Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/24/22 Nik Curfman 4/24/22

Vol II: #65 My Favorite Moments (Final Bethel Thoughts 3/3)

I don’t know which of these relationships will turn into lifelong friendships. How could I? Every friendship must endure silences, distance, and misunderstandings. My hope is to be able to maintain 2-3 friendships from time at BSSM. Anything more will be a bonus. Regardless of the outcome, the people I met are amazing and I’m blessed to have met them, to walk with them, and know their stories. God is Good.

My favorite part of any endeavor is always going to be the new people I meet. BSSM was no different.

I knew Bethel had a strong international presence but I got to experience it in person. My class has people from Canada, Mexico, El Salvador, Guatemala, Panama, Colombia, Venezuela, Brazil, Ecuador, Peru, Chile, Argentina, England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, France, Netherlands, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Austria, Poland, Romania, Bulgaria. Russia, Ukraine, India, Nepal, Pakistan, China, Taiwan, Singapore, Indonesia, Malaysia, Zimbabwe, South Africa, Spain, New Zealand, Australia, Hong Kong, Sweden, Norway, Finland, and more I don’t know. My public university wasn’t this diverse.

What I find most admirable and encouraging is the faith these international students exhibit on a daily basis. None of them have permission to work because BSSM is not an accredited school according the US Government. Therefore, all of these people spend the entire year living on faith, often with limited funds and no transportation. Despite all the obstacles- costs, regulations, paperwork, etc- they persist.

Of course, I enjoy the opportunity to know these lovely people. I love their stories and what their BSSM experience is. Each of them have a unique take on Bethel and America i.e. Bethel is very encouraging to them but why is our healthcare so expensive? And, they have to overcome subtle hurdles I do not. For example, most of these students do not understand the cultural references made by our very American baby-boomer leaders. I had to explain what Star Trek and Dr. Spock when Kris Vallaton said “don’t be like Spock.” (Heck, most of the Gen Z Americans in their late teens didn’t get the reference either.)

In the same vein of meeting new people, my assigned mentor- Jonathon- was amazing. He was my shelter and guide through the year. Regardless of how angry or hurt I was, he constantly pointed me toward the Holy Spirit and never made me feel like an ass. Just as useful, Jonathan and I could talk about almost anything. I went into BSSM with low expectations for my mentor- due to what I heard from previous graduate- but JP was the opposite. The Lord is good and Jonathon was one of His gifts for me.

Nik Curfman 8/25/21 Nik Curfman 8/25/21

Vol II: #20 Love and Friendship Are Not The Same

A couple of summers ago, I asked a pretty lady on a date. She, kindly and directly, said no to my face. Sure, I was disappointed, but I moved on. I appreciated her reply even though it’s not what I wanted. I hope Mr. Will sees my response for friendship similarly. I didn’t waste my time going to lunch with a man I dislike. I didn’t avoid him or passively string him along, and I honored myself.

I can be a bit of an odd duck. Most people don’t tell others, “I don’t want to be your friend,” but I do. Today, I told a grown-ass man, “you're not my cup of tea,” after he extended an invitation to lunch. Mr. Will* is probably a good dad and husband. He’s successful in his career, and he introduced one of my best friends to his wife. Still, when his text rang out from my phone, I had a visceral reaction in the pit of my stomach, “I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE LUNCH WITH HIM!”

The main reason I told him no is simple: I don’t like Mr. Will. He dominates conversations and possesses a ton of spiritual ambition. By spiritual ambition, I mean he wants to be famous within the Christian world. The rest of us are along for the ride if only we could recognize his holy brilliance. He’s the type of guy who would be Tik Tok famous if he wanted to be. He craves validation, and I refuse to give it.

(The rationale behind my blunt rejection is Mr. Will is a sales guy. He was gracious in his follow-up text if a bit bewildered and possibly hurt.) Much of his success is based on his determination to push through passive forms of communication. Soft no’s do not work with him.

