Journal: #139 Faith For What?

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

I find it easy to see the blessings of God in my life as inevitable, which I find alarming. In response to this insecurity I begin to demand more from the Lord. More supernatural “stuff.” I want visions and miracles and angels and to walk on water. I’m a kid, and I feel insecure. What I’m really asking is for assurance from my Father.

I Want All The Things

This summer, for the first time in many years and seasons of life, I asked the Lord for more of Him. I want of all of it, whatever I can handle and what I can’t. Gimme all the love, grace, revelation, joy, vision, purpose, etc.

During the previous week, I asked the Lord to be God. I asked Him to work on my heart and heal parts of it only a real God can heal. He answered that prayer. Honestly. During the last 72 hours, I don’t feel overwhelmed by rejection and shame. I feel good.

Old Habits Must Die

As if on cue, today I started to question how good I felt. I began to question God. It stems from a long believed lie. What lie is that you ask? It’s this: God’s goodness depends on how I feel. In this case there is a twist. I know God is real and gracious in my pain, but where is He my success? Seems odd to me, but follow along.

The lie builds on itself. It says, if I feel good then God feels good about me. And, if God feels good about me, then I should walk in miracles and supernatural happenings. The big danger is when I reverse that line of thinking:

If miracles and supernatural happenings are not obviously present in my life, then something is wrong with me. Therefore, if I feel good, but no miracles, I’m in some kind of sin or deception. I must figure it out!

It’s another form of judgement and self-abuse. I gotta laugh at how ingrained these thoughts patterns and deceptions can be.

Growth Is Slow, But Good

I love this moment. The Lord is rooting out those things which caused pain to me and others. It’s a process, and I am submitted to it. I look forward to the days when I feel good and do not look for pain. I long for the days when judgement is not a part of my life.

The growth I’ve experienced in 2020 is incredible. Before this year, it would’ve been hard for me to find personal grace. Now, I love myself enough to relax, and I don’t beat myself up (for too long.) Isn’t this a miracle too? I am slowly developing my eyes to see myself and others the way the Lord does. I suspect it will be a while before I notice judgement is not part of my life, because I will not be looking for it.

Clearly, my blind spots exist, but that won’t keep me from running after Him. He’s healing me from the inside out. It’s good, and I am thankful. Faith is making space for God to be God, and He’s got the map. His view of growth and where Nik needs to be is different than the lies of comparison and judgment. I’m allowed to enjoy life and feel good about me.

Faith is a trust in the Holy One. Miracles are merely one way faith becomes visible. I’m alive only because God intervened. My life is a miracle. No one can see it the same way the would a new leg or arm, but it’s no less real.

I don’t want to limit God or Faith or what what a miracle is. Life and love exists in many forms, and I want it all.

Lord, thank you for your kindness and faithfulness. Thank you for honoring my prayers and tinkering with my heart, especially when I’m looking the other way. Keep it up. Thank you expanding my vision beyond what they were.

And touch my hurting and ailing friends and family. Carry away their sicknesses and cover them with joy.

Amen.


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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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