Journal: #268 Triggered
Today was one of those days. I fought with so many people in my mind, and won so many arguments as my heart spiraled into a dark hell. At one point, I stopped myself from continuing, because the words that came out of my mouth made me cry. I was mean and nasty, a person I refuse to resurrect. And, it all started when I let my imagination run away from me. In common language, I was triggered.
I hate feeling triggered. I hate I defended myself to people who aren’t in my timezone. I loathe what I said. As I type these words, I hear an asshole behind me. He’s lying to me but sounds convincing. You’re slipping. Feels true. I feel distant from Jesus, even though I know it’s not true. He’s always with me. That’s His promise to me. I know He’s in my room right now.
The truth of today is simple. I was triggered by a thought and slipped into a defensive posture. Then I caught myself, and I agreed with the asshole. Thing is…I know better. I know the dragon wants fed. But, he needs to starve. We don’t beat fear by feeding it. We conquer it through faith. So from this dark day I reach into Heaven and declare Lord, I trust you. In the words of the song, Even when I can’t see it- You’re working. That is who you are.
I’m not an asshole. I’m a man who has- on occasion- shitty thoughts and shitty responses. It’s ok. I’m not shitty. I’m amazing. My life is good, and the future is unwritten.
