Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 7/4/23 Nik Curfman 7/4/23

Vol III: #90 A Bit Stuck

In my physical journal I write 4-5 poems per week, and perhaps this is were I need to focus for the moment. Creeks always overflow in the spring then run dry during the summer (in California.) But rivers run strong, from the headwaters near a mountain all the way to an ocean. The level may rise and fall, but the water keeps moving. Accordingly, at least at the start, year four is going to be poems. Lots of poems.

Three years ago, I burned up the internet with my words. I’d suffered two broken relationships- one romantic and the other professional. And as any country music star will tell ya, break ups are a gold mine of emotion and creative fuel. But now I feel like a dry creek, my flow gone. Or, at the least, that’s how I feel. My thoughts run into walls like who cares and you don’t know anything. I know that’s not true, but all feels mechanical and repetitive.

And to clarify, I’m referring specifically to blogging. In my physical journal I write 4-5 poems per week, and perhaps this is were I need to focus for the moment. Creeks always overflow in the spring then run dry during the summer (in California.) But rivers run strong, from the headwaters near a mountain all the way to an ocean. The level may rise and fall, but the water keeps moving. Accordingly, at least at the start, year four is going to be poems. Lots of poems.

I still have another week on Volume III and I hope to add another blog entry or two. Then, on or about July 11th, I’ll post about what I want year four to be. 90ish blogs is well short of the goal I set for myself last year. But, on the bright side, I did author almost 80 poems over the last year. Combined, I wrote almost 170 blogs, short stories, and poems. That’s not so bad.

The big goal for 2023-24 is going to be to finish my first novel. I believe I’m halfway to a completed rough draft, but I haven’t worked on it in months. Normally, I’d just be done with it- the project. My tendency is start a project and either finished it or let it be forever unfinished. It’s hard for me to come back to a project once I lay off it for a while. So…the opportunity I have is to reverse years of leaving things undone.

I don’t need more projects, I just need to believe in the ones I want- like my writing. I believe in it even when I feel a bit stuck.

Nik Curfman 4/6/23 Nik Curfman 4/6/23

Vol III: #74 New Post Type Coming Tomorrow

What you’ll see three times a week are short stories based on a prompt. I’ll start with the prompt like Write about someone who thinks they just got a great deal on something, only for them to realize…Then, I’ll write my story, based on something I’ve experienced- the first memory that comes to mind. Tomorrow, I’ll use the prompt above and regale you about one of the many times I’ve been scammed. (Ugh. It’s so embarrassing. But, that’s the point.)

So, to follow up on my last post, I will be featuring a lot more fiction in the form of short stories, beginning tomorrow. I found a couple of website offering daily writing prompts. And my goals are to push myself to write fiction everyday, and to get outside of my comfort zone. It is this second point that frightens and intrigues me the most.

I want to write about things that make me uncomfortable but are honest and real. This blog is often my propaganda, of a sort, though I try to be as raw as possible. Still, I tune my words and hold back when I’m scared of who might read what I wrote. I’ve even removed a few posts for the same reasons.

Anyway, what you’ll read three times a week are short stories based on a prompt. I’ll start with the prompt like Write about someone who thinks they just got a great deal on something, only for them to realize…Then, I’ll write my story, based on something I’ve experienced- the first memory that comes to mind. Tomorrow, I’ll use the prompt above and regale you about one of the many times I’ve been scammed. (Ugh. It’s so embarrassing. But, that’s the point.)

Nik Curfman 1/2/23 Nik Curfman 1/2/23

Vol III: #50 Back At It, in 2023

I’m amazed by this blog, not because it’s a bastion of poetic words or interesting subjects. Rather, I’m impressed it still exists. Of all the projects and endeavors in my life(aside from relationships) this blog is the longest running venture in my life. I should add this blog is the longest running voluntary venture, in my life. I once worked for a pizza shop called Wolfman Pizza for roughly three years, and I finished my bachelor’s degree in three and half years. One could argue those were voluntary too, but I won’t. My point remains, Fearless Grit is a joy to maintain and I’ll keep entries until I’m dead.

In related news, I spent the last two weeks away from blogs and novels and sculptures. And, I hated it. For once in my life, I missed my life.

