Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 2/4/21 Nik Curfman 2/4/21

Journal: #196 Mentally And Emotionally Fried

The trek out of the Valley of Death is longer than I hoped it would be, but I can see the light on the hills. A slip or a trip is part of walking, it shows I am on the move. So be it. I’m thankful for all the days between today the last day I felt a bit crazy.

Today, thus far, is a f*cking wild one. My emotions have swung from steady and optimistic to despair to calm to sad, then back to optimistic. Literally, WTF?!

My day in brief:

During my morning walk, I had a great break through concerning my art and sculpting. (Truly. I’ll blog about it tomorrow.)
Then after a successful Zoom meeting, I slipped into heavy worthlessness. By the time I made it home for lunch I was a sloppy mess.
On the way through the door into my apartment to each said lunch, I found out I got a raise and a small bonus from my marketing firm.
My response to the good news? I sat on the floor and cried. I don’t deserve a raise.
Not to worry, I had another call to snap me out of my pity party. It went well.

As I write this blog, I’m mentally and emotionally fried. And…I’m hopeful. I haven’t hit a low like this in a while, months perhaps. Since I decided to be more honest to myself about my feelings, this outburst is a sign of progress not regression.

Several times through today, the Holy Spirit came. We laughed through the tears. To feel so much sorrow and yet so much unexplained joy is odd. It is also welcomed. I’d rather laugh at myself with the Lord than give into shame.

God is good.

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Nik Curfman 10/21/20 Nik Curfman 10/21/20

Daily Journal: #94 Mental Health Day

I am terrible at seeing my progress. Finding flaws? No problem. I am a Jedi master at finding flaws. Progress is bit more difficult to locate. I literally must stop my day and review the gains. Today was a good day for this reason. I got perspective on my progress as a man, and the result is a buffer between me and anxiety.

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I didn’t plan on taking a mental health day today, but I did. I went to my business coach/counselor this morning, and it kinda ruined my day- in the best way. When I got home I ate lunch and rehashed our conversation. Then I re-read and edited all my posts from the last month. (My writing has improved. I’m not Shakespeare, but I am improving.) I basically spent the entire day reviewing the last two months of my life.

Values and Goals

In my session, we talked about goals and the values sets. I know what I value. It’s love. I love to love people. That’s what I want to do with my life. Whenever I’m asked “what do you want to do with your life” my heart responds “I want to love people.” Terrified my brain quickly shits on my heart. I usually blurt some type of more relatable profession. How does one make money “loving people?”

A quick step back and I see a slew of professions related to loving people- counseling, teaching, pastoring, etc. In reality, it is not a hard question to answer. The snag is I do not want to be solely a counselor, a teacher, or pastor. Can’t I be all three? (Not joking.) Moreover, the idea of being a cog in a wheel seems dull. In the professions I mentioned above I notice a certain resigned cynicism among the people in them.

I don’t want what I love to become a life-sucking job. It would be nice to get paid to be me though. That’s my dream.

On Getting Paid to Be Me

A few years ago my dad asked me a simple question, “haven’t you ever had a job you loved?” The answer was, and continues to be, no. My current marketing gig is what it is. I’m thankful for it, and I love the guys I work with at Cultre. Alex and Justin are my brothers. I don’t hate marketing. I just don’t love it. My day is filled with a series of tasks, and very little meaningful human interaction- which is what I crave.

The idea I can craft my values and desires into a job seems like a wild jackass fantasy. For starters, I have no idea how to get paid to be me. My coach told me it's possible, as it is what he did. I’m inclined to believe him. Secondly, I have no idea what I’m offering or what value other people will have for it. What I am confident in is this: I desperately want the jackass fantasy to be true.

Jesus Drinks Patience

One word kept flashing in my mind most of the day: Patience. It’s ironic because I don’t know where I’m going. All I know is I want to get there soon. And why? Because I have a mythical woman I need to impress. (How’s that for honesty?) I’m being as vulnerable as I can when I admit that. In my mind I need to be a full package, not a collection of pieces. I put pressure on myself to have answers, to have my future “figured out.”

I can feel the truth of the moment on my skin. Wherever I am and wherever I’m going is a work in progress. I’ve got to make peace with it. I’ve got to be able to face a woman and tell her- with confidence- this is me. I am mostly poor, loaded with student loan debt, in the midst of a major life shift…and I’m thrilled af about it.

Patience, Nik. The best parts of your life will grow from the seeds watered by patience.

Thank God.

In conclusion, I want to love people and make money while I do it. I believe it’s possible; therefore, I will remain patient in my pursuit of the dream. What a crazy life.