Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 3/28/23 Nik Curfman 3/28/23

Abstract: Living M5-3

A poem, about walking through a tough season.

I’ve penned pages of words theses last few days,

but nothing worth writing,

or remembering.

My biggest terrors and greatest fears,

leaking out of me onto the paper and screen,

in raw, uncaged form.

And now set beside me like an old friend,

but not my friend,

always my enemy.

And like a scared little boy drags his blanket from the closet.

I keep dragging them around,

From day to day,

in meetings and phone calls,

hidden behind forced smiles and worthless chit chat.

Feels like I’ll never shake them,

the worst of my worst,

the oldest lies holding hands with that icy cold sadness,

rotten and nauseating,

the vile shit that collects,

At the bottom of my bottomless pit.

Blessed are those who cry and grope in the dark,

for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 10/1/21 Nik Curfman 10/1/21

Vol II: #35 Both Can Be True

I’m Nik Curfman. I love to learn and explore, and create. My heart is to love people well and encourage them in the way they should go. I pride myself on being a good friend and listener. And, I have issues with anxiety. I have doubts and worries, and regularly wonder if I should do more. All of these things are true. It’s both, not either or. The presence of my greatness does not mean I lack flaws. But, and this is important for me to know, the presence of my flaws does not erase my greatness.

Very often in life, we believe if one thing is true the opposite cannot be true. Yet, we know know this is false. The sun is always shining no matter how hard the wind blows and the rain pours. Asian cuisines such as Thai and Cantonese are notorious for sour and sweet flavors in the same dish (as well as savory, spicy, and fatty goodness.) And great men of academics, industry, or ministry are often not so great at home with their families. On an individual level, we are often left to believe the presence of doubt or shame is the absence of anointing or grace. But, that’s not true.

Over the last three weeks, I’ve sat in numerous classes and listened to same stories I heard as a child. King David is revered, because of course, he is. John the Baptist is the weirdo Old Covenant prophet who heralds the arrival of the Messiah. And, as it should be, we’ve discussed Jesus. In a very similar vein to everything I’ve been taught before, the speakers talk about how bold and confident each Biblical hero was.They did X because they knew God would provide. Jesus probably was this way because he was perfect. I call bullshit.

Matthew 26 is one of the most meaningful passages in scripture. In it, Jesus describes his anxiety regarding his coming persecution. It’s gripping and tough to read. I couldn’t be more thankful.

Then Jesus went with them to a garden called Gethsemane and told his disciples, “Stay here while I go over there and pray.” Taking along Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he plunged into an agonizing sorrow. Then he said, “This sorrow is crushing my life out. Stay here and keep vigil with me.”
39Going a little ahead, he fell on his face, praying, “My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?”
- Matthew 26:36-39

“This sorrow is crushing the life out of me,” is how Jesus described his dread to his friends. Who hasn’t felt this away about the future? Toward marriage? Or a job? When going to a family event? I feel anxious on a daily basis, and I’m not facing anything as remotely difficult as betrayal and horrific torture or death.

Think about it for a moment. Jesus knew he was setup. He knew Judas was out to get him. And…He knew what fate befell those who crossed the Roman empire. It’s likely Jesus saw a few crucified men in his day, or watched as someone was stoned to death. (Death by stoning is brutal and intended to take a long time. It’s not quick or painless.) Jesus knew his mental, emotional, and psychological limits were about to be broken. He feared for His life. How human is that?

I also believe Jesus, in the middle of fearing the worst, held on the Father, “Not my will, but yours be done.” That’s faith too. That’s the ultimate example of what it means to be Christian for Nik Curfman. I don’t know what any of these religious professionals mean when they say people like David, Daniel, and Ruth had unwavering Faith and Confidence. I kindly and respectfully disagree. I’m willing to bet a large sum of money that Daniel was a bit worried when the Lion’s den was sealed shut. I’m also willing to bet he believed the Lord would provide an answer. BOTH can be true.

As I mentioned above, I feel some form of anxiety every day. On occasion, I feel panicked and overwhelmed. For example, the other day, I watched a new show on Netflix called Maid. It’s about a single mom and her struggle to break out of a bad relationship and cycles of poverty. I was reminded of all the people in the United States and around the world who struggle to make ends meet, and how poverty is more about ignorance than laziness. (The poorest I’ve been was also when I worked the hardest. Both can be true.) As I laid on my couch, I sunk into despair and hopelessness. I felt so small against this hurting world.

