Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 9/5/23 Nik Curfman 9/5/23

Vol IV: #16 Love To Draw

If I wanted to uproot my life, enroll in med school, and become a doctor, I believe I could do it. Or an engineer, the field doesn’t matter. Pick any mentally challenging, technical field, and I believe I could succeed. But, set me down with a stack of newsprint and a pencil and I fall apart. Seems absurd to think, more so to write and put into the world.

I’m sure some will mock my thoughts, Nik, have you even tried to learn organic chemistry? And didn’t you fail physics? Twice? While it’s true, my grades in the sciences are lackluster, I want to remind the jury I earned A’s in biology when I decided to try. Systems, even variable systems, are easy to understand. But to produce something new, to capture something unknown to the the universe, then create it, that’s my challenge.

You see, I feel like a failure because my drawings are shit. They are eight grade at best. And I struggle to keep from filling my trash bin. I know I’m being harsh on myself. I know I need to be patient, that the excellence will come from the doing, from making slight adjustments every day. But man, do I suck right now.

And if I give up or self-sabotage, I’ll have lost the battle to my enemies called self-pity and shame. But my friend Love says to be patient and kind. Endure. And more than these, tie your heart to hope. Forgive yourself, and move on.

Nik Curfman 3/22/23 Nik Curfman 3/22/23

Abstract: Poke-r

A poem, about rejected love.

The thing about Texas Hold’em is sometimes, you’re dead and you’re don’t know you’re dead.

Maybe you’ve got a pair of aces and the flop gave you another,

And now you think your three aces are hot shit,

but they ain’t.

The dude across from you has nines,

and the board gave him two more.

But you bet big, confident and asured.

He raises.

You bet big again, trying to run him off,

but he raises again.

So doubt starts to form, you see two nines, but you go all-in.

He calls.

You flip your aces with a dramatic flare,

but he begins to rake the pot.

Suddenly you see the truth, and a searing sensation of loss and regret races through your heart,

the hand was lost before it was played.

You got played.

They take everything you had to give, and now you’ve got nothing.

This is what it feels like to love a woman who doesn’t love you back.

Nik Curfman 2/8/23 Nik Curfman 2/8/23

Vol III: #61 Meth And Love

What bothers me about the addict outside the supermarket was her lack of self-worth. She knows her condition better than I ever will, but she doesn’t know how loved she is. This sister lives in a violent, ruthless world. Everything has a price and trust is a fantasy. Meth is the only guarantee.

“Fuck you anyway, asshole!” shouted the dusty, meth rattled, woman from the sidewalk outside Raley’s supermarket. She looked pitiful enough and my heart was sad for her. My sin was I had looked the other way as she stood with her sign and thus deserved her curse. As I drove off, I looked in the rearview for a last glimpse. She was emaciated, skin tanned and scabbed, her hair matted and oily. Beside her were two trash bags. I wondered what they held. Addicts tend to sell anything of value as quick as they can, so it had to be blankets or coats- something valuable enough to lug up and down Lake Boulevard but not valuable enough to sell.

When I pulled into the driveway I turned the car off and thought about the poor lady. Meth was her master now and whatever she said or did was in service to him. The addiction isn’t what bothers me. What bothers me about the addict outside the supermarket was her lack of self-worth. She knows her condition better than I ever will, but she doesn’t know how loved she is. This sister lives in a violent, ruthless world. Everything has a price and trust is a fantasy. Meth is the only guarantee.

I know how she feels. I know what it’s like to feel abandoned and truly alone in life. I was jobless, all the doors shut, even to bus tables or wash dishes. My roommate began to distance himself from me, always busy with friends or work. And at my worst, he belittled me when the rent was late. Unable to cope, I swam ever deeper into self-pity. I hated who I was and believed I would never rise from the despair. When I shopped for groceries, I hated everyone I passed and from my beat up truck I sneered at happy couples strolling through the neighborhood. I didn’t know or believe I was loved, not by the Lord, or my parents, or my friends.

It was the Lord who delivered me from all, because He loves me. What my friend on the sidewalk needs isn’t money or meth. She needs love. And I pray she accepts it.

Nik Curfman 1/30/23 Nik Curfman 1/30/23

Vol III: #56 Luke 2, Part II

To know Jesus read the same scripture I do and was empowered to love the way He did, it’s an encouragement to me. And at the same time, breaks my heart when I see Christians referring to Old Testament scriptures on how to respond to attacks. Without Love, we are no greater than those trying to destroy us. Without a sense of who our Father is and how present He is, we are anxious orphans fumbling through life. Thankfully, we have more than a set of duties and sacrifices. And I’m grateful Jesus set the record straight regarding our Father and the importance of Love.

