Journal: #280 God With Me
Today is a hazy day. I slept in until after 10am, and I’ve been in a daze since. It’s as though I could fall asleep at any moment. I believe the lack of rest in contributing to a generally sour disposition for me. On my morning hike I cried. I cried, cried- sloppy tears, snot, and spit. Thankfully the trail was empty, and my emotional outburst escaped notice. I feel like crap, yet unable to break through it.
To be blunt, my mind is offering solutions such as find a cannabis shop. I know if I buy a cookie I’ll be high for hours. My emotions will dull, but that’s it. Marijuana is not a solution. Experience taught me drugs are pacifiers. Nicotine, THC, alcohol, sugar, all of them. They offer brief moments of pleasure, and possibly heighten an experience. But, they are never a cure. No amount of weed or alcohol will love me. No measure of sugar helps overcome rejection or insecurity.
I hate that I’ve indulged alternative ways to combat anxiety and sorrow. In moments like today- an emotional pit- it’s easy to want to run to what I know will give me a result. It’s easy to ignore the Lord, forget to love myself, and slip into cycle of self-medication and denial. Today, I write this blog to expose myself, but also uncover the lies still haunting my heart. I know drugs are bad. I don’t need a refresher. I’m also aware of the signal a desire for chemical happiness is.
I’m hurting, and now is a time to reach out to the Lord. On that trail today I asked the Lord to “carry my heart.” (It’s tactic the Lord gave me last year- a way to combat confusion and anxiety.) Within seconds I saw the Holy Spirit put my heart on her back, and proceed to parade through the woods. She danced and laughed. I wept as the Lord celebrated. It as good.
Feelings are real, and not rooted in reality. They are merely the product what we believe is true in a given moment. I am sad because I believe I am shit. I am sad is a true statement, because I am shit it not. All of my anxiety or sorrow comes from such beliefs, and I feel like a douche just for saying it. Still…this is a moment of opportunity.
The last year I was stripped of girlfriend, business, a few friends, a few family members, etc. But, I grew in other areas- how to love myself, marketing, investing, drawings and painting, etc. Most importantly, I grew in my relationship with the Lord. Whenever I am in the fight- like today- it helps to remember just how far I’ve come in the last twelve months. Pretty far, a complete life overhaul.
Some days will be a struggle, and that’s ok. I repented. I live my life before the Lord, and He has met me. Every single day, He is there. No matter what thought derails my day, He’s by my side. Forever Immanuel. God with me.
