Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 5/13/22 Nik Curfman 5/13/22

Vol II: #68 In All Things

The key to having joy and hope in the worst circumstances is in how much we trust Jesus. This is what Paul meant. Jesus was Paul’s provider and protector, and the Rock I on which I will build my life. No market collapse or war or death or health problem is going to keep me from worshipping Him or receiving His joy and love. And from this perch, He will give me power to rebuke the storms(fear) and vision to find the other side of the sea.

In case you live under a rock- of any sort- you are probably aware of the financial and economic pressure mounting in the US and around the globe. Prices are rising and the value of assets like stocks are collapsing. Oil is expensive and the war in Ukraine continues- though Russia seems to be losing steam as Ukrainian forces make use of finest weaponry the West has to offer. And, like a hero or an idiot, I find myself drawn to the turmoil. It’s the chaos that births the most interest and useful opportunities.

For example, I wish I had $20,000 to invest into crypto. “But Nik, didn’t the crypto market just collapse?” Yes. Exactly. It’s a perfect time to buy. “But Nik, will they price of crypto ever rise again?” Yes. They will. The underlying technologies of crypto- blockchain and Web 3.0- are here to stay. Despite this severe downturn, the technology will carry on, though with less fanfare. (I genuinely believe the crypto collapse is good for the long-term health of the market. Governments will now step in to add much need regulation of such markets. Provided the regulation is added soon, we will not see another massive failure.)

My broader point is that crisis is nothing more than opportunity in waiting. Some changes and leaps are easier to take when our backs are up against the wall. I want to be able to take advantage of what each crisis/opportunity provides. Of course, I don’t need a crisis to be to make the most of moment. Each season and stage of life has hidden and not-so-hidden gems to mine. (To arrive at this conclusion does not make me wise or a sage, the ancient Chinese General Sun Tzu wrote similar remarks almost 3000 years ago. )

The hardest part of mastering turmoil and chaos is keeping our heads. And, these are the moments when the words of Paul reign above all else:

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:11-13

I spent the last eight months being tested emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Nearly everyday gave me a choice on how to respond to a different challenge- when I felt attacked by a leader, when investments didn’t pay out, I got poison oak three times and COVID twice, personal failures, and learning to love the Body of Christ. It was during my second bout with COVID I decided I was doing to love the Lord and worship Him, regardless of the outcome. Even more than this, I decided I was going to choose faith and hope over anger or fear. (Anger makes us feel powerful and in control, but it is never satisfied.)

Nik Curfman 4/11/21 Nik Curfman 4/11/21

Journal: #253 John & Natalie Take Risks

I love it. I love she quit her job to do soemthing she has to do. Maybe it gets published, maybe it doesn’t. Even if it is picked by an agent and published by a House, the book could flop in the eyes of readers. Still, so what?

Early this morning, I slung my coffee into an empty water bottle and hurried down the Five to Sacramento for the day. I went to meet up with John and Natalie, who recently moved back to California from Atlanta. Today marked our first proper visit in three years.

I met John on my first day of first job in Redding. He was in his early twenties then, tall and charismatic. We worked side by side cold-calling prospects, which he took to like a fish to water. I was a bit more of a cat in a bath. I never liked sales and was glad when I finally quit the last sales job I’ll ever take.

John and Natalie met in Redding via BSSM and got married eight years ago. What I love about there vibe is their willingness to be who they are and take risks. They aren’t content with normal jobs and getting old. And then, there’s “her book.” Natalie’s book has been in process for at least seven years, having existed in some form for the last 5 years. Today Natalie told me she has completely rewritten the entire novel over the last three months. Why? Because. They are taking risks.

Natalie was case worker for a local autism non-profit when I first met her. Also tall but less charismatic than her husband, she is thoughtful and even-keeled. What her and John share most is a thirst to try new things, visit new places, and find adventure. When other couples their age think about buying a house and producing offspring, Natalie and John moved across the country, visited Turkey, Portugal, Taiwan, and Singapore, and tried their hand in at few small businesses.

