Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/24/22 Nik Curfman 6/24/22

Vol II: #85 Roe

I walked into the mostly empty Bethel prayer chapel this morning. The lone person inside was a gray-haired lady in hot pink pants. As I walked to take my seat she asked, “Did you hear the news?” I hadn’t. “The Supreme Court over turned Roe v Wade. I’ve waited for this day most of my life,” she answered as scooped up her belongings. Without another word and her head held high, she then strutted out the door and into the bright morning sun.

I walked into the mostly empty Bethel prayer chapel this morning. The lone person inside was a gray-haired lady in hot pink pants. As I walked to take my seat she asked, “Did you hear the news?” I hadn’t. “The Supreme Court over turned Roe v Wade. I’ve waited for this day most of my life,” she answered as she scooped up her belongings. Without another word and head held high, she strutted out the door and into the bright morning sun.

Due to the leaked draft early this year, I knew this day was coming, the day Roe vs Wade was overturned. Despite this knowledge I was unprepared for the news. I slunk into my chair and felt tears gather in my eyes. I thought about all the people who never got a chance to live and love and add their spark to this world. I thought about the people in my life who were born to teenage mothers- mothers encouraged to terminate their pregnancies. But, they didn’t. I thanked God for those women and their heroic choices.

Some time later, I remembered all the people who will hate this day. The enraged and angry. And, I have some thoughts on that. Being a pro-life person is about more than abortion. Pro-life includes how we treat the people we meet at the grocery store or in line for coffee. And, it absolutely includes our treatment of political opponents. So when my liberal friends texted me, to gauge my reaction to the Supreme Court ruling, I offered them compassion and did not gloat. Why? Because. That’s what love looks like. It’s what Jesus did and commanded. And, if I needed more instruction, I have King David:

Psalm 35:11-14

11 Malicious witnesses rise up;
They ask me of things that I do not know.
12 They repay me evil for good,
To the bereavement of my soul.
13 But as for me, when they were sick, my clothing was sackcloth;
I humbled my soul with fasting,
And my prayer kept returning to my bosom.
14 I went about as though it were my friend or brother;
I bowed down mourning, as one who sorrows for a mother.

(In the current political environment, compassion is seen as weakness. It isn’t. Compassion for our enemies is the heart of the Father. After all, our enemies are His kids too.)

Nik Curfman 7/23/21 Nik Curfman 7/23/21

Vol II: #7 DFL is my Friend

I love my friend, and I could care less about his politics. Relationships matter more than self-righteousness. Daniel doesn’t demand I agree with views, and I make such no request of him. Our bond goes beyond our thoughts on government. At the base of each of us is a heart for humanity and to live justly. Daniel adds a different perspective to my life, and I am richer for it.

On Sunday, I will drive down to Oakland for a pre-wedding party with my friend Daniel and his fiance, Rachel. (It might be a shower, but I don’t think gifts are expected.) Daniel and Rachel live on the left side of the political divide. The last time I visited the couple in May of 2020, they sat all the way across a large courtyard outside their apartment. Needless to say, they took quarantine as seriously as you would expect people who watch MSNBC. It will not shock you to know their wedding will be a Zoom wedding. It’s also the reason I was shocked to see an invite to the impromptu party. I thought they were too scared to plan such an event.

Despite the fear, I love Daniel. We share a love of food, culture, and art. He’s the one who introduced me to the best parts of San Francisco and has been a good friend to me since I met him seven years ago. He’s loyal and honest, and I trust him. Something I really love about Daniel is he loves Jesus with all his heart, and…he’s as liberal as one can be.

Where I grew up, one was not allowed to love Jesus and vote Democrat. I’ve literally heard preachers say as much from the stage. It’s wild to think as I grow older— preachers intentionally made politics a stumbling block for people. I get it. How can someone love Jesus and be pro-choice? I don’t have an answer, but I know they exist because of Daniel. (The answer is we are all imperfect. No one has perfect theology or doctrine. Heaven is stocked with people who loved to the best of their ability, not perfect theologians.) Besides, each of us believes something fake or untrue.

Nik Curfman 4/5/21 Nik Curfman 4/5/21

Abstract: A Gift For Both Of Us

Whoever falls in love with my heart,

The one who won’t let go,

She’ll enjoy the best me.

When I was a chubby child,

yearning to be loved,

I thought of Natalee.

She was the standard,

of beauty and brains.

Naturally, I did nothing with my crush of feelings,

I let her slip away.

