman 1/1/21 Nik Curfman 1/1/21

Journal: #163 Favorite Moments of 2020: My Family and Friends

In 2020, I was honored and was given the opportunity to honor others in profound ways. And my family and friends, once again, were solid as rocks when I needed them to be.

This post is eighth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, and #9 Part 2 The (X) Girlfriend here.

What is Friendship?

What makes a good friendship? It’s a questions I’ve asked myself throughout my life, and the answer is complicated. It’s also simple. True friendship is when two people find joy in each other, and honor it.

In 2020, I was honored and was given the opportunity to honor others in profound ways. And my family and friends, once again, were solid as rocks when I needed them to be. I also had to let some people go, which is normal. Some people want to remain victims of life, complain about their circumstances, and hate accountability.

When it comes to my family and friends, I’m blessed beyond measure. I don’t have enough words or space to talk about every single person, so I’ll focus on a few.

Jess from Texas

I met Jesse nearly twenty years ago in Charlotte, North Carolina. We were both ministry school students and she became my de facto ride to school every morning. Looking back, it was very kind of her to do so given we barely knew each other.

Eventually, she moved away- to England? Then to Texas(?) where Jess met and married Rob. There they lived until early 2019 when the couple moved to Redding for Rob’s career. I live in San Francisco at the time, but it was the first time Jess and I lived in the same timezone in fifteen years. It was nice.

In May of 2019 I moved back to Redding when I formed a business partnership. My old friends was there, waiting on me.

When people say “God has a plan” it’s usually in response to a tragic random event. We say it to find comfort in the dark storms, but I can honestly say- with conviction- the Lord brought Jess to Redding for me. (And yes, for her and her family.) The last year and half have been some of the most difficult and trying times of my life. Jess was there every step of the way.

When I need someone to take me to the ER, to give me a place to sob after a break up, to bounce ideas off, and generally hold be accountable: Jess was there. She didn’t run from my pain or shame. She didn’t take it personally. And, she gave without pause. And Rob…he let’s Jess be Jess. What trust they have for each other.

I get teary-eyed when I think about when she and Rob will move to Texas. What she’s given me, I can never repay. If ever I needed proof the Lord loves me, it’s in the way Jess treats me. (She’s no push over trying to win my friendship. Jess is strong, and NEVER tells me what I want to hear. It’s not in her nature to sugar coat or lie. It’s part of what makes her great, even though Texas is a humid armpit of America.)

My Parents are Awesome

One of my favorite moments of 2020 was when I flew back to South Carolina to surprise my dad on his birthday. It’s a double bonus, because where dad is mom is too. That long weekend we enjoyed each other, smoked cigarettes, and hiked through the Congaree Swamp.

What I love about my relationship with my parents is it seems to be getting better. They value me as a person, and I try to find new ways to learn from them. To state the obvious, I’m blessed. They are a big reason my visits to Columbia have become something I look forward to instead of something I dread.

Grace of God in Human Form

As stated at the start, I could fill up a vast amount of internet talking about my great friendships. In 2020, my community loved and accepted me like never before. They supported my business decisions, listened to me cry, and challenged me be vulnerable.

Most importantly, that God’s goodness comes in many forms and from many places. It’s part of what made last year a great year in my eyes.

On the ‘morrow, I’m gonna discuss my new love: writing.

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Nik Curfman 12/30/20 Nik Curfman 12/30/20

Journal: #161 Favorite Moments of 2020: The (x) Girlfriend Pt. 1

She’s still the amazing person I thought she was last year. It’s been seven months since we broke up, and still miss my friend. So instead of bemoaning my fate like a child, I choose to be thankful for her and our time together.

This post is ninth (part 1) of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link, and this is moment #10: Oregon.

About that old GirlFriend

When I made my list of top moments in 2020, I didn’t know where to place this one. If you scroll back through my writing I talk about her and our breakup a good bit. I learned a lot about myself from the experience, and I regret nothing. I’m thankful for the opportunity to date and love someone truly amazing…and flawed.

Part 1 of 2: Proud Moments

I decided to break moment up into two posts, because I want to cover a lot of topics in detail. This post will focus on what I’m proud of in regards to how I acted, and tomorrow I will review what I learned.

Ms C is type of rare combination of traits, characteristics, and personality I’m looking for in a woman. She’s affectionate, honest, and kind. At her best, she speaks her mind and adds life to every rooms she’s in. I liked the way she could cut through the human bullshit to see dynamics I couldn’t. She’s quirky too, aka not a basic white girl.

Of course, being human, she has weaknesses and flaws. I will not list them here.

