Journal: #196 Mentally And Emotionally Fried

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

Today, thus far, is a f*cking wild one. My emotions have swung from steady and optimistic to despair to calm to sad, then back to optimistic. Literally, WTF?!

My day in brief:

  • During my morning walk, I had a great break through concerning my art and sculpting. (Truly. I’ll blog about it tomorrow.)

  • Then after a successful Zoom meeting, I slipped into heavy worthlessness. By the time I made it home for lunch I was a sloppy mess.

  • On the way through the door into my apartment to each said lunch, I found out I got a raise and a small bonus from my marketing firm.

  • My response to the good news? I sat on the floor and cried. I don’t deserve a raise.

  • Not to worry, I had another call to snap me out of my pity party. It went well.

As I write this blog, I’m mentally and emotionally fried. And…I’m hopeful. I haven’t hit a low like this in a while, months perhaps. Since I decided to be more honest to myself about my feelings, this outburst is a sign of progress not regression.

Several times through today, the Holy Spirit came. We laughed through the tears. To feel so much sorrow and yet so much unexplained joy is odd. It is also welcomed. I’d rather laugh at myself with the Lord than give into shame.

The trek out of the Valley of Death is longer than I hoped it would be, but I can see the light on the hills. A slip or a trip is part of walking, it shows I am on the move. So be it. I’m thankful for all the days between today the last day I felt a bit crazy.

God is good.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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