The break gave me a chance to look head to 2023 and ask “what do I want for this year? what do I want to get done?” And for once, I don’t have any fantasies about the coming year. I see work and more work. What I really want to finish my novel, sculpture, and lose weight. The thing is, I don’t know what disappointments 2023 holds and I don’t care. Some day soon, when it’s inconvenient and unwelcome, something will go wrong. It’ll be an unforeseen car repair, a tragic text, and loads of hurt feelings and invisible offenses. The reasons to quit or stop will mount. But, I won’t quit.

Back at it, till the end.

Nik Curfman 10/12/22 Nik Curfman 10/12/22

Vol III: #22 Sometimes, It Be Like That

I love to write, but not at the moment.

I’ve hit a wall as a writer. And, I think it stems from my expectations, rather my raised expectations. When I began to blog in 2020, I enjoyed the process and refused to be bogged down by style or grammar. But now, I want to be a good writer. And I don’t think I am. So, I don’t write because I’m judging myself and this process.

In most areas of my life I feel a similar lag or defeat. One consolation is I refuse to give up. Each week is a new week, and if I must restart the process every week, so be it. So, this is what I have today- a short and simple post wherein I state my frustrations. As the kids say…Sometimes, it be like that.

Nik Curfman 8/2/22 Nik Curfman 8/2/22

Vol III: #2 Goals For Year 3

The big goal for 2022-2023 is to write a complete rough draft of California Too. It will be my first work of fiction- in what I hope leads to a productive career. I’m aware of my shortcomings as an author i.e. I will be learning how to write a novel while I write a novel. Thankfully, the internet is full of resources and online classes when I need them.

Last year when I hit my goal of publishing 330 blogs in 365 days, I celebrated. And, then I set goals for year two. I casually dismissed my goals a month into my BSSM stint without guilt. BSSM was a necessary pitstop on my way to bigger and better things. Regardless, I’m proud of what I wrote over the last year. My writing improved and I discovered what’s next.

For the blog, I want to hit 150 posts plus an undefined number of poems. My of my posts will of this variety which I consider to be more of documentation of my life.

The big goal for 2022-2023 is to write a complete rough draft of California Too. It will be my first work of fiction- in what I hope leads to a productive career. I’m aware of my shortcomings as an author i.e. I will be learning how to write a novel while I write a novel. Thankfully, the internet is full of resources and online classes when I need them.

I wanted to start writing with more urgency when BSSM ended in May. And, I did write few pages. But, I was also distracted by this trip. Now that’s I’m down the back stretch, I have this growing sense of “it’s time to go to work.” And, I see this post is the first step in the novel writing process. It’s important to state goals and make them known. To state my intent makes the endeavor of writing a novel more real, and more attainable.

Nik Curfman 12/3/21 Nik Curfman 12/3/21

Abstract: It’s Been A While

A poem about my desire to write again and the freedom it held.

This pages waited, unedited and old,

without much attention from their master.

I confess my negligence and promise my repentance, an act made true,

with each keystroke.

The fury of the last four months- glory and all- pulled me from the loves that carried me to them:

expression, authoring, and naked truth-telling.

I refuse to let go of my lover and friend: Lady Goodwords.

She was good to me and gave me a home.

It was here, on my island of internet,

I poured my heart out to the few who dared to read it.

Clunky and unschooled,

I pushed past embarrassment and convention to say something, anything,

as long as it was true.

And now, I linger in the doorway,

hand on the post,

longing to be let back in.

I crave these solitary fields, my hideaway,

where I type what’s in my heart to type,

and press ‘DONE’ without hesitation.

Nik Curfman 10/24/21 Nik Curfman 10/24/21

Vol II: #39 Back At It Again

I’m not going to hold myself to a set number of posts although I’d like to hit 100 blog posts and similar number of poems, but the number it’s the point. The desire to continue to document my life and hone my writing skills. I believe I can accomplish both without a dogmatic approach; therefore, I may post 2-3 blogs a week or perhaps several poems. The strongest desire in my heart is to keep writing and let it land where it lands.

My last post was two weeks ago, although it seems like less time has passed since then. It’s easily the longest time away from self-published writing in 16 months. And you know what? I don’t care. This blog is about my life and what I think, what I experience- right or wrong. Regardless, I’m happy to be punching the keys for you and me. I’ve got lot’s to write about.