I was ashamed of who I was,

my clothes,

And, my church.

Nothing about me was good enough for her,

A lie that dictated my life,

Far too long.

Then there was Mary,

Cathy,

Heather,

Faith,

Alison,

and some others.

Each one of them experienced the fake me,

The imposter,

Desperately trying to be anyone else.

To be confident, brash, strong,

Prepared, and wealthy.

Now, I’m a man,

still kinda chubby,

No crushes to endure at the moment.

But, my praise rises to heaven,

as I consider the hell I was saved from,

because I’m not yet married.

She would’ve married an insecure boy,

a loving person,

but an imposter nonetheless.

She would’ve had to endure his flops and anger,

his sudden changes and emotional outbursts,

his self-loathing insecurity.

God’s Grace,

no woman will have to endure or persevere,

The worst of me.

Whoever falls in love with my heart,

The one who won’t let go,

She’ll enjoy the best me.

A gift to us both.

Nik Curfman 4/3/21 Nik Curfman 4/3/21

Abstract: Your No

My yes was real,

it was eternal,

and committed.

So is your no.

Nik Curfman 11/12/20 Nik Curfman 11/12/20

Daily Journal: #116 Back to the Start

I experience no shame for having fallen into an old pattern, on the contrary I am grateful it was exposed. I didn’t spend months or even years trying to fix myself. The distance between one step and the next shrunk as a result. I am moving forward without regret or humiliation.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
The Scientist by Coldplay

This morning felt like I went back to the start with God, to my place of nakedness and honesty. It’s where I want to be. I want to stay in a place of hope and humility. I want to be bold in sharing my life with Him, and I want to listen in return. This is a real relationship, not a formula or duty.

Going Back to the Start?

What does it mean to back to the start? It means I stop trying to fix myself, and I am willing to sit like a child at His feet. It means I hand Him my fears and disappointment rather than hide them. Lately, instead of inviting the Lord in the difficult spaces of my life, I tried to become my own counselor. I tried to put myself on the couch and talk myself through the issues.

Lately, I’m frustrated with my actions. I’ve watched too much TV, painted too little, struggle to get my ten thousand steps in, and I’m not reading as much scripture as I was. I judge myself as having some sort of undefined issue in need of a remedy. Naturally, I hide. I don’t confess my sadness or anxiety. Then my heart starts to suffer as it feels heavy and sluggish. The more I deny the Lord His place in my heart, the stronger the pain grows and the accusations start to overwhelm my mind.

But let’s look at reality:

I deny or refuse to admit what feelings and thoughts trouble me.
Instead of going to the Doctor, I attempt to heal myself.
I begin to look at external behavior for validation.
External behavior will never soothe my heart or mind.
I try harder or give up.

God Bless 2020

The pattern above was my way of life for most of walk with Jesus, but thank God for 2020. Yes, I spent the last month or so battling self-pity and tried to bury it. But, I also kept showing up to walk with the Lord. Sometimes it wasn’t pretty, and my mind focused on random thoughts or people. I don’t think the Lord cared. He loves my effort and my heart. He kept showing up too regardless of how I felt.

In the early morning today, I found my way back to the naked place before Him. In this Garden, no condemnation or self-hatred exists. I see clearly my growth in the Good Soil. I experience no shame for having fallen into an old pattern, on the contrary I am grateful it was exposed. I didn’t spend months or even years trying to fix myself. The distance between one step and the next shrunk as a result. I am moving forward without regret or humiliation.

Matthew 6:33 really is the Bread of life for 2020. Seek Him everyday. The rest of life will arrange itself. It’s a promise from Jesus, so it’s gotta be true. My testament to this promise is the increase of grace, love, and peace for and toward myself. The amazing side-effect is the more grace and love I find for myself, the more I find for others. It’s a self-watering tree of God-given glory.

Physical healings are great; however, the ability to overcome myself and my fears is a miracle too.

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Nik Curfman 11/10/20 Nik Curfman 11/10/20

Daily Journal: #114 That. Did not. Go. Well.

Oh…what’s the solution? Yeah. I’m not sure. Pray? Stay hopeful my sister will begin to understand how she hurts people? Stand my ground? I don’t know. What I do believe is I am doing my best. I agonized over enforcing my boundaries with her, but I knew I had to do it. If I give her an inch, she’ll take that mile. Then, I’ve got a bigger problem.