Late in the night, I raised my hand and whispered, “Lord, I trust you,” then began to practice breathing- long inhales followed by equally long exhales. (The world and ministers alike want us- the average person- to change the world. What kind of fuckery is that? None of them can do it. So who am I? None of us are called to change the world. Jesus already did that. I’m called to be me.) I felt the Lord say “I’m here,” and the panic lifted.

I’m Nik Curfman. I love to learn and explore, and create. My heart is to love people well and encourage them in the way they should go. I pride myself on being a good friend and listener. And, I have issues with anxiety. I have doubts and worries, and regularly wonder if I should do more. All of these things are true. It’s both, not either/or. The presence of my greatness does not mean I lack flaws. But, and this is important for me to know, the presence of my flaws does not erase my greatness.

I look forward to a day when I no longer suffer from anxiety, but I will continue to trust the Lord and grow in Him. It’s a tactic of the enemy to have us focus on what isn’t happening and what we fear. Our call and command is to focus on Him, the Lord of All. He’s our Hope and Provider. We were crucified with Him and Resurrected with Him too.

Nik Curfman 9/5/21 Nik Curfman 9/5/21

Abstract: Stress of the Unknown

A poem about how stress appears in my life, as I embark on a new journey.

Why do I go to war with the criticism of others?

Because I do not wish to live life in conflict with my battered ego.

Humanity is imperfect and cruel,

not by design or intent,

but mainly through ignorance and fear.

We are, after all, a superstitious species,

afraid of the dark and the future,

forever boxed-in by the unknown,

sacrificing greatness and love for comfort and stability.

I too fear the murky beyond,

the dim glass, and what I know only in part.

And, I am stuck between the past I cannot entertain,

and the forward motions- begging me onward,

into the chaos of what’s to come.

There’s no place for shadow arguments in the space on the other side my vision,

I must leave all the hurts and failures behind.

Nik Curfman 8/17/21 Nik Curfman 8/17/21

Abstract: Be Anxious For Nothing

Anxiety is an addiction,

an old grey friend,

so comfortable around me,

he comes uninvited to my soul.

Anxiety is an addiction,

an old pale friend,

so comfortable around me,

he comes uninvited to my soul.

We’ve been friends for so long,

I forget how much of a terrible bastard he really is.

Even when he’s not around, I look for him,

because I don’t know how to live without sorrow or strain.

But…

My King says “Be anxious for no thing.”

Be sad for nothing,

Be nervous for nothing,

Be worried, frightful, and scared of nothing.

Let no concern bother my heart or mind.

Feels like a trap.

How do I stop something that feels automatic,

built into the way I live life?

Answer:

Live life another Way.

Anxiety is a tar baby*,

no matter how hard I swing or kick,

I slide deeper into his bullshit.

When I fight and scream,

I block the Way forward.

My friend, my addiction,

is not mine to battle or defeat,

He is the Lord’s to destroy.

My task is to ring the bell,

when Mr. Shitty comes calling.

In all things, I will let my voice rise to the Throne.

When the world feels dark,

and people are indifferent to human suffering.

When I feel fat and bloated,

when I compare myself to a more attractive man.

I will let my worry rise to the One who can do something about it,

And, I will find good things to consume my heart and mind,

like beautiful memories, strong trees, and delicious food,

for these are His goodness too.

*I use the term “tar baby” in the historical sense of the term, not as a racial slur. The story of Br-er Fox and Br-er Rabbit is one I remember from kindergarten. I didn’t have a clue nor was I taught the historical nature of the story. It’s old and found in various cultures as far back as ancient India and Iran.

This poem is an attempt to see anxiety as something we cannot engage in or fight on our own. The more we struggle as the tar baby meant for Br-er Rabbit, the more trouble we find. Our power comes when we confess our cares and allow the Holy Spirit to fight for us. Then, we get to engage in thankfulness and think happy thoughts- which is an active process. Jesus is our briar patch. He’s our safe place. As Christians, we must never forget it.

Nik Curfman 6/14/21 Nik Curfman 6/14/21

Journal: #306 Another Round With Anxiety

Today is one of those days where everything is rotten, broken, or shabby. It feels like I’m trying to climb a greased wall, blindfolded, with stubs for hands. To add to the frustration, I feel simultaneously forgotten and belittled. Both are perceptions of how the world sees me. I know both feelings are wrong, which doesn’t make me feel better. No. Ironically, I feel worse knowing my thoughts are wrong. I hate battling this shit.

Today is one of those days where everything is rotten, broken, or shabby. It feels like I’m trying to climb a greased wall, blindfolded, with stubs for hands. To add to the frustration, I feel simultaneously forgotten and belittled. Both are perceptions of how the world sees me. I know both feelings are wrong, which doesn’t make me feel better. No. Ironically, I feel worse knowing my thoughts are wrong. I hate battling this shit.

