Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 5/23/22 Nik Curfman 5/23/22

Abstract: What It’s Like To Go To The Gym

A poem, about the battle in my head when I go to the gym. (Not always.)

It’s easier and more comforting to give-in,

it’s the habit you know best.

Just sit dow, pull out your phone, and stare at it.

That’s what your brain wants and your poor tired heart wants.

Isn’t it hard and embarrassing to fall,

to watch your face become more round instead of less?

You have a safe place on that couch, you know?

No dismissive glances or knowing smirks.

Think of the gas you use to go to the gym,

hardly seems worth the effort.

Oh, you’re gonna do this, eh?

Your shoes are dirty,

clean them first.

No? Why not?

Ack, it’s too bright outside to workout.

Just go back insi—

Look at all the cars here, that’s too many.

…the front door staff thinks you’re a fatass.

Everyone else is going faster than you including that old lady.

Look! That stupid boomer is complaining about Joe Biden on the TV.

What a joke. Are you really going to be part of a gym with people like him?

Don’t look at the pretty girls. DON’T EVEN LOOK.

STARE AT THE CEILING YOU CREEP.

(Wouldn’t it be easier to stay home.)

Just…don’t…

Free weights?!

What the fu—

Nik Curfman 7/27/21 Nik Curfman 7/27/21

Abstract: Armed, No Longer Helpless

I’m here to battle it,

through the intention of thought, through discipline, and love.

These are the moments the Spirit armed me to address,

and I will not back down from the fight.

I awoke early this morning,

in a daze of depression and self-doubt.

Everything is wrong,

and all my answers seem void.

Why do I cycle through these phases,

from stability into emotional darkness?

My head is below the surface,

and the waves toss me where they will.

But I, through Love and Grace,

planted the seeds of salvation for this moment.

I can’t control my emotions,

but I decide if they control me.

This is not rock bottom.

I’ve been there before.

This fragment of life is a snapshot,

a sliver of unhappiness in a sea of gratitude.

I will write, hike, and pray,

work, cry and find laughs.

Whatever depression is/how it works,

Is not for me to understand.

I’m here to battle it,

through the intention of thought, through discipline, and love.

These are the moments the Spirit armed me to address,

and I will not back down from the fight.

Nik Curfman 6/14/21 Nik Curfman 6/14/21

Journal: #306 Another Round With Anxiety

Today is one of those days where everything is rotten, broken, or shabby. It feels like I’m trying to climb a greased wall, blindfolded, with stubs for hands. To add to the frustration, I feel simultaneously forgotten and belittled. Both are perceptions of how the world sees me. I know both feelings are wrong, which doesn’t make me feel better. No. Ironically, I feel worse knowing my thoughts are wrong. I hate battling this shit.

Today is one of those days where everything is rotten, broken, or shabby. It feels like I’m trying to climb a greased wall, blindfolded, with stubs for hands. To add to the frustration, I feel simultaneously forgotten and belittled. Both are perceptions of how the world sees me. I know both feelings are wrong, which doesn’t make me feel better. No. Ironically, I feel worse knowing my thoughts are wrong. I hate battling this shit.

I was supposed to kick it with a buddy tonight, Nathan. He’s a kid to me, at 26 years old. We meant to celebrate his engagement. I am eager to do so, but not tonight. Tonight, I’m not going to push myself to the back and pretend to be ok with the world. I love my friend. If he were me, I’d tell him to do exactly what I’m doing.

Lies, fear and inward navel-gazing are how I am attacked. What I love about this moment is I know how to handle it. I’m going to spend the rest of my evening doing what it takes to push back the darkness and bullshit. That’s all it is. I’ve done this before, and it’ll happen again. I’m not sure a complete victory of anxiety is possible, but I do believe I walk in victory over it. I win by fight back, asking questions, and declaring the truth. The truth I am not rotten or broken.

PS- Mom, I’m ok.