My sister and I do not get along well. This was not always the case. We were rivals into high school, then we became best friends for a few years. She bought me clothes from J Crew, and we took ski trips to West Virginia. I’d sneak into bars in Five Points just to have a beer with her. Then I moved away to go to college. Within a few weeks she started dating a man (the first of many douches), and that was that.

Our relationship began to deteriorate the very day I moved away, though none of us knew it. And as I said at the start of this post, our relationship is an ornery shadow of what it was. I think we both hold onto to what was. We hope for some kind of revival, and I’m not sure it’s possible.

What’s the Issue?

My sister and I couldn’t be more different than we are. She’s loud, lacks self-awareness, and loves being the center of attention. She dives into whatever she deems worthy of her time and effort. And, she is the quintessential evangelist/salesperson. I can be loud, but I prefer small interpersonal interactions. I’m constantly aware of myself- too aware. I loath sales and could careless about being an evangelist.

More than personality differences, we stand on opposite sides of what it means to love the person across from you. I believe in boundaries, honor, and apologies. My sister, at least from her words and actions, does not believe in such behavior. She is the only person in my life I must remind of the boundaries. The. Only. One.

The Cycle

For the last ten years, my sister and I have engaged in a consistent pattern of behavior. It usually goes something like this:

Pleasant conversation - > boundary violation - > reinforcement of boundary - > disagreement/argument - > long silence - > Pleasant conversation….

This last blow up was, by our standards, mild. We didn’t cuss each other out or lob verbal grenades at each other. We simply disagreed on what respect and honor look like. And now we are onto another period of long silence. At this point, I’m ok with it. Most of our conversations revolve around her life and whatever crisis she is in. I’m not missing much. “Oh really? Your life sucks? Aw. (Repeat.)”

I rarely tell her about my life, and at this point I don’t care what she knows. When I get married, I doubt I’ll invite her. Why would I? Obligation is not my thing. When I get married, I want to have a party with people who have my back and truly love me. I don’t want to spend one second wondering if a guest is going to act like a fool.

What’s The Solution

Yesterday I prayed my frustrations to the Lord, “Lord, I don’t care if we ever get along.” This was, of course, a lie. I was hurt, because deep in my heart I absolutely want a healthy relationship with my sister. I don’t see how it’s possible. I want to give up on her. It feels hopeless.

The Lord challenged me, “Stop saying you don’t care about your sister when you know you do.” Ok, God. Good point. But, I feel like shit. If I am a good person, shouldn’t I have a good relationship with my sister? Make all the right relationship choices with each person I know?

Yeah…this is a lot bigger than a brother/sister relationship.

As the argument ensued with my sister, I heard the voices, “You say you love people, but look how you treat your sister.” So I argued back, “I will not violate myself for my sister, a relationship with her should not mean I have to live in fear of her wrath. I shouldn’t have to listen to her complain and belittle other people.”

I know I’m right. I know people who have and maintain boundaries often look selfish to people without them. They can’t understand limits. After all, doesn’t love “hope all things, believe all things, etc?” Yes it does. And because love hopes and believes, it knows healthy boundaries are real, not control.

My Prayer

Lord, I believe You have a path for anyone willing to walk and climb and never give up. So, I don’t know how, but I believe a healthy relationship with my sister is possible. Show me my error, how I can love her more. But also, how do I love and honor myself.

I trust You Jesus. Thank you.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/28/20 Nik Curfman 10/28/20

Abstraction: What I Deny Myself

I deny myself the touch I most long to feel, because I assume He feels the same way about me as I do.

Thankfully, He does not.

No judgement I may level or feeling I feel is as real as His love for me.

Once, twice, and a third loop I made around the dusty gravel parking lot.

Out of habit I continued to march, and search without aim for an answer.

Between the low hum of the highway beyond the road and the crunch of gravel below, I mumbled a tired prayer.

Then my thoughts turned dark, as the day began to fade behind mountains and her friends.

I felt cut off from the One I long to love, and my heart burdened by sorrow.

This seemed to be the perfect setting for my state of being.

Though surrounded by beauty, I am featureless and gray, tinged with sad regret. My highest purpose is to be used by others when they need me.

My life reduced to the tasks I complete and the promises I keep, “What am I worth?” I wonder.

He answered softly, “I am always in you. It is you who judges you and dismisses Me.”

“When you deny your worth, you punish yourself. And we suffer the disconnect you imagine now.”

“But I am still, and always, here with you.”