1. Realistic Expectations

The first thing I’m proud of is I never put Ms C on a pedestal. I accepted her for who and what she is. When we broke up, I wasn’t shocked or surprised. Did I cry for days and weeks…months? Yes. Everyday. I liked and wanted her. But, even before we started dating, I saw a breakup as a possibility.

2. Risked Everything Just to Date Her

Secondly, I’m glad I risked asking her out. At the time she was my employee and will forever remain ten years younger than me. There were tons of reasons not to date her, but I liked her. I was myself around her, and we enjoyed being together. I took a risk then, and I’d do it all over again.

This next moment of pride might seem a bit odd, so just go with it.

3. NO Planning Ahead

I didn’t get ahead of myself with Ms C. Even though I was in love with her, I knew we both had to face our issues if we were to be together. It’s crazy to me to reflect on it. I wanted her, but I had an awareness it wouldn’t be that simple.

Yes, we made plans for a family reunion and the holidays. And yes, I wanted to marry her. But…as stated above, I needed to see us make it through the hard stuff. I knew what I wanted, but I needed her to want it too. I needed her to be willing to do what it takes when you choose the other person.

Because I knew we had to clear some hurdles, I never thought about looking at rings or talking to her parents. And yes, I’m proud of that.

4. I Gave Her Everything I Had

Cliche as it sounds, I did my best. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Many. That’s why I will write another post tomorrow on what I learned. But, I gave her everything I had. Whatever mistakes I made were honest. From the beginning to the tearful end, I’m proud I didn’t hold back or “protect my heart.” (In the near future I will write an in-depth post on why that’s a load of bullshit- protect[ing] your heart.)

5. I Leaned into Jesus

The one constant during my time with Ms C was the Lord. And, I knew I had to hold onto to Him no matter what if I was going to make it. Everyday, regardless of what was happening in our relationship, I laid it at His feet. Over and over again I prayed the same prayer: Lord, thank you for this day. I trust you. Thank you for Ms C, and Your will be done in our relationship today.

6. I Never Gave Into Shame or the Pain

I’ll close with this: I did my best to breakup well with Ms C. By the end of our relationship, she was riddled with anxiety and fear. I was no longer a source of comfort, peace, or joy. When the time came, I had to let her go. She needed space to walk with Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit work in her heart. So did I.

I proud of myself for I loved her to the very end. I refused to give in, and relented only when it was the right choice. When we said our goodbyes, I let it be. No arguments. No outbursts. No shame.

I have no regrets. Part 2 tomorrow.

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Nik Curfman 12/28/20 Nik Curfman 12/28/20

Journal: #159 Why I Love 2020

Now, I am able to find joy in each day no matter how difficult a day it was. That’s a good place to be. So, 2020 has been a year of favor, grace, and love. I want carry its with me the victories and wisdom into 2021 and beyond.

Only a few cold days left in 2020. I’m probably in a small group of people who aren’t ready for it to end. Despite COVID-19, civil unrest, the elections, a breakup, and a failed business partnership…2020 has been my favorite year as an adult. Crazy, eh? I just can’t hate any part of this year. It’s been a life changer, and I am forever grateful.

The single biggest positive change is my life is the total dedication to my relationship with Jesus. To the best of my ability, I’ve run after the Lord as He instructed in Matthew 6:33. Instead of trying to fix myself and all the parts of it, I’ve started by running after the Holy Spirit. This year we built a relationship based on trust, honesty, and faith. And the fruit is obvious. While I still experience sadness, anxiety, and frustration, those feelings don’t dominate my life or how I see myself.

Over the next ten days I will list my top ten favorite moments of 2020, and I already gave you a preview of #1.

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Nik Curfman 12/6/20 Nik Curfman 12/6/20

Journal: #139 Faith For What?

Faith is a trust in the Holy One. Miracles are merely one way faith becomes visible. I’m alive only because God intervened. My life is a miracle. No one can see it the same way the would a new leg or arm, but it’s no less real.

I don’t want to limit God or Faith or what what a miracle is. Life and love exists in many forms, and I want it all.

I find it easy to see the blessings of God in my life as inevitable, which I find alarming. In response to this insecurity I begin to demand more from the Lord. More supernatural “stuff.” I want visions and miracles and angels and to walk on water. I’m a kid, and I feel insecure. What I’m really asking is for assurance from my Father.

I Want All The Things

This summer, for the first time in many years and seasons of life, I asked the Lord for more of Him. I want of all of it, whatever I can handle and what I can’t. Gimme all the love, grace, revelation, joy, vision, purpose, etc.

During the previous week, I asked the Lord to be God. I asked Him to work on my heart and heal parts of it only a real God can heal. He answered that prayer. Honestly. During the last 72 hours, I don’t feel overwhelmed by rejection and shame. I feel good.

