Vol II: #35 Both Can Be True
Very often in life, we believe if one thing is true the opposite cannot be true. Yet, we know know this is false. The sun is always shining no matter how hard the wind blows and the rain pours. Asian cuisines such as Thai and Cantonese are notorious for sour and sweet flavors in the same dish (as well as savory, spicy, and fatty goodness.) And great men of academics, industry, or ministry are often not so great at home with their families. On an individual level, we are often left to believe the presence of doubt or shame is the absence of anointing or grace. But, that’s not true.
Over the last three weeks, I’ve sat in numerous classes and listened to same stories I heard as a child. King David is revered, because of course, he is. John the Baptist is the weirdo Old Covenant prophet who heralds the arrival of the Messiah. And, as it should be, we’ve discussed Jesus. In a very similar vein to everything I’ve been taught before, the speakers talk about how bold and confident each Biblical hero was.They did X because they knew God would provide. Jesus probably was this way because he was perfect. I call bullshit.
Matthew 26 is one of the most meaningful passages in scripture. In it, Jesus describes his anxiety regarding his coming persecution. It’s gripping and tough to read. I couldn’t be more thankful.
Then Jesus went with them to a garden called Gethsemane and told his disciples, “Stay here while I go over there and pray.” Taking along Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he plunged into an agonizing sorrow. Then he said, “This sorrow is crushing my life out. Stay here and keep vigil with me.”
39Going a little ahead, he fell on his face, praying, “My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?”
- Matthew 26:36-39
“This sorrow is crushing the life out of me,” is how Jesus described his dread to his friends. Who hasn’t felt this away about the future? Toward marriage? Or a job? When going to a family event? I feel anxious on a daily basis, and I’m not facing anything as remotely difficult as betrayal and horrific torture or death.
Think about it for a moment. Jesus knew he was setup. He knew Judas was out to get him. And…He knew what fate befell those who crossed the Roman empire. It’s likely Jesus saw a few crucified men in his day, or watched as someone was stoned to death. (Death by stoning is brutal and intended to take a long time. It’s not quick or painless.) Jesus knew his mental, emotional, and psychological limits were about to be broken. He feared for His life. How human is that?
I also believe Jesus, in the middle of fearing the worst, held on the Father, “Not my will, but yours be done.” That’s faith too. That’s the ultimate example of what it means to be Christian for Nik Curfman. I don’t know what any of these religious professionals mean when they say people like David, Daniel, and Ruth had unwavering Faith and Confidence. I kindly and respectfully disagree. I’m willing to bet a large sum of money that Daniel was a bit worried when the Lion’s den was sealed shut. I’m also willing to bet he believed the Lord would provide an answer. BOTH can be true.
As I mentioned above, I feel some form of anxiety every day. On occasion, I feel panicked and overwhelmed. For example, the other day, I watched a new show on Netflix called Maid. It’s about a single mom and her struggle to break out of a bad relationship and cycles of poverty. I was reminded of all the people in the United States and around the world who struggle to make ends meet, and how poverty is more about ignorance than laziness. (The poorest I’ve been was also when I worked the hardest. Both can be true.) As I laid on my couch, I sunk into despair and hopelessness. I felt so small against this hurting world.
Late in the night, I raised my hand and whispered, “Lord, I trust you,” then began to practice breathing- long inhales followed by equally long exhales. (The world and ministers alike want us- the average person- to change the world. What kind of fuckery is that? None of them can do it. So who am I? None of us are called to change the world. Jesus already did that. I’m called to be me.) I felt the Lord say “I’m here,” and the panic lifted.
I’m Nik Curfman. I love to learn and explore, and create. My heart is to love people well and encourage them in the way they should go. I pride myself on being a good friend and listener. And, I have issues with anxiety. I have doubts and worries, and regularly wonder if I should do more. All of these things are true. It’s both, not either/or. The presence of my greatness does not mean I lack flaws. But, and this is important for me to know, the presence of my flaws does not erase my greatness.
I look forward to a day when I no longer suffer from anxiety, but I will continue to trust the Lord and grow in Him. It’s a tactic of the enemy to have us focus on what isn’t happening and what we fear. Our call and command is to focus on Him, the Lord of All. He’s our Hope and Provider. We were crucified with Him and Resurrected with Him too.