After we ordered coffee, John began to fill me on why the sudden move back to California. It’s about “her book.” In the quest to get it published, my friends made a baller move. They decided she needed to write full-time. To afford the income reduction, they moved in with his parents…so she could write. I love it. I love she quit her job to do something she has to do. Maybe it gets published, maybe it doesn’t. Even if it is picked by an agent and published by a House, the book could flop in the eyes of readers. Still, so what? Success at any of those steps above would be amazing. Every rejection will sting. That’s the way it is. And yet…the unthinkable doesn’t happen if she doesn’t write or submit manuscripts.

I’d love to be that husband one day. I’d love for my wife to say “I’ve got to do this,” and then I do whatever is needed to help her make it happened. I’d rather be rejected a hundred times, than regret not trying. Admittedly, I want a wife who will do the same.

After a day of coffee, strolls through downtown Sacramento, and Chinese grocery stores, I hugged my friends and started home. Once I cleared Sacramento city traffic, I began to thank the Lord for my friends. They are unique in my life in character and vision. Of all the couples I know, I like their marriage the most for those reasons. They honor what the gifts the Lord gave them and step out in faith. It’s fun to watch.

Nik Curfman 4/6/21 Nik Curfman 4/6/21

Journal: #249 Depression Returns

Depression is an old adversary, but I ain’t the same Nik. I choose to fight for me. For the people I love. And the promises God gave me.

I slept ten hours last night, which is unusual. Eight hours is my normal max. After eight hours, my hips and legs begin to ache and I start to feel restless. But, last night I feel asleep at 9:30 PM. It’s a sign.

I sleep as a means of avoiding life, as if I can sleep my way though disappointment and shame. I know I can’t. That’s not how life works. It’s a tactic used by those suffering from depression. So, odds are, I’m suffering some form of depression. All the symptoms are there, and I know them well. Had this been a younger Nik, I might start to eat my way into another thirty pound weight gain. I might hide and cry behind closed doors.

That Nik is dead. I might be battling depression, but I will not lose. I will not relent to shame and guilty, rejection or anger. I believe in me. I believe in the Holy Spirit in me. I trust the Lord to guide my heart, through this shitty experience, where all I want to do is change everything about me. He says You are loved and worth of love. And Your heart will be full. I will change nothing, rather I will cling to Jesus. I will cry and feel my heart mend. I will pray and use words only heaven understands.

Depression is an old adversary, but I ain’t the same Nik. I choose to fight for me. For the people I love. And the promises God gave me.

Nik Curfman 4/5/21 Nik Curfman 4/5/21

Journal: #248 A Promise From God

In typical Jesus, He cut through the fear so effortlessly it jarred me out of my self-pity. He gave me a promise. Deep in my soul, I know it will be fulfilled. I will find a great woman, and we will love each other till death.

I’m out at the coast to begin my week. I scheduled this trip weeks ago not knowing just how timely it would be. Most of the drive out here (Blue Lake, CA) I prayed, and at times I cried. My goal was to enjoy the drive through the Trinity mountains along various rivers and creeks, which is quite beautiful.

After I settled into my AirBNB, I went for a drive north up the 101 toward Oregon. There’s an amazing lookout just off the road north of Klamath. It’s a bit of a drive, but every view and turn make the trek worth more than the time and energy given to complete it. No regrets.

The last stop I made was at a beach with black sand and powerful green waves. I walked to edge of the surf and breathed in the salt and the sea. Then I broke.

Five years ago I stood in these same beautiful forests. It was the first time I let myself feel a need for woman- a partner, a best friend, and a companion. Since then, that seed has grown to become a thriving desire I cannot ignore.

I thought she was it, but she wasn’t. (Oh God did I want her. Finally, someone I could love forever.) For all her faults and flaws and immaturity, she was the one. At this point I’m not sure what I was to her. I don’t know what stories she tells herself about me.