For the first time, I looked up.

The stars now awake, began to light their lamps for the evening show. The grief of the day replaced by the splendor of a starry night sky.

This is why I show up to dusty parking lots on the backside of nowhere.

To find my way back to Him, through the pain and self-pity, until my hand is holding His.

Whatever distance I sense is the punishment I inflict when I feel I am not worthy.

I deny myself the touch I most long to feel, because I assume He feels the same way about me as I do.

Thankfully, He does not.

No judgement I may level or feeling I feel is as real as His love for me.

As an ancient poetically once wrote:

“I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God.”

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/27/20 Nik Curfman 10/27/20

Daily Journal: #100(!) What Friendship Is

Yes. I’m comparing myself to Jesus. I want to be like Him, and that includes loving people when they aren’t being their best selves, when they hide and punish their hearts, and when they desert me. It’s called love, and I will be patient.

Let’s begin my stating early, friendship is a continuum. The continuum ranges and changes as we grow as people and experience life. I’m not sage when I say this. It is science, and nearly intuitive. When we are young we choose friend because- I like red trucks and you like red trucks, so let’s be friends. A bit older still we choose friends based on a common goals or beliefs- I am a Clemson Tiger, you are a Clemson Tiger, we should be friend. Strong friendships, those that last, tend to form out of shared experience- when character is tested.

It appears as though the older we grow, the more discriminate we become. I know I have, and yet not. For 15-20 years, I was particularly picky about who I let into “my inner circle.” I looked for people of depth and compassion. But really, the two defining characteristics they all held were: they praised me, and could handle me at my worst. Basically, they did not think I was a piece of shit.

What I’ve Learned

Three years ago the Lord challenged me to stop being picky about my friendships. He said I did not need to have the same depth and closeness with each person I deemed worthy of me. I didn’t know it then, but this little commandment was the beginning of a dramatic shift in my life. As I allowed some friendships to hang out in the shallow end of the spectrum and others to ebb and flow beyond my control, I began to decrease my need for and dependence on affirmation.

The reason this is important is because I lived off the affirmation of other people. I needed my friends to tell me what career to choose or introduce me to new people. Most importantly, I needed my friends to constantly build me up, to praise me. I did not believe in me, and so the words of others meant everything to my broken heart.

Fast forward to 2020, and some of the final chains of insecurity finally broke from my heart and mind. I started to affirm myself and believe in my own awesomeness. Almost over night friends are no longer what I need, but those I get to love.

I first noticed this shift in my heart in early August. While at a party a few friends complimented my weight loss. I was stunned by my internal response. Politely I gave them a smile-filled thank you, but inside it meant nothing. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate their kind words, I just didn’t need it. I am eating well and losing weight for me, not them.

I want to remain humble at all times, so I don’t intend to be arrogant when I say I didn’t need their kind words. What I mean to say is now that I do not seek the affirmation of others, it seems odd when I receive it. Regardless, I no longer burden my friendships with my need for love and acceptance. It is a freedom we all need.

This new freedom enables me to be in the moment, rather than judging the moment. It also allows me to take each friendship at its own pace. The lack of expectation is a real blessing. I don’t feel entitled to anything and therefore feel nothing but gratitude when someone reaches out to say hello or invites me over for dinner.

Most importantly, I no longer see the faults in others as slight toward me. Every single relationship as an arc based on the mental, emotional, and spiritual reality of the people in them. Each person contributes something to a friendship. I now know and have confidence in what I bring to each person I love. And, I do not take personal responsibility for anyone’s flaws. Those flaws are not mine to carry or fix. (But, I am willing to walk with anyone willing to face their bullshit.)

Lingering Frustration

It’s a lie to think I’ve got it all figured out. I do not. I’d love to be the ant in the carpet to listen to my roommate talk candidly about his experience of me. The things is, I can’t correct what I don’t know is broken. The best I can do is create an atmosphere of empathy and honest communication.

My current frustrations center around wanting to save people from immature and self-destructive decisions. I wish I could download my experience and wisdom into the hearts and brains of some of these friends. They’d realize they don’t have to delay joy or live in a state of victimhood. I’m sure many people thought similar thoughts when they watched me walk into traps and deserts.

It’s tough to watch our friends live beneath what’s within their grasp. It’s like choosing to eat garbage in the back alley when everything in the restaurant is delicious and free. It is in this moment, full of frustration, I find my highest calling as a friend- to endure and persist as others grow and mature. Jesus did it for His disciples. Why can’t I?

