Abstract: Assurance of The Unseen.

Abstraction
Written By Nik Curfman

The gates closed, and I beat my fists bloody,

Knocking to be let in.

Lost and alone in the night,

I blamed me,

I slandered me,

I convicted me,

Of worthlessness and sins beyond redemption.

What we honor, what we love, we do not leave to the darkness to rust,

For vandals and thieves.


Exhausted from the pounding struggle,

To be accepted and loved,

I relented to my nothingness, naked without purpose or use.


For good measure,

The foul wind whistled and cackled at my sorrow,

Each breath from my lungs,

Exposed by the chill and the moon light,

A harsh reminder,

I am here, but will soon be forgotten.


In the stillness I remained,

And more I waited.

The lies began to die, and accusations faded.

For too long stared at the locked gates,

The embodiment of my shame,

Rejected again.


With my eyes closed,

I focused on my breath,

One deep draw after another, my chest rising and falling in rhythm.

I began to sway with the evergreens and enjoy the scent of their pines.

At my back, the river laughed like a chorus of children,

Innocent and clean,

Nature extended her kind hand.


I have demanded honors I could not accept,

and longed for lovers I did not deserve.


I could stay.

I could dance for the people in the watch towers,

Cook to delight the king and queen inside,

I could do all the things to make myself into something they want,

What I do not want to be.


What I thirst for is not behind locked gates.

What I want is not the momentary approval,

Cheap graces and easily won loyalty.


Chin tucked to my chest,

Only honest words existed in this moment of solitude.

I am in pain,

Rejection coursing through my veins,

An old drug, from an old habit.

Tonight, I will not repent or beg forgiveness,

Rather for courage and hope,

Vision and strength.


I cannot answer why I long for the praise,

A riddle to be remedied some other day,

When the Spirit deems so.


This frigid night,

Surround by creation,

I do not curse the closed doors or those who locked them.

Instead, as my heart cries for love and acceptance,

I will not focus on what I do not have.


Tonight is the night to latch onto hope,

And lean into the assurance of the Unseen.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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