The devastating aspect to this whole thing is I almost had what I wanted. I want someone to love, who will let me love them, and receive it. I want to support her dreams, cook dinner, hold her hand at family events, and walk with her when she sinks into Valleys of Death. I want to love and raise our children to be strong and compassionate Jesus-loving people.

As I left the beach yesterday, I began to sob about my empty heart to the Lord. Lord, I’m not a whole person. I just want to love someone for the rest of my life. I feel like a loser. This isn’t writing or drawing. I’m only half of the equation. And the Lord did answer: “Your heart will be more full than you can comprehend or expect.”

Typical Jesus, He cut through the fear so effortlessly it jarred me out of my self-pity. He gave me a promise. Deep in my soul, I know it will be fulfilled. I will find a great woman, and we will love each other till death. In between, we will walk together through every pile of shit, though every desert valley, and over every mountain. We will stop to delight in the blooms of spring, find cool water during the summers, and marvel at the autumn colors. We will travel places and meet people. We will love each other and others fiercely. And we will lavish Grace and favor on our community.

That’s my future. My ask is the Lord prepare me for her. (And, her for me.)

I trust you Lord. Thank you for your promise in the midst of my trial. Thank you for doing everything you said you would in Matthew 5- to those of us who are poor in spirit, crying out for righteousness. You answer with hope and love. I love you Father. Thanks for walking through this with me.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 4/4/21 Nik Curfman 4/4/21

Journal: #247 More Faith, Like The Old Faith

My life can only improve the more faith I am willing to exercise. As much as this hurts, I fully embrace it. What waits for me on the other side of this heart ache and process is a more confident Nik, and that’s what the world needs.

Yesterday was the day I finally accepted the fact my ex-lady ain’t coming back. It took ten months to get here. Now, I feel drained and completely alone. The grand motivation to “prove myself” to her is gone. It’s just me and the Holy Spirit.

The choice I now face appears different than those I faced before, but it is not. Last summer I faced the dissolution of my business partnership. My choice was to stay in an unhealthy situation or trust the Lord. I chose to trust Him. And, he took care of me. The only difference between that moment and this one is I wanted out of the business. It was an easy trust.

The big difference between the partnership debacle and the breakup is I wanted to get out of the partnership. I didn’t not want to break up, which is why I held on as long as I did. The setup looks different but my choices are the same. I can ignore what is happening in my heart and mind, and eventually self-destruct under a pile of shame and porn. Or…I can do what I did last summer. I can enter the fog.

The fog is a place between me and Jesus. It’s the place I go to give up my ideas and wounds, to find peace and trust.

A few weeks ago the Lord said I would have “new life” which was attached to new motivation. I can’t help but believe fully letting go of my ex is big part of that. This moment is about me diving ever deeper into the Lord. There’s a transformation coming for me, where I’m no longer motivated by the thoughts and opinions of others. That’s what I’m being offered- a change to completely own who I am and break a cycle self-loathing.

Nik Curfman 11/14/20 Nik Curfman 11/14/20

Daily Journal: #118 Stuck Is A Lie

Each of us can overturn the tables on shame and self-condemnation. It will always start with being honest and using our faith to fight through it. Faith says “The Father knows what I’m facing, and He has a plan. Lord, be God in the place in my heart (or mind.) I do not believe Your will includes my failure.” The moment we make room for another possibility, we allow God to go to work.

I’ve been there, that hopeless feeling when I see the same sins creep into my routines. It’s present when the scale confirms my worst fear, when my bank account dips lower, and I spend another Friday night on the couch. I’m stuck living a life I hate. I am fat, broke, and alone. I always will be.

These are powerful thoughts to think, even though they are lies. That’s because these are no ordinary lies. There is a logic to them. I’ve battle my weight all of my life, rarely held onto extra dollars, and dated once every few years. There’s a pattern, one I seem unable to break. But…that’s not true.