My schedule is busy with work and school, and my roommate returned. So, I am putting some effort in connecting with him as much as possible each day. Then I have my Jesus time, which is essential. Still, this blog serves a purpose and I will that purpose.

I’m happy to be back at it, again.

Nik Curfman 8/16/21 Nik Curfman 8/16/21

Vol II: #16 Monday Musings

I’m in a writing rut, and I don’t know what to do next. As of now, my posts are little more than a public diary, and this blog needs to evolve beyond being a place for my thoughts and emotions. Does anyone outside of my family or close friends need to or care to know about my day-to-day well-being? Probably not.

I have plenty to explore and dissect about my life- on Wednesday, I will write about “settling” in my romantic relationships. I hate the word settle in regards to relationships. It implies one person is beneath another and a judgmental statement made by those trying to justify their fears. Again, I’ll dive into it Wednesday. And certainly, I have a plethora of material, so I’m not worried about content.

What bothers me is how I write and my style. I write like I talk, for the most part, which isn’t conducive to great writing. I want to tell engaging stories, the kind people share with their friends. And, I know I’ve got to write a load of bad stories first. Perhaps, that’s where I am today- a bad storyteller. At least, I’m writing stories.

I do love my new writing schedule. Alternating longer posts with poems lightened the load from last year, as does a mandatory day off each week. My weekends are no longer stressful, which is nice.

See you Wednesday.

Nik Curfman 7/12/21 Nik Curfman 7/12/21

Vol II: #1 Year Two

Well, here we are. After a year of writing, we begin year #2. It feels fresh and alive. I know the direction I want to go and how I want my writing to evolve. For starters, I want to develop the craft of story-telling. Stories draw people into a moment and provide depth to discussion. To support this goal, I enrolled in an online class and began to read more fiction— starting with Langston Hughes’ book “Not Without Laughter.” While I don’t plan on writing fiction, the best non-fiction authors (ie Malcolm Gladwell) use a fictional approach to the real-life stories they pen. That’s what I want to do.

Practically what this will look like to you is I will alternate blog posts and poems. Every Monday-Wednesday-Friday will be a blog posts, and every Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday will be poems. The goal is to post 150 of each over the next year. This new schedule will give me Sunday’s off plus two weeks worth of days for me to take off as I wish. I believe the change will allow me to proof read and edit my writing in line with my goals— write a post one day, then edit and post it the next.

I appreciate all the love and support.

Nik Curfman 7/11/21 Nik Curfman 7/11/21

Journal: #330 GOAL ACHIEVED!!!

I’m trying to remember an achievement I’m more proud of, and I can’t. Let this post serve as a sign with great flashing lights to all who read it. Do something in your life you’ve always wanted to do FOR YOU. Write that book, plant those flowers, or restore the rust bucket calling your name. This is your call to make time for yourself- every day. You need to love yourself. Creating time and space to satisfy what’s in your heart is part of loving yourself. And you, my lovely reader, are worthy of love.

I thought about this exact post for months— what I want it to be, communicate, and symbolize. Now that it’s here, I want to celebrate the moment of achievement. How many of us set specific goals and achieve them? It probably depends on the goal, right? I’ll reframe the question. How many of us set personal goals— lacking financial or social reward— and achieve them? In my life, and I’m sure yours, it’s uncommon. From the time we are young, we are taught to aim at what’s best for others or brings the most economic reward. Some are so ingrained with this process; it’s difficult to imagine living life any other way. I was one such person, but not anymore. I wrote for a year because it’s what I want to do. It gives me more than money can buy— self-worth, a creative outlet, and a place to process life.

I’m trying to remember an achievement I’m more proud of, and I can’t. Let this post serve as a sign with great flashing lights to all who read it. Do something in your life you’ve always wanted to do FOR YOU. Write that book, plant those flowers, or restore the rust bucket calling your name. This is your call to make time for yourself- every day. You need to love yourself. Creating time and space to satisfy what’s in your heart is part of loving yourself. And you, my lovely reader, are worthy of love.

Cheesy as it sounds, I’d like to thank the Lord for bringing me to this point. He’s the one who directed my feet regardless of where my eyes were. What I did over the last year is showering me with confidence in other areas of my life. (That’s called the fruit of the Spirit. ) The process of writing and publishing posts every day forced me to confront legions of my doubts and fears. It was awesome. Victory is in the determination to continue. I love it.