Nik Curfman 5/15/21 Nik Curfman 5/15/21

Journal: #280 God With Me

The last year I was stripped of girlfriend, business, a few friends, a few family members, etc. But, I grew in other areas- how to love myself, marketing, investing, drawings and painting, etc. Most importantly, I grew in my relationship with the Lord. Whenever I am in the fight- like today- it helps to remember just how far I’ve come in the last twelve months. Pretty far, a complete life overhaul.

Today is a hazy day. I slept in until after 10am, and I’ve been in a daze since. It’s as though I could fall asleep at any moment. I believe the lack of rest in contributing to a generally sour disposition for me. On my morning hike I cried. I cried, cried- sloppy tears, snot, and spit. Thankfully the trail was empty, and my emotional outburst escaped notice. I feel like crap, yet unable to break through it.

To be blunt, my mind is offering solutions such as find a cannabis shop. I know if I buy a cookie I’ll be high for hours. My emotions will dull, but that’s it. Marijuana is not a solution. Experience taught me drugs are pacifiers. Nicotine, THC, alcohol, sugar, all of them. They offer brief moments of pleasure, and possibly heighten an experience. But, they are never a cure. No amount of weed or alcohol will love me. No measure of sugar helps overcome rejection or insecurity.

I hate that I’ve indulged alternative ways to combat anxiety and sorrow. In moments like today- an emotional pit- it’s easy to want to run to what I know will give me a result. It’s easy to ignore the Lord, forget to love myself, and slip into cycle of self-medication and denial. Today, I write this blog to expose myself, but also uncover the lies still haunting my heart. I know drugs are bad. I don’t need a refresher. I’m also aware of the signal a desire for chemical happiness is.

I’m hurting, and now is a time to reach out to the Lord. On that trail today I asked the Lord to “carry my heart.” (It’s tactic the Lord gave me last year- a way to combat confusion and anxiety.) Within seconds I saw the Holy Spirit put my heart on her back, and proceed to parade through the woods. She danced and laughed. I wept as the Lord celebrated. It as good.

Feelings are real, and not rooted in reality. They are merely the product what we believe is true in a given moment. I am sad because I believe I am shit. I am sad is a true statement, because I am shit it not. All of my anxiety or sorrow comes from such beliefs, and I feel like a douche just for saying it. Still…this is a moment of opportunity.

Some days will be a struggle, and that’s ok. I repented. I live my life before the Lord, and He has met me. Every single day, He is there. No matter what thought derails my day, He’s by my side. Forever Immanuel. God with me.

Nik Curfman 4/27/21 Nik Curfman 4/27/21

Journal: #268 Triggered

Today was one of those days. I fought with so many people in my mind, and won so many arguments as my heart spiraled into a dark hell. At one point, I stopped myself from continuing, because the words that came out of my mouth made me cry. I was mean and nasty, a person I refuse to resurrect.

Today was one of those days. I fought with so many people in my mind, and won so many arguments as my heart spiraled into a dark hell. At one point, I stopped myself from continuing, because the words that came out of my mouth made me cry. I was mean and nasty, a person I refuse to resurrect. And, it all started when I let my imagination run away from me. In common language, I was triggered.

I hate feeling triggered. I hate I defended myself to people who aren’t in my timezone. I loathe what I said. As I type these words, I hear an asshole behind me. He’s lying to me but sounds convincing. You’re slipping. Feels true. I feel distant from Jesus, even though I know it’s not true. He’s always with me. That’s His promise to me. I know He’s in my room right now.

The truth of today is simple. I was triggered by a thought and slipped into a defensive posture. Then I caught myself, and I agreed with the asshole. Thing is…I know better. I know the dragon wants fed. But, he needs to starve. We don’t beat fear by feeding it. We conquer it through faith. So from this dark day I reach into Heaven and declare Lord, I trust you. In the words of the song, Even when I can’t see it- You’re working. That is who you are.

I’m not an asshole. I’m a man who has- on occasion- shitty thoughts and shitty responses. It’s ok. I’m not shitty. I’m amazing. My life is good, and the future is unwritten.