I am grateful to have the Bible, both the Old and New Testaments. And when I read Luke 2, I was reminded that Jesus, all the priests, and scribes only read the Old Testaments. So it astounds me to know Jesus read the Psalms written by David and told us to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” This commandment is not a prominent part of the Old Testament. A handful of verses in the Torah and Proverbs speak to specific acts of kindness toward an enemy, but stacked against the endless Psalms calling for violent justice, those versus are few and spread thin. Overall, the Old Testament is focused on one tribe’s relationship with God, and outsiders are generally belittled.

In a similar way, Jesus referred to God as Father. Here again, several OT scriptures refer to Yaweh as a Father, but it’s impersonal and distant. These verses see God as Father of the Law who performed acts of fatherhood and nothing more. Jesus experienced the Lord as a true Father, present and active and relational. He set the tone for what is possible for us.

Nik Curfman 11/30/22 Nik Curfman 11/30/22

Vol III: #46 What I Have To Say

I’m not here to rant about the Big Pharma or doctors. They are sinners who do not know what they do. Rather, I want to turn on the light. The current state of the western world frightens me. I see a death cult shaded in Donkey Left or Elephant Right. And, like so many, I feel drawn to “take a stand” or say something. So, I will.

I saw a drug commercial today and it freaked me out. Why do they want to mess with the biology of children? One day we’ll look back at this era with shame for what we allowed them to do to our kids. And, say what you will to defend the American medical system, I think it is one of the most immoral and corrupt industries in the entire world. They make trillions- literal trillions- off making us sick or ashamed. Instead of healing our diseases, they simply want to help us manage them. And boy, do we have a lot of diseases.

But, I’m not here to rant about the Big Pharma or doctors. They are sinners who do not know what they do. Rather, I want to turn on the light.

The current state of the western world frightens me. I see a death culture shaded in Blue Donkey Left and/or Red Elephant Right. And, like so many, I feel drawn to “take a stand” or say something. So. I will:

The Lord is good and His love is eternal.

He holds us and guides us,

and takes away our shame.

We can hold our heads high and hope for the future because of Him.

Jesus died so we may live and every thing we do and every thing we say matters.

We are the light and salt,

Without us, the world is dark, bland, and voilent.

I will not seek answers from politicians or demand satisfaction from greedy men,

But I will love the orphaned and the broken.

I will wave to my neighbors and pick up trash left by the addicts.

I’ll pray for miracles and smile at the darkness,

for greater is He in me than this bullshit in the world.

Nik Curfman 11/15/22 Nik Curfman 11/15/22

Vol III: #37 We Are All Hypocrites To Someone Else

I’ll close by admitting, I know I too look like a hypocrite, to someone. And, they are probably right. I’m guilty as charged. Who I am and the decisions I make are riddled with inconsistencies and flaws. What I choose to practice in this moment is what the kids call “stay(ing) in my lane.” Or, as Jesus as the Comedian put it, I choose to focus on the forest in my face rather than the branch of my neighbor’s.

Last week, I listened as two of my friends complained about lazy people. One went so far as to condemn a looming wedding because the groom “doesn’t work.” And Friend Two jumped on the slander train as I kept my tongue. My thoughts were stuck between where is the grace and what do these two think of me? Long after the conversation ended, I felt attacked- as someone looking for a job and having a hard time finding one. I fell into a bad old habit and took a defensive position. You, Mr. International Student, could work too via telecommute. But, you choose to bemoan your lack of funds. And you, Mr. Smug American, you are one of the most miserable people I know. I hope no one follows your example. It wasn’t until the next day that I was able to find peace.

I am not a lazy person. I do not watching TV all day or complain about a lack of money. Sure, it would be nice to have more money. But I know how to live thick and thin. Each scenario creates opportunities. When I’m not looking for work I am active in other ways- writing, blogging, cooking, mentoring a marketing intern, cleaning, exercising, reading, learning a new language, etc. My biggest problem is these activities do not pay the bills…yet.

In truth, all I really want from a job is just enough money to pay my bills. I’m single and cheap and I can afford to take risks such as writing a book or traveling. One day I’ll be married and that lovely lady will want a home and children. And I will give her those things. But it is not this day. My opportunity is the time I have to create a new life.