I was supposed to kick it with a buddy tonight, Nathan. He’s a kid to me, at 26 years old. We meant to celebrate his engagement. I am eager to do so, but not tonight. Tonight, I’m not going to push myself to the back and pretend to be ok with the world. I love my friend. If he were me, I’d tell him to do exactly what I’m doing.

Lies, fear and inward navel-gazing are how I am attacked. What I love about this moment is I know how to handle it. I’m going to spend the rest of my evening doing what it takes to push back the darkness and bullshit. That’s all it is. I’ve done this before, and it’ll happen again. I’m not sure a complete victory of anxiety is possible, but I do believe I walk in victory over it. I win by fight back, asking questions, and declaring the truth. The truth I am not rotten or broken.

PS- Mom, I’m ok.

Nik Curfman 5/15/21 Nik Curfman 5/15/21

Journal: #280 God With Me

The last year I was stripped of girlfriend, business, a few friends, a few family members, etc. But, I grew in other areas- how to love myself, marketing, investing, drawings and painting, etc. Most importantly, I grew in my relationship with the Lord. Whenever I am in the fight- like today- it helps to remember just how far I’ve come in the last twelve months. Pretty far, a complete life overhaul.

Today is a hazy day. I slept in until after 10am, and I’ve been in a daze since. It’s as though I could fall asleep at any moment. I believe the lack of rest in contributing to a generally sour disposition for me. On my morning hike I cried. I cried, cried- sloppy tears, snot, and spit. Thankfully the trail was empty, and my emotional outburst escaped notice. I feel like crap, yet unable to break through it.

To be blunt, my mind is offering solutions such as find a cannabis shop. I know if I buy a cookie I’ll be high for hours. My emotions will dull, but that’s it. Marijuana is not a solution. Experience taught me drugs are pacifiers. Nicotine, THC, alcohol, sugar, all of them. They offer brief moments of pleasure, and possibly heighten an experience. But, they are never a cure. No amount of weed or alcohol will love me. No measure of sugar helps overcome rejection or insecurity.

I hate that I’ve indulged alternative ways to combat anxiety and sorrow. In moments like today- an emotional pit- it’s easy to want to run to what I know will give me a result. It’s easy to ignore the Lord, forget to love myself, and slip into cycle of self-medication and denial. Today, I write this blog to expose myself, but also uncover the lies still haunting my heart. I know drugs are bad. I don’t need a refresher. I’m also aware of the signal a desire for chemical happiness is.

I’m hurting, and now is a time to reach out to the Lord. On that trail today I asked the Lord to “carry my heart.” (It’s tactic the Lord gave me last year- a way to combat confusion and anxiety.) Within seconds I saw the Holy Spirit put my heart on her back, and proceed to parade through the woods. She danced and laughed. I wept as the Lord celebrated. It as good.

Feelings are real, and not rooted in reality. They are merely the product what we believe is true in a given moment. I am sad because I believe I am shit. I am sad is a true statement, because I am shit it not. All of my anxiety or sorrow comes from such beliefs, and I feel like a douche just for saying it. Still…this is a moment of opportunity.

Some days will be a struggle, and that’s ok. I repented. I live my life before the Lord, and He has met me. Every single day, He is there. No matter what thought derails my day, He’s by my side. Forever Immanuel. God with me.

Nik Curfman 3/14/21 Nik Curfman 3/14/21

Journal: #228 Grace In Anxiety

Blake and his wife Hilary are facing their own set of major life struggles. The days ahead might grow darker still. Despite their problems, they made time for me. I needed the Lord in that moment, and human shoulder to hug. That’s the friend and the goodness of God.

It hit me on the drive back from Durham to Columbia today, between Salisbury and Charlotte. Without warning I felt anxiety and depression flood my mind. What am I doing? Will I ever make a difference? I knew this was an attack, so I began to pray. I began to sing. Then I texted Blake. I was weak, but not defeated.

I wasn’t sure if Blake would text back. In all honesty, I thought he’d be busy. Thankfully, I was wrong. He said he’d love to have me stop over. I could see the new house he bought with his wife. It felt like a life line. I knew I could be anxious and untethered in front him. I didn’t need to be polite or tone down my language.

The funny thing is I didn’t once think of stopping to see him prior to my trip to Durham. The idea never crossed my mind all weekend or when I left Durham. Only after I started to feel heavy and depressed did I think of visiting him. It was the Lord.

Tomorrow is coming. The sun will shine, and the myriad of birds drawn to the free bird seed in the yard will sing. I will rise. This moment will pass, and once I again I will trust the Jesus to lead my way.