Nik Curfman 4/14/21 Nik Curfman 4/14/21

Journal: #256 Championship Bullshit Fighter

He taught me how to recognize bullshit, how they oppose His promises, and gave me the tools to defeat them. In this light I am no longer depressed I still battle bullshit. Perhaps a day will come when I no longer need to battle, until then I’m happy to consider myself a winner- a Championship Bullshit Fighter.

The grace and kindness of God blew me away this morning as I sat on a couch. In that moment I felt like a worthless loser. In my mind I failed at few tasks, and that failure meant I was worthless. In my self-pity I cried out,”How bizarre is it You require nothing from me? No tests or qualifications!” I said that because I feel like the world demands perfection, and I demand perfection. I expect never-ending success and happiness, despite my wisdom and experience.

I find it annoying I still battle insecurity and doubts. My place in the kingdom is secure. My heart is married to His heart, and yet…I occasionally find myself down the rabbit hole, halfway to Idiotville. On days such as this I find it difficult to appreciate my emotional nature. I have no idea what it means to ‘feel dead inside,’ but on days like today I’d like to try. (But not really. I like myself and my strong feelings.)

What I find humorous in all this- these moments of self-pity and regret- is how deft I’ve become at fighting the bullshit. If…I looked at each of these moments as a test, I’m killing it. I know how to fight, because the Lord taught me well. He taught me how to recognize bullshit, how they oppose His promises, and gave me the tools to defeat them. In this light I am no longer depressed I still battle bullshit. Perhaps a day will come when I no longer need to battle, until then I’m happy to consider myself a winner- a Championship Bullshit Fighter.

Nik Curfman 4/1/21 Nik Curfman 4/1/21

Journal: #244 Fighting Through Lies

The last part of this fight is about faith. Who do I trust? What is true? I trust God Almighty. I know He’s got my back. I can fail a thousand attempts, and He’ll hand me opportunity 1,001. He’s met me in every valley and back alley. The Holy Spirit is my constant friends and guide. Over 20 years ago, the Lord promised He’d never leave me. Promise kept. These are the truths of my life.

Yesterday, I had a few thoughts ripple through my mind. They were the kind of negative thoughts I am determined to fight- what are you doing? You’re not really going anywhere. You’re stuck. They are all lies, old lies, the type a younger Nik would wilt under upon thinking them. Fortunately, I’m older Nik. I’ve been through some shit and I know how to respond to fear and lies.

I’ll start by believing this is a moment of grace. My body is recovering from my fling with nicotine, which comes with consequences. My emotions are running from one extreme to another. It’s what happens when my body decides to hate me. (God bless people coming off something like heroine or meth. I can’t imagine the physical and emotional hell it must be.) The cravings are subsiding a bit today. I’ll take it. I will also forgive myself for poor choices, and ask the Lord to hasten my return to a healthy respiratory system.

Next, I won’t answer the accusations my fears are lobbing at my mind. Fear must never be fed, never placated or pacified. Fear must be starved and neglected. He’s the loser in the corner with a sharp tongue. He craves attention and will use any trick in his book to get me to stop what I’m doing, and I know I can’t stop. Every week or so, the Lord encourages me to “keep showing up.” That is my task- to move in faith and hope, to find gratitude in every moment, and declare his righteousness over my life.

The last part of this fight is about faith. Who do I trust? What is true? I trust God Almighty. I know He’s got my back. I can fail a thousand attempts, and He’ll hand me opportunity 1,001. He’s met me in every valley and back alley. The Holy Spirit is my constant friends and guide. Over 20 years ago, the Lord promised He’d never leave me. Promise kept. These are the truths of my life.

I am loved and worthy of love. His banner over me is love. I’m strong. I am smart. I am faithful. I am thankful for all the opportunities in front of me, and I accept the joy of the Lord as my strength.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 2/22/21 Nik Curfman 2/22/21

Abstract: Easy Life

I wish I could massage my brain with my fingers,

Rub all the worry and impatience away,

Smooth out my doubts.

I wish I could sip on certainty,

Breath conviction,

And eat victory.