After the deed was done, I thought about my choices. (Of course, I did.)Did I do the wrong thing? The answer is no. I don’t like Mr.Will. Would I stop to help him on the side of the highway? Yes. That’s called love. Love helps those in need of help. But, love is not an automatic pathway to friendship. Friendship is a personal choice. I look at it from this perspective: it’s acceptable to reject a romantic advance bluntly. Therefore, friendship advances should be handled the same way as romantic advances. Our culture may frown on such an approach, but so what?

In my head, right now, are ten people I wanted to befriend. They, in their passive ways, proved they did not feel the same way. Their rejection still hurt me- every unanswered call, every one-word text response, three days later. Passive rejection is no less painful than direct rejection. I knew I didn’t want to befriend Mr. Will. I did him a favor by being blunt…I cut him loose. No wondering, no wasted effort. Be free little buddy.

I’ll end with this rhetorical question: don’t we owe each other honesty? I believe we do.

Nik Curfman 7/30/21 Nik Curfman 7/30/21

Vol II: #10 Today, I Mourn

When our friendship ended last fall, I tried to sweep my way past it as if she was an old shoe. I didn’t cry or mourn the loss of someone dear to me. Today, the Lord shined a light on that moment last fall. Today is the day he decided to expose a blind spot in my vision. I miss my friend. She’s a good woman with a massive heart. The fear boxed her into a safe and slow march to hopelessness. I’ve got compassion for that. She didn’t consciously choose to lose hope and courage. It was beaten out of her one disappointment at a time.

2020 was the year I shed, by choice or by providence, limiting beliefs and sour relationships. I chose faith in the hardest of moments and found grace where none existed in the past. This blog is full of those stories— how I walked through my worst fears and began to love me. And, I wrote a lot about my old business partner, my ex-girlfriend too.

Last fall, I wrote two brief blogs about a sour friendship. My friend was increasingly sarcastic and bitter. Most of her texts centered on displeasure with her job and community. All of her friends were stupid or weird. Her boss was an idiot and beneath her. Daniel is so lucky to have me, she’d say. When I pressed her to make a change, she piled up excuses like a beaver building a dam. She was the queen of excuses; I can’t do that; it would embarrass them.

I met this woman 20 years ago when I was young and immature. We attended the same ministry school for a year. After that year, she moved back to Canada. And despite the distance, she maintained a relationship with a mutual friend. In the fall of 2002, the young man passed away in a car crash. I don’t believe my friend ever really recovered from it. Maybe that’s not true, but it feels like it could be. My Canadian friend doesn’t seem to have emotionally matured past what you’d expect of someone in their early 20’s. The biggest evidence of this is her relationship with her mother— where she maintains a textbook codependent child/parent relationship. Again, I’ll emphasize this is all from my point of view as an outsider.

I can positively say that her thrust of life and adventure waned significantly over the last ten years. She’s got no plan and no power. Her sarcasm and wisecracks are thick and sharp. Whenever I tried to address it with her, she deflected my criticism. Your too sensitive, she’d say. Our last blowup was over coronavirus. As hospitals in Los Angeles overflowed and people suffered, she denounced government intervention as useless. Her words dripped a bitter cold judgment—no compassion or understanding. No empathy. At that point, I couldn’t member why we were friends.

I would’ve preferred to end our friendship on a high note, like one of us getting married. But, how many friendships truly end on a high note? It’s not common. Very few of us will get the opportunity to say goodbye to someone we love at a proper and long moment. I can say I wish the ending of my friendship with Ms. Canada went better. But, how do you tell someone you don’t want to listen to them bitch about everything in their life? Given her track record of rationalization and deflections, I wasn’t surprised when she didn’t take it well.

The reason I write about her today is that I must. Here and now, I’m going to admit some hidden secrets from the Nik files. Today is the day I am admitting to God and myself some truths about me and Ms. Cananda.

To start, in 2009, I made a romantic advance toward my friend, which she rejected. (This is a not-so-secret moment. Just wait.) I moved on, and we maintained our friendship. By 2011, thanks to Whatsapp, I texted my friend every day. In fact, I know I didn’t text anyone more than her from 2011 to 2019. Because of the distance, I didn’t really talk about my pen pal to anyone else. We would chat about the Oscars or the Olympics and share pictures of daily life. We texted from sun up to sundown. At times we maintained an emotional connection beyond normal. On a few occasions, I wondered if I should make another move. As you know, I never did. In the Fall of 2014, I put away any thoughts of dating my friend. I knew her too well.

