Journal: #165 Favorite Moments of 2020: Walking Away From BBQ

Daily Journal

Jan 3

This post is sixth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, and read #7 My Love of Writing here.

The Choice

“What do you want to do?” Jason asked.

I didn’t understand the question, mainly because I didn’t think I had an option. “What do you mean?” I replied. “What do you think is best?” Jason answered.

I sat on the couch now aware of what Jason asked me. He wanted to know if I agreed with his belief: it’s best for the business if we ended our partnership. I took a moment to answer him. I held two competing answers. I could stay, and try to work it out with Jason. Or I could go, but to what?

I needed wisdom.

Bad Partnership

I moved from San Francisco back to Redding in 2019 to be Jason’s business partner at Odell Craft BBQ. It’s a business he built out of his backyard with plenty of help from his family and friends. I helped him with pop-ups and large catered events since 2016, and now we were gonna bring delicious OG BBQ to northern California.

I left the tech scene in the Bay Area and he left his comfortable mortgage broker job to make our venture work. We were both all-in.

Cliche but no less true, we had a rocky partnership from start to finish. Jason and I rarely saw eye-to-eye on anything, and we do not have the same values. He’s a task worker with passable people skills. I hate doing the same thing everyday. What he valued was my physical labor, and I did not. (Anyone can cut broccoli and clean dishes.) I value my creativity and want to move things forward. He’s a thinker who will take years to make a simple decision.

He was never going to value my contributions to the business the way I did, so I was never really his partner. I was an employee with a lot of responsibility. But, that’s not why we didn’t work as partners. None of what I just explained is.

My Heart Wasn’t In It

The problem was me. I took his “partnership” offer because it was the opportunity in front of me. And, until that point, Jason and I got along really well. My heart- the kind of heart one needs to persevere and sacrifice for a vision- was never in it.

I took the partnership offer for the money potential. It’s that simple. I will admit, I fooled myself. I thought I was made the best decision for me when I accepted Jason’s offer. I didn’t hate serving BBQ, and was happy to move back to Redding.

Ultimately, I could care less about selling food to people. A great restaurant is built on the predictability of the food and service, but I find it boring and repetitive. It’s just not for me.

The Beginning of My Beginning

Toward the end of our run together, I began to see a business coach about my issues with Jason. He identified some deep pain in my chest. And I knew, it was time to face that pain. 2020 was the year I was to slay the oldest of my dragons: fear of being myself. It was the goodness of God on my life. The Lord didn’t bring me back to Redding to sling BBQ. He brought me back to unleash the purpose He put in my heart.

It was an odd, sad, yet amazing moment in my life. As I watched my girlfriend pull away and the business slip through my fingers, I grew stronger in who I am. On a Friday afternoon, alone in my apartment, I faced my fears and released them to the Lord. I was tired of trying to be someone else, of making choices in direct conflict with my heart.

Three days later, after I told the Lord I wanted to be me, no more trying to be who I am supposed to be, Ms. C broke up with me and Jason asked “What do you think is best?”

My Decision to Walk Away

Before I answered Jason I prayed, “Lord, where is the fear? What am I afraid of?” The Lord responded, “Remove the fear from each thought, then what do you want?” I was not afraid of staying with Jason, dread was more like it. I was afraid of moving on into the unknown, but what if I wasn’t? Instantly, I knew my answer.

It was time for me to move on from OCB. It was time to put all my trust in what I could not see and be the person the Father created me to be. In that moment, I began to walk by faith and not sight.

I turned to Jason and said,”Yeah man. I don’t want to do this any more. Let’s end it.”

(For a few days, I felt like I failed as business partner. Fortunately, I had a buddy from Austin who praised me when he said,” Welcome to being an entrepreneur. Everyone has a failed partnership or two.”)

Learning and Growing

I was not a good partner to Jason Odell, even though I tried. I made demands of his business he could not or ever fill. He never once saw the financial strain as a bad thing. He never once put himself in my shoes. Everything in our relationship was about him, and he only responded to my angry protests. I yelled, screamed, and cussed him out on multiple occasions. I hate that version of Nik. Literally. Hate. It.

It’s my fault. I was a round peg desperately trying to jam myself into a square hole. I couldn’t see then as I do now, it was never going to work. I caused a lot of pain because I refused to address my pain.

From this moment, I took a few nuggets forever burned into my heart:

God is good. It’s never a mistake to trust Him. His grace is new every morning.
Pain unaddressed festers and molds me into something I hate.
Any time I feel ignored, unloved, unappreciated, lonely, unqualified, etc- I face it. I take time to go sit with the Lord and root it out.
I have to be myself and do what’s in my heart to do.
No amount of compliments or praise from others will ever be enough to satisfy my insecurity. I’ve got to affirm myself and my heart (every day.)
I am a creative people person. It’s unfair to me or any employer for me to expect to be happy at task work.

I’m not sure what anyone in my community- those who know Jason and me- think about our split. Frankly, I don’t care. I know it was for the best, and we are both in better situations because of it. The Lord works in truly mind-bending ways. His plan wasn’t for Nik to become a BBQ magnate, but to put me into a position to tear down the wall between me and my destiny.

Thank God. I’d do it a million times over, because it was worth every painful second.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com