What Is True

Patterns are a gift from the Lord. I believe that. They tell a story and shine a light on our flaws. It is the enemy who adds condemnation to your insecurity. When I face the same disappointments it is an indication of I have an area in need of my attention.

For nearly 40 years, I thought I was overweight because I was undisciplined, lazy, and impulsive. I could diet for a while, exercise, and focus on my sleep routine. Eventually, I’d fail. I’d fall off the tight rope. The pounds marched back through the door, and usually brought friends. Each extra pound was confirmation I’m stuck being fat.

But, that’s not true.

I wasn’t overweight because I’m lazy or undisciplined. I was overweight because I hated myself, and lacked self-worth. All of my motivation was focused on winning the approval of others. I didn’t have grace for my lapses or mistakes. Each piece of pizza was a symbol of my hopelessness.

Once I learned to love myself, I found the grace to enjoy life without condemnation. I spent an entire weekend in September eating and drinking foods I never eat or drink. When I got back to California, I didn’t sweat it even though I gain a pound or two on the trip. One pound did not turn into twenty.

Get Back to Healthy

My key to moving past my patterns is grace. The more I love myself, the more I am able to move through shame and sorrow. When I got from my trip to Alabama, I went right back to what is healthy for me: walks in the morning with Jesus, intermittent fasting, and a low carb diet. It took a week, but that pound melted off.

In my past, whenever I fell off my horse, I stayed down. I criticized myself for falling and refused to get back on the saddle. It seems silly now, but that’s the truth. I couldn’t handle failure, because failure meant I was unworthy and imperfect.

I am imperfect. I will fail. But, that’s ok. It doesn’t mean I’m unworthy. I am worthy because the Lord says I am. I am loved because I exist. I am amazing, and wonderfully made. These are the truths about Nik (and you.) I am stuck only when I choose to believe that lie. I am not my sins. I am not a loser.

It does not matter how many times I fall, I can get right back up. This week I’ve felt sad everyday, but I’m not stuck in sadness. I let myself feel the sorrow, then I go for a walk with Jesus. Lord, I’m here. I admit my sadness and why I’m sad. Then I let Him take it from me. Instead of spiraling into self-pity and depression, I laugh and the peace of God finds my heart.

I am not stuck.

Moving Through Stuck

Each of us can overturn the tables on shame and self-condemnation. It will always start with being honest and using our faith to fight through it. Faith says “The Father knows what I’m facing, and He has a plan. Lord, be God in the place in my heart (or mind.) I do not believe Your will includes my failure.” The moment we make room for another possibility, we allow God to go to work.

The next step is immediately go back to what we know is healthy for us. Healthy behavior includes expressing gratitude, exercising self-grace, and question the anxiety (What does the Lord say about me? What is the truth? What else is possible in this moment?) Go for a walk, drink some water, and listen to some worship. Do what it takes to treat yourself with love and kindness.

You’re worth it.

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Nik Curfman 11/7/20 Nik Curfman 11/7/20

Daily Journal: #111 Holding the Line

I want to maintain my friendships in a healthy, loving way. I embrace the ideas some of the dynamics were broken and need to be repaired. It takes two people to make any relationship work, and I believe the people on the other side want the same.

I was challenged this week with a few situations I’d rather avoid. The election and the ensuing hysteria is one, and maintaining boundaries is the other. Elections happen, and the hype is momentary. Finding ways to love family and friends while I love/respect myself, I find to be much tougher.

Twice this week I faced a moment to assert myself and possibly disappoint the person on the other end. Today, I went for a walk to pray through once of these situations. I felt like an asshole, as though I’m being selfish. What is my boundary? I’m asking someone I love to stop talking trash about another person I love. When I see it in words on my laptop screen, I know I’m doing the right thing.

It isn’t love to tolerate the complaints and dishonor of one human toward another.