What’s funny is I’ll never really know if she thought any of that. Ms. Canada isn’t about to embarrass herself or be honest. I know for a fact she had thoughts or feelings (or something) at least once or twice. I’m not that stupid. However shallow or short, they’re were moment. Who sends a guy pictures of dead grandparents? Or texts deep into the night? That’s not normal guy/girl friendship stuff.

I haven’t mourned many broken friendships. Again, when most friendships end, there’s no parade or memo. It just ends. But, I am mourning the loss of my friend today. I hope she’s doing ok. I pray moves past fear and doubt. If she were here, she’d tell me I’m wrong. She’s not afraid of anything, rather waiting on the Lord. That’s what people say when they are statues, and they want to be statues. To admit to fear or despair would be shameful, an admission of the damned. I don’t care. Toward the end of our friendship, she made me feel like shit. Often. I had to own my behavior, which required me to lay down boundaries. You know how that went. So, I didn’t make a mistake. It was time for the friendship to end.

Today, I mourn.

Nik Curfman 7/23/21 Nik Curfman 7/23/21

Vol II: #7 DFL is my Friend

I love my friend, and I could care less about his politics. Relationships matter more than self-righteousness. Daniel doesn’t demand I agree with views, and I make such no request of him. Our bond goes beyond our thoughts on government. At the base of each of us is a heart for humanity and to live justly. Daniel adds a different perspective to my life, and I am richer for it.

On Sunday, I will drive down to Oakland for a pre-wedding party with my friend Daniel and his fiance, Rachel. (It might be a shower, but I don’t think gifts are expected.) Daniel and Rachel live on the left side of the political divide. The last time I visited the couple in May of 2020, they sat all the way across a large courtyard outside their apartment. Needless to say, they took quarantine as seriously as you would expect people who watch MSNBC. It will not shock you to know their wedding will be a Zoom wedding. It’s also the reason I was shocked to see an invite to the impromptu party. I thought they were too scared to plan such an event.

Despite the fear, I love Daniel. We share a love of food, culture, and art. He’s the one who introduced me to the best parts of San Francisco and has been a good friend to me since I met him seven years ago. He’s loyal and honest, and I trust him. Something I really love about Daniel is he loves Jesus with all his heart, and…he’s as liberal as one can be.

Where I grew up, one was not allowed to love Jesus and vote Democrat. I’ve literally heard preachers say as much from the stage. It’s wild to think as I grow older— preachers intentionally made politics a stumbling block for people. I get it. How can someone love Jesus and be pro-choice? I don’t have an answer, but I know they exist because of Daniel. (The answer is we are all imperfect. No one has perfect theology or doctrine. Heaven is stocked with people who loved to the best of their ability, not perfect theologians.) Besides, each of us believes something fake or untrue.

Nik Curfman 3/14/21 Nik Curfman 3/14/21

Journal: #228 Grace In Anxiety

Blake and his wife Hilary are facing their own set of major life struggles. The days ahead might grow darker still. Despite their problems, they made time for me. I needed the Lord in that moment, and human shoulder to hug. That’s the friend and the goodness of God.

It hit me on the drive back from Durham to Columbia today, between Salisbury and Charlotte. Without warning I felt anxiety and depression flood my mind. What am I doing? Will I ever make a difference? I knew this was an attack, so I began to pray. I began to sing. Then I texted Blake. I was weak, but not defeated.

I wasn’t sure if Blake would text back. In all honesty, I thought he’d be busy. Thankfully, I was wrong. He said he’d love to have me stop over. I could see the new house he bought with his wife. It felt like a life line. I knew I could be anxious and untethered in front him. I didn’t need to be polite or tone down my language.

The funny thing is I didn’t once think of stopping to see him prior to my trip to Durham. The idea never crossed my mind all weekend or when I left Durham. Only after I started to feel heavy and depressed did I think of visiting him. It was the Lord.