I wish I could massage my brain with my fingers,

Rub all the worry and impatience away,

Smooth out my doubts.

I wish I could sip on certainty,

Breath conviction,

And eat victory.

Though, I’m sure some say it’s possible,

None of it is.

Maybe one day,

Years from now,

I’ll realize I’m a doubtless champion,

Unwavering and wise.

In the interlude,

I will punch through the sorrow and shame,

The impatience and fear.

I will use my words and choices,

My whispered declarations,

And my key strokes,

To carve my way from regret to graced,

To freedom.

(I have found no greater words than these:

I’m here Lord. I give you my life, and I trust you.

Your will be done in me and through me. I accept you peace, love, and joy.

I lay down my hopes, fears, and anger. Thank you for loving me.)

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Nik Curfman 2/3/21 Nik Curfman 2/3/21

Journal: #195 Stupid Triggers, Gracious God

Today, I was triggered. I went from enjoying my morning to a deep sorrow in a matter of seconds. In response, I began to defend myself between the snot and tears. Once again, I was left to prove my worth to an empty room.

I genuinely hate to be triggered. It’s that sudden snap from reality into an anxiety-riddled hellscape. All possibilities are gone and only shame exists. The future is bleak and stressful. I turn to my intellect to defend my soul, a playbook as old as me.

This trigger isn’t about them. It’s about me. I’m not worthless. I’m amazing. I’m loved and worthy of love. I’m smart, hilarious, and kind. I’m affectionate, kind, and compassionate. I’m awesome and a son of the Most High.

I’m thankful I can be triggered and have the freedom to stop my day to address it. I’m thankful the Lord exposed the lies long sowed into my heart, and I’m thankful He’s yanking them out. I’m thankful for the family and friends I can text when I linger close the cliffs of emotional hell.

More than anything, His banner of me is love. I put my faith in the Lord and His path for me. This isn’t about an outcome or the remaining wounds of a broken dream. It’s about using my voice to say this:

Lord, I feel broken in this moment. Today showed me the lasting disappointment in my heart, but I refuse to be powerless or shrink back into self-protection. I give you my heart to be healed by you. There’s only so much I can do, and it’s a place meant for only You. Heal my heart. Speak Your wisdom and grace. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear. Do things I can’t explain.
I love you, and I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, no matter how loud the fear sounds. You are greater. Always.

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Nik Curfman 1/26/21 Nik Curfman 1/26/21

Journal: #187 Battling My Lies

If the lies are in my head, then they can be out of my head. This is my hope, and out of this hope comes faith. I don’t need to have all the answers for my flaws. It is the work of the Lord and His grace on me. I trust the Lord to do what He alone can do in my heart and mind.

I wonder if insecure feelings will ever go away. Maybe some will, like loneliness. (Loneliness is a state of mind as it is.) What I want to know is it is possible to live life without feeling inadequate or belittled? Can I live without nagging doubt?

On January 26th, 2021, I have no firm answer. How can I? My life is not completed.

Fight On

What I do know, what I believe, is I can fight through it. I’d rather not feel like a phony. It would be awesome if I never battled my self-esteem again. But, until that day, I must go to war with those emotions intended to drag me into the void of despair.

From Secure To Faith

My life was completely different a year ago. I thought I knew what was ahead and felt up to task. On days like today, it’s the opposite. I have no clue what lay ahead in my life, only a vague picture.

I know I’m loved and worthy of love. I’m thankful to be surrounded by people who love and appreciate me. Moreover, the men I work with are kind and honest. I didn’t expect to be spit out of one business venture into something built for me and my disposition.

Never Surrender to Lies

There is hope I can achieve a lasting victory over my fears. For one, life with Jesus means anything is possible. The other is more subtle. It’s mental. The lies are in my head, not my reality. Want proof? Ok. How’s this? Today, I was given a promotion. Crazy, eh?

More Lord. #LFG

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Nik Curfman 11/18/20 Nik Curfman 11/18/20

Abstraction: From Pity to Victory

This quiet silence was ordained from before time was set in motion, this minute the opportunity to strike back against the darkness and scream NOT TODAY SATAN.