And yes, my friends are hypocrites. But their faults don’t diminish who they are. Both men are great men and will do great things. And the pride they showed will either limit them or be yanked out of them by the Lord. Regardless of outcome, I will not let their words define my experience or my current struggles. I can’t. (And to their credit, they have no idea what my struggles are. We aren’t that close.)

I’ll close by admitting, I know I too look like a hypocrite, to someone. And, they are probably right. I’m guilty as charged. Who I am and the decisions I make are riddled with inconsistencies and flaws. What I choose to practice in this moment is what the kids call “stay(ing) in my lane.” Or, as Jesus as the Comedian put it, I choose to focus on the forest in my face rather than the branch of my neighbor’s. My age and experience tells me to relax and enjoy my friends for who they are, to be patient and kind, and to keep rolling.

Nik Curfman 10/14/22 Nik Curfman 10/14/22

Vol III: #23 Loving Rebukes Are Good

After reading about birds and Saint Phoebe, I sat back and prayed. Lord, what is this? The response I received told me to focus on the tasks at hand and to push away all the distractions. It was a loving and kind rebuke as only the Lord can give. I needed it because buddy, lemme tell ya, I can be distracted. And I don’t need anyone else though they help. Nope. I can sit and live in my inner world for hours. One day, I’ll ponder a new business idea and the next I’ll debate the merits of Michael Jordan and the next I’ll plan to learn a new dish. In a way, I’m somewhat addicted to new ideas and concepts. I’d rather talk about what can be than what is.

A few weeks ago, a small bird called a Black Phoebe perched outside my window. It was about the size of a sparrow, all black but for its lower abdomen which was white. The contrast of black and white made for a captivating few moments. And then, he flew away. I reached for my phone and moments later I was able to identify my new friend, feeling a prod to dig deeper.

The name Phoebe is only mentioned once in scripture. Paul spoke highly of her in Romans 16 and declared her a deacon of a church. He did this to introduce her to the Romans as it is believed she carried the letter to the Romans on Paul’s behalf. These handful of kind words and some speculation is all we know of the lady. But, what more could any of us want said of us? Phoebe was devoted to the Gospel and hope the same is said of me.

After reading about birds and Saint Phoebe, I sat back and prayed. Lord, what is this? The response I received told me to focus on the tasks at hand and to push away all the distractions. It was a loving and kind rebuke as only the Lord can give. I needed it because buddy, lemme tell ya, I can be distracted.

I can sit and live in my inner world for hours. One day, I’ll ponder a new business idea and the next I’ll debate the merits of Michael Jordan and the next I’ll plan to learn a new dish. In a way, I’m somewhat addicted to new ideas and concepts. I’d rather talk about what can be than what is.

Yesterday, I had a new business idea and it was glorious. I spent hours jotting down notes, a business plan, and researched domain names. Then, I texted some potential investors and made a calendar of goals with corresponding tasks. In these moments, when the ideas are following and victory seems assured, I feel somewhat…high? But, and this is new, I had a knot in my mind. When I prayed this morning Lord, do you want me to do this? The answer was clear and loud. NO. I don’t need new business ideas or more projects in my life. This season is about the grind. It’s about writing and making a deeper connection with my purpose.

I’m thankful for the kind way the Lord steers my heart. The grind is unappealing and I am afraid to fail. I’m scared of dedicating myself to a goal and having nothing to show for it in the end. But, these are not His thoughts. Suffering in the Kingdom is a guarantee but so is purpose and destiny. Like Jesus, we each must drink from a cup we’d rather avoid. For me, in part, it is the grind. So be it.

Nik Curfman 8/31/22 Nik Curfman 8/31/22

Vol III: #12 All The Feels

I’ve been at peace, loved, and moving in faith without the feelings. AND, I’ve seen the Lord move during these moments. To be fair, the Lord moves all the time. He doesn’t make decisions on what I feel, which is good. I’ve felt a lot of feelings and if the Lord responded to all of them…He wouldn’t be God. He’d be some codependent, wannabe-deity, like a Greek god. The good result of putting feelings and emotions in a proper place is the overwhelming confidence that comes with faith and hope. I accept the ideas of: I will fail, I will offend people, I will hurt people, and life will try to hurt me*. Oh, well. I choose to stay committed to the Lord and not keen to what may offend me.