To my most faithful readers (you know who you are), thank you. Your encouragement meant a lot. Tomorrow will be my first post of a new writing year, and I’ll go over the details of what year two of writing will be. Love y’all.

Nik Curfman 6/24/21 Nik Curfman 6/24/21

Journal: #316 Only 14 Left

If you really want to know if you love a thing, do it for a year. You’ll either be tired of it or ready for more. I’m happy to report, I’m ready for more writing. I’m ready to improve my new craft— sentence structure, story-telling, vocabulary, etc. For now, I want to finish strong by hitting my goal of 330 blog entries in 365 days.

I’m really looking forward to the coming change in my writing schedule. This first year of writing was great, and now I’m ready for the shift. The process and commitment to posting a blog post every day was all the things: hard, annoying, fun, stretching, etc. I’m glad I did it. It got me into the habit of and craft of doing something every day. Of the 340 days, I posted something, I was super motivated half the time. Which means half the time I was not motivated. Today is a good example. This post is more about determination.

What I love about writing every day is how it pushed me to a) examine my life, b) express myself—especially when I want to withdraw, and c) pushed me to drop my perfectionist tendencies. I don’t have time to agonize over the subject matter or sentence structure, which is a good thing. And even though I repeat myself, this process gave me room to see me grow into myself. Some aspects of life- lessons if you will- I documented, and re-documented. How many times have I written about patience, grace, and my need for grounded routines? A lot, because it’s the season I’m in.

Only 14 left.

Nik Curfman 5/19/21 Nik Curfman 5/19/21

Journal: #284 Malcolm Gladwell

I don’t know where my writing will lead me. The odds are I will toil away in obscurity, as I post my thoughts and feelings. But, who knows? I am committed to writing and becoming a better writer. Perhaps, in ten to twenty years, my writing will find broad appeal. Hopefully, it’ll mean something to someone. For now and the rest of my life, it means something to me.

When asked, I usually tell people my favorite author is CS Lewis. The books Mere Christianity and The Screwtape Letters are crucial to my faith. (I know most people think of The Lion, the Witch, and Wardrobe when they think of Lewis. Without question, The Chronicles of Narnia have a place in English literature, but I’m not a fan.) Last summer, I read Till We Have Faces. It turned out to be the right book at the right moment in my life. For these reasons, I consider Mr. Lewis to be the St Paul of our lifetime.

My answer to the question about my favorite author is not about style or subject but impact. CS Lewis has the greatest and enduring impact on my life; however, he is not my favorite author to read. That would be Mr. Malcolm Gladwell. From the moment I began to read Outliers, I was hooked by his ability to craft a story from dull facts. Unlike others, I anticipate releasing new works, and I read them in a single day.

I got Gladwell’s new book, The Bomber Mafia, in the mail this afternoon. An hour later, I was 75 pages in. Only prudence and a scheduled visit with friends kept me from finishing it. And what is he writing about in the first few chapters? War and the nature of warfare- a completely new and original topic. When I saw the title and subtitle, I nearly avoided the purchase. I’m not a war story or strategy wonk. Yet, I decided to buy this book on faith, that Malcolm Gladwell would do what he does. I’m happy to report The Bomber Mafia is a success, and what I expect from him.

In 2008, when I read Outliers, I felt a kinship with Gladwell I can’t explain. He sees the world in fascinating patterns and dismantles myths with ease. He proved how opportunity and expertise are more valuable than talent. Academics of all walks took exception to the lowly journalist who challenged their doctrine. Within a few years of publication, several high studies aimed at the 10,000-hour rule Gladwell made popular. Most of them finding 10,000 hours of practice to less important than intention and deliberation. These assertions do not debunk the central thesis of practice makes perfect and talent is overrated.

That last bit is important to me, especially the older I grow. At 40, it is easy to think life passed me by, that I should settle for something attainable and routine. My big problem is I will not let myself live that life. I sabotage or become disillusioned at every job. Sooner or later I get bored, look for the exit, and begin to dream of greener grass. But, there are the words of my friend Malcolm. Hidden just beneath the surface of his writing, covered in glossy wordplay and story, is passion. What makes someone successful isn’t privilege or genius. It’s passion, the kind of passion that never lets a day go down without a fight, that sacrifices parties and fame, for the love of the thing.