Old Habits Must Die

As if on cue, today I started to question how good I felt. I began to question God. It stems from a long believed lie. What lie is that you ask? It’s this: God’s goodness depends on how I feel. In this case there is a twist. I know God is real and gracious in my pain, but where is He my success? Seems odd to me, but follow along.

The lie builds on itself. It says, if I feel good then God feels good about me. And, if God feels good about me, then I should walk in miracles and supernatural happenings. The big danger is when I reverse that line of thinking:

If miracles and supernatural happenings are not obviously present in my life, then something is wrong with me. Therefore, if I feel good, but no miracles, I’m in some kind of sin or deception. I must figure it out!

It’s another form of judgement and self-abuse. I gotta laugh at how ingrained these thoughts patterns and deceptions can be.

Growth Is Slow, But Good

I love this moment. The Lord is rooting out those things which caused pain to me and others. It’s a process, and I am submitted to it. I look forward to the days when I feel good and do not look for pain. I long for the days when judgement is not a part of my life.

The growth I’ve experienced in 2020 is incredible. Before this year, it would’ve been hard for me to find personal grace. Now, I love myself enough to relax, and I don’t beat myself up (for too long.) Isn’t this a miracle too? I am slowly developing my eyes to see myself and others the way the Lord does. I suspect it will be a while before I notice judgement is not part of my life, because I will not be looking for it.

Clearly, my blind spots exist, but that won’t keep me from running after Him. He’s healing me from the inside out. It’s good, and I am thankful. Faith is making space for God to be God, and He’s got the map. His view of growth and where Nik needs to be is different than the lies of comparison and judgment. I’m allowed to enjoy life and feel good about me.

I don’t want to limit God or Faith or what what a miracle is. Life and love exists in many forms, and I want it all.

Lord, thank you for your kindness and faithfulness. Thank you for honoring my prayers and tinkering with my heart, especially when I’m looking the other way. Keep it up. Thank you expanding my vision beyond what they were.

And touch my hurting and ailing friends and family. Carry away their sicknesses and cover them with joy.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/7/20 Nik Curfman 10/7/20

DJ: #81 I Can’t Hate On 2020

But, on a personal level, 2020 is awesome. Extremely hard, but awesome. I’ll look back on this year as a year I decided to soar. I no longer define my life by what I lack or how I fail. I no longer seek instant fixes or freak out over moments of insecurity. I am not who I was, and I’m thrilled about it.

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Seems like most people agree 2020 is/was a shit year. Without question 2020 has held some dark moments- coronavirus, the UK leaving the EU, racial injustice, rising unemployment, international tensions, the nastiness that is a US Presidential election, rising violence, various shortages, etc. Good Lord, it’s a lot. And, we still have roughly 82 days left in the year. Geez.

I think what I find most interesting is I’m not tired of the fight. I battle shit everyday- anxiety, depression, disbelief- and I’m unfazed. Usually, I would be deep down a hole of self-judgment by now. (Come on Nik, this is the third week in row.) How human a thing to do, to judge ourselves? But here I am, happy with me. I finally understand Paul’s admission to the Corinthians (4:3-4.)

3 I care very little, however, if I am judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not vindicate me. It is the Lord who judges me.

I am encouraged because I see the true value of persistence and dedication. It also helps to have vision beyond the moment, month, year. By valuing persistence and vision, I do not place undue burden on the present. Whatever we are, and whatever we become, is the work of a thousand decisions.

It only takes one choice to change direction, and a change in direction is the beginning of new journey. I am often thrilled to begin a new thing, as I envision the payoff. Where I, and many others, bog down is in the middle. After the novelty wears thin and the reality of the mission takes center stage, my heart has to be in it- whatever I’m pursuing.

Everything I’ve ever quit was because I didn’t think the pain was worth the payoff. Everything I’ve endured, I did. It’s really that simple.

As an adult, I rarely lacked the ability to endure what my heart didn’t support. It was super frustrating to believe I wanted a career or relationship only to realize it isn’t what I wanted. (Until this year, most of my motivation stemmed from shame and fear.) I believe most people know the feeling.

Now my fears come from what if I fail? Fortunately, the more I lean into being who I am the less I need affirmation. In fact, it’s not about “success vs failure”. I see now its about being, not a measurement. I write a blog everyday, and hardly anyone reads them. I don’t care. I’m here because I want to be here. I like writing, and I feel alive when I type.

Despite the failures of 2020, I fell in love with Jesus and myself. And if nothing else progresses, I will celebrate that. Always.

Thank you Lord for 2020. I’m so happy for this year.