(Most of my friendships are rock solid. I am blessed to know some of the best people on Earth, and I’m human. I still battle, at times, my tendency to see what isn’t going well. I feel like I look for reasons to tear myself down. In these moments, I do things like focus on suffering friendships. I’m working on it.)

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Nik Curfman 9/11/20 Nik Curfman 9/11/20

DJ: #59 A “Serious” God

The most elusive gift of God in my life has always been joy. As with a few other aspects of my life, I thought I had to manufacture it on my own. It’s stupid to think about as I type it. Who makes their own gifts?

For a while now, when I meditate I see mist. Better explained, I am beckoned into it. It’s probably more like a fog-mist composite. (Fog is dense mist.) The point is I can’t see where I’m going. I can’t see the ground. And I have to trust the Lord, where ever it is we go. All the while, my brain begs for a destination or a goal, and my feet want for the security of feeling stable ground beneath them.

As I reflect on what the challenge is in that place, it’s not fear. Correspondingly, there is not anger or shame, or sadness. I may take some of those emotions into the fog, but I never leave with them. My issue is the purpose of the fog. Even I write this words, my mind is flipping over possible answers. What is this time and place about? Inherent in my admission is a probable answer.

But, what if the fog is of no great purpose? No. That’s false. This is not an exercise intended to break me down and turn me into a mindless drone. I’m not a toy. By simply committing to follow the Lord in the mystery, I am establishing deeper trust and relationship.

Perhaps the purpose is the fog. It’s a place to breath and focus on being.

Yesterday, I wandered into it with my head down. I can tend to be overly focused on the goals and accomplishment, and my morning walks are on hold as fire blankets northern California with smoke and ash. (Instead of bemoaning how the fires are f-cking with my routines, I choose to adapt. I won’t make excuses.) Once in the mist, I heard the Voice tell me to run, a normal thing this week. So, with no direction or goal, I started running. In the fog. Not my favorite activity.

After a few seconds a Being ran up beside me, and it began to run in the most hilarious style of running I’ve ever seen. Its arms flailed and legs flared. She* laughed the entire time. It was perfect. I started laughing too. “What exactly is happening in my life?” I thought. And the Lord immediately answered, “There is joy here too. Fun in the fog. If it ain’t here, it ain’t Me.” At this I began to cry for what is life without unearned joy and laughter?

This morning I am still alternating laughs with tears, overwhelmed by the goodness of God. He is not the humorless mob boss sitting in the corner, stroking His mustache. He’s the goofy, big-eared kid who doesn’t give a flying-f-ck what anyone else thinks about Him, the Eternal Optimist, the Forever Patient, the Always Kind, the Giver of the Best Gifts, the Relentless Hunter.

The Comic. The Jokester. The Creator of Comedy and Infinite Joy.

For any of it- peace, love, joy, hope, faith, righteousness, justice, self-control, patience, humility, endurance- to drive us to the greatest depth of Him…it all has to work. It is fine to focus on one of these at a time, but when we develop our sense of justice without joy, we become slaves to the law. When we focus on peace without faith, we become doormats to those around us. When we focus on love without endurance, we set ourselves up as a cruel judge of others. And endurance without hope tortures the heart.

I’m so glad and happy to know God is who He says He is.

Lord God of Humor and Grace,

Thank you. Thank you for being so awesome. Thank you answering my prayers to know You in greater ways. Thank you for giving me a place to grow and be imperfect. I love you. I love our life together.

Amen.

*I wrote she, because the Being was the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is feminine in my experience.

Nik Curfman 9/10/20 Nik Curfman 9/10/20

A: Love Reveals Purpose

Day after day, I slogged my way back to the table. Night after night, I meditated on whether I should return. Having traveled enough roads, and sat at many tables, I knew I didn’t have the heart to win this game.

I once wondered blind, straining to hear kind voices.

My hands cut off and eyes removed, my only option was to follow the direction of the voices down one empty road and up another. I dragged my heart behind me, refusing to touch it. It was ugly. Dust and muck and crusty memories clung to me. On I marched, in search of rest from my filthy condition.

My hopes stood on the shoulders of the voices. Oh what sweet voices they were. Warm, encouraging, well-intentioned voices. And they belonged to warm, encouraging, well- intentioned men and women. Giving people. Compassionate people. Yet every map they gave and every encouragement made led to the another dead end.

