Frustrated and Defensive, sucks

I can feel the waves of defiance cascading through my thoughts. I’m arguing with no one. She’s not here. But, no matter. I can fight an empty room just the same. 

Today, I am letting myself feel the pain of rejection- real or imagined. It fucking sucks. I hate it. I hate the way I feel small and unworthy, as though nothing about me is acceptable. And I loathe how I turn into a dick, if only to myself. 

Despite these very negative admissions…I’m letting this happen. My heart is full of hurts I left unsaid, and I’ve learned to let it out. Ignoring a thing makes the thing stronger. It’s like a child with annoying toy. Once they know you hate it, they never stop playing with it. I’ve got to recognize this suffering. 

My heart HURTS. Lord…speak. Please. 

“Nik, you know she didn’t intend to cause you pain or discomfort. You experienced a fraction of what she went through. She gave you everything she had, and ran out of herself. 

I’m with her now. 

And I’ve got you. I love you, and I’m proud of you.” 

Lord,

I offer my wounds and my insecurities. I don’t need to defend or compare myself to anyone. I trust in you Lord, to give me purpose, hope, and joy. I believe in my great future, and see no lack in any area of my life. Thank you for sticking with me.

Amen.