The last woman I dated hit a wall about three months into our relationship. And through the final two months, she fought her feelings and dreadful thoughts to stay in the relationship before she finally relented. The feels were gone and she was left with a choice. And, she chose to bail. Like many people, she didn’t have the faith to see or love to endure a committed romantic relationship. And, I’m grateful we broke up- grateful in knowing my days are not tied to someone incapable of commitment or hope.

I will always have a reservoir of compassion for my ex-girlfriend, and all the people who struggle to overcome emotional addictions. It helps that I struggle too. The feelings fight is real, especially when our reactions are visceral. We tend to trust our feelings over logic or principles. And, this is one of the traps of our age.

One my heroes, CS Lewis, stated the enemy’s use of feeling this way in The Screwtape Letters:

The simplest is to turn their gaze away from Him towards themselves. Keep them watching their own minds and trying to produce feelings there by the action of their own wills. When they meant to ask Him for charity, let them, instead, start trying to manufacture charitable feelings for themselves and not notice that this is what they are doing. When they meant to pray for courage, let them really be trying to feel brave. When they say they are praying for forgiveness, let them be trying to feel forgiven. Teach them to estimate the value of each prayer by their success in producing the desired feeling; and never let them suspect how much success or fail.

I mauled over this passage for the last two years. And, I tried to find the space between being led by my feelings and honoring them. Feelings are from the Lord too, right? And, what would life be without being able to feel peace or love or gratitude or grief? Since all good things are from the Lord, and emotions are from the Lord, then our feelings are inherently good. I want to experience pain and joy, but not be led by them.

More important to my post today is the idea that the most powerful and grand aspects of the Lord’s Kingdom have nothing to do with feelings. Faith and love aren’t feelings. Peace isn’t a feeling. Love isn’t an emotion. They are a way to live life and they do not need the assistance of feelings.

What is good is always good, regardless of how we feel about it. The perverse thing is when the enemy confuses people so much they question the importance and critical natural of family or endurance. And how many arguments sprouted from hurt feelings loosely based on fact? A former roommate exploded when he thought I was ignoring him. It wasn’t true, of course. The episode exposed lingering abandonment issues deep within my friend. He let his feelings dictate his thoughts and actions.

I will also love people well and build community around honor and generosity. What I leave behind as my legacy will be greater than my mistakes.

*I certainly do not intend to hurt anyone or be hurt. But, that’s life. We hurt each other. Thank the Lord for grace and kindness and forgiveness.

Nik Curfman 8/24/22 Nik Curfman 8/24/22

Vol III: #8 Hero David

In some ways, I consider the ability to love a far greater miracle than any healing or sign or wonder. And David, years before Jesus, loved. He loved the Lord. He loved himself. He loved his friends and family. And…he loved his enemies. What the Lord did through David was only possible because David choose the Way of the Lord, not revenge or self-righteous promotion. Never once, before he was King, did David promote himself or try to claim the thrown. He trusted the Lord and let events work themselves out.

King David was 30 years old when he ascended to the thrown over all Israel and Judah. While this seems like a wunderkind promotion, it was anything but. David, like Saul, went from tending to livestock, to warrior, to politician and family man. The key difference is David had a heart after the Lord and did not lean on himself to bring about God’s promises.

Consider this: David was the youngest son of Jesse, a shepherd. He won a great battle vs the Philistine champion Goliath. From there, he won the favor of King Saul. Then, he lost the favor of King Saul. Then, he ran and hid from King Saul, for years. Ultimately, he settled among the Philistines to protect himself. And after Saul fell, he became king…of Judah. And only after a civil war, the death of Abner, and reunification of all Israel and Judah, did David become King. What a trial and journey for a man with absolutely no idea on how to be king.

After reading about David, I see more of his admirable qualities. For starters, and I’ll defend this to my death, David was a man of peace. When he had to fight, he was fierce. But, he did not joyfully reach for the sword when faced with an enemy or opposition. Secondly, David refused to cross the word of the Lord. I’m sure he thought Saul was an asshole, but he was the Lord’s asshole. Thusly, David exhibited amazing patience. The last quality I admire about David is his integrity. Years after Saul’s death, David honored his children as he said he would.

None of what David did is beyond my reach. And ,what I want to emulate most is how I trust the Lord and honor the Lord’s servants- whether they deserved it or not. I spent years of my life in a state of anger toward church leaders (and almost any leader in my life.) What a waste of time and energy! I didn’t see the opportunity presented to me. It’s an honor to cover people in their trespasses and mistakes. Truly. That’s what love is. Without forgiveness, grace, honor, and patience, the body of Christ is nothing more than superstitious rule keepers. But, the true power and glory we possess is the ability to fight through all the snares and traps set before us, to love the one who belittles or bullies us, and hold onto the promises and word of the Lord.

