Walk in the Woods

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Daily Journal: #114 That. Did not. Go. Well.

Oh…what’s the solution? Yeah. I’m not sure. Pray? Stay hopeful my sister will begin to understand how she hurts people? Stand my ground? I don’t know. What I do believe is I am doing my best. I agonized over enforcing my boundaries with her, but I knew I had to do it. If I give her an inch, she’ll take that mile. Then, I’ve got a bigger problem.

My sister and I do not get along well. This was not always the case. We were rivals into high school, then we became best friends for a few years. She bought me clothes from J Crew, and we took ski trips to West Virginia. I’d sneak into bars in Five Points just to have a beer with her. Then I moved away to go to college. Within a few weeks she started dating a man (the first of many douches), and that was that.

Our relationship began to deteriorate the very day I moved away, though none of us knew it. And as I said at the start of this post, our relationship is an ornery shadow of what it was. I think we both hold onto to what was. We hope for some kind of revival, and I’m not sure it’s possible.

What’s the Issue?

My sister and I couldn’t be more different than we are. She’s loud, lacks self-awareness, and loves being the center of attention. She dives into whatever she deems worthy of her time and effort. And, she is the quintessential evangelist/salesperson. I can be loud, but I prefer small interpersonal interactions. I’m constantly aware of myself- too aware. I loath sales and could careless about being an evangelist.

More than personality differences, we stand on opposite sides of what it means to love the person across from you. I believe in boundaries, honor, and apologies. My sister, at least from her words and actions, does not believe in such behavior. She is the only person in my life I must remind of the boundaries. The. Only. One.

The Cycle

For the last ten years, my sister and I have engaged in a consistent pattern of behavior. It usually goes something like this:

Pleasant conversation - > boundary violation - > reinforcement of boundary - > disagreement/argument - > long silence - > Pleasant conversation….

This last blow up was, by our standards, mild. We didn’t cuss each other out or lob verbal grenades at each other. We simply disagreed on what respect and honor look like. And now we are onto another period of long silence. At this point, I’m ok with it. Most of our conversations revolve around her life and whatever crisis she is in. I’m not missing much. “Oh really? Your life sucks? Aw. (Repeat.)”

I rarely tell her about my life, and at this point I don’t care what she knows. When I get married, I doubt I’ll invite her. Why would I? Obligation is not my thing. When I get married, I want to have a party with people who have my back and truly love me. I don’t want to spend one second wondering if a guest is going to act like a fool.

What’s The Solution

Yesterday I prayed my frustrations to the Lord, “Lord, I don’t care if we ever get along.” This was, of course, a lie. I was hurt, because deep in my heart I absolutely want a healthy relationship with my sister. I don’t see how it’s possible. I want to give up on her. It feels hopeless.

The Lord challenged me, “Stop saying you don’t care about your sister when you know you do.” Ok, God. Good point. But, I feel like shit. If I am a good person, shouldn’t I have a good relationship with my sister? Make all the right relationship choices with each person I know?

Yeah…this is a lot bigger than a brother/sister relationship.

As the argument ensued with my sister, I heard the voices, “You say you love people, but look how you treat your sister.” So I argued back, “I will not violate myself for my sister, a relationship with her should not mean I have to live in fear of her wrath. I shouldn’t have to listen to her complain and belittle other people.”

I know I’m right. I know people who have and maintain boundaries often look selfish to people without them. They can’t understand limits. After all, doesn’t love “hope all things, believe all things, etc?” Yes it does. And because love hopes and believes, it knows healthy boundaries are real, not control.

Oh…what’s the solution? Yeah. I’m not sure. Pray? Stay hopeful my sister will begin to understand how she hurts people? Stand my ground? I don’t know. What I do believe is I am doing my best. I agonized over enforcing my boundaries with her, but I knew I had to do it. If I give her an inch, she’ll take that mile. Then, I’ve got a bigger problem.

My Prayer

Lord, I believe You have a path for anyone willing to walk and climb and never give up. So, I don’t know how, but I believe a healthy relationship with my sister is possible. Show me my error, how I can love her more. But also, how do I love and honor myself.

I trust You Jesus. Thank you.

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #111 Holding the Line

I want to maintain my friendships in a healthy, loving way. I embrace the ideas some of the dynamics were broken and need to be repaired. It takes two people to make any relationship work, and I believe the people on the other side want the same.

I was challenged this week with a few situations I’d rather avoid. The election and the ensuing hysteria is one, and maintaining boundaries is the other. Elections happen, and the hype is momentary. Finding ways to love family and friends while I love/respect myself, I find to be much tougher.

Twice this week I faced a moment to assert myself and possibly disappoint the person on the other end. Today, I went for a walk to pray through once of these situations. I felt like an asshole, as though I’m being selfish. What is my boundary? I’m asking someone I love to stop talking trash about another person I love. When I see it in words on my laptop screen, I know I’m doing the right thing.