Today, I’m thankful for old friends and their kindness.

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Nik Curfman 2/4/21 Nik Curfman 2/4/21

Abstract: Assurance of The Unseen.

Tonight is the night to latch onto hope,

And lean into the assurance of the Unseen.

The gates closed, and I beat my fists bloody,

Knocking to be let in.

Lost and alone in the night,

I blamed me,

I slandered me,

I convicted me,

Of worthlessness and sins beyond redemption.

What we honor, what we love, we do not leave to the darkness to rust,

For vandals and thieves.

Exhausted from the pounding struggle,

To be accepted and loved,

I relented to my nothingness, naked without purpose or use.

For good measure,

The foul wind whistled and cackled at my sorrow,

Each breath from my lungs,

Exposed by the chill and the moon light,

A harsh reminder,

I am here, but will soon be forgotten.

In the stillness I remained,

And more I waited.

The lies began to die, and accusations faded.

For too long stared at the locked gates,

The embodiment of my shame,

Rejected again.

With my eyes closed,

I focused on my breath,

One deep draw after another, my chest rising and falling in rhythm.

I began to sway with the evergreens and enjoy the scent of their pines.

At my back, the river laughed like a chorus of children,

Innocent and clean,

Nature extended her kind hand.

I have demanded honors I could not accept,

and longed for lovers I did not deserve.

I could stay.

I could dance for the people in the watch towers,

Cook to delight the king and queen inside,

I could do all the things to make myself into something they want,

What I do not want to be.

What I thirst for is not behind locked gates.

What I want is not the momentary approval,

Cheap graces and easily won loyalty.

Chin tucked to my chest,

Only honest words existed in this moment of solitude.

I am in pain,

Rejection coursing through my veins,

An old drug, from an old habit.

Tonight, I will not repent or beg forgiveness,

Rather for courage and hope,

Vision and strength.

I cannot answer why I long for the praise,

A riddle to be remedied some other day,

When the Spirit deems so.

This frigid night,

Surround by creation,

I do not curse the closed doors or those who locked them.

Instead, as my heart cries for love and acceptance,

I will not focus on what I do not have.

Tonight is the night to latch onto hope,

And lean into the assurance of the Unseen.

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Nik Curfman 10/2/20 Nik Curfman 10/2/20

DJ: #76 The Hype of Now

When I feel the waves of anxiety crashing into my existence, I fight it. I have to fight it. And victory arrives when I believe the Lord is not in the hype of the moment. Whatever my thoughts scream, they are wrong. My fate isn’t tied to a single moment of life. It isn’t tied to single person, job, or city. My life will always be linked to my daily decision to pursue the Kingdom.

The task of the Anxious Now is to push me to react, to the extreme. Anxiety is a bully, a bloated asshole. He lies while he accuses the Father of lies. His tactics never change, and he’s challenged everyone from Eve to Jesus to me. And yes, he comes for you. He is evil, and his only goal is steal, kill, or destroy.

His lies begin as whispers laced with truth. They sound like facts born of my history. That douche bag even sounds like me, “That’s not good. Did you see how they reacted? You know what’s next.”

It’s a thought so quick and easy to think, I barely notice. He plays on my insecurity. The thought dances on my need for acceptance and love, and subtly pushes my panic button. Quickly, I am in a hole. My emotions alert my soul, as tension builds in my veins.

What the fuck just happend?

Then my vision narrows. Only two options seem possible. Both of them are wrong. Both of them are based out of fear and need to escape the rising pressure- fight or flight. And the deadline is NOW. I NEED VALIDATION NOW! I NEED AN ANSWER NOW! But that’s not true.

Piss off bro.

(On occasion, Anxiety isn’t a total liar. We see the train coming and all we can do is let go. Get crushed.

Jesus did it, “Not my will, but your will be done.” Anxiety went to work on his greatest masterpiece only to suffer his greatest loss. Scripture doesn’t say it, but Jesus knew what was coming, all of Heaven and Earth knew it too. Evil wanted Jesus to run or fight or beg His way out. But Jesus did what the Messiah was called to do. He faced the cross and all the torture before it. For us, His prize.)

When I feel the waves of anxiety crashing into my existence, I fight it. I have to fight it. Victory arrives when I believe the Lord is not in the hype of the moment. Whatever my thoughts scream, they are wrong. My fate isn’t tied to a single moment of life. It isn’t tied to single person, job, or city. My life will always be linked to my daily decision to pursue the Kingdom.

Lord,

Thank you for being with me. Thank you for giving me tools to question Anxiety when it builds.