It’s quiet in this empty apartment, the kind of quiet when the low hum of the fridge covers the silence,

And I can hear every breath I take.

It’s a lonely quiet, the kind of loneliness looking to pilfer my gratitude and peace.

My thoughts try to pull my heart out from its sunken hole, but logic is not our friend in this hour.

Feelings rule the moment, and the quiet loneliness is a sign to be read with lower head and watery eyes.

This is what you are worth. All the electronic connection doesn’t mean shit when all you want is to feel the hand of someone you love on your back. And if you were worth anything, you wouldn’t sit alone in empty apartment, typing your feelings into the internet.

Yes. I type my emotions into the internet. It helps to confess the loneliness I feel, the empty state of my condition.

Feelings aren’t facts.

This quiet silence was ordained from before time was set in motion, this minute the opportunity to strike back against the darkness and scream NOT TODAY SATAN.

Not ever you lying motherf*cker, you evil piece of shit.

I know who I am. I am Nicklaus, son of the High God of Everything.

I refuse to sit in my pity or give into depression. Every attack you launch only makes me stronger, my testimony more powerful, and my spirit soar.

You have no place in my heart or mind. The old tricks won’t work.

Oh? Thought I didn’t notice?

The porn stuff? Yeah, that’s old news bro.

You can keep your weed and alcohol too. And, you know I’m not going to eat myself into a coma.

Nah. I’ve taken the beatings and held onto the hand of my King.

He has set me on a pale horse, and I am coming back for the others.

F*ck off, now and forever. I will concede nothing to you. Not one sniffle, insult, or shudder of anxiety. Whatever small skirmish you win, know this: YOU’VE LOST THE WAR.

NOT BY MIGHT OR BY POWER, BUT BY MY SPIRIT SAYS THE LORD!

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Nik Curfman 9/17/20 Nik Curfman 9/17/20

DJ: #65 Overnight Flights Are The Worst

I am so grateful for the time I have to fight bullshit. My bullshit. I don’t think it will come round again.

My thoughts are loud and scattered. They are mixed with sadness and the judgment I should be happy. As I type, I sit on comfy leather couch in a silent room. Ordinarily it is the kind of setting I crave, an uninterrupted moment to think and process, feel and release. I feel no motivation to battle the emotions, but I must. I cannot stop fighting the war for myself.

I am loved, and I love me. And for this reason, I will struggle with sorrow and push back the pain.

What is true?

I am amazing. I trust the Holy Spirit to hug me and lead me. I am blessed well beyond measure with grace, hope, and community. Though my heart is still mending from a love gone, and my mind pressuring me for security, I plunge my soul into the depth of the One who is the answer.

Lord, I let go of all my pains and desires. I release my fears and aches. I accept Your Hope and Peace for me. Even more I accept your Joy. And more Joy Jesus. With arms wide and an open heart, I totally embrace Your kindness and healing Truth.

I will run after You now and always. You are the Captain and the Prophet. Your wisdom sees further than any human can fathom. I have faith in it. Faith in You. Finished are the days when I run ahead of Your Spirit. My great inheritance is with You, hand-in-hand. And the Glory is in the walk while we get there.

Then he said, “This is God’s Message to Zerubbabel: ‘You can’t force these things. They only come about through my Spirit,’ says God-of-the-Angel-Armies. ‘So, big mountain, who do you think you are? Next to Zerubbabel you’re nothing but a molehill. He’ll proceed to set the Cornerstone in place, accompanied by cheers: Yes! Yes! Do it!’”
After that, the Word of God came to me: “Zerubbabel started rebuilding this Temple and he will complete it. That will be your confirmation that God-of-the-Angel-Armies sent me to you. Does anyone dare despise this day of small beginnings? They’ll change their tune when they see Zerubbabel setting the last stone in place!”
- From Zachariah 4

I am so grateful for the time I have to fight bullshit. My bullshit. I don’t think it will come round again.