What My Worries Are

The most obvious flaw of my feelings are I must accept the and listen to someone when they trash others. My concern is if I am vocal, and enforce a boundary of honor, I will be accused of being selfish or manipulative. It’s not true. Again, when I see the words on screen, it’s very apparently. I’m doing the right thing. I am not called to embrace the offense and resentment of others.

I want to walk and sit with people in their low moments. Friendship and love is, in part, how we embrace the struggles of our loved ones. But when someone wants to bitch and complain, and be a victim? No. That’s something else.

Still, isn’t love patient, kind, and long-suffering? What does love looks like in what I’m facing? I know I don’t have to tolerate the willful resentment someone carries, but I do not want to shame and push them away. I’m not sure what the answer is.

What I Believe

I don’t have a concrete answer of how to navigate this season of my life. What I choose to believe is I can navigate this stickiness. I’m not sure what the answers will be, I just have faith they exist. (I am probably other thinking it.) Regardless, my heart is to honor everyone involved. And I trust the Lord to give me wisdom and grace. I will not crucify myself as I know I’m doing my best.

My Prayer

Lord…help. I want to love myself and my friends. I lay my desires and burdens at Your feet. I accept Your peace and grace. I know I will find the loving solutions. Showers my friends with Your Love and Wisdom. Thank you Jesus.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/2/20 Nik Curfman 11/2/20

Daily Journal: #106 Suffering is Part of Life

People who take risks aren’t idiots. They are willing to fail and suffer because they believe whatever is on the other side is worth the trip. It’s that simple. It’s immature to believe we can avoid this journey in areas of life like marriage. It’s immature to believe we can find the “right” person. (Right meaning safe and perfect.)

Sunday, I went to a friend’s house to socialize, smoke spare ribs, and watch football. In the waning moments of Seahawks/49ers game, the group discussion turned to dating. My buddy Nathan has an upcoming date with a very colorful young lady. She is not like anyone in this group of friends, so naturally it’s cause for concern. It wasn’t long before one of the gang used a phrase that makes me cringe: red flags. The young lady at question has red flags according to this self-appointed judge. I held my tongue. Newsflash bud, everyone has red flags.

Immaturity on Display

Pain is real. Our first, yet immature, instinct is to avoid it. I will add, our desire to avoid pain is practical. As children we learn the stove is hot, ice is slick, and bad grades are unacceptable. More subtly, we are taught to do what we are told, to live lives acceptable to others, and mistakes are unacceptable. When we become adults we see failure and disappointment as blights on our souls. (She dated a deadbeat. Something must be wrong with her.) Ultimately, we learn safety is the first goal of any venture.

I spent much of my adult life trying to avoid being seen as foolish, and I hate to feel humiliated. It goes back to when I was a kid. Several times I experienced severe stage fright. Which is a bit odd when I think back on it. I didn’t have a problem being a class clown. Something about being the center of attention overwhelmed me, but off the cuff? No problem. I’ve entertained hundreds of people at football games with my in-game commentary. (Literally. I’ve had an entire section of this stadium laugh at my jokes. Multiple times. My brother and I kinda had an unofficial, totally improved comedy routine.)

My point is I once believed I could tease the pain out of my life, that I could avoid being seen as foolish, avoid public humiliation. It’s not true. I want to live a life on the edge of my being, in pursuit of Jesus. It’s uncool and likely to exact a price. So be it. I’m tired of being afraid to make mistakes. My heart was meant to be used, so what’s the point of protecting it.

Balls Out, Heart Out

The best parts of life are when we are in motion. I have rarely experienced the greatness of God sitting on my ass waiting for something miraculous to happen. I gambled multiple times in the last twelve month, and I lost everything on those bets. On paper. On paper, I lost my business partnership and suffered a heart-wrenching breakup. I opened myself to possibilities and the fruit was not what I wanted, but it was nonetheless good.

