Daily Journal: #114 That. Did not. Go. Well.

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

My sister and I do not get along well. This was not always the case. We were rivals into high school, then we became best friends for a few years. She bought me clothes from J Crew, and we took ski trips to West Virginia. I’d sneak into bars in Five Points just to have a beer with her. Then I moved away to go to college. Within a few weeks she started dating a man (the first of many douches), and that was that.

Our relationship began to deteriorate the very day I moved away, though none of us knew it. And as I said at the start of this post, our relationship is an ornery shadow of what it was. I think we both hold onto to what was. We hope for some kind of revival, and I’m not sure it’s possible.

What’s the Issue?

My sister and I couldn’t be more different than we are. She’s loud, lacks self-awareness, and loves being the center of attention. She dives into whatever she deems worthy of her time and effort. And, she is the quintessential evangelist/salesperson. I can be loud, but I prefer small interpersonal interactions. I’m constantly aware of myself- too aware. I loath sales and could careless about being an evangelist.

More than personality differences, we stand on opposite sides of what it means to love the person across from you. I believe in boundaries, honor, and apologies. My sister, at least from her words and actions, does not believe in such behavior. She is the only person in my life I must remind of the boundaries. The. Only. One.

The Cycle

For the last ten years, my sister and I have engaged in a consistent pattern of behavior. It usually goes something like this:

Pleasant conversation - > boundary violation - > reinforcement of boundary - > disagreement/argument - > long silence - > Pleasant conversation….

This last blow up was, by our standards, mild. We didn’t cuss each other out or lob verbal grenades at each other. We simply disagreed on what respect and honor look like. And now we are onto another period of long silence. At this point, I’m ok with it. Most of our conversations revolve around her life and whatever crisis she is in. I’m not missing much. “Oh really? Your life sucks? Aw. (Repeat.)”

I rarely tell her about my life, and at this point I don’t care what she knows. When I get married, I doubt I’ll invite her. Why would I? Obligation is not my thing. When I get married, I want to have a party with people who have my back and truly love me. I don’t want to spend one second wondering if a guest is going to act like a fool.

What’s The Solution

Yesterday I prayed my frustrations to the Lord, “Lord, I don’t care if we ever get along.” This was, of course, a lie. I was hurt, because deep in my heart I absolutely want a healthy relationship with my sister. I don’t see how it’s possible. I want to give up on her. It feels hopeless.

The Lord challenged me, “Stop saying you don’t care about your sister when you know you do.” Ok, God. Good point. But, I feel like shit. If I am a good person, shouldn’t I have a good relationship with my sister? Make all the right relationship choices with each person I know?

Yeah…this is a lot bigger than a brother/sister relationship.

As the argument ensued with my sister, I heard the voices, “You say you love people, but look how you treat your sister.” So I argued back, “I will not violate myself for my sister, a relationship with her should not mean I have to live in fear of her wrath. I shouldn’t have to listen to her complain and belittle other people.”

I know I’m right. I know people who have and maintain boundaries often look selfish to people without them. They can’t understand limits. After all, doesn’t love “hope all things, believe all things, etc?” Yes it does. And because love hopes and believes, it knows healthy boundaries are real, not control.

Oh…what’s the solution? Yeah. I’m not sure. Pray? Stay hopeful my sister will begin to understand how she hurts people? Stand my ground? I don’t know. What I do believe is I am doing my best. I agonized over enforcing my boundaries with her, but I knew I had to do it. If I give her an inch, she’ll take that mile. Then, I’ve got a bigger problem.

My Prayer

Lord, I believe You have a path for anyone willing to walk and climb and never give up. So, I don’t know how, but I believe a healthy relationship with my sister is possible. Show me my error, how I can love her more. But also, how do I love and honor myself.

I trust You Jesus. Thank you.

Amen.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.


LINKS

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
Previous

Daily Journal: #115 Crying to Laugh

Next

Daily Journal: #113 Long Fruitful Day, Short on Words