It isn’t love to tolerate the complaints and dishonor of one human toward another.

What My Worries Are

The most obvious flaw of my feelings are I must accept the and listen to someone when they trash others. My concern is if I am vocal, and enforce a boundary of honor, I will be accused of being selfish or manipulative. It’s not true. Again, when I see the words on screen, it’s very apparently. I’m doing the right thing. I am not called to embrace the offense and resentment of others.

I want to walk and sit with people in their low moments. Friendship and love is, in part, how we embrace the struggles of our loved ones. But when someone wants to bitch and complain, and be a victim? No. That’s something else.

Still, isn’t love patient, kind, and long-suffering? What does love looks like in what I’m facing? I know I don’t have to tolerate the willful resentment someone carries, but I do not want to shame and push them away. I’m not sure what the answer is.

What I Believe

I don’t have a concrete answer of how to navigate this season of my life. What I choose to believe is I can navigate this stickiness. I’m not sure what the answers will be, I just have faith they exist. (I am probably other thinking it.) Regardless, my heart is to honor everyone involved. And I trust the Lord to give me wisdom and grace. I will not crucify myself as I know I’m doing my best.

I want to maintain my friendships in a healthy, loving way. I embrace the ideas some of the dynamics were broken and need to be repaired. It takes two people to make any relationship work, and I believe the people on the other side want the same.

My Prayer

Lord…help. I want to love myself and my friends. I lay my desires and burdens at Your feet. I accept Your peace and grace. I know I will find the loving solutions. Showers my friends with Your Love and Wisdom. Thank you Jesus.

Amen.

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Daily Journal: #105 Picking the Right Words

I do not want to argue with my friend or combat her cynical perspective on life. So what do I do? Become a repository of her bullshit? I’ve done that for nearly twenty years. The data says, listening to someone bitch and complain about their life will only encourage them to bitch and complain.

2020. What a year for me, and it ain’t over. Today, and quite unexpectedly, an old friend texted me with a big question, “Why did you go silent?” It’s not the kind of question she asks. She prefers to avoid hard conversations. Our friendship is nearly twenty years old, and we’ve managed to escape direct conflict. Real friends, in my view, have hard interpersonal discussions. These exchanges typically erode or built a friendship. I see the lack of honest, vulnerable talks as a problem. I’m not sure we are strong enough to handle a difficult exchange.

What’s The Issue

I know what the issues are for me. I battle posting the details on the internet. The most polite and vague, if not tired, way to express the problem is “we’ve grown apart.” Twenty years ago we went to ministry school together. We shared common beliefs, experiences, and goals. My guess is she thought she would marry a pastor type, have kids, and wait to die. I’m not sure what I wanted or expected at age 21. (It was a rough time in my life.)

I’m 100% positive life did not go according to plan for either of us. She is still single and waiting to die alone. Every day, month, and year that passes, she seems a little more distant from the person full of dreams and hope. She acts resigned to a fate she cannot change. And, she desperately wants to be saved.

I don’t pass judgment on her for falling into hopelessness or despair. Self-pity once dominated my life, and I expected a miracle to dramatically change my reality. I saw myself as a mutant, as less than human. I looked for justification to avoid growth and humiliation.

What I cannot do, what I will not do, is indulge her self-pity and fear. Over the last three years, I intentionally tried to encourage her to pursue passions in her heart and new ways to date- apps, online services, blind dates, etc. On nearly every occasion, she finds the crack or flaw, her rationale to avoid pain.

The last few years, this dear friend has become increasingly argumentative and judgmental. She often complains about her job, clients, friends, and her church. I can’t remember the last time she expressed gratitude or optimism about anything in her life. I have a hard time watching someone become a shadow of who they were.

Like I said, I don’t know how to talk to her any more. I want to be a person of gratitude and faith regardless of circumstance. I want to be a person of love. I do not want to argue with my friend or combat her cynical perspective on life. So what do I do? Become a repository of her bullshit? I’ve done that for nearly twenty years. The data says, listening to someone bitch and complain about their life will only encourage them to bitch and complain.

Searching For The Answer

As of this writing, I do not know how I will respond to the question I was asked (why did you go silent?) I’m called to love people, and I believe I’m allowed to have boundaries. So, I’m not sure what love looks like in this scenario. She’s my friend, not my employee or my boss. I don’t know what my responsibility is toward her. Love is very patient. It is kind and long-suffering.

I think I need to lay out a new vision for our friendship, one built on encouragement and hope. It might be my best bet- to pitch an idea of what’s possible rather than hand her a scorecard of all the ways she’s falling short. I think she knows she’s in a hole. Most people know when they are in the pits and longing to be free. I don’t need to describe the walls of her personal hell.

Lord, help. I love my friend, and I think it’s time to say no more cynicism or sarcasm. Your will be done, more than anything.

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