The Lord has made some big promises to me and (here and now) I’m committed to handing those promises back to the Lord, for Him to fulfill. Whether they take five years or forty, I know He will do what He said He would do. That’s my God, the God of Abraham, David, and Nik.

Nik Curfman 7/19/22 Nik Curfman 7/19/22

Vol II: #94 Facing Loss

To echo Bill, I’m not entitled to anything. And, I certainly will not tell the Lord how to be God. But, I will hope. In the days to come, whatever comes, I will expect the Lord’s presence to go with me wherever I go, and for Him to fulfill His promises. When the losses mount and the pain is great, I want to stand on my stage and say God is still Good!

I didn’t know which direction Bill Johnson would go in the aftermath of his wife’s death. My best guess was that he would preach sooner than later, and I hoped he would let us see his process. And, a mere three days after her passing, Bill stood on stage and told the world that God is good. He declared it through tears and without jokes, though his humor made a few appearances over the hour he was on stage. He let us in on his pain and how he missed his wife. In all my life, loss and grief have driven more people away from the Lord than science or logic. (People tend to find the “facts” well after the pain takes root.) For Bill to do what he did on Sunday morning was miraculous and- for me- his finest hour.

My entire life I’ve observed people in their moments of pain and heart ache, some self-inflicted, some not. And, I experienced by own versions of loss and grief. What I can firmly proclaim is it’s not if we experience pain but when, which leads us to a choice: to sit at the Lord’s feet and hold onto to hope…or sink into despair and anger. Unfortunately, we are encouraged to define our lives by how we’ve been victimized and/or abused. And real as those horrors can be, it’s not healthy to identify with the worst moments of our lives. That’s the plan of the enemy, to pull our heads down and cover us in doom.

Nik Curfman 7/14/22 Nik Curfman 7/14/22

Abstract: Death of a Saint

A poem, about what a saint is, in honor of a saint.

Heaven doesn’t have a scoreboard,

hung above the pearl lined gate.

Instead, one question is asked of every soul seeking admittance: Did you learn to love?

To turn from fear or anger, greed and shame?

Learn to give? To hope? To receive?

And, make your anxieties known to the Lord?

Did you pray for your enemies and the ones who laughed at your pain?

Did you forgive your worst offender and set them free of the debt owed to you?

Did you grow in kindness and faith?

And, to the person in your mirror, did you love them too?

This is what all saints do,

in their own way at the pace predestined by Him.

How you began the journey makes no difference,

or where you end.

What matters is how you finish the race you ran.

Beni Johnson passed away late Wednesday evening. Whatever she was, her legacy is love. She loved the Lord, her husband, and family. She loved her community to best of her ability and left a mark on the earth. My prayer today is for her husband and for us. May we all learn to love and leave our mark on the people around us. There are no small saints in Heaven, only people who learned to love.

Nik Curfman 7/5/22 Nik Curfman 7/5/22

Vol II: #89 Blessed To Be An American

What I want to say is I am blessed to be an American. And every blessing from the Lord is a responsibility. Every American Christian owes the Lord interest on the gift He gave us for which we will give account for when we pass on. I believe, with our eyes on the Lord, we can navigate this age without swearing allegiance to any party or person. And may we never lose sight of the fact that our biggest impact will be on our families, neighbors, and coworkers. Love conquers all and is more powerful than money or sin or votes.

The more I love Jesus, the less attached I feel to a worldly identity. Put another way, I don’t see myself as a sports fan or southern or as a foodie. I like sports though I watch less every year. And, I love food despite learning to love the most common ingredients and recipes. The last ten years taught me to love and appreciate different aspects of life without making them a major part of my identity.

Accordingly, the idea of “proud to be an American” seems more foreign than ever. (And, if it needs to be said, I am not ashamed to an American.) My country of birth is a wonderful gift from God, passed to me by immigrants from Europe. And, what a beautiful country it is- the people and land. But, pride? No. Patriotism and/or nationalism are not Biblical in any capacity. The New Testament is clear on this. Jesus first, then Paul, make explicit where our hearts and heads should focus: the Lord and His Kingdom. This isn’t to say we can’t value our homeland. But, my aim is to value the Lord and His people over any place and its laws and culture.