Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/27/21 Nik Curfman 4/27/21

Journal: #268 Triggered

Today was one of those days. I fought with so many people in my mind, and won so many arguments as my heart spiraled into a dark hell. At one point, I stopped myself from continuing, because the words that came out of my mouth made me cry. I was mean and nasty, a person I refuse to resurrect.

Today was one of those days. I fought with so many people in my mind, and won so many arguments as my heart spiraled into a dark hell. At one point, I stopped myself from continuing, because the words that came out of my mouth made me cry. I was mean and nasty, a person I refuse to resurrect. And, it all started when I let my imagination run away from me. In common language, I was triggered.

I hate feeling triggered. I hate I defended myself to people who aren’t in my timezone. I loathe what I said. As I type these words, I hear an asshole behind me. He’s lying to me but sounds convincing. You’re slipping. Feels true. I feel distant from Jesus, even though I know it’s not true. He’s always with me. That’s His promise to me. I know He’s in my room right now.

The truth of today is simple. I was triggered by a thought and slipped into a defensive posture. Then I caught myself, and I agreed with the asshole. Thing is…I know better. I know the dragon wants fed. But, he needs to starve. We don’t beat fear by feeding it. We conquer it through faith. So from this dark day I reach into Heaven and declare Lord, I trust you. In the words of the song, Even when I can’t see it- You’re working. That is who you are.

I’m not an asshole. I’m a man who has- on occasion- shitty thoughts and shitty responses. It’s ok. I’m not shitty. I’m amazing. My life is good, and the future is unwritten.

Nik Curfman 2/3/21 Nik Curfman 2/3/21

Journal: #195 Stupid Triggers, Gracious God

Today, I was triggered. I went from enjoying my morning to a deep sorrow in a matter of seconds. In response, I began to defend myself between the snot and tears. Once again, I was left to prove my worth to an empty room.

I genuinely hate to be triggered. It’s that sudden snap from reality into an anxiety-riddled hellscape. All possibilities are gone and only shame exists. The future is bleak and stressful. I turn to my intellect to defend my soul, a playbook as old as me.

This trigger isn’t about them. It’s about me. I’m not worthless. I’m amazing. I’m loved and worthy of love. I’m smart, hilarious, and kind. I’m affectionate, kind, and compassionate. I’m awesome and a son of the Most High.

I’m thankful I can be triggered and have the freedom to stop my day to address it. I’m thankful the Lord exposed the lies long sowed into my heart, and I’m thankful He’s yanking them out. I’m thankful for the family and friends I can text when I linger close the cliffs of emotional hell.

More than anything, His banner of me is love. I put my faith in the Lord and His path for me. This isn’t about an outcome or the remaining wounds of a broken dream. It’s about using my voice to say this:

Lord, I feel broken in this moment. Today showed me the lasting disappointment in my heart, but I refuse to be powerless or shrink back into self-protection. I give you my heart to be healed by you. There’s only so much I can do, and it’s a place meant for only You. Heal my heart. Speak Your wisdom and grace. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear. Do things I can’t explain.
I love you, and I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, no matter how loud the fear sounds. You are greater. Always.

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Nik Curfman 12/27/20 Nik Curfman 12/27/20

Journal: #158 When Pain Piles Up

Sometimes I feel empty, completely lacking wisdom or knowledge or talent. Despite this, I know now more than ever, I will still sing His praises. I can reach for Grace and find it. I’m not alone. These trials are but a moment, and they will pass.

A few months ago I started working a part-time gig for a non-profit organization with operations in Africa and southeast Asia. The job includes managing a sponsorship program. Under this umbrella program are a number of programs to support children, education, and families in some of the poorest countries on Earth. Everyday I’m reminded of the struggles people all over the planet face just to live.

Closer to home, I’ve felt slightly overwhelmed by bad news from friends. Two different friends had to rush a parent to ER with major heart problems, most of family in South Carolina is coming off fights with COVID-19, and then there are the people enduring cancer treatments on Christmas Eve.

It’s a lot. So many people are hurting. Old Nik would feel responsible for it all. How egotistical.

Oh, then there’s me. I wanted to be in Wisconsin for Christmas, but that didn’t work out. I’ve tried to ignore this particular disappointment. What can I do about it? I can’t make someone want to date me, and I believe in a better dating future for my life. But this still lingers. To be ever cliche…it is what it is.

Making Room For Jesus

I let myself feel the sorrow for a bit today while on a quick walk around the block. With tears on my cheeks I told the Lord I was sad, and “I trust you.” Almost instantly, I started to laugh. Why? I don’t know. I don’t care. All I know is the Lord was with me. He knew I was disappointed and thinking about someone far away.

It is good life is lived second at a time. I can be feel pain and failure in one moment, and with an honest simple prayer feel the peace and presence of the Eternal. He holds my future, not me. I’m not called to fix all the pain in the world. I’m a light, a voice in the night, and I will say “Keep going. It’s worth it.”

Facing Fears

Yesterday, my dad and I discussed emotional triggers. We all have them. It can be an off-hand comment that suddenly spins us into rage or fear. Or, it can be a misinterpreted text. Relationships can change in an instant when one person is triggered by the other.

In the end, triggers are intense moments when fear grips our soul. It whispers its lies to our hearts. Then we are faced with a choice. Do we let fear dominate our choices and actions? Or, do we face the anxiety with prayer and faith? Triggers left undefeated lead to a life controlled by fear. The only real choice is to stand and fight, to push back against the darkness trying to claim us.

The Answers Are On Him

In the last 48 hours, I’ve felt my triggers “you weren’t good enough for her, they’re going to die, prayer doesn’t work, you will get fat again.” None of this bullshit is true, but that’s not the point. The goal of any lie is to control the outcome. Fear wants me to stop. Sorrow wants me quit believing in the goodness of the Lord. And anxiety wants me to stop letting faith rule my heart.

I will not relent.

Sing His Praise

My goal isn’t to fix people. For starters, I can’t. I can’t bring my former girl friend. I can’t pull cancer from bodies, or unblock arteries. My skills and talent will be used to proclaim the glory of our Father to those in the storm. When my best friend is depressed by his brother’s cancer, when my family faces an uncertain future, when I feel the desire to want someone who doesn’t me…I will stand and say,“The Lord is still good. He loves us without end. Our destiny is in Him beyond these trials and pain.”

Lord, thank you for my life. Thank for the family and friends I have. Thank you they see me as a pillar of strength. That’s Your doing. Thank you for the blessings and favor I have. More Lord. Keep it coming. You are good. You are worthy of my love and affection. And I am worthy of Yours.

Thank you Jesus.

Amen.