The Lord shows up and meets me when I move and put my faith on the line. Wisdom is not the avoidance of disappointment but in the acceptance of it. If we do not let disappointment beat us down, we win. Suffering is absolutely part of life. Our loved ones will die. Jobs we thought were awesome will exhaust us. And our relationship with the Lord will sour from time to time, in need of refreshment.

People who take risks aren’t idiots. They are willing to fail and suffer because they believe whatever is on the other side is worth the trip. It’s that simple. It’s immature to believe we can avoid this journey in areas of life like marriage. It’s immature to believe we can find the “right” person. (Right meaning safe and perfect.)

Grace Grace

On my walk this morning, I found a weak spot in my heart. I’ve held anger toward the person who brought up “red flags.” This person is tied up in fear, trying to be perfect. They expect perfection from a date or significant other. They can’t see the inherent flaws in that perspective. It’s easy to sit in judgment of others from the sidelines.

What my friend needs isn’t my anger but my love and prayers. I can hear the strain in their voice and the idealism dominating their heart. They apply these judgments to themself first, so I know whatever they express about others is a fraction of the dialogue of their mind. It’s a shitty place to live, wanting more but unable to move.

Lord, touch my friends with grace and patience. Break the cycle of perfection and shame. Let them see and experience the goodness of Your love. Let them know they must move. It’s dangerous, but worth it. Mistakes will be made. Worth it.

Lord, set us free from idealism and performance.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/1/20 Nik Curfman 10/1/20

A: Keep Fishing

Out of shear deference to His request, we turn back to the sea. We lower our nets unaware of what is happening. This isn’t about prizes or fish, it’s about God showing us He’s God. Faith isn’t a feeling or super power, it’s in the doing.

They struggled all night through the dark and frustration. How many times did they lower their nets only to pull them back empty? At what point did hope turn to doubt, and doubt to angst?

Isn’t life like that, full hopes vanish into empty nets?

With visions of a secure future, we lower our hopes into the deep. We know, without doubt, our prize is down there. And oh what a prize, the trophy meant to secure our future and settle our stature.

Once, twice, three times we pull the nets back, each turn a blow to out resolve. Our ego springs into action and buoys our sinking hope. We remind ourself ‘anything worth doing is hard’ and ‘and empty nets are part of the process.’

We shift out stance, change form, run the numbers in our minds, anything to justify our continued search for the elusive prize. Day churns into night, and the horizon to the East begins to lighten. Day is coming, and we are empty handed.

The new day brings only pain. They know we are out here, striving to find our reward. Public failure is the worst. It’s only human nature to back a winner, and we lost. The empty net is a failure resonating through out lives.

Even in this humiliation wisdom exists, when we let Him into the boat. Against our will, He asks for trust. Even more, He asks us- tired and weary- to go back out into the deep.

Here is the breaking point for most of us. When we are at our end, empty and exhausted, He asks for more, He asks us to have faith. It is a faith we don’t believe we have.

Soon, we behold the harvest only possible in His presence- nets full beyond our ability to contain them. And this is where we begin our tale.

From faith we find He has a purpose meant just for us. Whatever we were will inform the higher destiny of what we become.

Nik Curfman 9/3/20 Nik Curfman 9/3/20

A: From Safe into the Mystery

From the thin window in my tiny room I never quiet knew what lay beyond, but now I stood face to face with a thick, misty fog. And though I felt it beckon me onward, panic wrapped my heart.

In silence my dream vanished. The safety and hope of my glossy future disappeared like the make-believe it was, and I possessed nothing to bring it to life. I was empty-handed as ever.

Faithfully, I opened my eyes to reality, to my pathetic room in a sloppy old mansion. “Why had I settled here?” I wondered. The only sign of hope was the light which beamed through the thin window at the far corner of the room. The brightness covered the dark, but only where it could. Still, the glow was warm and invited me onward.

For a beat, I thought about going back to my dream, a return to the shelter of my fantasies. However, on this day, the light seemed too pure to ignore. And as I gazed upon it, I became aware of a sweet aroma leaking through the walls. In combination with the light, they were too much to spurn.