Tomorrow is coming. The sun will shine, and the myriad of birds drawn to the free bird seed in the yard will sing. I will rise. This moment will pass, and once I again I will trust the Jesus to lead my way.

Today, I’m thankful for old friends and their kindness.

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Nik Curfman 2/14/21 Nik Curfman 2/14/21

Abstract: You Are My Friend

Is it fun,

In your cell?

Does the weed dull your brain?

Are there enough shots the bottle to shush the truth away?

Is it fun,

In your cell?

Does the weed dull your brain?

Are there enough shots the bottle to shush the truth away?

Sure seems like they gave you everything to make you comfortable,

During your stay.

Behind those bars, they keep the dopamine flowing,

Your head down,

Your pride intact.

I can see your dilemma,

Because I’m not distracted by your guards: greed, sloth, and anger.

You’re so far from the brilliance made for you,

From before time,

You can’t risk the safety of your doom.

But, I am your friend.

I will not relent.

I will pray and fight for your tender heart.

Greater is the One in me than than the drugs that lock you in the haze.

And He,

He loves you.

His heart is an open ocean of love,

All for you.

Nothing you believe or do can separate you from Him.

So, I will stand my post, and my watch,

For you.

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Nik Curfman 1/24/21 Nik Curfman 1/24/21

Journal: #185 Talking to the Lord Like A Friend

Isn’t this the Lord too? He loves me enough to want to know my thoughts and feelings about my life. Our relationship is no longer about highs and lows, but the everyday and the plain. I love it. I love Him, and I’m glad I sharing all of my life with the same God who made the Universe.

I think a lot of thoughts and go over situations in mind. It’s how I live. My thoughts can be about a football game or political situation, or my dad. Usually, I imagine conversations and possibilities. How can help my new client reach more people? What do I say in my next conversation with my older sister? Or what’s the best way to spend/invest any stimulus money?

It’s in this space I hone my point of view or expose my flaws. Sometimes I hear the anger in my voice, and on occasion the arrogance. Whenever this happens I stop myself. These are the moments I want to address with the Lord.

Lately, my heart has asked for more from my relationship from the Lord than counselor. But, I’m not sure how to do that. What does more with the Lord look like? What does it sound like?

Today on my first walk, I simply began to talk to the Lord about my work. It was very matter of fact the way I might discuss recent events with a friend. He listened as I told Him how thankful I was for the opportunity to work with the team at Cultre. They are everything my last business partner wasn’t.

It was a very ordinary conversation between, yet new. I wasn’t talking to myself, but to the Lord about my life. I wasn’t in a position of need or compelled to act. I could feel the Holy Spirit gliding along with me as I spoke. When I finished I could tell He wanted to hear more.

Isn’t this the Lord too? He loves me enough to want to know my thoughts and feelings about my life. Our relationship is no longer about highs and lows, but the everyday and the plain. I love it. I love Him, and I’m glad I sharing all of my life with the same God who made the Universe.

What a time to be alive.

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Nik Curfman 11/30/20 Nik Curfman 11/30/20

Journal: #133 Words, Giver or Destroyer of Life

What bothers me isn’t the disagreement or difference of opinion. It’s the other stuff. Whenever she calls me a jerk or butt face. It’s not funny. Twenty years ago when we thought we’d take over the world, it was funny. At 40, it just looks immature and childish.

In August I intentionally stopped talking a long-time friend, mainly because I ran out of subjects to discuss. The list was already short, and every year grew shorter. Every year she grows a little more bitter and harsh. Her jokes aren’t as cute, and her words increasingly full of judgement.

A month ago she asked why I stopped talking to her- which caught me by surprise. I took my time in reply. I wanted to be honest, but I don’t think I communicated what I wanted to communicate. Her retort basically was “you’re too sensitive, intolerant, and you cut people out of your life.”

I AM Who I Am

For starters, yes I am sensitive. Can’t deny it. I feel things deeply, and I don’t love it all the time. I wish a could be a cold asshole sometimes, but I can’t. I won’t argue with the idea I am sensitive. What I take issue with is her assertion I can’t handle conflict. That’s bullshit. I swim in conflict.