I hold not a sin against them for their efforts. I asked and they answered as well as their wisdom allowed.

Eventually my search took me beyond secure into risk. The wisdom in this venture was not in the doing but in the being. As I sat at this table, crippled as always, I found no solace or purpose, my heart tucked up under my chair. The longer I sat at the table the more I battled to remain. In my mind I played a game. Should I win this game, then, and only then, might I have the chance to rest. To heal. To be me. No. I had to stay glued to my seat. I had to win this game.

Late one evening, I found myself looking into a mirror, drawn by the One who is the mirror. Obvious for the first time to me then, as it may be to you, is I indeed have eyes. And hands. And my heart is where it need be, in my chest. The layers of grime and shame gone. What was this? A trick? All of my life was, until that moment, a series of failed journeys and disappointment.

Then the Mirror began to speak. Having nothing left and no where to go, I listened.

“I love you. I am in love with you. And I command you to love you as I love you. Look at yourself through my eyes- not broken or used up. You are beautiful and strong. Brave and creative. Relax. Let your feet follow me, and I will give you the Peace and Joy you want.”

All the voices faded into silence as I carefully considered the Lord’s offer. I studied the choices in my head. The streets I traveled, I knew. I knew their promises and the danger in believing in such promises, and the tables they led to. What the God of Love and Grace offered me was a chance to be me, to cut my own path.

So here I sit, powered by love, chopping my way through another day. I no longer walk the paved roads of another’s calling. I no longer listen to the kind voices of my friends. Through love and devotion, I found my way. My beautiful heart is finally at peace.

Nik Curfman 9/8/20 Nik Curfman 9/8/20

A: Not Every Day is a Winner

The title of this poem is a lie. I’m not conceding shit to my enemy. More importantly, I am choosing to allow Jesus to be the Prince of Peace, the author of my Life, and holder of my soul. I am not my own. I am His. And I am worth the victory.

I sat down to write about how today, this Tuesday in early September, isn’t going my way.

My brain is obsessed with situations I can’t affect, a customer is nervous about her campaign results, a friend has cancer. In truth, this is an ordinary day. I am strong, healthy, loved, appreciated, and lavished with opportunity. What possess me to look and greive today?

And people say evil doesn’t exist. But it does. It does when a man has every blessing yet can’t find peace. Yes. Evil is real. Its only goal to separate us from Him.

JESUS, thank you for my life. Thank you for loving me, even when I'm stuck being a twat. Even when I focused on me, you never fail. In fact I suppose you laugh, as I chase my tail. My troubles not trivial but momentary.

I lay down every desire and hope, every dream and fantasy, every source of security and joy. For You are all of those things, and inside my striving is nothing but more struggle and death. And I am no boy.

The title of this poem is a lie. I’m not conceding shit to my enemy. More importantly, I am choosing to allow Jesus to be the Prince of Peace, the author of my Life, and holder of my soul. I am not my own. I am His. And I am worth the victory.

Nik Curfman 9/2/20 Nik Curfman 9/2/20

DJ: #50 A New Routine

I haven’t failed, and my life isn’t tied to the moment. This simple change in perspective is powerful. I’m not angry or worried about my future. I’m not worried about the client, partially because I know everything and everyone is going to be OK. My future doesn’t hinge on a single event.

This morning I woke up to an email from a client. An ad I created for their business was rejected by Facebook for violating the “Personal Attribute Policy.” After nearly an hour of wrangling, the ad is still in review as of this post. Facebook has tightened their controls to a ridiculous degree, and it is affecting small businesses. They are literally dictating the wording I use…for a local gardening business. A garden business. People trying to help the community get the most out of their home gardens.

Stupid.

I was annoyed. I’m just a man trying to help his clients grow and create business. And, like it or not, Facebook has become an integral part of small business growth. I don’t like it. Facebook can make decisions, like a government, and the rest of us have to adjust. It is what is.

I say I was annoyed, because after wrestling with the beast, I chose a different path. I got up, walked outside, and let my frustration out into the wind. The wind can have it. I don’t need or want it. I can’t control Facebook, and I’m doing the best I can. It is what it is. No need to carry it around all day.

In the past, I was tripped and defeated by moments like this. A tiny hurdle could send me into a spiral of self-doubt. Not today Satan.

Thank you Lord for sticking with me. For teaching me to let go. Thank you for giving me vision for how to love myself when the winds howl in my face. Even to giggle at their failure.