My courage rising, I reviewed what I knew about the bright light, sweet scent, and all Mystery beyond this broken place. In my youth I dared touch it. I dared to believe I could move beyond my need for dreams and comfort. I dared to join my place in Creation.

I gave my dreams one more consideration, how perfect they seemed. Then the reality of the tiny room began to speak. “Those dreams are not where you live, they are where you escape. How long will you hide in this room? Dreaming dreams, but never living life?”

“But Lord, what if I fail at being me?”

“Come with Me, and I will carry you into the future.”

After years of dreaming, the decision made itself. Slowly I swung my feet to the floor, and staggered through the door. My weary legs, acting on their own accord, led me down the hallway. On either side I saw tiny room after tiny room. Like my tiny room, no doors. Like mine, each one filled with a single person.

In some were people dreaming like me, forever focused on the future. Their smiling faces disconnected from their wretched decaying bodies.

On I went until I passed a respectable looking young woman, alone in her chair, facing the door. As I shuffled past, she yelled, “The fuck do you think you’re doing? There’s nothing out there. GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM!”

I didn’t stop to contemplate her words. I couldn’t. My mind was set to give my heart the breath it needed.

Near the end of the hall I heard the cries of those terrorized by the night. They begged for relief, yet when help came they rolled over to start again. Back to the horrors. Among the voices I heard her, the voice of my sister. I raced to her room. From the doorway I screamed, “Wake up!! JOIN ME!” Tears fell from my face, as I wailed in vain. She didn’t hear me. She couldn’t.

Sadly, I found the staircase leading away from this hall of pain. I stopped for a moment, a thousand miserable voices behind me. On cue the One small voice whispered, “Trust Me.”

Without delay, down the steps and onto the front porch I ran. The light was bright on my face, the scent of the outside air sweeter than ever. I shielded my eyes until they adjusted to the new. As they focused I stood in shock by what I saw.

From the thin window in my tiny room I never quite knew what lay beyond, but now I stood face to face with a thick, misty fog. And though I felt it beckon me onward, panic wrapped my heart.

“Lord, what is this? This isn’t a plan. Where do I go? What do I do?”

“Come into the mist. Grab my hand. Let Me lead.”

“Trust Me.”

“Lord, I’m afraid. I don’t know what to do.”

“Trust Me.”

And not wanting to go back, not to the tiny room, to the unfilled dreams, and hopeless hopes. I tripped forward. The sloppy fear at my back no longer dreaming, I marched into the unknown. Off the porch into the great Mystery I slipped, my hand in His.

Nik Curfman 8/4/20 Nik Curfman 8/4/20

Frustrated and Defensive, sucks

I can feel the waves of defiance cascading through my thoughts. I’m arguing with no one. She’s not here. But, no matter. I can fight an empty room just the same.

Today, I am letting myself feel the pain of rejection- real or imagined. It fucking sucks. I hate it. I hate the way I feel small and unworthy, as though nothing about me is acceptable. And I loathe how I turn into a dick, if only to myself.

Despite these very negative admissions…I’m letting this happen. My heart is full of hurts I left unsaid, and I’ve learned to let it out. Ignoring a thing makes the thing stronger. It’s like a child with annoying toy. Once they know you hate it, they never stop playing with it. I’ve got to recognize this suffering.

My heart HURTS. Lord…speak. Please.

“Nik, you know she didn’t intend to cause you pain or discomfort. You experienced a fraction of what she went through. She gave you everything she had, and ran out of herself.

I’m with her now.

And I’ve got you. I love you, and I’m proud of you.”

Lord,

I offer my wounds and my insecurities. I don’t need to defend or compare myself to anyone. I trust in you Lord, to give me purpose, hope, and joy. I believe in my great future, and see no lack in any area of my life. Thank you for sticking with me.

Amen.