On Conflict

I didn’t vote for President Trump in the recent election, and I think he’s acting like a huge baby now. Most of my family and friends did vote for President Trump. They believe the election was rigged (without a shred of real evidence. An accusation is not evidence.) As a result, I’ve had a number of tough conversations with people I love and cherish over the last four weeks. ALL of them were civic and respectful. I repeat. All of my conversations about one of the most controversial topics of my lifetime, zero hurt feelings.

Why? Because no one diminished the other person or mocked them. No one judged those who disagreed with them. They did not turn the conversation into a joke. My friend? That’s what she does. She uses snarky sarcasm as a defensive weapon, to protect herself.

On Tolerance

My entire life I’ve aspired to be an independent thinker and doer. As anyone with similar ideals can testify, it is often a lonely place. I'd be a miserable f-ck if I wasn’t tolerant of people, their behaviors, and opinions. Again, I refer to the Trump example. I love my family and friends, and I do not disqualify them based on their views and opinions.

Cutting People Out

Guilty. I absolutely cut people out of my life. I won’t tolerate abuse or being shit on. No apology is forth coming from me on the subject. Love is something I want to have for all people at all times; however, the friendship we bestow upon each is a privilege.

To that point I want to offer this example:

I once dated an abusive drug addict. She hit me, stole money from me, and lied to anyone who would listen about how I treated her. Am I suppose to remain friends with her? Am I suppose to keep this door open?

No. Most people would agree. I have the right to love myself and remove her from my life. Therefore, we aren’t arguing about whether “cutting people out” is itself good or bad, only the application. Every single person has the right to say who can and cannot be in their life.

Have I cut people off who maybe deserved better? Yes. I admit that. The first time I really cut people out of my life, I did it poorly. I owed them more than I gave. And…I stand by the decision.

It was a couple. I was the best man in their wedding. The last 2-3 years of our friendship, they treated my like shit. Truly. Their behavior included public embarrassments(she yelled at me in public settings multiple times), broken promises, and plenty of other douche moments. They earned it. Still, I owed them a chance to make amends.

I like to believe I developed how to set boundaries. I won’t apologize for it.

Am I Wrong?

I believe every relationship succeeds because two people work to make it work. Conversely, every failed relationship is on two people. I can’t control anyone- a true blessing. All I can do is control what I do and say. With this in mind I ask, am I wrong (about any of this)? Is there any validity to what my friend is saying?

To her three main assertions, no. She’s wrong. I’m not going to apologize for being sensitive or having boundaries. And, I know I’m a tolerant man.

One more subtle point she made, I do believe has more weight, is how I go silent. That’s real. She probably doesn’t even know how real it is. I go silent because I’m afraid to speak my mind. And I’ve held back on my friend.

This is an opportunity for me to be me, to say the things I would say if I weren’t scared of losing a friend.

Life and Death

Last week I posted this blog. In it, I discuss what I’ve learned in 2020 including how to be consistent. The main example I use is the power of the tongue and positive affirmation. My life is on completely different track in large part to what I tell myself about the promises of God. Everyday, throughout the day, I confess the love and kindness of the Lord over my life.

(And if you need more reason to change what you say, science supports what the Bible preaches. Our words matter. Cutting sarcasm, complaints, mockery, you name it. They all have a negative effect on our hearts and brains. It’s not cute or funny. It’s harmful when we pull ourselves and other people down.)

About My Friend

The bigger problem is my friend is stuck, and she’s been stuck for a while. Her life hasn’t gone to plan, and we all know what that feels like. What she needs is friend willing to be her friend and call her to a higher plane of existence. I’m not sure that’s my job.

What I can do is remain patient and set boundaries. Contrary to what she might think, I’m not trying to cut her out of my life. And I don’t think I’d be a good friend if I continued to patronize her. I love her, but I’m not going to sit and let her trash everything and everyone around her. That’s not love either.

I don’t know how this will work out. Boundaries and mutual respect often look like control to codependent people who are stuck in cycles of shame and disappointment. I can handle it, but I’m not sure she will adapt to the changes. Maybe? We’ll see.

Lord, guide me. I’m imperfect and prone to make mistakes. I want to love my friend, so show me how to do that.

Amen.